Greg posted over on the Viper Comics weblog a few additions to my Things Not to Say list. I can vouch for most, if not all, of them.

Also, here is your suicide-inducing “filmed in ‘Depresso-vision'” comic strip link of the day. Good Lord.

1. “Do you carry comics?”

2. “How much will this comic be worth?”

3. “I don’t remember the title…but it had this guy, and he did this thing.”

4. “You know, I’m the person ‘Hopey’ from Love & Rockets was based on.”

5. “Do you sell inflatable sheep?”

6. “Do you have a private viewing room for the adult comics?”

7. “Why, I remember when comics were only 5 cents!”

8. “Do you have any really good ninja comics?”

9. “I have a comic from 1962. What’s it worth?”

10. “Are all your comics this expensive?”

11. “Do you have any ‘I Love Bingo’ t-shirts?”

12. “Do you have a photocopier? I want to copy some pages out of this comic.”

13. “I’m an artist; do you have anything I can trace?” (Okay, they don’t come right out and say it like that, but that’s what they mean.)

14. “I’m looking for some good tattoo ideas — what do you have?”

15. “Do you have any Spider-Man comics that are less sexy and violent than this?” (said after looking at a reprint of a Lee/Ditko era Spider-Man)

16. “Hi! I just let my ill-mannered kids run around the store unsupervised while I talked loudly on my cell phone for the last half-hour, and I have absolutely no intention of buying anything. Can my kids use your employees-only bathroom?” (Again, not exactly what the customer said…but boy, that’s how I read it. Surprisingly, my answer was “no.”)

17. “I know it’s out…it said so on the internet!”

18. “They’re still publishing Superman? I thought he died a few years ago.” (I get this a lot.)

19. “Is X-Men x-rated? You know, what with the ‘x’ and all.”

20. “You mean there’s an entire store just for comic books?”

Don’t worry…I was nice and tried to help all of these people out, or corrected their misconceptions, or politely informed them “no.” Except for #16 — screw ‘im.

Neilalien links to a quote by Batman‘s Christian Bale, who tries to distance himself from the whole “comic book” thing.

I’m reminded of Kirsten Dunst who, on some cable channel promo-show for the first Spider-Man movie, in response to being asked if she read the Spidey comics as a kid, laughingly said “look at me! Do I look like I read comics?”

Also I’m reminded of Halle Berry, who, at the time of the first X-Men movie, was apparently complaining on a talk show about, due to the lack of roles available to a black woman, being “reduced” to playing a comic book character. (Berry claims she never said anything like this.)

At least John Travolta has the right attitude.

1. Comic writer Micah Wright admits he fabricated his military service; all hell breaks loose. (I know you all know about this already, but I’m posting this link so my dad can read about it.)

2. A newspaper story on last weekend’s Pittsburgh Comicon features a short but nice interview with Swamp Thing co-creator Bernie Wrightson, among others.

3. Found via Metafilter…online scans of Atari 2600 comic books, including Atari Force, Swordquest (by George Perez!) and Yar’s Revenge!

Pal Dorian, whom you might remember from my incessant mentioning of him in this weblog, not to mention his fill-in post regarding Doom Patrol #34, now has a comics/pop culture weblog of his very own, so he can stop slumming around here. Hie thee hither to

Postmodernbarney.com

and tell him Mike sent you. If you want him to treat you nicely, don’t tell him Mike sent you. WARNING: He might discuss Dr. Who, but don’t hold that against him.

Seriously, though, he’s a smart guy, and I think you all will enjoy his insights. But don’t let him know I said that.

1. How embarrassing…I thought I had Legomancer over there in my links list this whole time, and I didn’t. Oops, I guess the egg is in my face.

2. It looks like everyone on the freakin’ planet has their copy of The Complete Peanuts, Volume 1, except me. I had to go and wait to get the copies at my shop, instead of advance-ordering from the publisher like all the cool kids are doing. Gosh dang it. I needs me some early Peanuts, and I needs ’em now.

2a. I did, however, receive my copy of Li’l Beginnings, the collection of Schulz’s Peanuts precursor Li’l Folks. It’s a gorgeous book…the gold stamping on the front cover really stands out, and the strips inside are reprinted at darn near full-page size. It’s just as good as I hoped it would be.

3. So the other day at the store a fella is browsing the racks, glancing through various titles, looking at some of the books on the shelves and so on. Then a friend of his comes into the store to come get him…apparently Guy #1 was waiting on his friend to do some business in a nearby store, and decided to pass the time looking around in our shop. Okay, that’s fine. But as they’re leaving, the second fella asks Guy #1 “hey, you wanted to buy anything?” Guy #1 responds “nah. Can you believe it…grown men actually draw these things!”

Sigh. Grown women draw them too, thank you. What did he think…they were slapped together by preschoolers? Generated entirely by computers? (Well, some, maybe.)



4. I was doing a little restocking at the shop yesterday, and noticed that we had actually sold most of a run of Hex. Sure, you remember Hex, don’t you? At the end of Jonah Hex #92 (the last issue of that series, published in 1985), Jonah vanishes in a flash of light in front of a bar full of people. What happened to him? Well, he ended up in the apocalyptic post-nuclear not-at-all-like-Road Warrior world of…the future! Hex, which ran 18 issues, featured Jonah using his old-west know-how in this new world, filled with giant insects, robots, flying ships, a future version of Batman, corrupt corporations, etc. etc., so on, and so forth. It was all completely inappropriate, and you know what? I’ll defend this series with my dying breath. I wish DC would occasionally do more things like this…take some of their characters and just do something completely bizarre and out of left field with them. Where’s my Aquaman: Space Ranger series? The John Byrne Forum had a good thing going with the Batman’s Moon Patrol (and Monkey) gag series they came up with. (Heck, what I wouldn’t give to see Batman fighting aliens again, and I don’t mean in JLA…I mean in his own books.) Or how ’bout “Sue Dibny is…The Spectre!” Why not? The Spectre’s position looks like it’ll need filling, and if the rumors are true about the Elongated Man’s wife…well, she may be in a position to take the job. I’d buy it…wouldn’t you? Don’t lie to me, of course you would.

Now, was Hex any good? No, of course not. Was it entertaining? Sure it was, in a real B-movie “I can’t believe they’re actually doing this” kind of way. The last few issues were illustrated by Keith Giffen, and the series ends on on absolutely appalling, but perfect, note, one designed to keep the hardcore Jonah Hex fans happy in regards to previously established continuity regarding Jonah’s eventual fate. (Won’t spoil it here, but I’ll post it in the comments if you’re interested.)

Demo, by Brian Wood and Becky Cloonan (and published by AiT/Planetlar), is superhero comics distilled down to their basic essence. Each issue features a self-contained story focused around one character and his or her unique superpower. In most cases, the power serves to alienate the person from friends and loved ones (such as the girl in issue #2, who, like Preacher‘s Jesse Custer, can make people do whatever she says…people she tells to drop dead do just that), but in at least one case (the girl in #3) that power serves to tie her in more closely to her family. And that’s pretty much what each issue is about…how each character’s unique problem separates him or her from society at large. There’s no crime-fighting as such (though it could be argued that the super-strong fellow in #4 does just that)…just screwed-up people with screwed-up lives trying to cope as best they can.

What I like most about these stories is that they are self-contained…had these comics been published by Marvel (as, with a little finagling, every one of these characters and situations could have been right out of the X-Men) these stories would just be the first chapters in ongoing serials. For example, the telekinetic girl in #1 could be on the run from the law and her mother with her boyfriend, staying one step ahead of the feds, etc. etc., for issue after issue…but doing so would add nothing to the emotional depth and impact of the very first story. If there is more to any of these characters’ stories, it’s left to the readers to infer those stories on their own, rather than having everying spelled out for them.

Think about Spider-Man. How was Spider-Man improved after his first appearance in Amazing Fantasy #15? That story is quite possibly one of the most perfect superhero origin stories of all time…the 1960s cartoon couldn’t screw it up, Sam Raimi couldn’t screw it up, and had they ever bothered to show it, even the Electric Company couldn’t have screwed it up. Spidey learns his lesson about Great Power Bringing Great Responsibility, and he spends the rest of his life trying to redeem himself for his part in the death of his beloved Uncle Ben. The End. Every Spider-Man story after that dilutes the original…well, okay, I’ll give you the Ditko issues, but once we get into the endless crossovers, the 300th battle versus Dr. Octopus*, clones and more clones, and, for the love of Pete (Parker), undermining the very raison d’etre of the character with some Dr. Strange-imposed afterlife encounter session between Spidey and the aforementioned late Uncle Ben…time did Spider-Man no favors. Not to say that there haven’t been any good Spider-Man stories since the origin, but what really has been added to the character that you didn’t already know at the very beginning?

Getting back to Demo…Wood’s writing is nice and lean, while Cloonan’s clear, manga-esque artwork carries the stories nicely. The superpower “gimmick” for this series only really gets in the way once (in issue #3, as while you’re supposed to be paying attention to the emotional conflict between the young lady and her half-brother, you keep waiting for the superpowered-shoe to drop) but that’s a minor quibble. Also, it’s a $2.95 comic that feels like a trade paperback…each issue is a standard 32-pager, but the paperstock of the cover and the interior pages is so thick and meaty that you could probably stop a bullet with the darn thing. Plus, there’s extra content in each issue in the form of notes from Wood and Cloonan, which include “mix-tape”/soundtrack suggestions for the comic, interviews, sketches, previews of the next issue, and so on. You certainly get your three bucks’ worth.

Recommended to people who like a little emotional content with their superhero comics, and possibly to people left out in the cold when Grant Morrison left X-Men.

* Expect Marvel to double that number by the time Spider-Man 2 comes out.

As you may have read here (among other places), there has been a death in the Gasoline Alley comic strip. And, as has also been noted, the cartoonist has been playing coy as to who it actually was that passed on…Walt Wallet or his wife, Phyllis. My prediction: it’ll be a dramatic revealing of the tombstone that finally ends the mystery.

It’s my guess that it’s most likely Phyllis who passed on…see, just prior to this sequence (which started a couple weeks ago) Phyllis revealed that she knew a secret about Skeezix and his adoption over 80 years ago, and no amount of cajoling from Walt would get her to spill. If she passed on before revealing the secret, then the next storyline would almost certainly be kicked off for a search for what that secret would have been.

Or I’m completely wrong, and it was Walt. Heck, I’m just stunned by the fact that Gasoline Alley is even on a comics page somewhere.

EDIT: According to an article posted here 1) the death will be revealed on May 5th, and 2) Gasoline Alley appears in 80 newspapers.

The long-awaited Superman #204 is out, and while most people are going to go ga-ga over Jim Lee’s art (which, I suppose, is passable), the real star looks to be Brian Azzarello’s script. Drawing a connection between Superman and religious themes is something that has been tried before, but usually in terms of Supes being worshipped as a god on some alien planet, or by some kind of earth-bound cult, or something. I don’t think any relation has been made between Superman and Christianity before in the comics, so already it looks like Azzarello is attempting to try something different. This issue is all set-up, and the religious connection is only lightly made, so we’ll have to see where it goes in future issues. Should make for interesting reading, assuming it is read and not just bagged and boarded or sent to CGC.

Others: Uncle Scrooge #329 brings up a new (at least to U.S audiences) Don Rosa story, “The Dream of A Lifetime,” that takes us through Scrooge’s memories of his past, which is really Rosa’s specialty. Abadazad #3, one of Crossgen’s few remaining titles, actually made it out this week, and artist Mike Ploog is going all out on the crazy inhabitants of this imaginary land. The first issue of Steve Rude’s regular Moth series is out, and looks gorgeous as was expected. We’ll see if the story holds up. Planet of the Capes by Big Larry Young and Brandon McKinney also came out…it’s as handsome as the other AiT/Planetlar books, and looks like a good read. Heck, you know it won’t be bad.

The latest issue of Chris Claremont and John Byrne’s JLA seems to suffer a little in the art department…it still looks very nice, but it looks like Ordway’s embellishment isn’t as strong as in the previous issues, to the art’s detriment. And again, I don’t care what anyone says…I love Crucifer!

The (almost) last hurrah of the good animated Batman series arrived this week in the form of Batman: Harley and Ivy by Bruce Timm and Paul Dini, and yes, it looks as good as you would imagine. I’m going to miss this particular line of Bat-books, the only Batman books that I’ve bought over the last ten years.

It wasn’t just an idle threat…Antarctic Press did indeed publish their Dictators of the 20th Century: Hitler comic. I’m ashamed to admit my two first thoughts were 1) “Who’s stronger…Hitler or the Hulk?” and 2) “Me am Bizarro-Hitler #1!” — both of which are entirely unfair, and I blame the failure of my superego. It looks like it’s trying to tell a straight history of the madman, but it’s undermined slightly by its cutesy American manga-esque artwork.*

And everybody seems to be having a conniption over Joe Quesada’s Daredevil: Father…well, I poked through it, and it doesn’t look any better or worse than Daredevil usually does, except that Daredevil actually appears in it. What’s the big deal? Is it because it’s by Marvel’s current Big Cheese that it’s such an attractive target? I’m not trying to defend or attack it…I’m just curious.

I would have picked up the new Essential Tomb of Dracula volume, except that we were drastically shorted on our order. Hopefully more will be in my hands by tomorrow…but my brief glance through the one copy we did get shows it to be just as attractive a package as the first volume. I’ve mentioned before that the only Essential volumes that look good at all are the ones featuring art by Gene Colan, whose work translates beautifully to black and white.

Coming next week is Swamp Thing #3, and while it’s still entertaining and well-done, one can’t help but feel like we’re covering ground already travelled by Mark Millar at the end of the second Swamp Thing series. Swamp Thing’s too powerful for his own good, he must be stopped or humanity is doomed, Constantine is playing people against him, and so on. It’s good, but I hope the series moves in its own direction soon.

Also took a look at next week’s Uncanny X-Men by Chris Claremont and Alan Davis. Well, it sure looks nice…Davis is a wonderful superhero artist, bringing a sense of whimsy to the proceedings that you rarely see in something as deadly earnest as an X-Men book. However, the writing looks like more of the same-old same-old…if you hated Morrison’s X-Men, this comic is for you. For example, one character actually uses the line (paraphrasing, maybe…don’t have it in front of me) “I have ways of making them…talk.” Had this line appeared in Morrison’s run…there would have been ironic self-awareness, or sexual tension, or some kind of other undercurrent to the dialogue. Here…this cliched line is very plainly meant to be taken at face value, as a “dramatic” revelation of this character’s skills and abilities. It looks like the X-books are well on their way to feeling once more like you’re reading someone else’s mail…you’re reading a whole bunch of names, you’re reading about what all these people are doing, but you have no connection to them whatsover.

Oh, and the White Queen, Sage, and Bishop are boring again. But you knew that.

* I can only imagine the kind of search engine referrals I’m going to get now.