So I’m back from my holiday hiatus, my batteries…well, somewhat recharged but I’ll take what I can get, and ready for a whole new year of civilization ending, so let’s get started, shall we? Bust open your copies of Diamond Previews (January 2012 edition) and follow along if you are so inclined:

p. 20 – Diary of a Zombie Kid:

I have to say a chilling courtroom drama is a bold choice for a Free Comic Book Day giveaway.

p. 21 – Burt Ward Boy Wonder #1:

Now if Hustler Magazine had a comics line, we could finally get that comic book adaptation of “A Young Crimefighter’s Fantasy” the industry has demanded. (Link probably not safe for work, as you might guess.)

p. 26 – Marvel Heroclix Thor Figure:

Why, what’s that he’s holding there? Some kind of protest sign? Another one of those “Occupy Asgard” hippies? I knew that longhair was trouble.

p. 28 – FCBD 2012 Commemorative Shirt: Jim Lee:

Well, okay, the design’s actually going to be this:

But this pic with the solicitation is the first thing that grabbed my eye:

…and now I want my Free Comic Book Day shirt to be that very image, with Lee in that pose.

p. 49 – Mike Richardson Comes to Your Store:

So Dark Horse Comics is having this thing where if you post images of yourself at your favorite comic shop in this mask of DH publisher Mike Richardson:

…you might get a chance at having said publisher show up at your shop for a special Dark Horse day.

Well, let me tell you, I wore this at the shop pretty much every day for a month:

…and I didn’t get nuthin’. Well, I did get my will enslaved by an evil alien intelligence, which is almost as good as a Dark Horse party, I guess.

p. 73 – Marvel Classic Characters Spider-Man New York Comic Con Exclusive:

Do they still do the armpit webbings and the belt in the newer Spider-Man comics? I haven’t kept up with Spider-Man, I have no idea. But they should totally bring those back in the movies, at least. That big ol’ clunky belt with the Spidey face-projector on the front is awesome.

p. 147 – Saga of the Swamp Thing Book One TP:

So will they finally get the missing caption problem straightened out? Tune in next time, same Swamp time, same Swamp channel.

p. 190 – Bloodstrike #26:

So if they’re bringing back old Image properties and picking up the numbering where they left off, let us hope for Darker Image #2. Or Fell #10. I wouldn’t mind seeing either of those. …Yes, I was the guy who liked Darker Image, shut up.

p. 226 – Marvel Select Avengers Movie Mystery Action Figure:

What the c**k is this s**t. …That better be Jack of Hearts, Moondragon, or motherf**king Rick Jones if you’re going to be pulling that.

p. 353 – Peanuts Snoopy Flying Ace Kit:

Nice, but I’m holding out for this kit:

p. 357 – Family Guy Peter Vs. Giant Chicken Thumb Wrestling Kit:

Halfway through your thumb battle, you flash back to when [notable ’70s celebrities] were thumb wrestling.

…Look, all I pretty much know about Family Guy is the flashback thing. That’s the only go-to gag about the show I have. Well, that and the a-ha parody video, which was pretty good, I thought. But “a-ha thumb wrestling” isn’t as amus…wait, hold on. That is kind of funny, maybe. Let me get back to you.

p. 358 – Aslan The Pin-Up Book:

This totally undermines the whole “Lion-Jesus” thing from the Narnia series.

p. 361 – Star Wars The Secret Life of Droids:

LUKE: “Hmmm, this R2 unit seems to have some kind of hidden recording…hey, is that Bob Crane?”

C3PO: “Oh no!”

p. 362 – Alien Chopsticks:

“H.R. Giger” and “eating utensils” are not two things I normally would have associated with each other.

p. 373 – Classic Swamp Thing T-Shirt:

Oh, you bastards. The iconic Wrightson cover for Swamp Thing #9, original series, in the t-shirt format I’ve always desired? …You don’t play fair. No sir.

p. 379 – Star Wars Handbags:

“Um, sir…?”

“YES, COMMANDER?”

“The…the men were wondering about this new…uniform accessory that you’ve instructed us all to carry.”

“…IS THERE A PROBLEM?”

“Well, um, the men…don’t really need handbags, sir. They have belts, and, uh, pockets, and….”

“THESE HANDBAGS HAVE ME ON THEM. THEREFORE THEY ARE NECESSARY. YOU CAN KEEP SMALL TOOLS IN THEM. AND EQUIPMENT. AND LIPSTICKS.”

“Y-yes, sir. And there’s one more thing, if I may…?”

“IT HAD BETTER NOT BE COMPLAINTS ABOUT THE YOGA PANTS. I FIND THEM COMFORTABLE AND FREEING, AND SO SHOULD ALL OF YOU.”

“Um…thank you, Lord Vader.”

p. 387 – Star Trek The Next Generation Retro Cloth Borg:

GOTHS…IN…SPAAAAAAACE

p. 395 – O-No Sashimi “Red Version” Vinyl Figure:

Test-marketing showed that the Finding Nemo version of this figure was…”troubling.”

p. 403 – Star Wars Kenner Hammerhead 12-inch Action Figure:

Pretty much running this entry just so I have an excuse to repost this from the Twitter feed:

Also, because this was one of my favorite figures from the original Star Wars action figure line. Even though I’m pretty sure this character wasn’t wearing a blue one-piece swimsuit in the movie.

p. 425 – Ikki Tousen Dragon Destiny: Shimei Ryomou “Ura Jake” PVC Figure:

“Shimei Ryomou is bound, in her undressed state, to a bed in this stunning PVC statue that brings to life the sultry curves of this powerful fighter.”

Sometimes I just don’t need to say anything.

p. 426 – Terminator 2 T-800 HD Masterpiece Action Figure:

I was going to make a joke about a Terminator “Masterpiece” figure, but…1/4th scale? $400? All those extra hands? …Okay, you’ve almost earned the description of “masterpiece,” but first we need to strip the figure down to its robot skivvies and bind it to a bed…

p. 430 – Star Wars Cufflinks:

As the Force is my witness, I can think of occasions for all these cufflinks, save for the Darth Maul ones.

p. 432 – Dried Zombie Skin Seaweed Pack:

At last, they found a way to make seaweed sound appetizing.

(Yes, yes, I know, “seaweed tastes great, you ignorant swine.” …MY PALATE IS NOT READY.)

p. 442 – Star Trek Earloomz GL-500 Bluetooth Headsets:

So they couldn’t even TRY to make these look like those crazy earpieces Uhura used to wear in the original series?

p. 444 – Disney Traditions Mickey Mouse Bird Feeder Statue:

Mickey’s totally going to eat that bird. I mean, c’mon, just look at that big rodent.

Marvel Previews p. 3 – Avengers Vs. X-Men:

I don’t know…looking at the new comics rack, I’d have to say “both.”