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That I even typed the phrase "robot testicles" means that, somewhere along the line, I have lost the battle.

§ July 13th, 2009 § Filed under movie reviews, transformers Comments Off on That I even typed the phrase "robot testicles" means that, somewhere along the line, I have lost the battle.

So I saw the new Transformers movie. Some minor SPOILERS ahead:

  • Yes, the twins (essentially, stereotypes of black people) were a bit…uncomfortable. Sure, they do get in a couple of good lines at the expense of Sam’s college roommate, but one suspects that these characters really weren’t thought through too much. Lots of nervous laughter in my particular viewing’s audience.
  • The whole business with “robot testicles” has been played up a bit too much as a complaint, I think. It’s a brief background sight gag of a couple of wrecking balls dangling from the crotch area of a giant robot whose job is destroying things. Sure, why wouldn’t it have wrecking balls? Yes, it’s a dumb gag, but it’s not any more ridiculous than anything else in this movie. If I were in charge of the film, I would have left the twins out, but I probably would have gone for the testicles gag. I’m not proud.
  • I think it was at the point when the evil robots were chatting with their Supreme Leader at their space base when I had this exact thought: “What the hell am I watching?”
  • Yeah, I know, just at that point?
  • The plot was essentially an excuse to send robots to fight around the world so that the lovely architecture of foreign lands could be Blown Up Real Good, but…well, it hard to resist some full on giant robot battle action. By and large I had an easier time following the action sequences this time around than I did in the first film.
  • However, I had a harder time following some of the dialogue…I don’t know if it’s excessive processing of the robot voices in production, or just bad speakers at the theatre, or my hearing’s just shot from all those loud Juice Newton concerts I went to in my misspent youth, but I couldn’t make out the occasional piece of dialogue.
  • I think something may have been wrong with Megan Fox’s back, as she sure seemed to be bending over a lot.
  • I wanted to see more of ancient humans interacting with the alien robots. Ah, well. Also, I thought we were going to get some Beast Wars-esque robots disguised as animals in those flashbacks for some reason. We did get a large cat-bot eventually, but that’s not the same.
  • Really, movie? That’s all the Deep Roy you’re going to give me? That’s a damned shame, that’s what that is.
  • I realize that for plot reasons, Optimus Prime by necessity was out for a good chunk of the picture, but…well, I would have liked more Optimus in the film. The scene where he’s facing off with that government agent who’s trying to get the Autobots to leave…one got a real sense of dignity, wisdom, and patience out of Optimus, which, considering it’s a digital effect of a huge honkin’ robot, is quite the feat.

Overall…so long as they stuck to the action (or to scenes with Optimus Prime being awesome), the film was okay. Not as good as the first one (which I realize for some people “good” is a relative term in discussing these movies…hey, I was pleasantly surprised by the first film, what can I tell you), and this new movie certainly doesn’t have an ounce of brainmatter anywhere in it, but…well, I’d give a third film a shot, I suppose.

However, that G.I. Joe trailer hasn’t really improved any with repeated viewings, has it?

"I had no one to chest bump – but I totally would have!"

§ May 1st, 2007 § Filed under transformers Comments Off on "I had no one to chest bump – but I totally would have!"

I don’t know why I find this review of an advance screening of Transformers so amusing, but I keep looking at it, and it keeps not getting any better. It’s not as soul-wrenchingly evil as AICN’s Blade II review (which I keep linking to because 1) it’s such a car wreck, and 2) I’m a bad, bad person), but this Transformers review has an entertainment value of its own.

“…A very studio looking guy stood up in front of the theater and told us that ‘a lot of effects weren’t done and the music was temp’ blah blah. […] He finally says we are the ‘first audience to see TRANSFORMERS!’

“There was a loud cheer in the theater, I looked around and many of the older moms/dads didn’t quite get it, but their kids seemed to know the score. I saw two 15ish year old fat kids do a chest bump…alas, I had no one to chest bump- but I totally would have!”


“‘I’ve got a fever, and the only prescriptions is MORE STARSCREAM!!!!!!'”


“Optimus Prime- sword arm- fuckin sick! That’s all im gonna say about that.”


“…There are many many nods and references to the history of TF, it’s clear that there was a lot of thought into adding some ‘fan only’ moments into the film that the general audience wont get, which was great.”

I am tempted to agree with the reviewer, though, in that Michael Bay does seem ideally suited to this movie. The film appears as if it’ll be Big, Loud, and Stupid, and I think from Mr. Bay’s oeuvre we can see that he’s completely in his element.

Anyway, assuming this person isn’t yet another studio plant feeding glowing reviews to AICN (and a number of the folks leaving comments appear to believe he is…by the way, don’t read the comments…Good Lord), and that the review is even true at all (another worry by the message boarders there), he appeared to enjoy it, so you Transformers fans may not need to worry.

One of the bones of contention is that the review mentions Optimus Prime’s “lips” being in the film, a turn of events that, when originally discovered, was met with gnashing of teeth and tearing of clothes. However, according to the director’s official site, the rumor started with some test footage featuring said lips, which do not appear in the film. I actually Googled “transformer lips” to research this. Thank goodness no Transformers porn turned up.

Of course, it’s very possible that the film does feature robot lips…okay, you know what? I was going to say something about how “the left hand doesn’t know what the right hand is doing” in regards to the possible existence of robot lips in the movie (especially considering every time we hear about Galactus in the new Fantastic Four movie, we get a different story), but dear God in Heaven, I’m writing about robot lips. Is this what my life has come to? Okay, look…we learned to live with Spidey’s organic web-shooters, we learned to live with Matt Cable being a woman (and how!), and if it turns out to be the case, you Transformers fans can live with rob…I can’t even type it again.

Speaking of the coming FF movie, a new trailer is up…and I do have to say, the trailers we’ve seen so far look absolutely spectacular. They certainly make me want to see the film…of course, it could very well be another example of all the good stuff being in the trailer, and the film itself being a huge dud. But, as I’ve said before, I’m at least cautiously optimistic. I’m one of the few people that actually sorta liked the first film, even with all its flaws, so here’s hoping they’ve learned from their mistakes. And here’s hoping Galactus is in it. Not holding my breath on either count, mind you.

And, as noted, I’ll be seeing Spider-Man 3 this Friday, so look for my review on that shortly after. My prediction: entertaining, but not as good as the second one…probably not enough Venom, too much evil Harry Osborne. (If you’ve seen it already, and I know some of you have…don’t tell me if I’m right or wrong. I’ll find out myself soon enough.)

In DVD news, a little bird tells me that a new Region 1 DVD release of the 1980 cheesy classic Flash Gordon will be gracing the shelves of our local video emporiums this summer. Alas, another little bird tells me that the special features will be lacking on this release. That means no commentary tracks. That means no commentary track from BRIAN FREAKIN’ BLESSED, which, as previously reported, appears on the UK edition. I cannot express enough my disappointment in not getting to hear Mr. Blessed shout at me for ninety minutes while I’m watching this film. …It’s time for the region-free player, I think.

In some non-movie news, pal Sean is finally posting on his site again, and his most recent post is about…er, movies. Anyway, go read…encourage the man.