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I’m a difficult person to work with.

§ November 19th, 2010 § Filed under employee aaron, gelatinous cube § 15 Comments

Mike: “I understand this new Dungeons & Dragons comic is actually supposed to be pretty good.”

Employee Aaron: “Yeah, it really was.”

M: “So are there any gelatinous cubes?”

EA: “Sorry, Mike, but no.”

M: “How ’bout displacer beasts? At least one?”

EA: “Not one.”

M: “Okay, fine…mind flayers?”

EA: “No.”

M: “Beholders. There has to be a Beholder in this comic.”

EA: “There sure isn’t.”

M: “This is a Dungeons & Dragons comic, right?”

EA: “Right.”

M: “Just checking. Is there any point where a character has to save vs. petrification?”

EA: “What? No, of course not.”

M: “Are there any instances of a gnome using his infravision?”

EA: “None noted.”

M: “Are there any bards?”

EA: “Are there ever any bards?”

M: “Point taken. …Does anyone detect traps?”

EA: “Nope.”

M: “Does a magic user gather material components in order to cast Magic Mouth?”

EA: “Not that I noticed.”

M: “Does a thief manage to do quadruple damage on anyone using a sneak backstab attack?”

EA: “Not once, no.”

M: “Does anyone, at any time, use a ten foot pole?”

EA: “No.”

M: “Are there any morale checks made to see if a character’s followers desert or not?”

EA: “…What?”

M: “Are any limbs severed as the result of rolling a natural 20 during a sword attack?”

EA: “How would that even work in a comic?”

M: “So does a character tell another character ‘I do not want to be in an adventuring party with you, as I am Lawful Good, and you are Neutral Evil?'”

EA: “That’s not something that happens, no.”

M: “Does anyone put on a cursed ring and suddenly exclaim ‘oh no, I have suffered an irreversible loss of three points of Constitution?'”

EA: “I can safely say this didn’t happen.”

M: “Is there any kind of kobold attack?”

EA: “No….”

M: “Does anyone shout to his comrades ‘this creature can only use his ranged attack once every five rounds — let’s go!’ at any time during a battle?”

EA: “No.”

M: “Does any character have his or her soul cast into The Void as a result of drawing from a Deck of Many Things?”

EA: “Uh-uh.”

M: “This is going nowhere. Let’s go back to the basics. …Is there a dungeon in this comic?”

EA: “Yes!”

M: “Now we’re onto something. Is there a dragon?”

EA: “Well, not exactly.”

M: “Oh, so there’s, like, a wyvern.”

EA: “No, no…there’s a dragonkin in the story. Well, maybe, he kind of looks like one…sorta dragony.”

M: “A dragonkin. What’s that?”

EA: “A half-human/half-dragon. You can play as one in D&D.”

M: “No, I’m sorry, no player-character monsters in my campaign.”

EA: “Now, Mike, a couple of these things you’re asking about were in the #0 issue.”

M: “I’m going to need all of these things in every issue.”

"’Save versus girls?’ Man, I always make that roll."

§ September 15th, 2006 § Filed under gelatinous cube § 1 Comment

Every once in a while, I see something like this:

“WOLVERINE #1 of 4, Marvel, ’82, Frank Millar story/cover & art, Wolvy’s 1st solo book ! Near Mint++++ ! !!”

…which by itself is pretty typical, but has an opening minimum bid of $648,000.

So, what up with that? I figure it’s one of the following reasons:

1) Typo – opening bid was meant to be $6.48, and mistakes were made.

2) Prank – seller just thought it would be funny to list this for $648,000.

3) (The most likely reason) Attention-grabbing advertising – potential bidders see that minimum bid in the listings, checks out the auction to see what the heck’s going on (and thus are exposed to a blurb for the seller’s eBay store).

4. Done in the hopes that he’ll actually realize that price – hey, just gotta sell one.

The shipping is a fairly reasonable $4.25, however.

Things I’ve done that you haven’t: participated in a one-on-one play-by-e-mail Dungeons & Dragons adventure with Chris Sims as Dungeon Master, and me a player-character Gelatinous Cube:

Chris: “Okay, you’re in a tavern….”

Me: “I immediately sweep my gelatinous cube-shaped body through the tavern, absorbing everything I come across into my sticky body — packs, weapons, barmaids….”

I don’t know why, but I was on some Gelatinous Cube trip at the shop the other day…a strange throwback to the days when I actually sold the D&D stuff at the shop. I was wondering two things: 1) if a player character was polymorphed into a Gelatinous Cube, if he or she could continue playing as a Cube; and 2) has anyone made any kind of D&D-themed snack food designed around the Gelatinous Cube? You know, little squares of clear Jello with some of those candy skeletons, the kind that are always being sold around Halloween, embedded inside.

Chris says the answer to #1 is “yes,” though it probably depends on the DM. The answer to #2 is, um, I don’t know, as my Google-fu has failed me. Maybe one of you out there can clue me in.

Some more Cube links:

The cube as it appears in Neverwinter Nights.

Here’s a miniature for sale, a homemade mini in progress, and another nice mini.

A Worth1000 Photoshop contest entry along the lines of my Jello snack idea.

EDIT: I’ve been informed that, by some odd coincidence, John Kovalic ran an Unspeakable Oaf panel today that involves a Gelatinous Cube.

Yeah, I know, Gelatinous Cube talk doesn’t really fit the usual comics theme here, but I had to get it out of my system. If you’re not satisfied with the quality of Progressive Ruin, please write for a refund.

Okay, back to comics:

“Good or Evil? Comic Books and Their Influence on Kids”

“In some comics, the violence and blatant sexual advances rival that of infamous video games like Grand Theft Auto and the Resident Evil series. Some persue practices or customs that are tied to the occult, whereas others dabble in matters of society, like homosexuality, and drug abuse.

“The real question is, who do you want teaching your kids about those things, you or the comic book?

“True, not all comic books are bad, and some are quite benefitial, but constant vigilance is necessary to keep your kids from being expossed to these things.”

Poor spelling still okay, though.

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