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…for filling in for me last week when I had health stuff, family stuff, all kinds of stuff keeping me from my regular blogging shenanigans.
I apologize in advance to anyone expecting more Bully and only getting me here. I’m not quite as little or bull-ish, though I am a bit on the stuffed side, but I hope you folks will stick around as I go through the usual nonsense I’ve been delivering here for over 18 years now.
If you want to keep up with Bully’s happy trails throughout the internet, you can visit his long-running website Comics Oughta Be Fun! as well as his equally fun Twitter feed.
Thanks Bully, and always remember:
![](https://www.progressiveruin.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/bully550px.jpg)
![So THAT'S how what he did with all that Joe Weider Weight Gain Powder! (Murderous Gangsters #2, Avon, December 1951)](https://www.progressiveruin.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/murderousgangsters2.jpg)
!['I don't even know why I'm so surprised about it anymore!'](https://www.progressiveruin.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/cocaine.jpg)
Thanks, folks! We now return you to your regularly scheduled Mike. — Bully
AND THOUGH YOU HOLD THE KEYS TO RUIN
![Wednesday morning at five o'clock as the day begins... (MAD #80, July 1963, script by Larry Siegel, art by Bob Clarke)](https://www.progressiveruin.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/1-mad80-300x259.jpg)
OF EVERYTHING I SEE ![We has met the enemy and he is the next strip over! (MAD #107, December 1966, script by Frank Jacobs, art by Bob Clarke)](https://www.progressiveruin.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/2-mad107b-1024x419.jpg)
WITH EVERY PRISON BLOWN TO DUST
![The only one who doesn't mean 'duck' when he misspells it on his iPhone. (MAD #35, October 1957, script by Paul Krassner, art by Wally Wood)](https://www.progressiveruin.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/5-mad35-300x297.jpg)
MY ENEMIES WALK FREE![They paved a parking lot and put up paradise. (MAD #86, April 1964, script by Frank Jacobs, art by Bob Clarke)](https://www.progressiveruin.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/4-mad86-300x272.jpg)
THOUGH ALL MY KINGDOMS TURN TO SAND
![Sluggo Smith, H.M., I.E. (Highly Magnified, Insufficiently Educated)](https://www.progressiveruin.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/3-mad37b.jpg)
AND FALL INTO THE SEA
![All it needs is AOC screaming at them and it's an awful Ben Garrison cartoon. (MAD #45, March 1959, script by Gary Belkin, art by Wally Wood)](https://www.progressiveruin.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/6-mad45-300x298.jpg)
I’M MAD ABOUT YOU (SLUGGO)!['I am Fritzi...and this is NOT a story for little boys!' (MAD #46, April 1959, script by Frank Jacobs, art by Wally Wood)](https://www.progressiveruin.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/7-mad46.jpg)
I’M MAD ABOUT YOU
from various issues of MAD magazine, credits in alt-text
H’lo everybody! It’s your old pal Substitute Mike, aka Bully, the Little Stuffed Bull, here to amuse and educate ya. As that frog says, when he isn’t busy embarrassing that guy by refusing to sing “Michigan Rag,” it is Friday, my dudes, and time to brush away the busy work week and devote your attention to personal rest and relaxation time. Yeah, all week long you’ve been working for the man (or the woman; I don’t wanna be sexist here) and making money for them, but now you’ve got your paycheck and you’re gonna cut loose and get wild! So do what I do: get out your crayons and let’s color!
![Always color the most important characters first.](https://www.progressiveruin.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/00-bully-300x242.jpg)
I find it works best to get yourself the biggest box of crayons you can find, but what you’re really gonna need here is a whole lotta red, white and blue.
![My sister had these and she would still only let me use black, grey, and white.](https://www.progressiveruin.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/00-crayons.jpg)
That’s because tonight we’re all coloring in the Captain America Coloring Book (Whitman, 1966), 64 full-color black-and-white pages of star-spangled excitement, adventure, and dynamic tension! Check it out: we’ve got robots, flying saucers, a crumbling city, and a mountain to color! Plus, that guy in the front, what-‘is-name. 49¢: cheap!
!['Hmmm. My flying-saucers-destroying-mountains-next-to-cities-sense is tingling.'](https://www.progressiveruin.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/1-color.jpg)
First up: prepare to spend a lot of time coloring the sky blue, or, if taking place during the Crisis on Infinite Earths, red. Captain America is floating in the sky above, keeping watch on us and reporting straight to Santa about who is naughty and who is nice. Yes, famous Watcher in the Sky Captain America, as seen in his many exciting comic book adventures!
!['Aieee, I slipped! Who left butter all over the airplane floor?'](https://www.progressiveruin.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/2-color.jpg)
Now is the time in our arts and craft activities where I stop and give you some background: this coloring book’s story and pictures are based on two Silver Age Cap adventures from Tales of Suspense, so-called because Cap is clearly being suspended here. But would it surprise you to learn that in the comic itself, this scene is a teensy bit more dramatic?
![CAP-SPLAYING ACTION AS YOU LIKE IT!](https://www.progressiveruin.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/3-tos75.jpg)
from Tales of Suspense #75 (March 1966)
You can use this page as a suggestion for coloring! Draw in some bomb-bursts and shrapnel. Maybe even turn it upside down so it appears more dynamic! Unleash your inner Stan Goldberg and go nuts, folks! For maximum adventure, however, please color inside the lines.
Mama Bull picked me up this coloring book during her weekly shopping at the local Piggly-Wiggly because it features my favorite comic book villain, that Famed Frenchman of fearsome feats, Batroc the Leaper! Here’s a great chance to wear your orange and purple crayons down to the nub giving him all his glorious secondary-colors-are-for-villains shading. Or, since he’s leaping straight at you, color it to accentuate the 3-D effect! (3-D glasses not included with this blog.)
!['Hé, boisson qui vous aide à rester au frais!' 'MAIS OUI!'](https://www.progressiveruin.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/4-color.jpg)
You might remember this tale in the comics as the one that also introduces Sharon Carter, Agent 13, the daughter niece descendant of Captain America’s World War II love, Peggy Carter. Steve tries to intervene in her not very subtle spy-drop, but Sharon’s so annoyed her word bubble turns yellow.
!['Please, leave me and my drum in peace!'](https://www.progressiveruin.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/5-tos75.jpg)
Say, can you guess what’s in that mysterious mailing tube?
![Beef jerky?](https://www.progressiveruin.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/tube.jpg)
No, not that one. Get out of this part of Tales of Suspense and back into the Iron Man section, Hawkeye, ya load!
Sharon heeds her secret spy instructions of “run away!”, and I sure hope you have a lotta red crayons.
![All in all we're just another brick in this thing.](https://www.progressiveruin.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/6-color.jpg)
A good Batroc deserves a second coloring page. Go nuts, color him red, white, and blue and make him into the hero of this tale: Capitaine Française!
![Please make certain to color each letter of KA-RASH its appropriate natural shade.](https://www.progressiveruin.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/7-color.jpg)
Remember, as befitting the original comic book: color Batroc triumphant over Cap. Quite frankly, it’s the way Stan Lee probably would have wanted it, and you don’t wanna disrespct his memory now, do ya?
!['Mais oui, I deed that theeng.'](https://www.progressiveruin.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/8-tos75.jpg)
The second part of the coloring book adapts a story from TOS #78, which depicts a casual meeting of Cap and Nick Fury, Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D.* (*Sitting Habitually In Efficient Little Domiciles)
!['Can I offer you a General Foods International Coffee, Nick? It reminds me of that time in Paris with...what was that starship captain's name?'](https://www.progressiveruin.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/10-color.jpg)
Go ahead, I know you’re dying to do it: give Nick Fury a green suit.
In the comic book, their meeting is a little more visually vigorous: less sitting around on comfy chairs, more dodging the little training robots that gave Luke Skywalker such a hard time with the blast shield down. You may have noticed Jack Kirby is doin’ the art chores on these stories, so the coloring book can only pale in comparison before the King.
!['You're a CHICKEN COLONEL? Well, let me have a bucket of extra crispy and a mashed potatoes to go.'](https://www.progressiveruin.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/11-tos78.jpg)
from Tales of Suspense #78 (June 1966)
What’s up, Nick? Fan mail from some flounder? (Hope you have a big green crayon now.) Go with your instinct and draw a pretty picture on Nick’s eyepatch. He can’t tell!
!['I'd like you to investigate how I wound up with knuckles that have USB slots.'](https://www.progressiveruin.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/12-color.jpg)
Strange happenings! Weird happenings! Like, say, your chance to color in a scene from the latest Michael Bay explodo-ganza! Please: do not draw in Shia LaBeouf.
![Another Elon Musk success story!](https://www.progressiveruin.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/13-color.jpg)
Tank Creature! Now that he’s so popular, collectors are flocking to their local coloring book stores to hunt down his first appearance in slabbed 9.0+ graded, uncolored-in copies of the Captain America Coloring Book.
!['Don't laugh, my mom made me wear my energy tubes in case it rains.'](https://www.progressiveruin.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/14-color.jpg)
But hey, coloring book, that’s kind of a dull-looking mundane generic robot that would probably be more at home as George Jetson’s wise-crackin’ valet who gets him out of scrapes with Mr. Spacely, than as a fearsome foe for the Star-Spangled Avenger. I betcha Kirby woulda drawn a more impressive robot!
!['Ladies and gentlemen...JERRY VALE!'](https://www.progressiveruin.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/15-tos78.jpg)
Ummmmm. (tugs collar, makes choking noises) Okay, say what you will, but Jack Kirby could definitely design a more impressing robot-making device than this “Robot Factory and Final Testing Pool.” The robots are having a nice schvitz!
!['Robot B-1-9 re-port-ing the wa-ter has ri-sen five de-grees a-round Robot F-1-6.' 'That tem-per-a-ture rise was not caused by this u-nit.'](https://www.progressiveruin.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/16-color.jpg)
!['Tobor, can you scrub my back where I can't reach? Ahhh, yes! You are a miracle worker!'](https://www.progressiveruin.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/17-tos78.jpg)
Oh come on now comic book, stop tracing Jack Kirby!
You’ve probably run out of red and blue crayons by now, so try this out: color Cap yellow, blue and black, stare at him for several minutes, and then look away to a plain surface so you can see the real colors imprinted on your vision. Weird, ain’t it? How do you feel about your eyeballs now, kids?
![Bill Cosby, no!](https://www.progressiveruin.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/18-color.jpg)
Knockout pills? On a robot? Sure (giggle) Cap, you try (chuckle) that out and
!['Why, he's no fun, he fell right over.'](https://www.progressiveruin.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/20-color.jpg)
Hotchy motchy, it worked!
Still, where’d ya get that idea, coloring book? Didja steal it from Kirby and Lee? Betcha did.
![And that's the closest Hank Pym ever came to appearing in an exciting Captain America story.](https://www.progressiveruin.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/21-tos78.jpg)
I hope you’ve enjoyed this fine evening of coloring along with me. Please make certain to put your crayons neatly back in the box and store them in the drawer, because if you leave them lying around on the floor, you’ll get in trouble. That’s not just good advice from Captain America and Nick Fury; that’s a proclamation from my mom.
!['Well, Cap, it's like in the Army: you know the great Prince issues commands, founds states, vests families with fiefs...inferior people should not be employed.' 'Nick, I can't knock success, but you still put me through too many changes.'](https://www.progressiveruin.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/22-color.jpg)
Bonus special extra coloring page of Batroc! Because, and I hope you know it, I love you all.
!['I 'ave caught a little piscine THIS BIG.'](https://www.progressiveruin.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/9-color.jpg)
High above the mucky-muck, castle made of clouds,
There sits Marvel Boy, sitting oh so proudly
Not much to say when you’re high above the mucky-muck
Yeah, yeah
Marvel Boy, what is the secret of your power?
Marvel Boy, won’t you take me far away from the mucky-muck man?
So sang Tenacious D, sort of, and they oughta know. G’day folks! It’s Bully the Little Stuffed Bull here again, your substitute Mike loaner while the original Mike is in the shop for regular certified maintenance. Tonight, let’s cast our peepers towards a long forgotten hero of the Marvel U. Can you guess what his name is? Oh, wait, it’s right up there in the title of the post. Never mind.
Marvel Boy! One of the early post-WWII superheroes of the proto-Marvel Universe, created by Stan Lee (who?) and Russ Heath, he got his own comic book right out of the door on day one with 1950’s Marvel Boy #1. Note how they promote him as “at last in his own magazine!” He has never appeared anywhere before.
![Oh no! He's punching Sandman!](https://www.progressiveruin.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/marvelboy1a.jpg)
cover of Marvel Boy #1 (December 1950), pencils and inks by Russ Heath
He’s rough! He’s tough! He wears little blue underpants!
!['Our rope ladder technology has not kept the same pace as our flying saucer technology.'](https://www.progressiveruin.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/marvelboy1b.jpg)
from “Marvel Boy and the Lost World” in Marvel Boy #1; pencils and inks by Ruth Heath
Marvel Boy! He’s from Uranus! … okay, okay, I hear y’all laughing back there. Go ahead, chuckle all you want…get it out of your system. I can wait up here all day. … All set? All out of the giggles? Good. Now, as a hero from Uranus OH CUT THAT OUT
Marvel Boy! Poor guy only got one more issue of his self-named comic before they re-titled it to Astonishing with #3 and turned it into an anthology that featured a few Marvel Boy stories but gradually became more of a sci-fi/chiller/monster book. Still, ol’ M.B. hung on for a few issues, and it’s him we’re going to look at with a critical eye and no more mention of the word “Uranus” OH COME ON NOW
Today you might remember Bob Greyson, Marvel Boy, as a character that made his modern-day Marvel appearance in Fantastic Four as “The Crusader,” presumably because even Roy Thomas was embarrassed by the name “Marvel Boy.” He also popped up in a fever dream of the Watcher as a member of the “1950s Avengers” team in What If? Uatu swears, no more toasted green moon cheese before bedtime.
![KIRBY SEZ: DON'T ASK, JUST BUY IT!](https://www.progressiveruin.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/ff164whatif9.jpg)
The keen-eyed among you may note, for extra credit or as a treat, that the What If? team eventually became Marvel Universe canon with the creation of Agents of Atlas in 2006. Marvel Boy even got his own miniseries, renamed once again as “The Uranian” DON’T MAKE ME COME BACK THERE
![So cute: he's got all his Marvel Universe action figures arranged around him!](https://www.progressiveruin.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/agentsofatlas9.marvelboy2.jpg)
Marvel Boy! Now that he’s such a huge star in the Marvel Universe, it’s fun to see where he got his start. But none of these johnny-come-lately modern Roy Thomasin’ four-color credos can prepare you for Marvel Boy’s original, most unique and all-encompassing superpower. He’s not just strong, he’s not just fast, he’s not just wearing gauntlets that blast: he is, in the Timely/Atlas Universe, the single best explainer in the history of comics. He’s the expert of exposition, the master of Marvel-‘splainin’ , the sultan of summing it all up in the last panel. In short, Marvel Boy Explains It All for You:
!['I only asked you the way to the rest room.'](https://www.progressiveruin.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/astonishing6-unseenterror-225x300.jpg)
from “Unseen Terror!” in Astonishing #6 (October 1951); pencils, inks, and letters (and script?) by Bill Everett
Say, how did you crack that mystery and defeat the villain, M.B.? Please elucidate your answer in panels of 2,500 words of less.
!['What do YOU, the reader, think?'](https://www.progressiveruin.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/astonishing3-mrdeath.jpg)
from “Mister Death!” in Astonishing #3 (April 1951), by Bill Everett
Can you illustrate the conclusion of this story utilizing only then-contemporary rants against communism but also a complete faith in the congressional justice system, Marvel Boy?
![BUY COMMIE-SMASHING BONDS WHERE YOU WORK OR BANK!](https://www.progressiveruin.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/astonishing3-timebombterror.jpg)
from “Time-Bomb Terror!” in Astonishing #3 (April 1951), by Bill Everett
Perhaps you could spare a few words on how you wrapped up the Sinister Case of the Guy Who Stole the Water on you know, that planet? Bonus points for mentioning neither “Dasani” or “Poland Springs.”
![Well, sure, when you put it like that it's EASY.](https://www.progressiveruin.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/astonishing4-whenaplanetdies.jpg)
from “When a Planet Dies!” in Astonishing #4 (June 1951), by Bill Everett
Surely there must be a simple, abridged solution to the Mystery of the Walking Ghost that doesn’t involve crowding yourself out of the panel by ever-encroaching word balloons, right, Marvel Boy? No? Then please, explicate.
!['Sir, this is an Arby's.'](https://www.progressiveruin.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/astonishing4-walkinghost.jpg)
from “Walking Ghost”in Astonishing #4 (June 1951); by Bill Everett
The nice thing about Marvel Boy: he’s patient and thorough enough to lay out the solution to any problem in simple, easy-to-comprehend words that’ll have you nodding your head and murmuring “Ah yes. Why didn’t I see it before?” Everyone benefits from a Marvel Boy explanation!
!['I'd better go to the flow charts for this one.'](https://www.progressiveruin.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/astonishing3-runawayplanetA.jpg)
from “The Runaway Planet” in Astonishing #3 (April 1951), by Bill Everett
He’s a hero to emulate, kids, and while this man of many words will give any letterer carpal tunnel syndrome, he’ll crack the case and also make it easy for the comics reader to grok. Except, of course, for the rare exception of those cases which require punching.
![Well, now HE'S got something in his eye!](https://www.progressiveruin.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/astonishing3-runawayplanetB.jpg)
from “The Runaway Planet”
Marvel Boy Explains It All for You! Well, to tell the truth, he really just does it for the chicks.
!['Now begins the AMAZING ADULT FANTASY portion of the comic.'](https://www.progressiveruin.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/astonishing5-deadlydecisionB.jpg)
from “The Deadly Decision!” in Astonishing #5 (August 1951), by Bill Everett
Bully here again, to bring you another installment in an increasingly confusing week of “Progressive Ruin Minus Mike Sterling.” I imagine Mike is lying back in a comfy hammock with a tall glass of lemonade and a pile o’ Swamp Thing comics by his side today. Surely a comics retailer doesn’t really have anything busy to do on a Wednesday?
Let’s start this post off with a quiz! No, don’t fret, this grade will not count towards your final, although I will ask you to use only a #2 pencil and to work neatly within the space provided for you.
Q: Which among his many foes is Batman’s most despicable enemy? I know you have a lot of DC supervillain characters to contemplate while I play the thirty-second-long Final Jeopardy music (those of you in the UK can substitute the Countdown…er, countdown). Is it the Joker? The Riddler? Orca? The Penny Plunderer? When answering, please cite issue numbers and provide panel scans, or at least rip ’em out of your comics and hold them up to the monitor so I can see.
Time’s up!
The answer is, of course, as all true Batman scholars know, Mr. Percy Swann, the deadly and diabolical nogoodnik of the Batman comic strip’s 1944 story “The Missing Heir Dilemma.” Until Swann’s run-in with Batman and Robin, he had previously escaped prosecution by being owned by the Queen, and his ability to break your arms with his mighty wings.
!['Holy simile! That's a lot of metaphors, Batman!'](https://www.progressiveruin.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/0814.jpg)
all panels are from “The Missing Heir Dilemma” from the Batman comic strip (1944), script by Alvin Schwartz, pencils by Bob Kane and Jack Burnley, inks by Charles Paris, letters by Ira Schnapp and the DC Bullpen;
as reprinted in Batman: The Dailies 1944-1945
Batman’s been called in by heavyset Golden Age Commissioner Gordon to hunt down confidence trickster Swann, a baddie the Gotham Police have been unable to touch. Maybe if you stopped depending on Batman so much, your men and women of the GCPD would do a more thorough job, Commish? Naw, that’ll never happen. He likes the big spotlight on the roof too much.
Batman and Robin, havin’ nothing else to do today (Penguin’s out of town, Two-Face is beside himself) immediately check out Swann’s hideout at the Hotel Elmo, the swankiest place on Sesame Street in beautiful downtown Gotham City. Please: no Groupon offers.
![Don't give cats milk, Tiny! Aw, he's just gonna puke all over you. But it'll be CUTE puke.](https://www.progressiveruin.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/0815.jpg)
To be a superior crime lord in Gotham City, you’ve got to have a henchman or two, and Swann’s got one stuffed into a men’s Big & Large Store suit,: the ironically named “Tiny.” As doorman to his boss, Tiny plays rough, bopping Batman and Robin in their respective snoots, but he’s a crook with love in his life. That big ol’ over-stretched heart belongs to Tippie, his little foundling kitten. Already he’s Selina Kyle’s favorite underling.
![Batman punched him right in the meow!](https://www.progressiveruin.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/0816.jpg)
Batman’s retort? A punch in the guts so loud that Tippie cries out a sound effect of “meow!” I think more supervillains need to have pets that exclaim loudly when their masters are popped a fist of justice. A penguin that awks loudly when Batman kicks Oswald Cobblepot’s posterior, a howler monkey that shrieks for the Joker getting hit over the head, or a weiner dog that barks ever-so-cutely when Robin hits Condiment King. So far the Sensational Character Find of 1944 is Tippie, all the way, and I just bet we’ll love and cherish his furry little antics all the way through this story!
!['Gentleman, may I offer you some tea? Muffins? Perhaps some front lighting?'](https://www.progressiveruin.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/0816-0817.jpg)
Genteel Swann pours on the charm and invites the Caped Crusaders in for a cup of tea. You’ve gotta respect that. Why, if he’s offering cookies with that tea I’d already be signing up to work for Swann. Just gimme the sweatshirt that says “HENCH #2” and I’m in, munchin’ on my cookie and giving Batman hard stares.
![DON'T LET HIM PET THE KITTY, TINY!](https://www.progressiveruin.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/0819.jpg)
Round about now you should be getting frightened, very frightened.
![I have nothing funny to say in the alt-text about this.](https://www.progressiveruin.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/0819b.jpg)
Yes, that’s why I called him Batman’s most despicable villain: Swann has killed Tiny’s kitten.
Let us now have a moment of silence for Tippie the kitten.
———————————————————–
For the next couple of months Batman and Robin investigate Swann and his fiendish plan — something about swiping an inheritance by impersonating an heir (see the title of the storyline) — but even when there’s exciting stunts and swashbuckling derring-do it’s hard to keep our minds off that poor little cat. I know, it’s going to take me a long time to get over him, too.
!['Checkered trousers and argyle socks, Dick? Remember, a man's character is often judged by his sartorial sense.'](https://www.progressiveruin.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/0922.jpg)
It’s actually a pretty solid storyline, with mysteries and fights and cliffhangers galore, and it’s paced dynamically to keep your interest whether you’re reading it daily or all in a big fat collection. It would have made a dandy movie serial. It’s even got some nice scenes for Bruce and Dick in their civilian roles, as well as Alfred saving the day once again.
!['I'll pull you up on the line, Master Bruce, but first we're going to discuss my raise.'](https://www.progressiveruin.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/0926.jpg)
And yet still, like Tiny, we cannot forget that Swann coldly and brutally murdered a kitten.
![The title of this strip is 'Blazing Eyes,' and HOO BOY THEY ARE.](https://www.progressiveruin.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/1016b.jpg)
Like all Batman stories from “The Case of the Chemical Syndicate” on through to “Tom King’s Big Ol’ Crossover Event ’22,” it all winds up with everybody just punching each other in a swamp. I’m not saying that now would be a good time for Alec Holland to make a guest appearance, but I’m not not saying that either.
!['Do not bring your evil here.' 'Too late!'](https://www.progressiveruin.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/1025.jpg)
No fool Tiny: he’s popped a few punches at the Caped Crusaders, but he’s gettin’ out while the gettin’ is good. Swann too, has turned chicken and flew the coop a few minutes before. Will the next six weeks of the strip just be Batman and Robin chasing them across country?
![Next strip they're going to be punching out on the time clock in the woods while Batman waits patiently behind them to do the same.](https://www.progressiveruin.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/1026.jpg)
Suddenly: quicksand! Thanks to animated cartoons and movie serials, the number one fear of my young life. Swann’s trapped waist-deep in the muck, but he’s kept his gun above water. Just shoot the quicksand then, Swann, that’ll work. Tiny, on the other hand, is considering his options very carefully. Now this is a very interesting development we find ourselves in, boss, he might say, if he had the vocabulary and the sense of irony.
![Ironically, a kitten was swimming out to drag Swann out of the swamp, but he shot it.](https://www.progressiveruin.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/1027a.jpg)
Swann shoots Tiny, but Tiny lets Swann drown. It is, as it says in the song, the circle of life. I guess Swann and Tiny won’t be coming back for further adventures in Batman comics, and I for one say of Swann, good riddance, and of Tiny, well, maybe Tippie the kitten is waiting for you on the other side. Batman, meanwhile, shakes his head at all this tragic, tragic waste, but it saves the public a long, drawn-out trial and he can use that “case closed” rubber stamp Alfred gave him for his birthday to cap off his detective notes that evening. One aspect of the adventure that won’t be in the Black Casebook is what happened to the kitten. May we, as Tippie’s sole memory keepers, salute him and shed a soft tear for his peaceful rest.
!['Well, nothing here was my fault, clearly. Another triumphant case of the Batman!'](https://www.progressiveruin.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/1027b.jpg)
I told you Swann was a despicable villain, and you may choose to argue with me that the Joker has murdered thousands, that Penguin has driven men and women to their ruin, that Zsasz is an unrepentant serial killer, that Bane has broken so many backs he’s become Santa Prisca’s patron saint of back-breaking (Feast Day August 22, observed). Maybe because I have a cat myself, I will never forget or forgive Swann for killing that kitten, right on the newspaper page in black-and-white in front of impressionable youngsters who flipped past news of this Hitler guy on the front page to see what their favorite hero was up to today.
Rest in peace, Tippie. Roast in hell, Swann.
![Please hug your kitten, dog, pet or close person to you tonight. This has been a lesson to YOU.](https://www.progressiveruin.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/1028.jpg)
Hullo folks, Bully the Little Stuffed Bull here, continuing to fill in for Mike.
Have you ever been intrigued by ads you’ve seen in comic books? Sure, we all do! Who wouldn’t want to send away for exciting sea monkeys (brine shrimp), a gigantic monster (a paper poster), a real tank (a cardboard box), spooky ghosts (balloons) or lessons in how to kick sand in the face of bullies on the beach (instructions: kick sand, run like heck)? Why, the advertising section of a comic book, especially an old one, is a veritable 1,001 Nights bazaar of wonder, whimsy and enchantment, except with a six-to-eight week wait and more eventual disappointment.
But now that we’re older and wiser now, we don’t fall for comic book advertisements as easily. Or do we? Somebody has to have bought milk so the Dairy Council can say they “got milk,” joined the Army, or saw the film Kalifornia. But the glory days of gambling a stamp and half your piggy bank are gone. So of course, let’s revisit them!
I for one have always wanted to appear older and more sophisticated, so naturally this advertisement from “Man International” caught my eye. Mix and match any assortment of facial hair made “to exacting professional standards.” Useful for suave bachelors, confidence tricksters, or evil duplicates from a mirror universe. Remember: this is for international men only! Please, no domestic orders. (from Archie and Me #26, February 1969)
!['Don't mind me, my dear Countess...I MUST DASH.'](https://www.progressiveruin.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/archieandme26.jpg)
If the ‘tasche and van Dyke ain’t doin’ it for you, why not take on the fashion allure of an authentic cowboy with this “Texas Ranger Cowboy Outfit,” just like the real riders of justice down in the Long Star State wear, complete with sequined domino mask. Remember, you get the pair of western-style arm cuffs, chaps, cowboy boot tops, and “144 inches of cowboy-type rope,” that is, rope. Dress exactly like your heroes Chuck Norris and Tommy Lee Jones and you’ll be saying ‘howdy, partner,” to all sorts of new friends, acquaintances, and vicious, deadly desperados for whom life is cheap. (from Battlefield #1, Marvel/Atlas, April 1952)
![Buy one! Buy two! Buy one for the dog!](https://www.progressiveruin.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/battlefield1.jpg)
Comics apparently aren’t just for kids anymore, as this ad implores you to throw away your truss! That’s all it’s an ad for; it’s not trying to sell you anything, just remind you to throw away your truss. It’s nice to have an advertisement without all that pressure to purchase a new… (reads fine print more carefully) Curse you, Brooks Appliance Co.! My old truss is just fine! (from Riot #3, Marvel/Atlas, August 1954)
!['Say, Junior, let your Dad take a look-see at that comic book. New truss, eh?'](https://www.progressiveruin.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/riot3.jpg)
Do you enjoy the comic strip Li’l Abner written and drawn by professional terrible human being Al Capp? Why, no fan of that backwoods hillbilly and his suspicious relationship with Daisy Mae can call their life complete without this authentic “Al Capps [sic] Shmoo Pen,” with which you can write fan letters to the despicable Mr. Capp and then turn it upside down to see the Shmoo’s clothing slowly fall off him. Scandalous! It’s great for fans not only of the comic strip but of the classic animated TV series Fred and Barney Meet the Shmoo, so you’ve got gift appeal for two entire generations! (from Pictorial Confessions #1, St. John, September 1949)
![It's got a chain on it so that when you get tired of it, you can attach it to your local bank.](https://www.progressiveruin.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/pictorialconfessions1.jpg)
In the same vein as barbecue restaurants featuring a cute cartoon pig as a mascot, here’s national treasure Bugs Bunny endorsing a line of “lucky” rabbit’s foot keychains, of the same fine quality that you’d win at the county fair.
Ahem (clearing my throat):
Wasn’t very lucky for the rabbit, was it? (from Looney Tunes #167, Dell, September 1955)
![Bugs has no feet? He must have been drawn by Liefeld.](https://www.progressiveruin.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/looneytunes167.jpg)
Now you too can own an exact replica of the very same ring Elvis used to propose to Priscilla! “It is not a gimmick or a toy.” Geez, Elvis rings? What’s next, Dick Clark jewelry? (from Miss America #92, Marvel/Atlas, September 1958)
![Then when you punch someone, you leave the imprint of the King on their jaw, so everyone knows he's an crook cursed with the mark of Presley.](https://www.progressiveruin.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/missamerica92.jpg)
D’OH (from My Own Romance #75, Marvel, May 1960)
![Formerly 'Own your very own Troy Donahue jewelry.'](https://www.progressiveruin.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/myownromance75.jpg)
Many of you have written to me asking if you could either lose ugly fat or, alternatively, eat spaghetti. Now you don’t have to choose. (from Patsy Walker #104, Marvel, December 1962)
![It's always 'ugly fat.' Nobody ever wants to get rid of CUTE fat.](https://www.progressiveruin.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/patsywalker104.jpg)
And now, perhaps the most exciting, alluring, and exotic comic book ad of them all: FIVE TOWELS. Not three! Not four! FIVE TOWELS. Or, pay twice as much for ten towels! The world stretches out before you with glorious opportunity. (from Secrets of Young Brides #2, Charlton, September 1975)
![Or, you could just liberate 'em from Holiday Inn. What, you think comics bigwigs like Stan Lee *pay* for towels?](https://www.progressiveruin.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/secretsofyoungbrides2.jpg)
Preserve objects in plastic for fun and profit! Coins! Shells! Popcorn! Grapes! Spider eggs! Your little sister’s saliva collection! PROFIT!
Sigh. I shouldn’t make fun. After all, what is comic book collecting but “preserving objects in plastic for fun and profit?” (from Strange Tales #179, Marvel, April 1975)
!['Help me! Help me! I can't breathe! I've been sealed in plastic for fun and/or profit!'](https://www.progressiveruin.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/strangetales179.jpg)
Well, I’d love to sit here and show you weird ads of yesteryear all day, but my order from “Man International” just came in.
![Interpol warns that if you see this animal, please alert the authorities immediately. He is cute and extremely cuddly.](https://www.progressiveruin.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/mustache-225x300.jpg)
Hullo folks, hullo! Bully the Little Stuffed Bull here, America’s only stuffed bull comics blogger, sliding into some sort of Progressive Ruin towards which all of us are careening madly. I can see you opening your eyes wide in surprise at not finding here the usual master of comics blogging, retailing, and all-around fun, Mike Sterling, and many of you have been rapping at the door and I’ve had to shout back: “Mike’s not here, man!”
![This is what I had to do all weekend while Paddington got to have tea with the Queen. No respect, I tell ya, no respect.](https://www.progressiveruin.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/BBC-test-card-300x225.jpg)
Where’s Mike? He’s here and well and at the helm and counter of Sterling Silver Comics; he’s just busy with other obligations that’ll keep him from blogging this week. But in the words of Chrissie Hynde, stop your sobbing, because I raised my hoof and volunteered to step in. Altho’ blogging about blogging is a crime, blogging still oughta be fun (if I may toot my horns briefly to plug my own comics blog, Comics Oughta Be Fun!) and I’ll be aiming to provide you all the Swamp Thing, Frank Miller’s The Spirit, and pog-filled content you can hold in two hands and still ask, Oliver Twist-like, for more.
To start off, I figgered I’d focus on a topic that Mike occasionally refers to: eyesight, and how good it is to have it! I’ve been following Mike’s travails with his own eyeball adventures, and I continue to wish him ongoing optical health. I hope that someday he might develop some sort of laser vision, which would be a pretty keen thing to have.
But what of other persons who seem to have eye problems, hmm? We need to also extend our understanding and empathy to those who have some a problem with an ocular orb or two or occasionally three. Folks like Clark Kent!
Clark Kent? Having vision problems? I can hear you ask across the vast expanse of the inter-majig-net, and it’s true; oh, it’s true. Because frankly, you can hardly read a Superman story without realizing the poor guy must have something stuck in his eye.
![Geez, the unnecessary length of that headline! Was Perry on vacation that day? (Lois Lane #6)](https://www.progressiveruin.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/loislane6-300x266.jpg)
Oooh, that’s awful. I hate when that happens. Is it a bit of dust, Clark?
![And now, Lois and Clark through a telescope. (Superman #44)](https://www.progressiveruin.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/superman44-267x300.jpg)
Maybe a splinter? Oh man, those things are awful!
!["Or Aquaman, but nobody wanted to mention it at the time." (Superman #105)](https://www.progressiveruin.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/superman105b-300x265.jpg)
Perhaps you need an eye wash, Clark? A little clean water’ll get whatever that is right out of there.
![Wow, the sheer HEAT coming off of Clark...you could roast marshmallows over him. (World's Finest Comics #40)](https://www.progressiveruin.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/worldsfinestcomics40-300x293.jpg)
Maybe some Visine? Ben Stein has told me it will get the red out! And while you’re at it, lend Lois your handkerchief, ya crumb-bun.
![It's funny because Lois is in tears. (Lois Lane #55)](https://www.progressiveruin.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/loislane55-300x271.jpg)
Could it be pollen? That gets in your eye and you can’t help but blink all spring long.
!["Stop breaking the fourth wall behind my back, Clark!" (Superman #125)](https://www.progressiveruin.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/superman125-300x251.jpg)
Maybe you could ask Perry if he would spring for an air purifier for the Daily Planet offices?
![Where do you get a green suit, Perry? (Superman #105)](https://www.progressiveruin.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/superman105a.jpg)
Well, at least it’s a problem that only seems to affect the Golden Age Clark of Earth-2, and not an optical ailment that bedevils the current, modern-day Mr. Kent and OH FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
![SUperman winks so hard it makes an audible noise. (DC Infinite Holiday)](https://www.progressiveruin.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/dcinfiniteholiday2006-207x300.jpg)
Well, whatever it is that you’ve got in your eye, Clark, it doesn’t seem to affect your alter-ego Superman at all.
![AIEEE THE CHIN (Adventures of Superman digital #47)](https://www.progressiveruin.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/adventuresofsuperman47-187x300.jpg)
Yikes! Have you considered that whatever keeps getting into your eye is Kryptonite-based, Clark? Maybe you should ask Lois to take a look for you since she’s always so common-sense and level-headed.
!["This crazy gal, am I right, folks?" (Superman 145)](https://www.progressiveruin.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/superman145-300x292.jpg)
Anyway, folks, that’s my first post subbing for Mike, and I hope if nothing else, we can all agree: I drove this stupid joke into the ground like a circus tent-post.
![And then, he slammed the door right in John Byrne's face! (Action Comics #583)](https://www.progressiveruin.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/action583-264x300.jpg)
Your pal Mike is having other obligations for the next few days that will prevent my ability to provide proper blogging on the site. However, the cavalry arrived in the form of that little stuffed soldier Bully!
![](https://www.progressiveruin.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/bullylol1.jpg)
He’s got the keys to the castle clutched in his little hooves, and I have no idea what he plans on doing, so I will be just as surprised as you are! A big thanks to Bully for stepping in during my time of need!