advertising
No time to post…too busy reporting UFO sightings.
from the back cover of that UFO magazine Employee Aaron gave me
So if Zeus comes at you while wearing a green jogging suit, sock him right in the beard.
1. “Completion certificate may be awarded.” “May.” “Whether you complete the training or not” feels very implied, here.
2. “This is the AMERICAN WAY not oriental.” I…um, oh dear.
3. I’m assuming the name “Americo” is a play on “judo.” Take that, Juds!
EDIT: 4. It seems pal Andrew covered the same ad in his own inimitable way a few years back. Recommended reading!
classified ad from DC Comics (November 1984)
For those of you still looking for that perfect Christmas gift.
The upraised red-colored fist and the red star seem at odds with the overtly-capitalist “MAKE $$$” blurb, but who am I to judge?
And how would you make money with it, anyway? “Hold on, let me untwist that bottlecap for you!” [one bionically untwisted bottlecap later] “That’ll be $1.50, please.” Or extortion, of course: “Give me your money or you’ll get such a bionic tweak!”
I wonder what this actually was. It was only a buck back in 1977, which I realize is the equivalent of, what, $1300 today (well, okay, about three and a half bucks), which wouldn’t cover the cost of much of a toy, even a cheapie plastic one. Maybe it was one of these? I suppose you could make money reaching through sewer grates for coins with one of these.
Which does make me wonder what the “make $$$” come-on was with this item. Maybe a sheet describing how to market your item for sale, whatever it would be, like this dude did.
And I don’t know if the whole thing is “guaranteed,” or just the “life-like” nature of the bionic hand — excuse me, “bi-onic hand” — is guaranteed. “This hand isn’t fleshy to the touch at all…and I find its movements stiff and unnatural. Please return my one dollar purchase price at your earliest convenience.”
On top of all that…what if the bionic hand wasn’t in your control? ‘Hey, my bionic hand finally showed up in the mail…OH GOD IT’S STRANGLING ME”
…
So, the bionic hand…put that on your Christmas lists, kids!
classified ad from DC Comics, October 1977
Sometimes I just want to post a scan of a mid-1980s Jemm, Son of Saturn house ad.
Just happened to come across this ad I was rereading some ’80s Superman comics, and I don’t think I’ve reread this series (by Greg Potter, Gene Colan and Klaus Janson) since it originally came out over 25 years ago. However, I do recall really looking forward to it and enjoying it when it finally did. I should bust them out and read ’em again.
I apparently have enough residual goodwill towards this character that I’m — well, “excited” is too strong a term — how ’bout “bemused” whenever Jemm pops up in one series or another. I think his first post-series appearance was a brief cameo in the round-robin title DC Challenge, and since then he’s appeared in such places as Grant Morrison’s JLA run, in Ostrander and Mandrake’s Martian Manhunter series, and most recently (I believe) in the Superman: World of New Krypton mini-series.
So anyway, Jemm: pretty much the definition of an eighth-stringer, but I like him anyway.
There’s a new action figure of Jemm coming out this year from Mattel’s DC Universe Classics line, and here’s an extensive look at it. Doesn’t quite match the look of Colan’s twisty and amorphous version from the mini-series, but I suspect an action figure strictly matching Colan’s particular art style would only frighten and confuse.
Some people didn’t want to wait for the official figure, and thus whipped up a custom-made Jemm figure done in the style of the hyper-muscular Total Justice action figure line.
If that’s all too plastic-y for you, here’s a custom-made Mego-style version complete with cloth clothing (about halfway down the page).
And in conclusion: Jemm, Son of Saturn. Not to be confused with….
“Train animals, pets, probably a sibling or two!”
1955 comic book ad
When I was but a young Mikester in the ’70s (the nineteen-seventies, wiseguy) (A.D.), there were a couple of neighborhood kids who had leather bullwhips as toys. Not sure why they had whips as toys, but we all had fun trying to get the end of the whip to crack “like the bang of a shot gun!” as it says in the ad, there. And here we were, in a quiet Southern California city, with really nothing else to do with a bullwhip except try to crack it or, of course, chase each other around trying to hit each other with it. How no one lost an eye is anyone’s guess.
Do kids still get whips as toys now? I mean, aside from kids who’d have regular access to whips anyway, like maybe those who live on farms or whose parents either train lions or provide specialty direct-to-DVD entertainments. I’d suspect bullwhip toys are the kind of thing that’s going the way of the candy cigarettes and the gray plastic spring-loaded cannon I used to have that shot freakin’ wooden bullets.
Anyway, that’s some seductive descriptive text in that ad. “Grip lightly (pressure is on the loop) then crack or coil, ladies.” Okay, silliness aside, whoever wrote this ad sure made it sound like owning a whip would be the greatest thing ever, with just a few choice evocative words, even if ultimately the only thing you did with it was scare the dog or annoy your friends.
"Look like you belong in the emergency ward!"
Posting the blown-up ad the other day got me in the mood to really sit down and examine other tiny ads like these a little more closely. Here are a few that caught my eye:
I’m reasonably certain the “Galactus” mentioned in the ad is unconnected to you-know-who. And I’m sure it’s not a knock-off of a Star Wars item, like the definitely-not-a-TIE-Fighter pictured there.
“…And it’s ready for immediate stovetop cooking!”
Good God. Why would you want to?
Now you too can look like a Jim Woodring drawing!
Not pictured: the much larger fan behind that little fan that’s actually causing the woman’s hair to do that.
I just like the drawing in this ad. I’m sure a lot of folks had an uncle or some other relative that looked like that.
Whoops, cut off the price. It only costs ninety-nine cents to have all that fun as described in the ad. “Weee, I appear terribly injured!”
Please tell me that was the actual shape of the glasses.
This is a fun toy for restaurants. (But really…ick.)
Oh, this is just asking for trouble. I admit I am curious about “The Wonder Touch.” That sounds like a useful power. However, I’d worry that my Sense Extensions wouldn’t work out any better than my hair extensions.