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Someone unbuckled my swash.
Okay, okay, there’s more than just one funny pirate comic, like I had said. There’s Pirate Club from Slave Labor, apparently One Piece is also another funny pirate comic…any others? Would you count My Monkey’s Name Is Jennifer? There’re pirates in it.
Geez…all I wanted to do was make my El Cazador joke!
Here are a couple more items for my list of Things Not to Say to A Comic Shop Employee:
21. “Our new superhero is Neil Gaiman’s Sandman done right!”
22. “Did you see [the new movie that just opened that day] yet?” (usually asked immediately after we open first thing in the morning) [from Chris Brown]
23. “Slow day, huh?” (only asked by the first customer who comes during the lull after a big rush)
24. “Hey, I’m buying a lot of stuff — how ’bout a discount?” (“a lot” usually = $20 worth of merchandise or so) [I was reminded of this one by Greg at Viper Comics]
25. “Will you give me a dollar for the bus?” (not “will you make change,” but “give me money.” I had a guy come in nearly every day for a couple weeks asking us that)
Okay, now here are a couple true stories:
1. I was in a Los Angeles comic shop (no, not that one) with a friend of mine, and for some reason, as I was talking with him, the topic of Barry Windsor-Smith came up. I mentioned something about Windsor-Smith drawing those early Conan comics, and one of the store’s employees piped up with “no, that’s Barry Smith. Windsor Smith drew Little Nemo in Slumberland!” I’m not often dumbfounded….
2. A couple years back, a customer brings up the newest issue of the “KISS” comic book and started talking to me about how great it is that there’s all this new KISS stuff coming out. I replied, absolutely without any malice, that it was very interesting that a band that was once big and popular could fade away for several years then come back so strongly.
The customer then got very angry with me, shook his finger at me and proclaimed “KISS NEVER FADED AWAY! THEY WERE ALWAYS POPULAR!”
3. Received a call from someone claiming to have a copy of Superboy #1 (the original one, from 1949) in absolutely perfect condition, and that he wanted to bring it in to sell. Well, we assumed it wasn’t in “perfect” condition (heard that so many times, we don’t even listen to it anymore), but if it was a Superboy #1 in any condition, we’d certainly be interested.
The next day, a couple comes in carrying a briefcase. They identify themselves as the people with the Superboy #1, and gingerly place the briefcase on the counter. Popping the latches, they open the case and carefully pull the comic out.
It’s a Superboy Annual #1, from 1964. Still a nice item, not as rare or expensive as a Superboy #1, but still pretty good…except for the fact that this “perfect condition” comic had no cover, and had been so waterlogged at some point in the past that it was now pretty much a solid brick. We tried to explain to the couple, as nicely as we could, that the comic wasn’t the title they thought it was, and it didn’t matter anyway since it was completely unsellable.
Well, they were pretty darn mad. They thought we were trying to pull something over on them (what, exactly, I have no idea…we weren’t trying, for example, to talk them down on a price…we didn’t even want the comic in the store!), they picked up their comic, shoved it back in their briefcase, and headed out. For all I know, they’re still wandering from town to town, getting increasingly upset that all these comic shops are turning their noses up at such a “great item.”
Greg posted over on the Viper Comics weblog a few additions to my Things Not to Say list. I can vouch for most, if not all, of them.
Also, here is your suicide-inducing “filmed in ‘Depresso-vision'” comic strip link of the day. Good Lord.
Things Not to Say to A Comic Shop Employee. (All true, by the way.)
1. “Do you carry comics?”
2. “How much will this comic be worth?”
3. “I don’t remember the title…but it had this guy, and he did this thing.”
4. “You know, I’m the person ‘Hopey’ from Love & Rockets was based on.”
5. “Do you sell inflatable sheep?”
6. “Do you have a private viewing room for the adult comics?”
7. “Why, I remember when comics were only 5 cents!”
8. “Do you have any really good ninja comics?”
9. “I have a comic from 1962. What’s it worth?”
10. “Are all your comics this expensive?”
11. “Do you have any ‘I Love Bingo’ t-shirts?”
12. “Do you have a photocopier? I want to copy some pages out of this comic.”
13. “I’m an artist; do you have anything I can trace?” (Okay, they don’t come right out and say it like that, but that’s what they mean.)
14. “I’m looking for some good tattoo ideas — what do you have?”
15. “Do you have any Spider-Man comics that are less sexy and violent than this?” (said after looking at a reprint of a Lee/Ditko era Spider-Man)
16. “Hi! I just let my ill-mannered kids run around the store unsupervised while I talked loudly on my cell phone for the last half-hour, and I have absolutely no intention of buying anything. Can my kids use your employees-only bathroom?” (Again, not exactly what the customer said…but boy, that’s how I read it. Surprisingly, my answer was “no.”)
17. “I know it’s out…it said so on the internet!”
18. “They’re still publishing Superman? I thought he died a few years ago.” (I get this a lot.)
19. “Is X-Men x-rated? You know, what with the ‘x’ and all.”
20. “You mean there’s an entire store just for comic books?”
Don’t worry…I was nice and tried to help all of these people out, or corrected their misconceptions, or politely informed them “no.” Except for #16 — screw ‘im.
Neilalien links to a quote by Batman‘s Christian Bale, who tries to distance himself from the whole “comic book” thing.
I’m reminded of Kirsten Dunst who, on some cable channel promo-show for the first Spider-Man movie, in response to being asked if she read the Spidey comics as a kid, laughingly said “look at me! Do I look like I read comics?”
Also I’m reminded of Halle Berry, who, at the time of the first X-Men movie, was apparently complaining on a talk show about, due to the lack of roles available to a black woman, being “reduced” to playing a comic book character. (Berry claims she never said anything like this.)
At least John Travolta has the right attitude.
1. Comic writer Micah Wright admits he fabricated his military service; all hell breaks loose. (I know you all know about this already, but I’m posting this link so my dad can read about it.)
2. A newspaper story on last weekend’s Pittsburgh Comicon features a short but nice interview with Swamp Thing co-creator Bernie Wrightson, among others.
3. Found via Metafilter…online scans of Atari 2600 comic books, including Atari Force, Swordquest (by George Perez!) and Yar’s Revenge!
Hear ye, hear ye.
Pal Dorian, whom you might remember from my incessant mentioning of him in this weblog, not to mention his fill-in post regarding Doom Patrol #34, now has a comics/pop culture weblog of his very own, so he can stop slumming around here. Hie thee hither to
Postmodernbarney.com
and tell him Mike sent you. If you want him to treat you nicely, don’t tell him Mike sent you. WARNING: He might discuss Dr. Who, but don’t hold that against him.
Seriously, though, he’s a smart guy, and I think you all will enjoy his insights. But don’t let him know I said that.
1. How embarrassing…I thought I had Legomancer over there in my links list this whole time, and I didn’t. Oops, I guess the egg is in my face.
2. It looks like everyone on the freakin’ planet has their copy of The Complete Peanuts, Volume 1, except me. I had to go and wait to get the copies at my shop, instead of advance-ordering from the publisher like all the cool kids are doing. Gosh dang it. I needs me some early Peanuts, and I needs ’em now.
2a. I did, however, receive my copy of Li’l Beginnings, the collection of Schulz’s Peanuts precursor Li’l Folks. It’s a gorgeous book…the gold stamping on the front cover really stands out, and the strips inside are reprinted at darn near full-page size. It’s just as good as I hoped it would be.
3. So the other day at the store a fella is browsing the racks, glancing through various titles, looking at some of the books on the shelves and so on. Then a friend of his comes into the store to come get him…apparently Guy #1 was waiting on his friend to do some business in a nearby store, and decided to pass the time looking around in our shop. Okay, that’s fine. But as they’re leaving, the second fella asks Guy #1 “hey, you wanted to buy anything?” Guy #1 responds “nah. Can you believe it…grown men actually draw these things!”
Sigh. Grown women draw them too, thank you. What did he think…they were slapped together by preschoolers? Generated entirely by computers? (Well, some, maybe.)
4. I was doing a little restocking at the shop yesterday, and noticed that we had actually sold most of a run of Hex. Sure, you remember Hex, don’t you? At the end of Jonah Hex #92 (the last issue of that series, published in 1985), Jonah vanishes in a flash of light in front of a bar full of people. What happened to him? Well, he ended up in the apocalyptic post-nuclear not-at-all-like-Road Warrior world of…the future! Hex, which ran 18 issues, featured Jonah using his old-west know-how in this new world, filled with giant insects, robots, flying ships, a future version of Batman, corrupt corporations, etc. etc., so on, and so forth. It was all completely inappropriate, and you know what? I’ll defend this series with my dying breath. I wish DC would occasionally do more things like this…take some of their characters and just do something completely bizarre and out of left field with them. Where’s my Aquaman: Space Ranger series? The John Byrne Forum had a good thing going with the Batman’s Moon Patrol (and Monkey) gag series they came up with. (Heck, what I wouldn’t give to see Batman fighting aliens again, and I don’t mean in JLA…I mean in his own books.) Or how ’bout “Sue Dibny is…The Spectre!” Why not? The Spectre’s position looks like it’ll need filling, and if the rumors are true about the Elongated Man’s wife…well, she may be in a position to take the job. I’d buy it…wouldn’t you? Don’t lie to me, of course you would.
Now, was Hex any good? No, of course not. Was it entertaining? Sure it was, in a real B-movie “I can’t believe they’re actually doing this” kind of way. The last few issues were illustrated by Keith Giffen, and the series ends on on absolutely appalling, but perfect, note, one designed to keep the hardcore Jonah Hex fans happy in regards to previously established continuity regarding Jonah’s eventual fate. (Won’t spoil it here, but I’ll post it in the comments if you’re interested.)