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The blurbs on the covers of Warren magazines are almost like poetry:

Eerie

#53 – “His mind is trapped in the body of a 2000-year-old mummy…and the body is forcing him to destroy men…women…and even monsters!”

#60 – “Exterminator One! He was created half-man half-machine! For one purpose: to kill!”

#66 – “The hero lord battles a mad magician’s seven trials! Demons. Goblins. Banshees. Sea monsters. Dwarves. Gnomes. And death!”

#79 – “He was death on cleats!”

#81 – “She’s big! She’s beautiful! She’s atop the Empire State Building! Why?“

#91 – “Dark evil lives! …Brought from heaven in a death star from hell!”

#115 – “They were trapped by blood-lusting ravagers! Victims of drug-crazed killers! ‘Night of the Jackass!'”

#117 – “Desire, damnation and deception as the barbaric Vivien battles Cagim and Merlin for all earth!”

1994

#12 – “The slimy, crawly, slithering gropies do terrible things to pretty little girls!”

#17 – “She loathed them! Detested them! Hated their oily bodies with a murderous passion! The only thing she loved was to hear their metal hides crunching under her hammer!”

#23 – “They teleported through deepest space…at least pieces of them did…in the blood splattered classic ‘Teleport 2010!'”

Creepy

#60 – “Lucien was a weird little boy with a big imagination! With his magic rock he created mind-made monsters!”

#64 – “A spaceman? A monster? A god…or a ghoul? Who is the tormented decaying man?”

#79 – “There were three kinds of people…the living…the dead…and those who were somewhere in between!”

#84 – “Play ball! The grenade is pitched at Jackie-7! The robot must make a hit…before the outfielder catches it…pulls the pin…and puts the rusty ‘relic’ out…for good!”

#85 – “The great white hunter stalks the abominable yeti in a grisly game of ‘Hide and Go Mad!'”

#95 – “Naked apes in color! See evil! Hear evil! Speak evil! Gorilla warfare issue!”

#141 – “A world in upheaval! Madness and mayhem in the ruins of ‘The Checkout Counter!'”

Today at the store:

Kid Chris: “They’re doing Batman: Long Halloween action figures? Do they have to do figures for every storyline?”

Me: “Where’s my Death in the Family action figure set? I want a Joker with springloaded ‘beating Robin with a crowbar’ action!”

I’m a very bad person.

Speaking of Batman, I recently picked up the Kelley Jones’ run on the series for dirt cheap. In general, I don’t buy a whole lot of recent back issues…pretty much anything I wanted over the last couple of decades, I bought as it came out. Somehow, though, I managed to skip over this run, despite Jones being one of my favorite comic artists. That’s probably due to my general reluctance to getting pulled into four or five monthly books’ worth of additional continuity for me to keep straight, which is why I mostly stuck to the comics based on the animated series for my Bat-fix. (However, I did get the issue with Swamp Thing, of course.)

I’m only a couple issues in, and so far it’s exactly what I figured it would be…a lot of attempts at either wrapping up or otherwise addressing events in the Batman family of books (the return of Bruce Wayne to the Batman role, the whole Azrael (yawn) thing). But it all looks so pretty, which is all I ask. I know these continuity issues don’t hang over the entire run, and there are some nice looking Deadman issues in there somewhere, as well as a Joker/Demon storyline which I’ve flipped through a time or three before.

I’m looking forward to it…it’s been a long time since I’ve read some plain ol’ Batman comics that weren’t Elseworlds or media spinoffs or so on.

Will Ferrell will be starring in a big-screen adaptation of my favorite show from my childhood, Land of the Lost.

The story states that the series is due out on DVD this month…in fact, it’s the third season set being released this month, as the previous two seasons were released last year. Yes, I have them. They’re absolutely brilliant.

(via Further Adventures)

Who’s Batman, again?

(via the mighty Mr. Dan Kelly).

A link to this image was posted on FARK today, supposedly “proving” that Venom is going to be in the new Spider-Man movie. Take that with a grain of salt. A huge grain of salt. (EDIT: Image already gone…took thousands of hits from FARK, then I link it and it disappears. Rats.)

And I’m sure you all have seen the images of Brandon Routh as Superman, as well. The Superman costume seems a little…off, somehow, but I can probably live with it. You know, like they’re asking me. He makes a great Clark Kent, though.

So, the Demogoblin statue wasn’t enough…a quick look through the new issue of the Diamond Previews catalog reveals more wondrous treasures….

Page 452 – I don’t know if they could have managed a worse likeness of Eliza Dushku than the one on this action figure if they tried. Are we sure these aren’t the Steven Tyler of Aerosmith action figures?

On page 456 of Previews, one may find a full page of Napster merchandise, all of which prominently featuring the “Napster” face logo. The Napster 15-inch Plush Bendy Body, the Napster Kitty Head Cell Phone Charm, the Napster 7-inch Beanie doll…it’s all very terrifying. It doesn’t say anywhere in the solicitation info if you have to keep paying a monthly fee to Napster in order to continue using these items.

Page 460 – Retailers! Stock up your close-out shelves with Serenity action figures!

Page 484 – The Dead or Alive: Xtreme Beach Volleyball Trading Figures Assortment. Little plastic bikini girls, which you have to buy blind, what with the “mystery box” packaging. I was going to make the obvious “going blind” joke, but you all have made it already, I’m sure.

Page 491 – Star Wars Episode III Electronic Lightsabers. Okay, I had a toy lightsaber when I was a kid. I was, what, eight years old? I have my doubts that any of these new lightsabers are going to end up in the hands of eight-year-olds, for some reason.

Page 495 – Supergirl Shield Graffiti Poster. Um, what? “This fine poster has been ‘tagged’ with the classic Kryptonian shield and a graffiti-style background with Supergirl’s name in spray-paints.” There’s trying too hard, and then there’s this.

Page 498 – Doctor Who: K-9 Bobble Head. Well…okay, I’ll let this one slide.

Page 500 – I was going to say something about the $350 Lord of the Rings: Sword of Eowyn prop replica, but somehow I find the Lord of the Rings White Glamdring Scabbard (for $200) even more appalling. “Sword not included,” it says.

Pages 501-3 feature the forthcoming onslaught of the Charlie and the Chocolate Factory film merchandise. You need to look at your copy of Previews to see the creepy “concept art” they have for some of these items, since the actual items themselves aren’t quite ready yet. Dig the upsetting “Oompa Loompa Headknocker,” with a photo of the actor’s face pasted onto a much smaller body. Brrrrr. The weirdest item is probably the Wonka Plush Bar. Yes, an actual “stuffed animal” version of a Wonka chocolate bar and wrapper. That’s just…I don’t know where to start.

Page 504 – Metallica Tiki Bobbleheads. None of those words belong with each other.

It’s not all bad, though…there is the Thanos action figure:

So I was looking at the ranked lists of items available from Diamond Comics for reorder, when I noticed something odd in their “Top 10 Books” list. Apparently number ten on the list (for items reordered in March) was last year’s volume of the Overstreet Price Guide. This year’s volume was number four on that same list. I know that when March/April rolls around, I try to avoid reordering the price guide so that I don’t get stuck with any copies once the new edition is released. I hope whoever ordered all those old guides managed to get rid of them in time.

Number nine on that list was How to Draw Comics The Marvel Way. Man, that book’s gonna sell forever, isn’t it?

Oh, and the top five slots on the “Top 25 Graphic Novels/TPs” list were filled with Sin City books. Presumably they’re just counting orders, and not actual items shipped.

Okay, now honestly…who out there is planning to buy the Demogoblin bust? The solicitation information I linked to says it’s “limited” to 3,000 pieces, but I swear the printed version of Previews said it was limited to 2,000 (I don’t have the Previews here to double-check). Either way, I’m fairly certain there should be no problem getting one of these things, should you so desire.

But, really, a Demogoblin bust? Are there 2,000 (or 3,000) Demogoblin fans out there who have to have this? Or Spider-Man fans who buy all related merchandise? Or, as pal Dorian suggested to me, are there enough Marvel statue completists to support the production of pieces based on even the most minor character?

Of course, the real crime here is that we have yet to see a Howard the Duck statue.

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Other new comics day stuff…pal JP, upon seeing the Sin City Yellow Bastard action figure: “Hey, this looks like a realistic version of Homer Simpson!”

Looking at the first page of the new issue of Teen Titans, I almost got sucked into an in-joke black hole: Captain Marvel, Jr. quoting Elvis Presley…a reference to said character’s influence upon Elvis’ wardrobe in later years…which was itself referenced by the color scheme of Mary Marvel’s changed costume in the Power of Shazam series…ARRGH! And let’s not even get into the whole “King Marvel” thing from Kingdom Come, where Captain Marvel Jr. is redesigned to look more like Elvis…this is like the Ouroboros of comics.

There used to be a post about a mid-80s indie comic here. Apparently, even though I believe the scans were within fair use, this is causing some grief for some people, and I don’t need any grief popping up for a three-year-old post.

So, into the memory hole it goes. I managed to sell some copies at the shop because of that post, so its job is pretty much done.