Progressive Ruin Presents…The End of Civilization
So, the Demogoblin statue wasn’t enough…a quick look through the new issue of the Diamond Previews catalog reveals more wondrous treasures….
Page 452 – I don’t know if they could have managed a worse likeness of Eliza Dushku than the one on this action figure if they tried. Are we sure these aren’t the Steven Tyler of Aerosmith action figures?
On page 456 of Previews, one may find a full page of Napster merchandise, all of which prominently featuring the “Napster” face logo. The Napster 15-inch Plush Bendy Body, the Napster Kitty Head Cell Phone Charm, the Napster 7-inch Beanie doll…it’s all very terrifying. It doesn’t say anywhere in the solicitation info if you have to keep paying a monthly fee to Napster in order to continue using these items.
Page 460 – Retailers! Stock up your close-out shelves with Serenity action figures!
Page 484 – The Dead or Alive: Xtreme Beach Volleyball Trading Figures Assortment. Little plastic bikini girls, which you have to buy blind, what with the “mystery box” packaging. I was going to make the obvious “going blind” joke, but you all have made it already, I’m sure.
Page 491 – Star Wars Episode III Electronic Lightsabers. Okay, I had a toy lightsaber when I was a kid. I was, what, eight years old? I have my doubts that any of these new lightsabers are going to end up in the hands of eight-year-olds, for some reason.
Page 495 – Supergirl Shield Graffiti Poster. Um, what? “This fine poster has been ‘tagged’ with the classic Kryptonian shield and a graffiti-style background with Supergirl’s name in spray-paints.” There’s trying too hard, and then there’s this.
Page 498 – Doctor Who: K-9 Bobble Head. Well…okay, I’ll let this one slide.
Page 500 – I was going to say something about the $350 Lord of the Rings: Sword of Eowyn prop replica, but somehow I find the Lord of the Rings White Glamdring Scabbard (for $200) even more appalling. “Sword not included,” it says.
Pages 501-3 feature the forthcoming onslaught of the Charlie and the Chocolate Factory film merchandise. You need to look at your copy of Previews to see the creepy “concept art” they have for some of these items, since the actual items themselves aren’t quite ready yet. Dig the upsetting “Oompa Loompa Headknocker,” with a photo of the actor’s face pasted onto a much smaller body. Brrrrr. The weirdest item is probably the Wonka Plush Bar. Yes, an actual “stuffed animal” version of a Wonka chocolate bar and wrapper. That’s just…I don’t know where to start.
Page 504 – Metallica Tiki Bobbleheads. None of those words belong with each other.
It’s not all bad, though…there is the Thanos action figure:
