Mike Sterling's Progressive Ruin
Quicker than quick, stronger than strong since 1969
Mikester My latest Behind the Counter column is up at the new Comic Book Galaxy. It’s kind of an expanded version of “Things Not to Say to a Comic Shop Employee,” with extra commentary. Enjoy, won’t you?
Also, be sure to wish Scott Saavedra a happy one-year anniversary on his swell site, Comic Book Heaven. The print version of CBH was one of the many inspirations for this goofy little weblog of mine, and I’m glad he’s still seeking out silly stuff for all of us to enjoy!
Happy Fourth of July, where applicable.
If there’s anything more indicative of the Punisher’s selling power from his late-80s/early-90s heyday, it’s the fact that Marvel was able to publish ten whole issues of Punisher Armory. Essentially, it’s page after page of illustrations of various weapons and equipment used by the Punisher in his war against crime:
Those caption boxes you see in that scan there are the Punisher’s narration, describing the weapon, how he uses it, where he got it (usually off the body of some dead punk), random events in his day to day life…it’s like reading the Punisher’s weblog:
“Micro Chip was riding me the other day about how shabby my lifestyle is. […] I said, Micro, I like my mess just fine.”
Yeah, like that. Here’s the first caption box from the page I have scanned above:
“I like the solidity of the old Army M-1. I trained with one alongside the M-14 and M-16. The barrel length gives great accuracy and with a little bit of work the size gives great fear. Psychology can play a big part in dealing with people who want to kill you. Often they are in the weaker position.”
Imagine that being read to you in the Punisher’s (presumably) gravelly, psychotic voice. Now imagine it being read to you homoerotically by a real live gay man. Really, we need to get Dorian to audioblog that.
So there I was, poking through a copy of Avengers #10 (Nov 1963) by Stan Lee, Don Heck, and Dick Ayers, when I came across the following panels:
Okay, so Immortus, the time-traveling super-villain, has, as part of his master scheme, placed a full-page ad on the back of newly-released comic books with the sole purpose of luring Rick Jones into his clutches.
1. Why go through the trouble of placing an ad? Why didn’t he just use his time-traveling powers to, oh, I don’t know, grab Jones when he was at his most off-guard…like when he was asleep or something?
And who designed that ad for him? Did Immortus paste it up himself? Did he kidnap some poor advertising company employee and force him to assemble it? “Immortus commands you, Mr. Bob Smith of American Ad Designs, Inc., to create a full-page advertisement…of doom! Ah HA HA HA!”
2. So was Immortus sitting behind that desk all day, waiting for Jones to show up? And did Immortus have to turn away all the other kids who decided to answer the ad in person? “Hi! I’m here for my super-pow….” “You’re not Jones! Go away!” “But….” “Go away!”
Then again, Immortus might have used his time-traveling powers to determine at what exact time Jones would have arrived, and only had his “office” (or lair, or whatever) open for just that brief window of time. But if Immortus had his act together to that extent, surely he would have also seen that this plan, like all his others, would have ended with his ass being handed to him by the good guys, and he wouldn’t have even bothered in the first place.
Of course, had Jones decided to fill out and mail the coupon instead, that would have put a slight delay into Immortus’ plans, I’d imagine.
Also from Avengers #10…since Immortus, in his own words, “never profanes his own hands in physical combat,” he draws from the wellspring of history and brings forth warriors to fight for him. Real, historical figures from Earth’s past, such as…Paul Bunyan:
Not some figure of the past who may have inspired the legends of Paul Bunyan, but an actual giant Paul Bunyan. Then again, maybe in the Marvel Universe, Paul Bunyan was a real person who, perhaps as a result of the type of mutation that seems to run rampant in said Marvel U., towered over his more normal sized brethren. Kinda like Giant-Man, only without the ability to alter his size.
Other characters that Immortus drags into the present include Merlin (maybe the same as Marvel Comics’ other Merlin) and Hercules (presumably not the same as the other Hercules who would later join the Avengers).
(EDIT: It’s been noted in the comments that these “mythical” characters’ appearances have been explained by Kurt Busiek or Roger Stern or someone in later comics, retconned as Space Phantoms or something similar. Too bad…I like my “Paul Bunyan as mutant” theory. And on the Paul Bunyan theme…Dave relates Captain America’s meeting with the world’s largest lumberjack.)
Also, in the final battle, Immortus apparently makes Thor’s leggings disappear:
The things I find, searching on the eBay:
“MYSTERY AUCTION. GET AT LEAST 5 UNDERGROUND COMICS”
“All very sexy with very hot girls. These are classic, collectors comics. No crap here.”
“Winning bidder will get web site address of my beautiful friend who is pictured in the auction”
And, true to the auction’s title, there is absolutely no indication of what “underground” comics are being offered. My hunch is they’re probably Eros Comics publications.
Garry Trudeau doesn’t much care for the weblogging.
(via Mr. Dan Kelly)
Coop brings us the First Church of Galactus. If you’re going to worship anything, why not something that eats planets?
(via Metafilter)
He stopped by the store after attending a costume party. In July. I have no idea.
Let us peek through the newest Diamond Previews together, my friends, and see what pleasures await us. Flip open your copy and follow along. (Here are some previous installments.)
p. 236-243 – Dear Avatar Comics: How many trees have died in service of all the variant covers you publish for every single one of your comics? All the Nightmare on Elm Street/Friday the 13th/etc. comics have multiple covers apiece. Plus, from the Lady Death collection this month, for the various series you can get the Tight Squeeze cover, the Bring It On cover, the Moonlight cover, the Abandon All Hope cover, the Royal Blue Foil cover, the Prism Foil cover…someone out there gets every variant, you can be sure.
p. 279 – The Solar, Man of the Atom Premiere Statue, for only $49.99, seems like something whose time has come and gone a few years back, during the Valiant Comics heyday. The full-page ad on page 277 states “The first Solar statue ever (and the only one this year),” though I don’t know if I’d hold my breath for any more of them. I don’t know…maybe I’m wrong. Maybe there’s a huge Solar fanbase waiting in silence out there, just hoping for the Solar merchandising onslaught to begin.
p. 390 – Class Dis-Mythed by Robert Asprin and Jody Lynn Nye…dear heavens, Myth-Adventures books are still coming out? At least Phil Foglio is doing the cover.
p. 416 – The Apprentice trading card series, plus a collector’s binder. Yes, really. The basic set covers events from the TV series, as well as introducing the new players in the forthcoming shows. Inserts include cards that contain pieces of ties worn by Donald Trump on the show, as well as autograph cards. Well, okay, a Trump autograph card would be pretty cool.
p. 423 – I’m not 100% on the content guidelines for the main Previews catalog. I know the adult material is shunted off into a separate publication, but as I far as I knew the solicitation information in the main book is supposed to be kept free of naughty language. Anyway, I was just a little surprised when the description of the Mallrats trade paperback stated that the book contained “a shitload of newly designed visual content.” Though I suppose anyone interested in anything involving Kevin Smith has probably heard a four-letter-word or two along the way.
p. 424 – If you’re the world’s biggest Green Lantern fan, you’ll probably want the Green Lantern Corps: Sector 2814 t-shirt (offered again, from a previous catalog).
p. 444 – Care Bears Tie-Dyed Beanbags. “The Care Bears get groovy with this new seies of 6-inch tall tie-dyed beanbag toys!” One of the bears is named “Funshine Bear.” A piece of my soul just withered away, I think.
p. 444, again – Cthulhu Miskatonic University Graduate Plush, in cap and gown. These cutesy Cthulhu toys need to stop now. One of these days, Cthulhu is going to wake down there in the sunken city of R’lyeh, rise up out of the ocean, find out that people have been making cute stuffed animal toys in its likenes, get really pissed off, and eat us all. I mean, honestly.
p. 470 – I’m tempted to mock the Transformers Decepticon Logo Wall Plaque (with hand-numbered base and certificate of authenticity) on this page, but my attention has been taken by the (offered again) solicitation for the Cyclops Visor replica for $175 bucks. For display, not wearing, and features a light-up “optic blast.” Here, see for yourself. (Hey, the price is cheaper at that link…only $139.99!)
p. 480 – Another offered again item is the Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Slayer’s Cross Necklace replica. For $24.99, you get…a silver cross necklace in a Buffy box. A plain ol’ silver cross. That you presumably can buy anywhere. On the other, my favorite piece of Buffy merchandise ever is also offered again.
p. 484-6 – Lots of Japanese girl-in-skirt masturbation aids collectable PVC statues are made available, in a variety of styles and poses. Fully washable.
p. 509 – Family Guy 6-inch Beanies, which come in an assortment of a bunch of Stewies, plus several others that will never sell, ever.
p. 510 – Lord of the Rings Second Age Gondorian Limited Edition Shield – “Roughly shaped and forged, [it] has been authentically ‘battle worn’ with a distressed finish to exactly duplicate the original movie props.” $398.99, and limited to 2,500 pieces, which should come as a surprise to no one.
p. 512 – Edward Scissorhands 13-inch Plush, complete with Keane-painting eyes. Oh, dear. Look at it. I mean, really, look at it.
WARNING – REQUIRES NERDY COMICSWEBLOGOSPHERE* KNOWLEDGE:
(After looking at the new issue of Previews, particularly the DC/Vertigo listings):
Me: “You know what? I think Gepetto is the Adversary in Fables.”
Pal Dorian: “Nah…I think he’s more of a plot point, a pawn in the Adversary’s control who’s building his armies and such.”
Me: “I don’t know…I know that’s been mentioned before in the book, but I’m betting we’re going to get a surprise twist reveal of Gepetto as the Adversary.”
Dor: “But what possible motive would Gepetto have for driving all the Fables characters out of their homeland?”
Me: “‘Bitch crazy.’“
Just on a whim, I did a search on the Google for “fables” and “adversary,” and apparently my Gepetto guess isn’t exactly groundbreaking. Mostly, it’s been decided by the message boards that Gepetto is “too obvious,” and who am I to argue with message boards?
Another thing spotted in the new Previews: the next issue of the Simpsons Treehouse of Horror, featuring “Squish Thing” by Swamp Thing creators Len Wein and Berni(e) Wrightson. I don’t remember who else is in this issue, but every Treehouse of Horror has an impressive line-up of talent and, as I recall, this issue was no exception. But, honestly, the rest of the issue could have been blank pages and I’d still be buying it for the Wein/Wrightson story.
So as it turned out, we did have enough copies of the Angel puppet cover to go around. I even managed to get one (being a late convert to the Buffy-verse, after mainlining DVD season sets thanks to the Netflix). And, thankfully, the other cover variants are moving.
Choice comic of the week: Licensable Bear #2 by Nat Gertler and friends. He’s a cute little bear that just wants to appear on marketable products! Very funny stuff.
I want to like the new Green Lantern series, since I’m a GL fan from way back, only dropping the series after the Hal/Kyle transition (not because of “I can’t believe what they did to Hal,” but because the book wasn’t any darn good). I checked back in once in a while, but never noticed any real improvement. Now that Geoff Jones is writing GL, I have some hope, but the new series has yet to really grab me. I’m borrowing this observation from somewhere (I don’t remember who made this comment first), but I do like the rebuilt ghost town of Coast City, giving Hal’s new digs a unique characteristic not shared by other superhero home towns.
Maybe my somewhat indifferent response to the new series is that I’ve just read enough Green Lantern stories, and I really don’t need to read any more. I’ve reached my GL saturation point!
I don’t want to post the actual text of it here, but surely the very last caption in the new JLA Classified must be a knowing commentary on recent DC crossover events. Very funny, in a darkly humorous sort of way.
Also funny (found via Atrios): no longer a weblog, now an “online magazine:”
“…Traditional blog posts will be replaced with articles of varying lengths and topics. I will also be replacing the comments with article specific message boards.”
We also had a “U.S. OUT OF LATVERIA” bumper sticker, but I don’t appear to have one of those in the vast Mikester Comic Archives. Sorry, Doc!