Progressive Ruin Once Again Brings You…The End of Civilization.

§ July 1st, 2005 § Filed under Uncategorized Comments Off on Progressive Ruin Once Again Brings You…The End of Civilization.

Let us peek through the newest Diamond Previews together, my friends, and see what pleasures await us. Flip open your copy and follow along. (Here are some previous installments.)

p. 236-243 – Dear Avatar Comics: How many trees have died in service of all the variant covers you publish for every single one of your comics? All the Nightmare on Elm Street/Friday the 13th/etc. comics have multiple covers apiece. Plus, from the Lady Death collection this month, for the various series you can get the Tight Squeeze cover, the Bring It On cover, the Moonlight cover, the Abandon All Hope cover, the Royal Blue Foil cover, the Prism Foil cover…someone out there gets every variant, you can be sure.

p. 279 – The Solar, Man of the Atom Premiere Statue, for only $49.99, seems like something whose time has come and gone a few years back, during the Valiant Comics heyday. The full-page ad on page 277 states “The first Solar statue ever (and the only one this year),” though I don’t know if I’d hold my breath for any more of them. I don’t know…maybe I’m wrong. Maybe there’s a huge Solar fanbase waiting in silence out there, just hoping for the Solar merchandising onslaught to begin.

p. 390 – Class Dis-Mythed by Robert Asprin and Jody Lynn Nye…dear heavens, Myth-Adventures books are still coming out? At least Phil Foglio is doing the cover.

p. 416 – The Apprentice trading card series, plus a collector’s binder. Yes, really. The basic set covers events from the TV series, as well as introducing the new players in the forthcoming shows. Inserts include cards that contain pieces of ties worn by Donald Trump on the show, as well as autograph cards. Well, okay, a Trump autograph card would be pretty cool.

p. 423 – I’m not 100% on the content guidelines for the main Previews catalog. I know the adult material is shunted off into a separate publication, but as I far as I knew the solicitation information in the main book is supposed to be kept free of naughty language. Anyway, I was just a little surprised when the description of the Mallrats trade paperback stated that the book contained “a shitload of newly designed visual content.” Though I suppose anyone interested in anything involving Kevin Smith has probably heard a four-letter-word or two along the way.

p. 424 – If you’re the world’s biggest Green Lantern fan, you’ll probably want the Green Lantern Corps: Sector 2814 t-shirt (offered again, from a previous catalog).

p. 444 – Care Bears Tie-Dyed Beanbags. “The Care Bears get groovy with this new seies of 6-inch tall tie-dyed beanbag toys!” One of the bears is named “Funshine Bear.” A piece of my soul just withered away, I think.

p. 444, again – Cthulhu Miskatonic University Graduate Plush, in cap and gown. These cutesy Cthulhu toys need to stop now. One of these days, Cthulhu is going to wake down there in the sunken city of R’lyeh, rise up out of the ocean, find out that people have been making cute stuffed animal toys in its likenes, get really pissed off, and eat us all. I mean, honestly.

p. 470 – I’m tempted to mock the Transformers Decepticon Logo Wall Plaque (with hand-numbered base and certificate of authenticity) on this page, but my attention has been taken by the (offered again) solicitation for the Cyclops Visor replica for $175 bucks. For display, not wearing, and features a light-up “optic blast.” Here, see for yourself. (Hey, the price is cheaper at that link…only $139.99!)

p. 480 – Another offered again item is the Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Slayer’s Cross Necklace replica. For $24.99, you get…a silver cross necklace in a Buffy box. A plain ol’ silver cross. That you presumably can buy anywhere. On the other, my favorite piece of Buffy merchandise ever is also offered again.

p. 484-6 – Lots of Japanese girl-in-skirt masturbation aids collectable PVC statues are made available, in a variety of styles and poses. Fully washable.

p. 509 – Family Guy 6-inch Beanies, which come in an assortment of a bunch of Stewies, plus several others that will never sell, ever.

p. 510 – Lord of the Rings Second Age Gondorian Limited Edition Shield – “Roughly shaped and forged, [it] has been authentically ‘battle worn’ with a distressed finish to exactly duplicate the original movie props.” $398.99, and limited to 2,500 pieces, which should come as a surprise to no one.

p. 512 – Edward Scissorhands 13-inch Plush, complete with Keane-painting eyes. Oh, dear. Look at it. I mean, really, look at it.

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