Progressive Ruin presents…the End of Civilization.

§ October 4th, 2012 § Filed under End of Civilization § 19 Comments

Ain’t no debating it…it’s time once again for the End of Civilization, coming as it must once a month, every month, until the End finally sticks and I can at last go to my rest. Grab your copies of Previews, October 2012 edition, and follow along if you wanna:

p. 57 – Star Wars Dawn of the Jedi – The Prisoner of Bogan #2:

You’d think there would be more buzz about this impending Star Wars/Thundercats crossover.

p. 144 – Batman Arkham City Statue Harley Quinn:

You know, I was fairly indifferent to the Harley Quinn redesign:

…until I saw the hip tattoo:

Nope, sorry, refuse to accept this.

p. 145 – Batman The Dark Knight Returns Action Figure – Batman:

“Oooh, I have such a crick in my neck…where’s my ointment?”

p. 151 – Star Trek The Next Generation/Doctor Who: Assimilation2 #8:

The shocking conclusion to the series! Maybe more people talking to each other! Possibly the Borg and the Cybermen appear!

p. 168 – Joe Palooka #1:

So are 90-year-old fans of the original Joe Palooka comic strip already starting Internet petitions and complaining on message boards about this revamp tying the beloved character to mixed martial arts? Because I can’t stop picturing that.

p. 231 – HoboCop T-Shirt:

Aren’t homeless people hilarious? Imagine if they were also robots!

p. 304 – Annoying Orange Volume 1: Secret Agent Orange:

All this Internet hoohar getting converted to funnybook form will eventually lead us to 4chan: The Comic Book and I’m not quite sure the world is ready for that to happen.

p. 344 – DC Chess Figurine Collection Special #2 – The Bat Signal:


Bat Signal memorabilia fills the room, on shelves, on tables,
hanging from the ceiling. At a table in the center of the room
sits THE WORLD'S BIGGEST BAT SIGNAL FAN, hastily unwrapping a

                           WORLD'S BIGGEST BAT SIGNAL FAN
                     Finally, it's arrived! My Bat Signal chess piece!
                     At long last, the Signal can stand alone over my
                     board, a solitary sentinel illuminating all with 
                     its beacon of justice!

THE WORLD'S BIGGEST BAT SIGNAL FAN opens the package, and pulls
out the DC Chess Figurine Collection Special #2. A look of despair
passes over his face.

                           WORLD'S BIGGEST BAT SIGNAL FAN
            Bat Signal! Batman is...attached to the top! 
                     No! Why must my spotlight share the spotlight?

THE WORLD'S BIGGEST BAT SIGNAL FAN stands, then falls to his knees.

                           WORLD'S BIGGEST BAT SIGNAL FAN

THE WORLD'S BIGGEST BAT SIGNAL FAN looks down, eyes closed, a
single tear falling from one eye.

                           WORLD'S BIGGEST BAT SIGNAL FAN
                     Why must my spotlight...share the spotlight?

p. 353 – Star Trek FAQ: Everything Left to Know About the First Voyages of the Enterprise SC :

What in God’s name is left? What color toe fuzz Walter Koenig had at the end of each shooting day? Gene Roddenberry’s daily gas mileage? The number of appearances of the letter “b” in each script, from first draft to the final broadcast product? (Then again, I’m sure there are still some questions about a certain lead actor’s hair that are up in the air.)

p. 354 – Star Wars The Clone Wars – What Is A Sith Warrior? HC:

Usually dudes that end up getting arms or heads cut off, or simply just cut in half. Many don’t put a whole lot of effort into establishing retirement plans.

p. 354 – Star Wars The Clone Wars – Who Are The jedi? HC:

Apparently a bunch of super-powerful near-mystical dudes who know and see everything but can’t tell a guy they encounter pretty much every day is, like, the most evil person in the galaxy. Hey, everyone has their off moments.

p. 361 – Legion of Monsters Black T-Shirt:

This is a terrible comic, but it had an awesome cover and I think I’m totally going to get this. If you see me explaining to random passerby who happen to notice my shirt that “look, I love this cover, but I insist that you don’t take my wearing of this shirt as an implied approval of the contents of Marvel Premiere #28,” please take me aside and give me a good talking to.

p. 367 – “Bring Back Firefly” Brown T-Shirt:

I’m reasonably certain whoever owns Firefly is making far more profit continually selling “Bring Back Firefly” merchandise to those diehard fans, versus losing their asses by actually bringing it back.

p. 368 – Superman Snap Back Cap:

Another piece of Superman merchandising where he still has his red trunks. …Just noting its existence is all.

p. 373 – Star Wars Han Solo in Carbonite Magnetic Bottle Opener:

Now, if I can somehow hollow out and convert my Life Size Han Solo in Carbonite Statue into a bottled soda dispenser, life would be perfect! Well, perfect aside from my constant weeping at how lonely I am, but hey, still pretty good!

p. 376 – Walking Dead Silicone Gelatin Mold:

December 2012: “Wow, that’s pretty gross! Cool!”

Easter, 2013: “Yeah, okay, that’s funny, but, um, I don’t know.”

Halloween, 2013: “Hey, that old thing! That’s perfect for Halloween!”

Thanksgiving, 2013: “Um, you know, I don’t think Grandma finds that all that amusing.”

Christmas, 2013: “No. No, put that back in the cupboard. You remember how Grandma didn’t care for that.”

Easter, 2014: “OH FOR GOD’S SAKE”

Halloween, 2014: “Hey, you still have that zombie jello mold? Yeah, get it out, it’ll be great!”

p. 383 – Mr. Potato Head DC Spuds Classic Batman:

Well, that’s sort of upsetting and disturbing. I don’t think Mr. Potato Head can get any weirder than tha….

p. 383 – Mr. Potato Head DC Spuds Joker:


p. 392 – Star Wars Kenner Rocket-Firing Boba Fett 12-Inch Action Figure:

In case you were wondering how you were going to put out the eye of any, say, giant squid you happen to come across.

Also, I picture something like this happening:

p. 395 – Portal Turret Plush with Sound:

Only pointing this out because just look how happy and satisfied that guy is. Don’t you wish you were feeling that level of comfort right now? …Well, you will in a second:

p. 398 – Lost in Space Dr. Zachary Smith 3:4 Scale Bust:

Well, of course that’s awesome in and of itself? But what would make it even more fantastic? An animatronic Dr. Zachary Smith 3:4 Scale Bust, with sound! Just imagine Dr. Smith’s visage tracking your movement across the room, sneering at you with haughty disdain, and occasionally calling you a “bubble-headed booby.” Why, that would be a little something like Heaven.

p. 405 – Star Wars Han Solo “Mynock Hunt” PX Mini-Bust:

Harrison Ford is Han Solo as Frank Booth in David Lynch’s Blue Velvet Harvest, coming soon to a theater near you.

p. 416 – Doctor Who Tardis 3D Ceramic Teapot:

I’m a little teapot
Short and stout
Here is my handle
Here is my reversed-polarity neutron flow

p. 433 – Halfling Slippers:

I’m just going to go out on a limb here and say some of you…um, probably don’t need fake hairy feet.

p. 437 – Doctor Who Fez and Bowtie Kit:

Well, I made my statement on the bowtie thing a while back:

…but I’m okay with fezzes. Yes, that’s right, I’ve picked my side in the Great Bowtie Vs. Fez War. Are you WI’ me or are you AGIN me?

p. 451 – Yahtzee Doctor Who Collector’s Edition Dice Game:

So I hear as a tie-in to this product, all of the Eleventh Doctor’s exclamations of “GERONIMO!” in various episodes will be reedited into exclamations of “YAHTZEE!” for future reruns.

p. 458 – Big Tits Zombie DVD:

Just in case you were wondering where Previews stood on the whole “usage of ‘tits’ in the general catalog listings” thing.

p. 462 – Watchmen Ultimate Cut BD + DVD + Graphic Novel:

It’s nice that they include the original comic so you can follow along with the movie and see for yourself the exact point where everything just kind of falls apart. I mean, beyond most people’s default assumption of “when they decided to make a movie of Watchmen.”

19 Responses to “Progressive Ruin presents…the End of Civilization.”

  • Big Tits Zombie says:

    My name is BIG TITS ZOMBIE and I approve this message.

    Top notch post… One might even say it’s… Sterling?

    I’m glad everyone’s cool giving today’s kids comics called “Agent Orange.”

  • Chris T says:

    I guess nobody behind the Star Wars comics ever googled the word BOGAN..

  • philip says:

    Don’t you tempt me with your sexy bust of Dr. Zachary Smith. I’d have a harder time explaining that to my family than I would that stripper/zombie thing.

    Also, the notion of homeless robots is terrifying.

  • Pal Cully says:

    Legion of Monsters was one of the single most disappointing comics of my childhood. I think I need a t-shirt to commemorate it.

  • Mike Walker says:

    “Why must my spotlight share the spotlight?”

    HAHA well played.

  • M.A. Masterson says:

    “Blue Velvet Harvest.” Oh, well done. Well done, indeed.

  • BigFriendlyMike says:

    I’m afraid that the Dr. Zachary Smith bust would start talking to me, making me do things I normally wouldn’t do. Like enter a dark cave, order something from an alien vending machine, give all my weapons to a handsome alien, enter an abandoned alien spacecraft, or any other number of morally dubious exploits…

  • ExistentialMan says:

    You know what I really want to see?

    I’ll tell you.

    A Bazooka Joe vs. Joe Palooka cage match.

  • Snark Shark says:

    ““Bring Back Firefly” Brown T-Shirt”

    Then I’LL need a “Don’t Bring Back Firefly” shirt.

    “Star Wars Kenner Rocket-Firing Boba Fett 12-Inch Action Figure”


  • SO look forward to your End Of Civilization posts. Thanks for making this one extra-length (and amaaaziiing!).
    Best to you and yours.

  • Joe S. Walker says:

    Actually that’s pretty much just a police phone-box teapot.

  • Andres says:

    Came for the Who jokes.

  • Sarah says:

    I’m confused. Previous pornography has taught me that bored strippers engaged in hot girl-on-girl action, not unleashed the armies of the undead…

  • Jon H says:

    That cat-man on the Jedi book looks disturbingly like Travolta in Battlefield Earth.

  • All that bow tie and fez get-up needs is a Sons of the Desert sash.

  • Bearr says:

    Best EoC ever?

    Yeah, best EoC ever.

    And you’re bang on with those Hobbit slippers. If anything, I’d put those on to make it look like I’d trimmed.

  • Adam Farrar says:

    So during the process of creating a spy story for Annoying Orange, the phrase “Agent Orange” souidn’t sound familiar to anyone?

  • philfromgermany says:

    You should put out a collected edition of all “End of civilization” posts. A capsule containing time capsules containing the best in retail horror.

  • KingCranium says:

    Exchange that bow tie for a red tie and you could go as Jonathan Rhys-Davies as Sallah in Last Crusade. You’d need some camels to lead around to really make it true to the movie.

    Also, for extreme versimilitude, find a slightly confused old man to accompany you to any halloween gatherings.