Progressive Ruin presents…the End of Civilization.

§ March 29th, 2007 § Filed under Uncategorized Comments Off on Progressive Ruin presents…the End of Civilization.

Yes, it’s once again that time, when Mike stays up way too late scanning things out of the latest Diamond Previews catalog and makes fun of them. Sweet, gentle fun, with nary a harsh word nor ill feeling in sight. Well, not until I get to the Star Trek cards, at least.

Whip open your April ’07 copy of Previews and follow along, yes? Yes! (And look for links to the previous…oh, Good Lord, 25 installments in the sidebar.)

p. 189 – Spider-Man 3 New Goblin Statue:

Okay, it’s in silhouette because whatever licensing agreement that’s in place is preventing the unveiling of the statues too early, or the paint jobs are still being finalized, or something like that. Doesn’t really matter. But, honestly, it totally looks like the Goblin is giving us a full-on porn pose there. Er, so I’m told. “Get a load of this, Spider-Man! Ah HA HA HA!”

p. 197 – Marvel Universe Civil War Nitro Bust:

“Hi, kids! I blew up an entire town filled with civilians, kicking off the interminable Civil War crossover, and I gave Captain Marvel cancer! Relive those fantastic moments with my celebratory statue!” (At least the “exploding crotch” display sort of makes sense with this character.)

p. 197 – Marvel Milestones Magneto Statue:

“Comes with extra interchangeable head!!!”

You get your choice of “that pointy piece that sticks down just over my nose is making me crosseyed” Magneto and the combo “my contacts have clouded over/I really need to make a dental appointment” Magneto.

p. 198 – Marvel Zombies MiniMates:

Okay, it’s not a actual solicitation, but an ad for a future solicitation, but I just wanted to say that this series of MiniMates looks, well, kinda cool.

p. 268 – Dynamite Select: Red Sonja Turner Statue – Artist Proof Signed Edition:

Look out for the giant phallic symbol, Red Sonja!

p. 293 – Spent HC:

It’s a collection of Joe Matt’s Peep Show, and if you’re familiar with the man’s material, you’ll find the title of this collection to be both hilarious and just slightly nauseating.

For those of you who don’t know his work, rest assured that Joe Matt shoots off a big load of laughs on each and every page. You gotta hand it to him.

Why, yes, those were masturbation jokes! Thanks for noticing!

p. 317 – Star Trek: The Next Generation: The Space Between #6:

This isn’t a comment about the comic being solicited, but rather a blurb inserted into the accompanying image:

Hmmm…”Original Series Year Four?” Seems that someone saw how well Buffy Season 8 was received and thought that particular strategy might boost the Trek comic license as well. Certainly couldn’t hurt, since the Next Generation comic is currently selling (at least for us) like Dixie Chicks albums at a gun show. (I’m selling one copy to someone who just gets all Trek comics on her comic saver list at the shop.)

p. 415 – Dalekmania 2008 Wall Calendar:

Don’t worry, Whovians, I’m not singling out the Dalek calendar for abuse…I just wanted to point out that the last thing I really want to think about in March is calendars for NEXT YEAR.

But, honestly…a calendar full of pictures of Daleks kinda is at the crossroads of “cool” and “downright peculiar.”

p. 436 – The “Quotable” Star Trek: Deep Space Nine Trading Cards & Album:

“There’s an old saying: fortune favors the bold.” – Captain Benjamin Sisko

“I’m a doctor, not a botanist.” – Dr. Julian Bashir

“If only there were some way we could resell the same old stills and promo shots to our dwindling fan base.” – Whoever is in charge of Star Trek now

And, hold on a second…one of the featured quotes is a character quoting someone else?

p. 441 – Countdown: Jimmy Olsen t-shirt:

Normally, I’m not a big fan of the insular fannish t-shirt, but “JIMMY OLSEN MUST DIE” is enough of a bizarre non sequitur that it would probably amuse folks who have no idea what Countdown is, or even only know Olsen from his various video incarnations. (“Hey, why does Jimmy Olsen have red hair and freckles? He doesn’t look like that in the movies!”)

p. 447 – Caution: Reanimated Corpse t-shirt:

I’ve encountered too many comic book store and game store clerks for whom this shirt would simply be redundant.

p. 463 – A Charlie Brown Christmas Plush Puppets:

“…These replicas of your favorite characters from the animated classic cartoon dance like puppets when you bush [sic] the button in their bases.”

And yes, the puppets include the world’s saddest Christmas tree. Or, as it is officially known, and indicated on the puppet’s base: “Pathetic Tree.” Fantastic.

And I suppose there’s a joke somewhere in the catalog’s typo of “bush” for “push,” and the presence of the Pathetic Tree, but I’ll let you smart folks make up your own.

p. 486 – She-Dragon Variant Statue:

Remember what I said, at the end of the previous End of Civilization post, about how the neighbors would most likely react to seeing that Marvel Zombies statue?

Yeah, that goes for the topless green mohawked woman, too.

p. 524 – Playing Card Throwing Stars:

Since these are under the category of “Fantasy Cutlery,” I’m assuming that those are indeed sharp, bladed edges on those “playing cards.” Just what you need to give your Gambit costume that final, fatal touch.

p. 528 – Snakes on a Plane Talking Pens:

Why, hello, several months ago! Too bad you weren’t offered to us then, when they might have sold!

But, then again, they do feature the voice of Samuel L. Jackson, which, as entertainment features go, is reasonably timeless. Oh, what to do, what to do….

p. 528 – Star Wars Super Deformed Plushies:

Okay, first…isn’t Yoda already “super-deformed?” And second…I think that Darth Vader doll is giving us a preview of the inevitable “Star Wars Babies” license that pal Dorian warned us all about long ago. And, um, should Space Hitler really look all that cute and huggable?

p. 538 – Transformers Monopoly:

I hate this. No reason, it’s completely irrational of me, but I hate this item. I hate that it even exists. I hate that someone even thought to combine these two things into this unholy amalgam.

Well, here, let me give it a chance and at least look at the product description:

“Transformers Monopoly is the first and only game that allows you to buy, sell, and trade the planets, bases, locations, and transports in the race for Energon Cubes and Anti-Matter in order to own and control the Transformers universe!”

Hmmm…nope, I still hate it. Sorry, Transformers and/or Monopoly fans…I’m just going to have to be unreasonable about this.

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