I contain multitudes.

§ July 26th, 2005 § Filed under retailing Comments Off on I contain multitudes.

COMIC SHOP CUSTOMER TYPE: The Narrow-It-Downer

“So, I’m looking for a comic I had a while back. It may have been published in the ’50s or ’60s, or maybe the early ’70s. I think Superman was in it, or maybe Spider-Man. Anyway, they were fighting some guys in costumes. Oh, and the cover was like a reddish-blue or orange color. Do you have that issue?”

COMIC SHOP CLERK TYPE: The Bummer

“Yeah, it’s too bad about the comics industry. I’m sure it’ll all be gone within a couple years. Nobody’s buying any of this new stuff, everybody complains about every new book, nothing’s as good as it used to be, sales are in the dumps, creators are leaving the industry in droves, paper prices are skyrocketing, and we all die alone and afraid.

“Thanks for shopping.”

COMIC SHOP CUSTOMER TYPE: The Magpie

No sample dialogue…mostly just says “is this free?” repeatedly as he or she grabs everything that even vaguely looks like it’s being offered free of charge. Generally buys nothing.

COMIC SHOP CLERK TYPE: The Reader

(As he’s ringing you up) “Hey, this looks pretty good!” (starts flipping through the comic you’re trying to buy)

COMIC SHOP CUSTOMER TYPE: The Spoiler

(On new comics day, a customer flips through one of the new releases) “Wow, hey, I can’t believe they just killed off Lady Dynamo in the new issue of Super Militia! Right on the last page, too. I never saw that coming!”

(Said to you, before you’ve had a chance to read Super Militia for yourself. Customer may thrust the page in question right into your face, for added effect)

COMIC SHOP CLERK TYPE: The Just-Like-Comic-Book-Guy-on-The-Simpsons Guy

Just read the quotes here and here and here. You’ve met him. Oh yes.

Sample: “But Aquaman, you cannot marry a woman without gills. You’re from two different worlds.”

COMIC SHOP CUSTOMER TYPE: The Unreasonable Mint Hound

Customer: “I’m looking for a copy of Tales from the Uncanny Valley #2. I’ve been looking for that thing for years…I can’t believe just how rare that comic is. I’ve encountered dealers who’ve never even seen an issue of this series. According to my sources, there may only be about 20 to 25 copies of that particular issue left in the world.”

Clerk: “Oh, hey, we have one. It’s in Very Fine Minus for $25.00.”

Customer: “No thanks, I’d rather get one in better condition.”

COMIC SHOP CLERK TYPE: The Giver of Too Much Information

“So, yeah, that was some fight my girlfriend and I had last night. Man, she was really letting me have it, just because she thinks I drink too much. Ah, well, it’s worth a little grief, since she’s good in the sack, know what I mean? Anyway, it all started at a party we were at earlier that day…I just had a couple beers, just to loosen up, and I tripped on a chair and really banged the hell out of my elbow. It’s still all crusty and sore…hey, take a look at that, does that look infected? So that’s when my old lady started giving me sh–

“What? No, sorry kid, we don’t sell Pokemon cards.”

COMIC SHOP CUSTOMER TYPE: The Poseur

“I see comics as the ultimate form of free, personal expression, unfettered by commercial restraints. I prefer comics that strive for this ideal, eshewing cliches in favor of originality. Please, good comic book clerk, lead me to your graphic novels, where I may find artistic beauty in its purest state.”

…And, no matter what he’s shown, he buys Wolverine comics drawn by Sam Keith.

COMIC SHOP CLERK TYPE: The Dick

“Oh, you’re buying that comic? Boy, that one really sucks. The writer on that book really doesn’t know what he’s doing. But, given the character he’s working with, I suppose it’s not entirely his fault. And that artist…has he ever seen an actual human body? Man, I can’t believe anyone actually enjoys that comic.

“Hey, why are you putting it back on the shelf?”

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