Progressive Ruin presents…the End of Civilization.

§ April 2nd, 2018 § Filed under End of Civilization § 5 Comments

THE PAGE ORDER CHANGETH! The April 2018 edition of Diamond Previews has placed all the merchandise on the flip-side of the catalog, with pages numbered with an extra “M” in the corner. Presumably the “M” stands either for “merchandise” or for “Mike, enjoy doing your silly End of Civilization posts now, sucker!” Well, the joke’s on you, friend I’ve made up in my own head, because here I go with yet another installment of that thing what you named in the hypothetical declaration I’ve assigned to you in our imaginary discussion! So let us sally forth through the aforementioned Previews to see what’s coming our way, and be grateful no further changes, such as, say, removing DC’s listings from the main catalog and putting them into their own booklet, will ever be forthcoming:

p. 42 – Buffy the Vampire Slayer Season 12 The Reckoning #1:


Apparently the beginning of the end of Dark Horse’s continuation of the TV show after its tenth and final season…until another publisher comes along with “remember how sad you were when that Buffy comic ended at Season 12? Well here comes Season 13, the continuation of the continuation!”
 
 
p. 61 – Hercules Adventures of the Man-God Archive HC:


Okay, let me sell you on on this book with this single scan:

I’ll be by my phone, awaiting your preorders. (And here’s more evidence, if you aren’t convinced.)
 
 
p. 80 – Hawkman #1:


…Okay, I won’t snark about yet another Hawkman series, because 1) I want a good, new Hawkman series, and 2) it’s not like a new #1 is going to stand out as unusual or anything anymore.
 
 
p. 81 – Justice League #1:


“Guys, c’mon, spread out a little? We’ve got plenty of space up in the sky here.”
 
 
p. 82 – Man of Steel #1:


Beginning the six-issue event series where the rest of the DC Universe tells Superman “okay, good, you’ve got your trunks back, now let’s do something about those cuffs.”
 
 
p. 102 – Damage #6:


“DAMMIT! We’re not reaching that prime Mike Sterling demographic! How can we pull them in? HOW!?”

“Uh, sir, I have a crazy plan that just…might…work.”
 
 
p. 139 – Superman Blue Vol. 1 TP:


Well, I guess we’re right on time for nostalgia now.
 
 
p. 147 – DC Gallery The Joker 1:1 Bust by Rick Baker:


Finally, just the right piece to finish decorating the nursery.
 
 
p. 148 – Doomsday Clock Rorschach and Mime Action Figure 2-Pack:


Okay, look…I’ve been trying to think of a way to get that Seymour action figure into circulation at long last. I thought maybe he could be a bonus figure in the Giant Alien Monster Playset but clearly that would be reserved for the Bernies. A New Frontiersman Playset seems unlikely, so Seymour’s toy debut may yet be a ways away. But I’ll think of something!
 
 
p. 157 – League of Extraordinary Gentlemen The Tempest #1:


Can the League defeat the menace of the Flippers and the Spikers without having to resort to the dreaded final measure of the Superzapper? Or will they need the assistance of the Black Widow, the pilot from Gravitar, and the Space Duelers to overcome the menace?
 
 
p. 252 – Charlie’s Angels #1:


Okay, start the countdown to either the Army of Darkness or Vampirella team-up. …C’mon, y’all know you want it.
 
 
p. 284 – Garfield Homecoming #1:


At long last Garfield is back in the Marvel Universe.
 
 
p. 339 – Barack Panther #1:


 
 
p. 346 – Fathom Primer:


I thought this time-travel movie was confusing before, but now it’s underwater? Sheesh.
 
 
p. 374 – Shit Is Real GN:


Just pointing out this title made it into Previews uncensored. Is this a milestone? I think it’s a milestone.
 
 
p. 455 – Comic Book Implosion:


THE SHOCKING REVELATION: if it weren’t for the DC Implosion, Killer Croc may not have been in the Suicide Squad movie. My reason for saying so is right here. EDIT: Literally woke up in the middle of the night and remembered Slipknot (the Firestorm villain, not the band) which, um, invalidates my Croc assumption, I suppose.
 
 
p. M20 – Legendary Comics Marvel Deadpool 1/2 Scale Resin Bust:


“Look, just don’t display me facing that creepy Joker bust from earlier. He creeps me out.”
 
 
p. M60 – Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire Triwizard Tournament Harry Version A Action Figure with Flash Wand:


So you can cheap out and get the figure that doesn’t have a light-up wand, or for just a few dollars more you get that full-on light-up action. As we learned from that one Iron Man statue a while back, nothin’ says “fine art” like “flashing LEDs.” …Okay, nobody was calling these Harry Potter figures fine art, but come on.
 
 
p. M77 – Sofubi Toy Box 018A Tyrannosaurus Figure:


After pages of “Cat Girl on Knees” and “Here Are Some Panties” figurines with elaborate titles tied in somehow to various anime releases, it’s nice to just have “here’s a Tyrannosaurus Rex figure, for no reason other than it’s a Tyrannosaurus Rex figure…enjoy.”
 
 
p. M94 – Harley Quinn Mad Love Juniors Cosmetic 2-Piece Set:


“Hey kids, want to be like the character in Mad Love who was openly and emotionally manipulated into an unhealthy relationsh–”

“MIKE.”

“Um…enjoy your Harley Quinn goodies, kids!”
 
 
p. M98 – Jurassic World Pez Dispensers:


By all rights, when you pop the heads back there should be a little soundchip that makes a roaring dinosaur sound. But sadly there isn’t, so you’re all on your own to pick up that slack. …Remember, do it every time.
 
 
Marvel Preview p. 104 – Generations TPB:


Ah, a collection of the series that had everyone asking “…how do these fit into Marvel continuity, exactly?” Maybe throwing the “Secret Wars” logo on there may have helped.

5 Responses to “Progressive Ruin presents…the End of Civilization.”

  • Rich Handley says:

    Good god! That Joker statue looks like someone dropped Emperor Palpatine into a vat of acid.

  • fishhedned says:

    I just can’t get past the fact that they put an actual face on Rorschach’s mask.

  • philip says:

    “swump chung” is me trying to say “swamp thing” after too many beers. Also, that “It Begins” panel is begging to be followed by the “then… Korea” panel. I trust someone will make that happen.

  • Turan, Emissary of the Fly World says:

    So…Barack Panther is using his Obamaphone, right?

    I think it is downright cute that the person behind this thinks Trump will actually build a wall. Such a childlike faith…

  • Matt says:

    “Rorschach and Mime” is the last bit I needed for my comics-inspired parody of “Scarborough Fair.”

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