Oh, it’s another one of these, so put on your nice shoes, comb your hair, brush your teeth, wash behind your ears, trim your fingernails, pluck out those stray hairs, put on your worm suit, and follow along in your copy of Previews, July 2011 edition. …Also, I work the room a little blue in this installment, for which I apologize. Clearly violent video games are to blame.
p. 66 – Justice League #1:
Whoa, hey, a new Justice League #1! Well, that’s certainly unexpec…
p. 68 – Aquaman #1:
…Wait, hold on? An Aquaman #1, too? They’re gonna try and make Aquaman stick again, huh? Well, good lu…
p. 73 – Green Arrow #1:
Oh, come on. Didn’t they just restart this series, like, a year ago? Is this like that old Zero Hour event, where they gave every series a #0 issue? Like, this is One Hour or something?
p. 84 – Batman: The Dark Knight #1:
A new #1. For a series that’s had a whole two issues so far. DC’s just screwing with me, isn’t it?
p. 87 – Batwoman #1:
Oh, yeah, right.
p. 119 – The Bible HC:
So I hear DC is rebooting Christianity with this issue, and giving everyone new costumes and powers.
p. 144 – True Blood The French Quarter #2:
“Hey, do you have that photo variant cover?”
“Nah…we were only able to get one for the number of regular covers we ordered and we’ve already sold it.”
“Oh, that’s too bad, that’s the only cover I was interested in.”
“Yeah, I hear that a lot.”
p. 226 – Angry Bird of Prey T-Shirt:
You’d be angry, too, if you had that stickin’ in your rear.
p. 274 – Green Hornet #20
Sure are a lot fewer Green Hornet comics in this catalog. I’m sure the number will pick up again once Seth Rogan starts working on the sequel.
p. 291 – Mangaman HC:
I was kinda working on my own Mangaman character for a while. He was a superhero, with the power of asking retailers for manga by their original Japanese titles instead of the English titles they might actually recognize them by, and then would get upset when he found out there aren’t any volumes past the point of the fan-translations he’s already read online for free.
But clearly that’s crazy. Who would ever believe such a preposterous scenario?
p. 298 – Holy Terror HC:
I’m going to call that “New Frank Miller GN!” blurb the least necessary blurb ever. (And not just because it says “Frank Miller’s” at the top there.)
p. 338 – The Boy Who Loved Batman: A Memoir HC:
I had no idea the Chris Sims autobiography was out already.
p. 338 – The Batman Files Deluxe HC:
“The Batman Files includes in-depth computer files, news articles, crime scene photos, blueprints, schematics, and actual maps of Gotham City that were collected, and in many cases even drawn, by the Caped Crusader himself.”
THE CAPED CARTOGRAPHER. Of course, some kid is going to take that “drawn by Batman himself” thing to heart, and then see whoever the maps are actually credited to in the fine print, and then he’ll be all “oh my God…Eugene Miller is Batman?”
p. 352 – Star Trek Vault: 40 Years from The Archives:
“REVEALED WITHIN: Gene Roddenberry originally pitched Star Trek as, not ‘Wagon Train in space,’ but as The Long, Long Trailer in space,’ with Kirk and Spock stuck in an out-of-control rocket ship traveling across the galaxy, and the two men constantly being tossed about the cabin by the rocket’s erratic movements.”
No, I’m sorry, I’m totally lying. Bet I completely fooled you, though.
p. 352 – Star Wars The Blueprints Deluxe Slipcased Edition:
“Hey, where’d the Death Star plans go?”
p. 372 – Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Raphael Classic Muscle Adult Costume:
What all the store employees shall be wearing.
p. 372 – G.I. Joe Cobra Commander Deluxe Costume:
…And what I shall be wearing.
p. 376 – Star Wars Jawa Costume:
That is one tall damn Jawa.
p. 376 – Star Wars Tauntaun Inflatable Costume:
NOT A SEX TOY.
p. 377 – Star Wars Boba Fett Candy Bowl Holder:
“NO DISINTEGRATIONS. Or popcorn balls. I mean, gross, who likes those things?”
p. 377 – Star Wars Yoda Candy Bowl Holder:
“Stunt your growth too much candy will.”
p. 377 – Star Wars Darth Vader Candy Dish Holder:
“Can someone please help me shove some Twizzlers through my mouth-grate? I’m so, so hungry.”
p. 387 – My First Bacon Talking Plush:
Never too early to start instilling children with those vague half-memories of strange, unexplained things from their infancy.
p. 388 – Doctor Who Fourth Doctor & Sontaran 8-Inch Action Figures:
So nice to see Sebastian Shaw get some work after being unceremoniously replaced by Hayden Christensen at the end of the Return of the Jedi special edition.
p. 391 – Plush Beating Heart:
And once I get my hands on a plush human brain, my plush Frankenstein’s Monster will be alive…ALIIIIIIVE!
p. 392 – The Lego Ideas Book:
First idea: build a Lego version of this book.
p. 402 – The Dukes of Hazzard The Ghost of General Lee 1/25-Scale Model Kit:
“On October 26, 1979, the famous Dukes of Hazzard episode, ‘Ghost of General Lee,’ aired on CBS. It featured Rosco getting scared out of his wits by a glowing General Lee charger, back from the dead- or so he thought!”
I never watched much of this show as a kid…but had I known there was an episode about a dude being scared by the ghost of a car…! You’re not going to see anything this great on your Sons of Anarchys or your The Wires, smart guys.
p. 407 – Red Skull Mini-Bust:
“Well, before we approve this….”
“Does he have to be so…you know, red?”
“Uh, his name’s the Red Skull.”
“That’s another thing…the skull’s a bit much. Can you…flesh him up a bit?”
“He’s the Skull.”
“Oh, oh…sure, he’d still have a skull, you know, under his skin. His more pinkish skin.”
p. 410 – Star Wars The Clone Wars – Savage Oppress Statue:
“Okay, before we start printing up the boxes for this thing, we’re going to need the character’s actual name to replace this placeholder name you sent us.”
“Yeah…this ‘Savage Oppress.’ We need to replace that on the packaging with the real name.”
“Um, that is the real name.”
p. 422 – Halloween Necklace Prosthetics:
AND NOW, THE WORST JOKE I HAVE EVER WRITTEN:
I think there’s a white-colored version in the Adult Previews.
THANK YOU FOR READING PROGRESSIVE RUIN. WE’LL MISS HAVING YOU AROUND.
p. 424 – Zombie Costume Tee White T-Shirt:
At the shop, in the near future:
ME: “Hey, you’re wearing one of those novelty Zombie t-shirts!”
DUDE: “A novelty what?”
ME: “Um…nothing. Didn’t say anything.”
p. 430 – Green Lantern Spinning Ring:
Meanwhile, Myrwhydden constantly has motion sickness.
p. 432 – The Exorcist Regan Lenticular Mirror:
When I was but a wee Mikester, I had as a toy a Charlie McCarthy ventriloquist dummy. No, I’m not 70 years old, wise guy…they’re still marketing these things. Anyway, there were times when I was terrified of it…I’d seen the movies and TV shows, I knew ventriloquist dummies were just sitting there waiting for the right moment to strike and strangle a kid. But there it would sit, in my room, and, late at night, I just knew it was going to get up off that chair or clamber out of the toybox and get me.
I would still rather have that ventriloquist doll than this Regan mirror thing lookin’ at me from a wall.
p. 447 – Operation Star Wars R2-D2 Edition:
So that’s what happened to all of Artoo’s gadgets between the Prequel trilogy and the Original Trilogy…you pulled those out of him! How can you people live with yourselves?
p. 449 – Munchkin Axe Cop:
I do not envy the gamemakers’ task in constraining this comic to a set series of rules.
Marvel Previews p. 92 – Avengers: West Coast Avengers – Sins of the Past Premiere HC:
So that’s the cover you really want to go with. Here, let me recommend a slightly less creepy image: