Welcome, everyone, to the ONE BILLIONTH entry in the End of Civilization series! …Well, okay, I rounded up slightly, but boy howdy, I have been doing these a while. Anyway, here we go again…grab your copy of Diamond Previews, July 2010 edition, or download your space-age digital copy to your iDroid/ApplePad3000 thingie, and let’s go! (Also, I cut the thalidomide joke…consider yourself lucky.)
p. 135 – Batman Arkham Asylum Series 2 Action Figures:
Oh, sure, I really want this staring back at me:
Though looking at the figures, here…they’re basically making Batman and Robin movie figures, aren’t they?
p. 152 – Star Trek Captain’s Log: Pike One-Shot:
I really hope this is just a single shot of Pike in his chair staring at you, repeated for 23 pages. Maybe the light on the front of his space-wheelchair can be lit or unlit on different pages.
p. 193 – Spawn #207:
Just a reminder that the Spawn comic is still hangin’ in there. Yeah, I’m amazed, too.
p. 210 – Marvel Minimates Series 37 Mini-Figure 2-Packs:
Okay, the six-armed Spider-Man Minimate is an abomination before God and nature:
…but Incognito Thing is ten kinds of awesome:
p. 222 – Duncan the Wonder Dog Volume 1: Show One:
I think Rex the Wonder Dog might have a word or two about this:
p. 232 – Archie Marries… Slipcased HC:
Hey, remember that one time everyone thought something was going to happen in Archie and it turned out it really didn’t? Here’s your chance to remember it forever!
p. 350 – DC Comics Year by Year A Visual Chronicle HC (with Slipcase):
1934 – 1970: Nothing much of importance happens.
1971: Swamp Thing introduced.
p. 350 – The DC Comics Superhero Collection Magazine:
“Hey! Hey, you, DC Comics! Stop getting rid of all your non-white characters!”
“Whoa whoa whoa, don’t blame me, man! Some of my best friends come from the interdimensional island of Marzal!”
p. 352 – Final Crisis The Novel:
Phew! At last, a clear, plain novelization of Grant Morrison’s epic mini-series which will explain everything, since apparently “powerful beings invade the Earth and cause mayhem” is a plot of nigh-Joycean proportions.
p. 354 – Stan Lee’s How to Draw Comics Limited Edition HC:
“Face front, true believers! I can’t draw a straight line with a ruler and a straight-line drawing machine, which is why I hired artists to draw my comics! If you can’t draw, you should hire artists, too! Excelsior!”
p. 354 – Disneystrology HC:
“Disneystrology combines astrology, numerology, and the magic of movies to help readers understand their own personalities.”
How can so much hard science be contained in only 48 pages?
p. 358 – The Snuggie Sutra TP:
“POSITION 32: Just take the damned thing off. I mean, c’mon, seriously, what’re you thinking?”
p. 361 – Reefer Movie Madness: The Ultimate Stoner Film Guide SC:
“WARNING: Readers may be really, really hungry after reading this book.”
p. 364 – Star Wars Millennium Falcon 3-D Owner’s Guide HC:
“Includes technical notes from Han Solo….”
I don’t know that Han Solo would be all that big on “technical notes.” “If it doesn’t work, hit it with your space-wrench. Or get your Wookiee pal to fix it.”
p. 374 – The Demon T-Shirt:
Will delight 1 out of 20 people you encounter who are also Jack Kirby fans. The other 19 will simply assume you worship Satan.
p. 381 – Nightmare on Elm Street Freddy Deluxe Sweater:
Okay, they’re just selling the sweater in this particular solicitation, but they could have tried a little harder on the actual mask. Looks like a background alien from Babylon 5.
p. 383 – Alice in Wonderland Mad Hatter Prestige Costume:
Man, what the hell happened to Carrottop?
p. 400 – Living Dead Dolls Presents Freddy Kreuger Classic 10-Inch Figure:
Oh, c’mon, how many victims is he realistically going to slash to death with those wee little nubbins of arms?
p. 407 – Star Wars Flying Millennium Falcon R/C Vehicle:
At first glance, as I was skimming the catalog, I thought this was some kind of hat, or visor. I’d bet Employee Aaron’s salary that such a thing actually does exist.
p. 407 – Toy Story 3 Mr. Potato Head as Buzz Lightyear:
“OH MY GOD he’s killed and skinned Buzz and he’s (choke) wearing him!”
p. 411 – Return to Wonderland Alice Statue:
“Why, you sneaky little phallic symbol, coming up behind me like that, you rascal!”
p. 431 – Toy Story Kubricks:
Why, these are kind of cute and neat-looking…nice translations of the screen characters in Kubrick form. …Hmm, and what’s this….
p. 431 – Toy Story 3 Buzz & Woody Be@rbrick:
oh no why would anyone do this
p. 435 – Farts in a Can Sound F/X Toy:
AND NOW WHY MIKE IS NOT INVITED TO PARTIES:
“Ha ha! Mike, you scamp, you have one of those Farts in a Can toys, don’t you?”
“A what in a can?”
p. 437 – Cthulhu Plush Cell Phone Holder:
“Hello? Hello? Are the stars right now?”
p. 437 – Zombie Fragrance Oil:
“For a zombie in a state of decay, they need Zombie Fragrance Oil. Liberally apply this scent, and combat that lingering odor of decay to entire the comely young undead thing that has caught your fancy.”
I don’t even know where to start on this.
p. 439 – Superman Returns Desk Clock/Paperweight:
Wow, somebody still has some old Superman Returns stock left over.
p. 441 – Zodiac Smurf Figures:
JOKE #1: Newspaper Editor Smurf keeps getting letters from an anonymous suspect who claims “I’m going to smurf again!”
JOKE #2: James Randi Smurf has totally debunked this astrosmurfology nonsense. These Smurfs should be ashamed of themselves.
p. 453 – Back to the Future The Card Game:
“Oh, man…I drew the ‘Your Mom Hits on You’ card. I’m feeling very uncomfortable.”
p. 458 – DC Heroclix Jonah Hex Battle Pack:
Made from recycled Jonah Hex movie filmstock!
Marvel Previews p. 77 – Wolverine #1:
Well, yes, I guess…but if you need more Wolverine-style action, there’s the Wolverine: The Road to Hell one-shot, the new Daken: Dark Wolverine ongoing series, the ongoing X-23 spin-off character, there’s Wolverine’s appearance in X-Force, and he’s prominently featured in the Avengers: The Children’s Crusade ad, and there he is as the feature character in New Avengers #4, and oh, look, there he is in Spider-Man/Fantastic Four #3, and Astonishing X-Men #4, oh, and Astonishing Spider-Man and Wolverine #1 Director’s Cut, and there’s his origin in Origins of Marvel Comics: X-Men #1, and I can see him there in X-Men #3, and there’s a little tiny pic of him on the cover of X-Men: Curse of the Mutants – X-Men Vs. Vampires #1, and he might be in Avengers #5 or some of the other X-titles, but I’m not seeing him in the ads, but you know, maybe, if we’re lucky, Wolvie might in those titles, too. So thank goodness, we’ll hopefully have sufficient Wolverine content in the months to come!
Marvel Previews p. 88 – Kick-Ass 2: Balls to the Wall #1:
Available in August…and then sporadically thereafter!