Progressive Ruin presents…the End of Civilization.

§ December 2nd, 2016 § Filed under End of Civilization § 15 Comments

The votes have been tallied, and the majority of eligible voters have decided that they don’t want to see a new End of Civilization post. Thus, here is a new End of Civilization post, so pull out your copy of the December 2016 Previews and follow along! C’mon, just give me a chance:

p. 36 – The Visitor How and Why He Stayed #1:

So this, the other Mignolaverse books, the new Hellboy graphic novel…that Mike Mignola guy should take more years off from making comics if they’re going to increase his output that much!
p. 51 – Slayer Relentless #2:

For some reason I had it in my mind that this was a Stryper comic from Dark Horse and that we’d eventually get the Stryper/Hellboy: To Hell with The Devil crossover book. Anyway, don’t tell the guys in Slayer I thought they were Stryper.
p.52 – Soupy Leaves Home TP:

In case you’re wondering how old I am, I’m exactly “I Immediately Thought This Was About Soupy Sales” years old. White Fang and Black Tooth, sadly waving their paws as Soupy Sales walks off into the indeterminate distance.
p. 110 – Batman ’66 Meets Wonder Woman ’77 #2:

So for the next series, let’s throw Superman ’78 into the mix. Or Superman ’52. Either/or. Or both, what the heck. And maybe Superman ’48, too. You can never have too many Supermen.
p. 121 – Direct Currents #2:

Finally, DC Comics has the rights to the greatest Zucker, Abrahams and Zucker film. (No, not Ruthless People, though that was pretty good, too.)
p. 177 – Vintage Romance Comic Book Covers Coloring Book:

“So what’s the best color for ‘silently pining over the handsomest boy in the school?” “I don’t know, is it the same color as ‘Repeating the Joke from the Serenity Coloring Book Entry?'”
p. 180 – Star Wars Newspaper Comics Vol. 1:

“Man oh man, Darth Vader sure hates Mondays! He’s hilarious!”
p. 263 – The Pink Panther Super Pink Special:

So I was totally ready to make a “that guy Pink’s carrying is totally naked, isn’t he?” joke, but apparently that seems to be a thing. And yes, the character’s name does appear to be “The White Man.” What can I tell you.
p. 269 – Doctor Stranger Things T-Shirt:

These things just sort of autogenerate out of the frothing loam of the internet, don’t they? Can loam even froth? I bet on the internet it can.
p. 280 – Fathom #1:

Remember when I used to make jokes about all the #1s Fathom and other Aspen books seemed to have, back when that was an unusual thing?
p. 294 – Planet of the Apes/Green Lantern #1:

So of course this means the Great Grape Ape is one of the Violet “Love” Lanterns:

I mean, that’s close enough, right? Besides, look what he’s doing to that van.
p. 333 – James Bond Felix Leiter #2:

So where’s our “Jaws” comic? Or “Eve Moneypenny, Secretary Spy?” Or the “Dr. Christmas Jones” comic, which might have to be an annual since people would assume it could only co[REST OF ENTRY REDACTED]
p. 356 – The Overstreet Guide to Cosplay:

Finally, I can find out what that guy dressed as Desert Storm Wolverine is worth in mint condition!
p. 357 – Deepak Chopra’s Beyond #1:

In case any of the writers get stuck for ideas, this website is like the Brian Eno’s Oblique Strategies of Deepak-isms.
p. 364 – Disney-Pixar Cars #2:

The exciting fun-filled stories leading up to Lightning McQueen’s horrifying death or maiming!
p. 365 – Disney-Pixar Toy Story #3:

When I first saw this out of the corner of my eye while flipping through Previews, I thought it read “Harvey Pekar’s Toy Story,” and what I wouldn’t give to see that. “Ah c’mon man, toys can’t talk, get real.” Also, I hope that remains the cover image.
p. 383 – The Smurfs The Village Behind the Wall GN:

I can’t believe Donald Smurf actually went through with it and put up that wall. You just know the Smurfs are the ones who are going to end up Smurfing for it.
p. 430 – Fukufuku Kitten Tales Volume 2 GN:

I can see absolutely no possibility of children finding inappropriate humor from the title of this book.
p. 448 – The Ages of the Justice League SC:

Well, Superman is 29, and Batman is 29, and Wonder Woman is…well, she’s supposed to be a lot older, right? Anyway, you shouldn’t ask her…it’s rude.
p. 516 – Hellraiser Pinhead Life-Size Bust:

I’ve probably gone to the “what would Grandma say?” well a few too many times about items like this, but, honestly, What Would Grandma Say? And I mean, like, Traditional Grandmas, from Norman Rockwell paintings, not Cool Rock ‘n’ Roll Grannies like I’m sure I’m going to hear about.
p. 517 – One-12 Collective Marvel Red Skull Action Figure:

Well, this should be a popular figure.
p. 598 – Pokemon Kanto Monopoly:

Do not pass Lavender Town, do not collect, um, Haunters, I guess? Look, I’m Wiki-ing up all this, I don’t know.
Marvel Previews p. 103 – Marvel Retro Cloth Punisher Action Figure Gift Set:

WHAT PUNISHER LOOKS LIKE IN THE COMICS: [huge and terrifying heavily muscled guy]

Marvel Previews p. 133 – Devil Dinosaur by Jack Kirby Poster:


People used to make fun of Devil Dinosaur way back when, and now here’s a poster you can buy. Good ol’ Kirby, he knew what was up even when we didn’t.

15 Responses to “Progressive Ruin presents…the End of Civilization.”

  • Rich Handley says:

    You missed one–a certain book in which you’re name-checked. :)

  • Count me in as ANOTHER who immediately thought “Wow, who’s putting out a Soupy Sales book?”

    And how is that DOCTOR STRANGER THINGS shirt officially licensed? It SURE didn’t take anyone long to begin taking advantage of that Disney / Netflix deal.

    Anyway, excellent installment, Mike!

  • Simon says:

    – “p. 36 – The Visitor How and Why He Stayed”

    Is he holding a shiny iPhone or a burning Samsung?

    – “p. 110 – Batman ’66 Meets Wonder Woman ’77 #2”

    Lookit that dominatrix, making them wear humiliating costumes!

    – “p. 177 – Vintage Romance Comic Book Covers Coloring Book”

    Just don rose-tinted glasses and voila!

    – “p. 263 – The Pink Panther Super Pink Special”

    Humpty-Dumpty has grown a mustache?

    – “p. 333 – James Bond Felix Leiter #2”

    Which one is Bond and which one is Felix??

    – “p. 356 – The Overstreet Guide to Cosplay”

    Let’s splay together!

    – “p. 365 – Disney-Pixar Toy Story #3”

    BOX OFFICE POISON crossover?

    – “p. 383 – The Smurfs The Village Behind the Wall”

    Enema time!

    – “p. 516 – Hellraiser Pinhead Life-Size Bust”

    Daddy has the coolest Halloween cosplay EVER!

    – “p. 517 – One-12 Collective Marvel Red Skull Action Figure”

    I thot it was another HELLRAISER figure, I did, I did!

    – “Marvel Previews p. 103 – Marvel Retro Cloth Punisher Action Figure”

    Who knew Harvey Pekar cosplayed as Punisher?

    – “Marvel Previews p. 133 – Devil Dinosaur by Jack Kirby Poster”

    Who knew Harvey Pekar cosplayed as a red lizard?

  • Thelonious_Nick says:


    Good Lord, this is what we get when we leave nerdery to non-nerds. Real geeks are holding out for that Doctor Strange in a Strange Land t-shirt.

    “The Smurfs The Village Behind the Wall”

    That was a pretty good movie. Spoiler warning: Outside the wall around the village it’s the modern world.

  • Chris T says:

    @Simon: I thought it was Quentin Tarantino, but I’ll take a Harvey Pekar.

  • MrJM says:

    “Good ol’ Kirby, he knew what was up even when we didn’t.”


    — MrJM

  • chasdom says:

    Wait, Stryper and Slayer AREN’T the same band?!

    Wow, this is almost as devastating as when I realized that Richard Chamberlain and Richard Benjamin are not the same actor!

  • Andrew says:

    Our current Superman is either a refugee from the Post-Crisis Earth or a reality close enough that it might as well be. Various slightly incompatible origin stories by Byrne, Waid/Yu, and Johns/Frank, and all that.

    The same Superman whose best friend and classmate Pete Ross was Lex Luthor’s vice president, and would therefore have to be 39 once Ross finishes the term. Then comes One Year Later, and now we’ve got 10-year-old Jon Kent running around.

    Superman’s at least 50.

  • Josh says:

    You only have to be 35 to be president.

  • Andrew says:

    Right. So Pete (and therefore Clark) was 35 at the start of President Luthor’s term. 39 once President Ross finished up the term. “One Year Later” makes that 40, and ten-year-old Jon wasn’t born yet at that point. Ergo, 50.

  • Mikester says:

    Honestly, I just said “29” because that’s how old Superman and Batman were supposed to be when I was reading them as a kid decades back.

  • Rob March says:

    I strongly encourage you to not do a Google search on “frothing loam”. This has been your PSA for Monday.

  • Andrew says:

    Don’t get me wrong. I am firmly in the camp that says most mainstream heroes should be portrayed in their mid-to-late-twenties, with the occasional exception made for the elder statesman or young upstart. It’s just that once I did the math in my head I needed a place to share it.

  • Turan, Emissary of the Fly World says:

    Something compels me to point out that, in the second (SECOND!) Bond novel, Felix Leiter is fed to a shark. He does eventually return to the series, but he is missing a leg and a hand, and he takes a mostly advisory role. In other words, if your intention is to present tales of Leiter as an able-bodied, globetrotting trouble shooter, your window of opportunity is pretty small.

  • Turan, Emissary of the Fly World says:

    Oh, and to back Mr. Sterling up: Back in the early 1970s, DC ran a one-page piece in all of its comics for a few months, explaining that Superman always was and always would be 29 years old. I do not recall there being a definitive statement that Batman was the same age, but this was certainly implied by a story in which Superboy met a teenaged Bruce Wayne (the same logic also makes them the same age as Aquaman and Green Arrow).