Progressive Ruin presents, at long last…the End of Civilization.
So…nice civilization you’ve got here. Shame if something…happened to it. Say, why don’t you follow along with me in your March 2016 edition of Diamond Previews before something…unfortunate should occur:
p. 76 – Snoopy Qee Mystery Box Series:
Revealed at last: the hideous results of the unspeakable experiments at the Daisy Hill Puppy Farm.
p. 80 – Scooby Apocalypse #1:
Sure, you’re all makin’ fun of this now, but once Scrappy-Doo is revealed as the leader of Bartertown, you’ll all come crawling back.
p. 152 – Wonder Woman Action Figure 3-Pack:
You’re gonna do a three-pack of Wonder Woman figures and you don’t do the classic Wonder Tot/Wonder Girl/Wonder Woman team-up?
I don’t even know, DC…I don’t even know.
p. 422 – Batman Facts and Stats from the Classic TV Show HC:
Looking forward to the comparison chart showing “Number of Heart Palpitations Caused by Reminding Batman Fans of This TV Show Prior to, Say, The Year 2000 VERSUS After About That Point.”
p. 451 – Scumbag Loser Omnibus GN:
You know, at this rate I’m not going to have any potential titles left for my eventual autobiography.
p. 460 – 100 Things Superman Fans Should Know & Do Before They Die:
Here’s hoping “actually read a Superman comic” is somewhere in there.
p. 463 – Superman Classic: Pranking News SC:
I’d almost forgotten about the Mxyzptlk New 52 redesign. “Fievel Goes to the Fifth Dimension,” I guess.
p. 464 – Doctor Who Mad Libs:
“It’s [ADJECTIVE] on the [LOCATION]!” “Quickly, [VERB] the [NOUN] of the neutron [NOUN]!” “Oh for [DEITY]’s sake, not [NAME OF COMPANION] again.”
p. 468 – Star Trek What Would Captain Kirk Do? SC:
Wait? “What would Captain Kirk do?” Find out exactly what he did by reading this book solicited on page 422 of this very issue of Previews!
p. 479 – Team Cap T-Shirt:
I think we can all admit now that we really wanted Bella to hook up with Captain America and not that vampire or werewolf or whatever.
p. 494 – Marvel Minimates Series 67 Civil War 2-Packs Asst.:
I see Cap and Iron Man already have the pre-distressed “accidentally left in the sandbox and then dug up a couple of years later” look to them. Why, in my day, we had to do that the hard way. You kids today have got it too easy.
p. 508 – Batman V Superman Super Deformed Plushies:
“DO YOU BWEED”
p. 521 – Pixel The Matrix 4-Pack:
At last, the perfect ice-breaker for conversations with your teenage relatives, which will usually start with them asking “…What are those? Is that based on some old movie or video game or something?” before they wander off playing with some new tech something-or-other you don’t understand and you feel that creak in your bones, surely that creak’s not getting stronger and anyway ha ha I’m just kidding, but seriously, death comes for us all. …Thanks for shopping.
p. 526 – Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Raphael 1/6-Scale Collectible Figure:
Oh, it’s his tail.
p. 532 – Dragonball Super Sculture Spirit Bomb Figures:
OVER 9000 ROOFS RAISED
Hooray! This is fantastic to see. I’m laughing/sad crying at the Matrix bit. So very funny and so painfully true. Hope all is well. :)
If you look at the expressions of those Matrix figures from left to right, you can see the dawning dissatisfaction of self-awareness. “They made me into a what now?”
What, no Wonder Woman with pants action figure? Or did they paint the pants skin tone at the last minute?
You know, if the letters of “Star Trek” were bigger and “What Would Captain Kirk Do?” smaller, that would look very much like a 1960s Gold Key cover.
Regarding today’s teens & The Matrix:
My wife’s a teacher, and once she made sit through a play written by her school’s drama teacher, a series of vignettes of high school life, as written by a 40 year old man.
It was painfully apparent during a brief skit parodying The Matrix that not a single one of those high school students had a clue what it was about.
YAY! So glad to see this back! “Oh, it’s his tail.” had me dying.
I was speaking to a professor who teaches graphic novels who spoke about how important it was for him to remain current with popular culture: “Because when I’d use an illustration from the Matrix I’d be met with blank stares. None of them have seen the Matrix.”
I don’t know, I think I’m willing to let the Matrix go.
More disappointing to me was my kids’ utter disinterest in watching the Neverending Story. (Aaah-aah-aah-ah-aah)
They do really like Labyrinth and the Dark Crystal, though.
Great to see the return of “End of Civilization!”
“Oh, it’s his tail.” You kill me.
Jerry
Oh man, what if Bella DID hook up with Captain America? And then she’s all, “I’m so glad I ended up with you, Steve, and not someone who occasionally turns into a werewolf?”
And then they have the awkward “Capwolf” conversation…
> p. 152 – Wonder Woman Action Figure 3-Pack
Why does the New 52 version looks like a male cosplayer?
> p. 460 – 100 Things Superman Fans Should Know & Do Before They Die
A special edition of THE JOY OF SEX?
> the Myxzptlk New 52 redesign
Did that include redesigning the -xyz- of Mxyzptlk?
> p. 464 – Doctor Who Mad Libs
Who did that repaint job on R2-D2?
> p. 468 – Star Trek What Would Captain Kirk Do?
He’d set his phaser on “Burn”?
> p. 508 – Batman V Superman Super Deformed Plushies
Why does Batman look like his creepy version in Josh Simmons’s “Mark of the Bat”?
> p. 521 – Pixel The Matrix 4-Pack
Why is the robotic Agent Smith looking the more emotional?
> p. 526 – Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Raphael
“I… I can’t keep it! It’s turtle-ing!”
” the Mxyzptlk New 52 redesign”
He looks like a creepy Elf!