Progressive Ruin presents…the End of Civilization.
What? Time for one of these again? Say it ain’t so…but it is! It is! The End of Civilization waits for no man, and we can see what’s barreling right down the tracks at us by getting our your copy of the August 2015 Diamond Previews and following along! I apologize ahead of time for my overlooking such things as “publishing lead times” for the sake of a joke, as well as any tummy upset that may occur during, um, a couple of the entries:
p. 78 – Superman Lois & Clark #1:
Hey, finally we get a spin-off from the Convergence event, and…huh, it’s not based on the Shazam! comic that everyone was excited about. That’s funny, you’d think you’d want to build on that buzz, but, well, this will probably be good, too.
p. 79 – Telos #1:
Oh, okay, here’s a Convergence spin-off featuring…um, I don’t see the Shazam! characters anywhere. That’s strange.
p. 80 – Titans Hunt #1:
Ah, here we go, Captain Marvel’s probably in there some…where…there’s Batman, and Starfire, and…huh.
p. 144-5 -Batman V Superman Dawn of Justice Batman and Superman Statues:
“TELL ME…DO YOU BLEED?”
“No, but I have this support bar that makes me look like I’m flying! You should try yours…oh, you don’t have one? So sad!”
p. 324 – Grumpy Cat #1:
“We must prevent Grumpy Cat and Hello Kitty from ever touching…or the resultant matter/anti-matter explosion will destroy the universe!”
Anyway, just working on my pitch for the eventual team-up book. Don’t none of you bastards steal my idea.
p. 408 – The Comic Story of Beer GN:
Missed opportunity to have a special “water ring damaged” variant.
p. 423 – Dreamworks Classics Digest Vol. 2:
Alas, not a “team-up” book where Po just beats the tar out of Shrek. Someday, my friends…someday.
p. 467 – Make Comics Like the Pros SC:
Presumably includes a special chapter on how to deal with a bunch of ungrateful online jerks who don’t appreciate your hard work and mock you in, say, website posts.
p. 468 – 1001 Movies You Must See Before You Die HC and 1001 TV Shows You Must Watch Before You Die HC:
“Ah HA! If I never watch the 1001st movie or TV show, I will never die!”
“But Mike, the 1001st movie is Frank Miller’s The Spirit II and the 1001st TV show is an unaired episode of Doctor Doctor!”
“Well…who wants to live forever? DIIIIVE”
p. 473 – The Walking Dead The Pop-Up Book HC:
You remember those Al Jaffee drawings from Mad where a character vomits, and there’s just this huge massive jet emitting from the poor character’s mouth, filled with, like, bones and stuff? I sorta picture the same jet of bones ‘n’ junk shooting out of this book when you open it.
p. 521 – Star Wars Kitchen Storage Set:
Nobody enjoys Droid Constipation Repair duty.
p. 525 – Star Wars Jedi Hooded Robe:
That is one tall Jawa…
p. 525 – Star Wars Chewbacca Fleece Robe:
…and here he is in his Wookiee cosplay. “Uti-GRAWRG!”
Marvel Previews p. 42 – What If? Infinity – Thanos #1:
The origin of Thanos’s villainy, revealed at last: everybody laughed at his convention costumes. Captain America, Sub-Mariner, Cloud…nobody appreciated his work.
…Now you’re probably picturing Thanos in Namor’s little green Speedos. You’re welcome.
A Cloud reference.
You get me. You really get me.
Make that two for the Cloud reference.
ALL I could see was Thanos with his naughty-bits obscured by a tiny wisps of vapor.
(…and then as a girl. Damn you, that’s disturbing.)
“That is one tall Jawa…”
But wouldn’t the appropriate joke be “Aren’t you a little TALL to be a Jawa?” in a non-plussed Princess Leia voice?
I’m thinking maybe DreamWorks is testing the limits of the definition of “classic.”
Wow, I thought I was the only “Doctor, Doctor” fan! (I still have whole series on VHS tape somewhere.)
Telos #1 – A new series starring that character you don’t know from that event comic you didn’t read!
Here lies the Forgotten Titan – Shazam.
“The Walking Dead The Pop-Up Book”
flying Zombie parts, here we go!
“Here lies the Forgotten Titan – Shazam”
no- Aqualad!
I know I’d LIKE to forget him!
Getting 3 issues of “traditional” Shazam comics in the span of a single year was amazing. I want more, of course, and from the Parker/Shaner/Bellaire team especially, but in the meantime I at least appreciate what we got for the miracles that they were.