Progressive Ruin presents…the End of Civilization.

§ December 8th, 2014 § Filed under End of Civilization § 11 Comments

Okay, it’s been a while since I’ve fully performed my civic duty of gazing into the mists of the future and divining what terrors await us all. Now that my store is open, however, and surely everything there will run perfectly smoothly with no unexpected problems cropping up ever at any time, I can finally turn my full attention to warning you…yes, you…of the future that’s coming. Grab your copy of Diamond Previews, the December 2014 edition, and follow along, and also try to guess what joke I totally had to Google-research:

p. 82 – Justice League Dark #39:


Ah, DC’s doing some Marvel-style “killing the goose to get the golden eggs” this month by slapping Harley Quinn on all the variant covers, which may burn out interest in the character once and for all. That said…this Scooby-Doo inspired variant for Justice League Dark makes me want an issue of Scooby-Doo Team-Up with Swamp Thing, or even better, someone editing together Scooby cartoons with the Swampy cartoon from the ’90s so we can finally get that scene with Shaggy and Scooby and Swamp Thing chasing each other in and out of an endless hallway of doors while some generic rock-pop song plays in the background.

p. 144 – DC Comics The Justice League Starter Poker Set:


Speaking of Swamp Thing, that looks like him on one of the cards, there, which could lead to some problems: “Hey, Mike’s smiling again…he must have the Ace of Clubs.”

p. 255 – Say My Name T-Shirt:


Sure is nice of Warner Brothers to let Antarctic release a straight-up Shazam! t-shirt.

p. 299 – Lady Death Fetishes Special Deluxe Collector Box Set:

“A 10th anniversary special […] a complete set of first printing copies of all the covers of the Lady Death Fetishes Special! The amazing Deluxe Collector Box set features all 13 of the original covers: Regular, Angelic, Devil Girl, Latex, Lace, Leather, Mistress, Pixies, Art Nouveau, Dressing, Hellish Angel, Cyberbabe, and Bad Girl, and the original Platinum Foil and Gold Foil Editions! Plus, to top it off, a previously unreleased Ruby Red Foil Edition, only available with this set!”

On one hand, I want to make a joke like “paying the $119 retail for this set is practically a fetish for someone right there,” and on the other, I now have ideas for a series of themed ads for my store. “What costume is Mike wearing this w…OH GOD IT’S THE DEVIL GIRL COSTUME”

p. 411 – American Boobs HC:


Comics, everyone!

p. 412 – Exploring Calvin and Hobbes SC:


At last, an in-depth examination of the prehistory for the modern art form of the peeing/praying/possibly both Car Window Kid stickers.

p. 413 – Secret Wars Audio CD:


Imagine my disappointment to discover this was an audio story, and not, say, 12 tracks of rockin’ hits based on the comic books. No “Spidey With The Black Suit On,” no “Hulk Under Pressure,” no “When A Molecule Man Loves A Woman.” Nertz to that.

p. 443 – Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Boxers:


One of the ways you can tell the Turtles apart is by the kind of instruments they’re holding.

p. 448 – Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back Monopoly Game:


Do not pass GO, do not snooch to the n — no…no, I’m sorry, I can’t do it.

p. 449 – Jay and Silent Bob Super Groovy Cartoon Movie Ceramic Mug:


The old gods need to reinvent themselves on occasion to keep themselves relevant. ALL HAIL THE NEW JANUS

p. 454 – Godzilla 2000 Sculpted Pizza Cutter:


Coming soon: the Godzuki Hot Pocket slicer.

p. 459 – Smurfs Monochrome 8-Inch Vinyl Figures:


“Ebon-Smurf and Ivor-Smurf smurf together in smurfy harmony

Side by side on my piano smurfboard, oh Papa Smurf why don’t we?”

p. 464 – Game of Thrones Collectable Dragon Egg Box:


I never thought Diamond would start carrying novelty golf balls, but here we are.

p. 494 – Tamashii Effect Explosion:


“Mom, this popcorn tastes funny.”

“NO, MY KUUJINMARU MACHINE HERO WATARU DIORAMA, RUINED!”

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