Progressive Ruin presents…the End of Civilization.

§ June 26th, 2014 § Filed under End of Civilization § 5 Comments

Once again the end is nigh, and let us go together through this prophetic tome of doom (AKA Diamond Previews July 2014 edition) and see what awaits. Note: contains one local reference for punk rock fans or close readers of Love and Rockets, and a couple of links to YouTube files, at least one of which should not be clicked on in the presence of loved ones, the family pastor, or sensitive rodents. LET THE END BEGIN:

p. 90 – Superman Unchained #9:

It’s the final issue of what turned out to be a mini-series, which retailers weren’t warned about when it started, so it sure is nice for DC to buy back all those #1s everyone way overordered back then…wait, what? They’re not? Ah, well, that’s okay. Quarter boxes exist for a reason — right, two-or-three-relaunches-back Marvel series?

p. 128 – Batman and Superman Wood Figures:

p. 239 – Pen & Paper Gamer T-Shirt:

Hold on…an Antarctic Press t-shirt that isn’t mashing up Star Trek or Star Wars with, like, steampunk bacon or something? WHOA. Well, okay, a Klingon said that phrase along the bottom once, but still.

p. 259 – God Is Dead #19:

Hey, it’s the special Nardcore issue!

p. 412 – Big Hero 6: The Essential Guide HC:

“SPECIAL NOTE TO INVESTORS: probably too late to start trying to buy Big Hero 6 back issues for quick fat-cash turnaround.”

Also, “From the creators of Wreck-It Ralph and Frozen.” Great, I loved their work in the original Big Hero 6 comics.

p. 413 – Doctor Who Mad Libs:

“Fezzes are [adjective rhyming with ‘pool’]!”

“It’s [adjective rhyming with ‘digger’] on the inside!”

“Oh for God’s sake it’s [just write in ‘Rose’ here] again.”

p. 474 – Firefly Malcolm Reynolds 1/6-Scale Action Figure:

Sure, at $179.95 the price seems a bit steep, but this is a high-quality figure with which you can act out your own new Firefly adventures for a good, long time, since the actual show is never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever coming back to TV.

p. 482 – Re-Animator Finger Creature 1/1-Scale Prop Replica:

Sure, that’s all well and good, but will they be doing a prop replica of that…other reanimated creature from the third film Beyond Re-Animator? (WARNING: Link not safe for work, or pretty much anywhere)

p. 511 – Star Wars Rebels Medium Talking Plushies:

This magical plushie doll comes in the shape of the Star Wars Rebels logo, and says “I’m a Disney/Lucasfilm trademark” whenever it’s lovingly squeezed!

p. 521 – Pop! Breaking Bad Vinyl Figures:

I’m glad to see Breaking Bad Babies is finally getting some traction. Also, there may be a spoiler in that figure assortment.

p. 528 – Marvel’s Guardians of the Galaxy masks:

Well, my wardrobe for the coming fetish ball is all sorted out. Also, what if Baron Zemo was wearing one of those Rocket Raccoon masks instead of that other thing he had on when that accident with Adhesive-X permanently bonded it to his skin? Marvel’s WWII would have gone slightly differently, I’ll tell you that for free.

p. 535-6 – Assorted Walking Dead masks:

You know, this gives me an idea to help all those costume companies avoid heavy expenses with any defective masks that come off the assembly line (or whatever). If the mask comes out deformed or torn or whatever, just paint it to look like rotting bloody flesh and call it a “zombie mask!” I mean, what the heck, right? No one’s going to complain it doesn’t look like a zombie. Like, say, those Guardians of the Galaxy masks. If you had a bad batch come through, just slap a new paintjob on them and suddenly you have “Tree Zombie,” “Zombie Raccoon,” and “Ummm…Darth Zombie, I Guess.”

No need to thank me.

p. 536 – Walking Dead Rick Grimes Machete:

You can buy this for $19, or, um, you know. Of course, you’d have to put the blood spatter on it yourself, but that was just a suggestion, Your Honor, I didn’t actually tell anyone they had to do that.

p. 537 – Galaga Pillow:

So I can just wait for one of those mothership thingies to swoop down and grab my pillow with its tractor beam, I can shoot it later and suddenly have two pillows! My plan is flawless!

5 Responses to “Progressive Ruin presents…the End of Civilization.”

  • philip says:

    Mystic Records for the big fat win.

  • ArghSims says:

    What the heck are those wooden bat/super men figures supposed to be?

    The Rocket Racoon mask is horrifyingly cool.

  • Snark Shark says:

    “Galaga Pillow”


    “It’s the final issue of what turned out to be a mini-series, which retailers weren’t warned about when it started”

    DC likes doing that, don’t they?

    “Walking Dead Rick Grimes Machete”

    It goes well with your FRIDAY THE 13TH machete!

  • Snark Shark says:

    “What the heck are those wooden bat/super men figures supposed to be?”

    They look like chair-backs for kids chairs to me!

  • David Oakes says:

    Where’s my Official Machete (TM) Machete?