Progressive Ruin presents…the End of Civilization.

§ March 28th, 2014 § Filed under End of Civilization § 17 Comments

Hey, remember comics? Boy, I sure do. Those cute little booklets of pictures, folded and stapled, that we all so enjoyed. Those were the days, back when we had trees, and people who could read, and before the electromagnetic pulses destroyed all electronics. Ah, yes.

But perhaps I’m getting ahead of myself! Civilization’s still here, but not for long, as perusing this month’s selection of goodies from Diamond Previews may show. Grab your copy of the April 2014 edition and follow along:

p. 101 – Superman #32:

“A NEW ERA for SUPERMAN begins….”

Oh, good, that’s like era number, what, four? five? in the last three years or so?

p. 149 – Superman Vs. Darkseid Statue (Second Edition):


p. 150 – DC Comics Super-Villains Harley Quinn Bust / DC Comics Cover Girls Katana Statue:

Oh, sure, the item that might sell has less than half the production run of the statue of the character no one’s ever been interested in, ever.

[THREE DAYS LATER: policeman gather around Mike’s body, slumped over at his computer desk. A spilled Diet Coke is at his feet.

“We’re not sure what happened here. The only clue we have is…this,” says one policeman, as he points at the katana handle sticking out of Mike’s back.]

p. 154 – Scribblenauts Unmasked Mini-Figures Blind Boxes Series 4:

Man, “blind box” packaging. There’s no way they’re going to suck me into buying blind-boxed stuff ever ag…


p. 182 – Star Slammers Re-Mastered! #4:

I can’t believe they got four comics outta space pogs.

p. 259 – Mountain Dewback T-Shirt:

Coming soon: Yodoo-Hoo, 7-Ugnaught, Black Sunkist, Pepsi Max Rebo, Jar Jar Barq’s, and the dreaded Dooku Pepper.

p. 264 – Fathom Annual #1:

To be followed next year by Fathom Annual #1, and then Fathom Annual #1 the year after that.

p. 323 – The Twilight Zone Vol. 1 TPB:

I know the creative team’s decision to tell multi-issue stories over the course of this series was bit of a controversial one, but my disappointment is that the series wasn’t like “Crisis of Infinite Twilight Zones!” The aliens finally decide to take direct action on Maple Street, only to be countered by Mr. Dingle, who retains his superhuman powers from the Martian and Venusian experimentation! Meanwhile, the gremlin, who landed just outside of town after falling from the plane, teams up with Anthony Fremont to exact revenge upon a world that fears and despises them! Will Robot Grandma step in to help save the world, even as the Kanamits wait in orbit to eat whoever survives?

…I probably need to get out more.

p. 353 – The Smurfs Volume 18: The Finance Smurf:

Bilderberg Smurf’s secret meetings are looked upon with suspicion by Conspiracy Smurf: “They’re up to something smurfy…very smurfy indeed,” he says during his Smurf-to-Smurf AM radio interview.

p. 367 – Doctor Who The Tenth Doctor #1 / Doctor Who The Eleventh Doctor #1:

…released on a just slightly more-than-monthly schedule, with, I’m sure, a Twelfth Doctor series in the offing. And then, eventually, Doctors One through Nine get their own 15-issues-a-year series, and then there’s the War Doctor series telling all those adventures from those missing years. And then the series with the Curator from Day of the Doctor, fighting art thieves and such. And then a series starring the companions…heck, a series for each companion. Sarah Jane, of course, and Ace because Ace is awesome, and K-9, probably Leela, and sure, Rose, why not. And a Brigadier series. And a series for Vastra, Jenny and Strax. And so on.

Will probably still only be about half of the number of Avengers titles that’ll be on the stands by the time they get all these out.

p. 431 – Dream Vader T-Shirt:

Oooh Dream Vader
I believe you can get me to the lightsaber fight
Oooh Dream Vader
I believe we can find the Jedi Knights
Fly me high through the starry skies
Maybe to Dantooine
Cross the highways of hyperspace
Help me to forget Tatooine

p. 434 – Adventure Time Duality Leggings:

Yet another piece of clothing to add to the official store uniform.

p. 480 – Doctor Who Stress Toys:

Oh, good, I’m going to need these squeezable stress toys…

p. 481 – Mr. Potato Head Doctor Who Figures:

…after looking at these nightmarish things. Sheesh.

p. 489 – Star Wars R2-D2 Egg Cup:

Knowledge of the reproductive cycle of the droid is not for the weakhearted.

p. 501 – Doctor Who Car Magnet 3-Packs:

Okay, items like these generally only make sense to other fans of the property when they’re out of context like this. But, c’mon, “Bad Wolf” barely made sense in context.

p. 507 – Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Soft Touch PVC Key Holders:

“Honey, which one’s the key to the Ranger?”

“The Donatello one!”

[stares at the key rack for another five minutes]

Marvel Previews p. 75 – Marvel Minimates Series 57 Guardians of the Galaxy Movie Asst.:

Featuring a bunch of other sets that you’ll be shoving aside only to discover you can’t find the Drax/Groot/Rocket Raccoon pack.

Marvel Previews p. 79 – Marvel Masterworks Not Brand Echh Vol. 1 HC:

A missed opportunity to make one of the book’s variant covers look like the DC Archives trade dress.

“NOT BRAND ECHH ARCHIVES” — one of you Photoshop masters can slap together a replacement dustjacket for this, I’m sure.

17 Responses to “Progressive Ruin presents…the End of Civilization.”

  • Bully says:

    I thought that said The Fiancé Smurf. My hopes for a bachelor party of every male Smurf (that is, all the Smurfs but two) being crashed by Gargamel were sadly dashed.

  • Dave Carter says:

    It’s always a New Era for Superman!

  • Chris K says:

    Oh, God, I would actually buy that Twilight Zone series you describe… (hangs head in shame…)

  • swamp mark says:

    sorry to spoil your scribblenauts reveal. i’ll be more careful in the future. luckily, no one reads the comments.

  • Snark Shark says:

    ““A NEW ERA for SUPERMAN begins….””


    “Scribblenauts Unmasked Mini-Figures ”

    Is it kind of wrong for a Terminator figure to be so CUTE?

    “Mountain Dewback T-Shirt”

    I kind of like it!

    “Fathom Annual ”

    There’s NO WAY that shirt would still be holding on!

    ” “Crisis of Infinite Twilight Zones!” ”

    How about a cross-over with “The Outer Limits”?

    “Featuring a bunch of other sets that you’ll be shoving aside only to discover you can’t find the Drax/Groot/Rocket Raccoon pack.”

    Ronan the accuser and the green chick look cool… but YEAH.

  • Masonic Youth says:

    Those Adventure Time leggings will appear on no fewer than five different skaters in roller derby bouts this summer at the East Coast Derby Extravaganza, count on it.

  • Jerry Smith says:

    Loved the jello between Superman and Darkseid, but it looks to me like they are fighting over hot coals for a mate on Vulcan! Well, she was hot …

  • Ken Robinson says:

    That Not Brand Echh variant idea would be amazing.

  • caleb! says:

    So they’ve published a lot of Superman comics over the years, with a lot of really crazy stuff going on on some of those covers, but have they EVER published one with Superman DROOLING on the cover?

    Any chance that issue will be worth a lot of money, as the first appearance of Superman’s drool…?

  • Wilf says:

    I don’t expect Twilight Zone to last long. JMS is not a very good comics writer, and he has a tendency not to finish what he starts. He’s one of those guys who is WAAAAAY too full of himself, with little reason to be.

  • Eric Henry says:

    The guy with a Swamp Thing fixation is dissing Katana as a character no one caes about? Gutsy move!

  • I should not have laughed so loud and long at “Jar Jar Barq’s.”

  • King of the Moon says:

    Masonic Youth, heck they will be on 5 of the skaters I coach in a single challenge bout

  • That Twilight Zone series is not bad at all so far, actually. And when I reviewed the first issue I wasn’t too happy with it being a multiple-issue story. Everybody has a few JMS stories they despise, but he actually isn’t a bad writer, and he was one of the writers on the 80s Twilight Zone show, so that’s a good match all around.

  • Chris G says:

    On my planet, “Kryptonian armor” stands for “embossed unitard.”

  • John says:

    I got really excited thinking that the Superman Vs. Darkseid Statue was a salsa holder.

  • Ben Herman says:

    “Crisis of Infinite Twilight Zones”

    Okay, now I soooooo want to read that series!