"It’s scary that Ah need to see a pictah like this to remembah who Ah am."
So I have here at the shop a full set of the Marvel Masterpiece “Limited Edition” Canvas chase cards from 1995. Featuring work by the artists Dave DeVries, Nelson, Peter Scanlan, and Dimitri Patelis, the card fronts have a bit of texture to them to give the appearance of paintings on canvas…hence the name, obviously.
They’re pretty neat looking cards, as these things go, but the real gold is their backs, which feature personality-laden dialogue from each card’s featured character. Even better: the characters often comment on the very pieces of art being presented! For example, here’s what the Punisher has to say about his canvas card, while explaining to the fans what he’s all about:
“Patelis has captured the last sight my targets ever see: final punishment. These vermin deserve no more or less. They are criminals and I am justice.”
You see what they’re getting at, there. And apparently the last thing the bad guys see is the Punisher’s crotchical area, but let’s not dwell on that.
I thought I’d run a few of these quotes past you folks out there in internet-land, and see if you can guess which characters are speaking. Most of them are pretty obvious, so it’s more for the amusement factor than for any kind of fanboy trivia super-challenge. Some of these quotes are pretty great.
1. Seeing the “Ah” capitalized is a little weird, but…I suppose that’s correct, I guess:
“It’s scary that Ah need to see a pictah like this to remembah who Ah am. […] Sure, mah powers make me supah strong and darn-near indestructible, but they also make me afraid to touch another livin’ soul.”
2. When it’s just spelled out plainly like this, it’s even more obvious than normal how dumb this all was:
“Sometimes I still don’t recognize my own face. Where I once bore the fragile form and features of a ‘proper’ English lady, a madman’s experiment transformed me into a ninja soldier. While part of me mourns the [name removed] I once was, heaven help me, I do so love the warrior I’ve become!”
3. Okay, this one might be a little more difficult than the rest:
“You’re dying to know how I stay so cool, and are probably askin’ yourself, how can I ever be as cool as [name removed], right? Well, the answer is…you can’t, so don’t even try. I mean, like, really…how many people do you know get an awesome trading card by Nelson? He, like, rules!”
4. I guess this is about as close to a personality as this character got in the early to mid-’90s:
“There is nothing like the feel of a weapon in your hand. All that guff about mutant powers can go hang for all I care. I know a good warrior uses every weapon he has in his arsenal, but give me a gun and a clear shot and I’m a happy man.”
5.: Yes, thank you, Nelson:
“They say a picture is worth a thousand words, but this piece of art leaves me speechless. Seeing myself so heroically depicted makes me realize how much time I’ve wasted brooding over what Apocalypse did to me. Guess I’m still one of the good guys. Thanks, Nelson.”
6.: Hey kids, trading cards!
“The blood burns me. The blood that sets the road on fire. Not just any blood, the blood of the innocent. It doesn’t set me free from my human host, [name removed], though, it enslaves me. It tortures me. And the only relief comes in punishing the guilty.”
7. WARNING: reading this one is a little bit like hell:
“I been both an angel an’ a devil in my day, but dat ain’t kept de X-Men from takin’ me in an’ makin’ me one of deir own. Even more den de T’ieves Guild, dey’s de family I never had. I only hope dat when my past catches up wit’ my future, I don’ hurt none of dem…’specially Rogue.”
