Progressive Ruin presents…the End of Civilization.
Say goodbye to civilization, as the end edges closer, ever closer, with each month that passes. So let’s look at pictures and make fun of things! Oh, and take bets on which entry is gonna stick in someone’s craw this time. Remember, it’s all in fun, folks. Whip out your copy of Diamond Previews, April 2008 edition, and follow along! (As always, previous installments are in the sidebar, somewhere.)
p. 98 – Showcase Presents The House of Secrets Vol. 1 TP:
Here comes copy #11 of the first Swamp Thing story for my collection.
p. 303 – The Transformers Spotlight: Wheelie:
Not sure what that CD image is about — I’m assuming it’s from a variant cover or something, and not an actual CD, which is a shame. Who wouldn’t want to hear a rapping Transformer? Don’t you lie to me, I know you do. (The sticker says that the CD includes the smash hit “Decepticon’s Paradise (Soundwave Remix)”.)
p. 400 – Comic Books: How the Industry Works SC:
Short version on how the industry works: only just barely.
p. 404 – Battlestar Galactica and Philosophy SC:
Now it seems like every time there’s a TV show with a bit of a cult following, one of those “The Philosophy of…” books pops up, tying characters and events from the series to the Big Questions, or even the Little Questions, of life. Given that there tends to be overlap of events/character types among all these different series, I wonder if there’s some formula somewhere where you can simply swap out names in the same basic essays. “(Spock/Data/The Doctor/Number Six/T’Ealc/Mork) represents our own occasional confusion and inability to understand the behavior of those around us, as well as symbolizing our desires to work in concert with society….”)
p. 404 – The Encyclopedia Shatnerica:
I used to say that all you ever needed to know about human nature, you could find in the complete works of Shakespeare and the complete collection of the Peanuts comic strip.
I was wrong.
p. 415 – Alien 16-Month 2009 Wall Calendar:
First, holy crap, 2009 already? Second, there’s something comfortably nostalgic about a freakin’ Alien calendar. It’s like I’m ten years old again, seeing that in the catalog.
p. 416 – Chuck Norris Facts 16-Month Wall Calendar:
Has the added use of being able to mark off the days since the “Chuck Norris Facts” fad was officially, completely, totally over.
p. 443 – Comics Code Authority T-Shirts:
Celebrate the caving of an industry, as it subjected itself to self-censorship to avoid government intervention while simultaneously targeting the best publisher it had.
By the way, I’m totally a hypocrite, because I’m so buying one of these.
p. 443 – Madman Playset:
“Graphitti Designs has gone totally bonkers and are offering for the first time-ever, the Madman: Two Trilogies Ltd. Edition Hardcover Book (signed by creator Mike Allred) together with one of our 8″ ultra-cool Madman Action Figure, to create the Madman Playset.”
Hmm. Some playset. “Wheee! I’m Madman! And I’m fighting a, um, a giant…book.” “Wheee! Madman’s running through the city, and looming in the background is, is…a giant book.”
p. 445 – Ninja Straw Hat:
Good for wearing at anime conventions…aaaaaand that’s pretty much it.
p. 445 – Japanese Keyboard Grey T-Shirt:
Attention any female ladies of the girl persuasion: I suspect wearing this t-shirt around horny fanboys is going to lead to lots of allegedly “funny” attempted interactions with your breasticalogical region. “Ha ha, I’m going to hit CTRL-ALT-DELETE on y…” he might manage to say, before you plant a boot in his please-don’t-hit-with-a-boot region.
p. 458 – Batman Dark Knight Batpod:
It’s heartening to see that cutting edge 1970s Evel Knievel stuntcycle toy handcranking power is being reintroduced to a new generation.
p. 460 – Cult Classics Series 7: “The Exorcist” Regan Action Figure:
The image reads “NOT FINAL,” as you probably see there, but I’m not sure what more needs to be done since that pic looks…remarkably disturbing. Maybe it can be motorized. And have sound chips. And ooze blood. And have needles that randomly jab out of the base.
p. 476 – A.I.M. Agent Mini-Bust Twin Pack:
I’m imagining a guy, constantly put upon at work, who comes home to his two A.I.M. Agent busts and takes out his daily frustrations by yelling at his “henchmen.” And then he makes fun of them because they have no peripheral vision.
p. 480 – Battlestar Galactica Battle Damaged Galactica Statue:
“You wanted to see me, boss?”
“Yes, please, step into my office, Sapstein. Now, our Battlestar Galactica statue sales seem to have dried up, and we still have a large stock of them left. Any ideas what we can do to spur sales?”
“Hmmm…I have an idea.” (grabs a BG statue, smacks it against edge of the desk) “There…now it’s a battle-damaged Galactica! A totally different statue from the plain ol’ non-battle-damaged Galactica statue!”
“Brilliant, Sapstein! Put yourself down for a raise!”
p. 502 – Air Gear Sif Ex Ringo “Hentai Version” PVC figure:
Since there was some question as to whether we knew what some people might do to one of these statues…believe you me, I’m fully aware that, at some point, there will be a buyer of this figurine who’s gonna touch it all over with his Little Tetsuo.
p. 508 – Neon Genesis Evangelion Israfel Angel Soft Vinyl Figures:
“Hey, Bob?”
“Yeah?”
“Leave the hanger in your shirt again?”
“Yup. You too?”
“Sure seems that way.”
p. 508 – Neon Genesis Evangelion Eva Unit-01 Soft Vinyl Figure:
Somehow I feel this ad misses the pont of “advertising your product.”
p. 515 – Star Wars “Vader Was Framed” Poster:
No, I’m pretty sure Vader was Space Hitler. And he killed younglings. Younglings! You’re just gonna hang this on your wall and pretend none of that happened?
p. 522 – Iron Man Head Pewter Keyring:
The solicitation reads “concept art shown,” so hopefully the final product will actually look something like Iron Man’s head.
p. 527 – Serenity Mal Reynolds Stunt Pistol Replica:
It’s the sci-fi version of the Buffy stake replica in its almost painful pointlessness.
p. 527 – Mana Energy Potion:
Energy drinks, in fantasy gaming-style potion bottles. Not that the gamers I know need the additional encouragement to drink energy drinks. Maybe if they sold, I don’t know, milk in these things. Or Scope.
(IT’S A JOKE, SON, RELAX.)
p. 528 – Elvis Talking Giant Pez:
“No mere PEZ dispensers, these giant Elvis PEZ dispensers capture the King of Rock’n’Roll with his 70’s style, complete with voice clips! The regular edition features 30 seconds of sound clips from the Elvis Collection, while the Limited Edition has 2 full minutes of song clips – including ‘The Wonder of You,’ ‘An American Trilogy,’ and more….”
That’s it. It’s official. Science has gone too far, too far. There can be no greater indicator of the End of Civilization than th….
p. 529 – Simpsons Homer Talking BBQ Fork:
…Whoops, spoke too soon.
