Progressive Ruin Presents…the End of Civilization.

§ February 28th, 2008 § Filed under Uncategorized Comments Off on Progressive Ruin Presents…the End of Civilization.

Once more unto the breach, my friends, as we plow together through another Diamond Previews catalog. Pull out your copy of the March 2008 edition, pour yourself a frosty drink…and hey, get me one, too, while you’re at it…and follow along as I document the horrors within. (Previous installments, as always, are located in the sidebar somewhere, beneath all the ads.)

p. 183 – Top Cow Summer Reading Set:

“Get a grab bag of 10 awesome Top Cow comics in this mystery pack and kick off your summer right! Plus get at least 1 limited edition variant cover in each pack!”

“They’ve been gathering dust on the warehouse shelves, so it was either this or the recycler! Enjoy your copies of Hunter Killer and Universe!”

p. 216 – Fathom #0:

“Michael Turner’s Fathom makes its triumphant return for the thrilling third volume!”

And once it hits about, oh, issue fourteen or so, when this series peters out, too, I’m sure we’ll see the fantastic fourth volume of Fathom, with yet another number 1. Excuse me, number 0.

The day a Fathom series hits issue #25, I may drop dead from the shock.

p. 252 – The Man with No Name #1:

Oh, hey, a comic based on the old Clint Eastwood movies! Cool! Hmmm, what’s this variant cover, here….

A…a zombie variant? You’re kidding me, right?

“Featuring covers by regular artist Richard Isanove (Dark Tower), as well as a special ‘zombie’ cover by Arthur Suydam….”

Oh dear. Why, why?

p. 398 – 500 Essential Graphic Novels SC:

I hope that’s the actual cover (a panel from Watchmen, in case you didn’t know), because I find it amusing that a book about this “fascinating and innovative form” is being sold with an image of an old man about to be beaten to death his one of his own trophies.

p. 399 – Native Americans in Comic Books: A Critical Study:

Oh, my. This won’t end well, will it? (“Positive portrayals of Indians in comics: Turok. Now, onto the other 250+ pages of this book….”)

(Yes, I know there were other positive portrayals. Don’t poop on my joke.)

p. 406 – The Men’s Underwear Kit:

“This complete kit contains all the essential underwear-repair power tools a man could need, including needle and thread, iron-on patches, two safety pins, an elastic waistband, duct tape, white-out, and a 32-page Instruction MAN-u-al that clearly demonstrates the ins and outs of proper maintenance and repair to turn that one pair into an ever-wear.”

Not stocking this book, because…well, look, I love my customers, but the last thing in the world I want to think about is THEIR UNDERWEAR.

p. 410 – Seagalogy: A Study of the Ass-Kicking Films of Stevan Seagal SC:

Solicitation includes warning that the writer of this book is “known to millions for his hilarious [sic] reviews on the Ain’t It Cool News website.” So consider that before you order it, Sims.

And besides…on this very page is a book about a man who holds more knowledge about ass-kicking than Mr. Seagal could ever hope to achieve:

There is nothing wrong with you that the Shat can’t fix…with his hands.

EDIT: Okay, apparently I picked on the one person at AICN with actual talent, judging by some of the response I’ve been getting. I mean, honestly, what were the odds of finding the one guy? Anyway, here’s his site, so read up, you.

p. 411 – Facebook Book SC:

“…Full of anecdotes (true and semi-true), tips (useful and useless), and other insights, including chapters on the Ethics and Etiquette of using the ‘Book, what your profile really says about you, and a Facebook dictionary.”

A new release from the “Direct to the Remainder Table” library, apparently.

p. 412 – Star Wars Holocron Pop-Up Limited Collector’s Edition:

“Last chance! Less than 50 still available” out of a 500 copies print run, says the solicit. Hmmm…wonder why…oh, wait, it must be the three hundred dollar price tag.

p. 425 – Elvis Is Trading Cards:

p. 428 – Silly Supermarket 2008 Stickers Trading Cards:

“…The affordable and easy-to-complete 30-card die-cut set pokes fun at some of todayís most popular brand names, including ‘Spite,’ ‘Small Bark Franks,’ ‘Chef Poor-Artie,’ and more!”

I wonder if the set includes a parody of Wacky Packages?

p. 438 – Wolverine Enameled Cufflinks:

“On those rare occasions when Logan, the X-Man better-known as Wolverine, needs to dress up for a formal event, he uses these cufflinks to give his dress shirt that extra touch.”

So Wolverine wears cufflinks…with his own face on them? Does anyone else do this? I mean, aside from Donald Trump?

p. 456 – The Princess Bride Fezzik the Giant Talking Plush:

Dude, this is totally an André the Giant plushie doll. That talks. In a fair and decent world, this would have it all over those Elmo things.

p. 468 – Mandrake the Magician Statue:

For the eighty-year-old in your life.

Oh, okay, fine. To be fair, he does have a killer expression:


p. 474 – Star Trek Icons Commander Spock Bust:

Sigh. Okay, here we go…obvious joke in 3…2….

“Captain, it appears something has happened to my arms. I find it most…illogical.”

No, I’m not proud.

p. 476 – Star Wars Kustomz Sandcrawler Rotocast Figure:

As it says, that pick is not the final version of the product, as they apparently need to pour more jugs-full of ABSOLUTE CREEPINESS into this item. GAH.

p. 517 – Predator 20th Anniversary Edition Machete:

I have to say, when I reflect upon my fond memories of the initial Predator movie, what comes to mind generally isn’t the prop machetes they were wavin’ around.

p. 520 – Nintendo NES Controller Belt Buckle:

I shudder to think of the number of nerdy and inappropriate sexual advances this thing is going to be responsible for. “Hey, baby, wanna enter your cheat code?”

p. 523 – Sweeney Todd Shaving Kit:

In a strange way, this is sort of brilliant.

Also, there’s two full pages of Sweeney Todd stuff in this catalog. This would be known as the “Hot Topic Restock Section.”

And as long as I’m on a bit of a tangent, there sure is a lot of merchandise for last year’s movies in here. How much more Pirates of the Caribbean stuff am I going to sell? Is now really the right time to order Cloverfield one-sheets? Yes, I know there are DVDs still being (or about to be) sold for these properties, but that doesn’t seem to drive the merchandise frenzy the same way an actual film in an actual theatre does. I can’t help but think this is a lot of stuff of the “well, couldn’t sell ’em in real stores, let’s dump ’em on the comic shops” variety.

Or, again, it’s all there to restock your local Hot Topic.

p. 523 -Tin Motorcycle with Rider:

“Slightly chubby and very charming, this roguish motorcyclist enjoys the ride on his tin motorbike.”

Only noted because “Slightly chubby and very charming since 1969” will be added to my rotating taglines.

p. 529 – Hulk board games:

I can’t decide which is my favorite…the “Hulk Smash” board game:

“Smash your way through a cityscape, Hulk-style, in this Make ’em, Move ’em, and Mash ’em constructive (and destructive) board game!”

The “Operation Hulk” board game:

“Poor Hulk is sick, so you better operate quick! Combining classic Operation game play with the Incredible Hulk, this board game features light-up and ‘roaring’ effects.”

But I think it has to be the Don’t Wake Hulk” board game:

…if only because you apparently play various Marvel Super-Heroes doing their damnedest not to stir the wrath of a groggy Hulk from his mid-afternoon nap.

p. 534 – Monopoly Peanuts Edition Board Game:

Well, crap, I suppose it was only a matter of time before they finally hit upon a Monopoly variation that I’m going to want.

Hey, you know what’d be funny? “Monopoly – The Das Kapital Edition.” Well, okay, maybe not that funny. Look, I’m writing this at one in the morning after a New Comics Day…you’re lucky you’re getting complete sentences out of me.

Marvel Previews p. 35 – The Invincible Iron Man #1:

Hey, you know what we’re not going to need after the Iron Man movie comes and goes from general release? Yes, that’s right — multiple ongoing Iron Man series…how’d you guess? Especially since no Iron Man comic sells well at our shop, after Marvel spent the better part of a year making sure fans no longer liked him.

Well, at least this series looks pretty good. Maybe this one can stick around when they cancel the rest.

Marvel Previews p. 108 – Essential Rampaging Hulk Vol. 1 TPB:

Just so I’m not Mr. Gloomypants McGripealot, I will say this collection of the stories from the Hulk magazines will be absolutely fantastic, even if Mr. Shooter’s absolute nadir as a comics writer won’t be around ’til the next volume. (Yes, Jim Shooter wrote something worse than Warriors of Plasm. Hard to believe, I know.)

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