Progressive Ruin presents…the End of Civilization.

§ January 31st, 2008 § Filed under Uncategorized Comments Off on Progressive Ruin presents…the End of Civilization.

Here you go…the 36th monthly installment of the End of Civilization! Yes, that’s right, I’ve been doing this catalog round-up for three years, kids…staying up late nights the day the Previews arrives, foregoing sleep and putting off reading my new funnybooks, just to do this. Why? Because I’m a masochist, that’s why. I thought you knew that.

Anyway, whip out your February 2008 Previews and follow along…by the way, when I say that, do any of you actually follow along in your Previews?

Well, here you go. Let the carnage begin:

p. 176-7 – Spawn: Age of Pharaohs:

That would be Warrior Isis, the Only Figure That’s Gonna Sell from This Set. Well, okay, maybe Sebek (as he’s called in the catalog…he’s called “The Crocodile King” on the website) will, too.

p. 182 – Witchblade/Devi #1:

Now, I’m not a regular reader of Virgin Comics’ Devi or anything, but it seems to me she usually wears slightly more clothing than that, at least judging by the covers. If I’m wrong, let me know…but if I’m not, see what teaming up with Witchblade does to you?

p. 187 – Wanted Graphic Novel (New Printing!):

It says “Soon to be a major motion picture” in the ad, but the only movie called Wanted I can find is this one, and it doesn’t look a darn thing like this comic. Is there another movie called Wanted in the works?

(Note: That would be “sarcasm.”)

p. 197 – Wizard Exclusive Marvel Zombies Spider-Man Bust:

You know, there are a bunch of Walking Dead zombie statues later in the catalog…I’d imagine having those on display throughout the house would raise far fewer questions than having this thing glaring at you from the china cabinet.

p. 282 – The Silence of the Lambs Minimates:

I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised, given the rather wide range of licenses that have appeared in Minimate form. But given their prediliction for variant figures, look out of the Pantless ‘n’ Tucked Dancing Buffalo Bill Minimate.

p. 403 – Iron Man Teen Novelization MMPB:

That there has to be a special “teen” edition of the book based on the Iron Man movie, a Hollywood action movie (traditionally not the most intellectually-challenging of entertainments) based on a Marvel superhero comic book…honestly, I don’t know how much more dumbed down it can get. Maybe the word “shit” appears in the “adult” novelization, and goodness knows no teenager has ever heard the word “shit” before, so we’d better put out a special version of the book for them. (Or, more likely, to keep their parents from complaining that they found a dirty word in a superhero book their precious snowflake was reading.)

Just to go off on a slight tangent here…honestly, “shit” barely even counts as a swear word any more. It’s not any worse than “damn” or “hell.” And every English speaking person on the planet says it. And plenty of non-English speaking people say it, too. And the people who say they don’t say it really say it far more than you do, just not where anyone can hear them. It’s used so much it can’t possibly have any kind of impact, any more. Plus, it’s Comics Code-approved.

So, “shit.” Say it to your teacher during class. Drop it into conversation with Grandma. Spice up the hymnal a little. And if anyone complains, just let them know your special internet friend pal Dorian said it was okay!

p. 430 – Batman/Superman Foiled Duct Tape Symbol Grey T-shirts:

I don’t even know what to say about this. “Hi, I look like the upholstery in my college roommate’s 20-year-old Datsun 280Z!”

p. 431 – T-shirts:

“Say, do you have anything that combines an ancient video game with a movie that was sorta popular last year?”

“Why, yes, I do…I have this stylish ‘This Is Zeldaaa’ shirt that combines 300 with the Legend of Zelda:”

“Ah, and do you also have a shirt that lets people know that I can’t tell when fads are on their way out?”

“Well, I’m out of my ‘Underwear Perverts‘ shirts, but I do have this snazzy ‘Zombie Crossing’ number.”

“Oh, I hope it’s a black t-shirt!”

“Today is your lucky day, friend:”

“Okay, now I need something to let women know I’m an absolute pig undeserving of the touch of the fairer sex.”

“Here’s just the thing….the ‘Girls Gone Wild Camera Crew’ t-shirt, guaranteed to enforce that celibacy:”

“Wrap ’em up…I’ll take ’em! And make it snappy…I’ve got a hot date tonight!”

“No, you don’t.”

Sigh. No, I don’t.”

p. 440 – Tonner “Justice Protector” Wonder Woman Previews Exclusive Doll:

Well, I guess it’s kinda Wonder Woman-ish. And is that a bird on her head?

Good gravy.

p. 453-4: Star Trek “Amok Time” Action Figure 2-pack:

Oh, look, Kirk’s pecs are smiling at you!

If this set doesn’t come with a sound chip that plays the time-honored Star Trek “fight music,” then mister, color me uninterested.

In fact, let’s have a little taste of “Amok Time,” complete with said music:

Ahhhh…that’s good Trekkin’.

p. 468 – Lord of the Rings: Dark Galadriel Mini-Bust:

Okay, I’d ordinarily not bother with the LOTR busts, since they’re been scraping the bottom of the barrel for a while now…it’s only a matter of time before we’re back to Gandalf statues that can hold your, ahem, “incense.” But, according to the full-page ad for this bust two pages later…THIS BUST LIGHTS UP. That’s just the right amount of “tacky” to gain my admiration.

p. 474 – Lord of the Rings Balrog Monument:

And they ain’t yankin’ your chain about “monument” — 48 inches long, 40 inches high, 26 inches deep, and PURE FREAKING EVIL:

Dropping the required $2000 on this item will cement your reputation as the neighborhood Satanist. I mean, look at that thing. Holy freakin’ cow.

p. 486 – Dr. Hofmann Glow-in-Dark Edition 8-Inch Toyer Qee:

This is just such a weird conglomeration of pop culture elements that I had to note it. Nothing weird to say about it…just, you know, let it sink in a little. Stare at it. Let it occupy your thoughts.

p. 500 – Doctor Who The Face of Boe 5-inch Figure:

If it’s just a face, does it really count as a figure?

I think the Face of Boe would have made a good Boglin toy.

p. 517 – Kit Rae Black Legion Battle Axe:

It’s described as having a “false-edged finish,” but I think that’d be small comfort if that thing’s swinging your way, false edge or not. That’s a beheading waiting to happen.

p. 549 – Comic Book Pencilling with Stephen Platt:

“…Comic illustrator Stephen Platt [Moon Knight] covers how to create a fully pencilled page from beginning to end. […] In addition, he discusses industry conventions as well as advice on portfolios and earning a living in professional comics.”

Weren’t those Moon Knights 15 years ago? I know he did Prophet and Soul Saga, too, but I don’t know that he’s done any comic book work in recent years. I was just surprised to see his name, after all this time, and on a $49 instructional DVD. Certainly wasn’t inspecting that.

p. 549 – DC Comics 52 Audio CDS:

“DC Comics’ epic comic book mini-series, 52, is brought to life with this pulse-pounding, multicast ‘Movie in your Mind’ audiobook featuring professional actors, scoring, and digital effects!”

Okay, I shouldn’t buy these, but I want to. One of you out there needs to stop me…before it’s too late. But then again, maybe it’ll provide inspiration for my forthcoming amateur stage production of “Todd McFarlane’s Spider-Man.” “His webline” — dramatic pause — “advantageous!”

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