Progressive Ruin Presents…the End of Civilization.
Welcome, younglings, as the 33rd monthly installment of the End of Civilization, this is. Your November 2007 edition of Diamond Previews you will read, and follow along, you wi…oh, okay, I’ll stop. Anyway, the previous installments are, as always, in the sidebar, so let the bad merchandise, silly products, and the objectification of the female form begin!
p. 45 – Judge Dredd Alien Statue:
In case you needed to confuse any of your friends and family…”why does your Alien statue have the face of a helmeted man with a deformed chin?”
p. 131 – Showcase Presents Series 1 Action Figures:
As I mentioned here…ALTERNATE RED KRYPTONITE HEADS. The real fun will come in as you try to fit them onto other figures. (I have some likely prospects….)
p. 164 – The Godfather Action Figure:
Okay, I know the “action figure” description is a misnomer, but I suppose that helps the item sell better than calling it “only barely-articulated plastic statue.” But I can’t help picturing neighborhood kids playing with their toys:
“Okay, so my Luke Skywalker uses his lightsabre to cut off Snake Eyes’ head.”
“No way! Snake Eyes totally dodged that lightsabre.”
“The Godfather has ordered a hit on both of you, and his thugs gun you down in cold blood. Your bodies lie on the ground, almost looking as if you were sleeping, save for the red sticky pool of viscous liquid forming beneath you.”
“…”
“…My mom says I can’t play with you any more.”
p. 174 – Witchblade Takeru Manga #11:
Okay, let’s be honest here. This is a stroke book, pure and simple. And by “stroke book,” in case any of you are confused, I mean “a magazine featuring images of prurient interest for use as visual stimuli during masturbation.” It features an assemblage of barely covered breasts and vaginas (bottoms being generally free of clothing) being posed in a variety of ways. I suppose there’s dialogue, and some pretense at a plot, but the star of the show is female body parts.
I didn’t think they could outdo the cheesecake factor of the original Witchblade comic, but here it is.
p. 209 – Archie Comics:
Dear publishers of Archie Comics:
Screw you, you incredible pricks. (1, 2 for how Archie is trying to drop Dan DeCarlo, creator of Josie and co-creator of Sabrina the Teenage Witch, into the memory hole.)
p. 242-3 – Red Sonja comics:
Speaking of stroke books….
It’s a two page spread of Red Sonja’s rear end! On the left hand side is Alex Ross’ illustration of Red Sonja’s butt:
And to the right are two more Red Sonja behinds, presented for your perusal:
Okay, those two are more or less the same image, one being a comic cover, the other being a 3-D representation. But BAM, BAM, BAM, it’s butt, butt, butt across both pages. Enjoy, boys!
p. 369 – Captain Kirk’s Guide to Women:
At last, we have a replacement for The Bible:
Publishers, shutter your doors. Printers, halt your presses. The book industry has reached its zenith, and human knowledge has achieved its greatest accomplishment. If there is any knowledge in the world not contained within these pages…it’s not worth knowing.
p. 398 – Mounted Cthulhu Head Plush:
You know, after Santa Cthulhu, and Elvis Cthulhu, and so on, I keep thinkng that there’s nothing more that can be done in the stuffed Cthulhu genre…
…but apparently there is.
Of course, now that we’ve achived Mounted Cthulhu, it’s only one more step to incorporate Big Mouth Billy Bass technology to make him talk. Imagine some unsuspecting guest at your house admiring your Mounted Cthulhu, when it suddenly recites “That is not dead which can eternal lie / And with strange aeons even death may die.” Big laffs!
p. 400 – For A Few Dollars More Minimates Box Set:
Is the world ready for a Clint Eastwood Minimate? I don’t really have anything smart-alecky to say about this. I’m just stunned it even exists.
p. 420 – She Dragon Variant Edition Statue:
I’m pretty sure I’ve mentioned this statue before, but, after doing this End of Civilization thing for nearly three years now, I’m running short of ways to say “the things you people make statues out of.” I mean, honestly:
But, in all fairness, Mr. Glum totally rules. This should be sold this seperately:
p. 430 – Lord of the Rings Snaga Ringbearer Bust:
Okay, now, this needs to stop. Gandalf statues, fine. There’ll always be hippies to buy ’em. And Gollum? Who doesn’t love Gollum? But this guy:
At this point, with the movies well over and done with, “scraping the bottom of barrel”-level characters may be a tough sell.
p. 448 – Marvel Bearz Series 1 Vinyl Figures:
From the solicitation info:
“Each Marvel Bearz features a colorful, hidden button on the back of it’s [sic] head. Some of these buttons are rarer than others, and are covered with a safety cap, so until you have purchased your bear, no one knows what color (or limitation) your button will be.”
Okay, leaving aside I have no idea what they mean by “what limitation your button will be” (I’ll Google it up later, if I still care), does everything have to have some kind of artificial collectible/trading aspect to it? Can’t these just be weird superhero bears? Can’t we enjoy the simple sublime beauty of the concept just as is?
Well, “beauty” is a relative term. This Carnage Bear is just pure nightmare fuel:
GAH.
p. 452 – Dead or Alive Xtreme 2 – Lei Fang ArtFX Statue:
“I’m ready for my exam, Doctor!”
p. 482 – Smallville Kryptonite Metal Key:
At $39.99, that’s one expensive coaster. Because WHAT ELSE CAN YOU POSSIBLY USE THIS FOR? Leveling out table legs? Paint it red and make a very small stop sign?
p. 482 – Horror Playing Cards:
I’m not sure what’s so horrific about the Vivid Girls cards (though I suppose the implants are terrifying), and I was all set to poke a little fun at these, but…well, I kinda want a set of the Nightmare on Elm Street cards. And I bet they’d sell like gangbusters, especially at five bucks a pop.
Hmmm…I think I need to add “playing cards” to the store’s merchandise shelves….
