Progressive Ruin Presents…the End of Civilization. Again.

§ July 26th, 2007 § Filed under Uncategorized Comments Off on Progressive Ruin Presents…the End of Civilization. Again.

It’s the End of Civilization as we know it, and I feel just dandy, thank you. Come with me as I journey through the August 2007 edition of Diamond Previews and attempt not to weep openly. (The last two and a half years’ worth of this masochistic endeavour are linked in the sidebar.)

p. 45 – Star Wars Episode IV – A New Hope Photo Comic:

Seems to me this sort of book is just a couple decades too late, as the need for “photo-novels” has been supplanted by the availability of the actual films for home use. $9.95 for this book, or just a few bucks more for the DVD? (More discussion on a related topic here.)

p. 412 – Star Wars Reader A Queen’s Diary SC:

In which you get the character development that probably would have been nice to have had in the actual movies.

p. 429 – Punisher Sterling Silver Symbol Ring:

“Hey, wow! Cool ring! I love the Phantom!”

p. 432 – “Teenage Nightmare Bitch from Hell” Women’s t-shirt & “Disco Zombie Pimp” black work shirt:

Both these shirts are pretty amusing, I thought, but the pricing, the pricing. “Bitch from Hell” is $32.95 (all sizes), while “Disco Zombie Pimp” is $39.99 for sizes up to XL, and $43.99 for the larger sizes. God Lord Almighty, that’s like concert t-shirt pricing.

p. 448 – Harry Potter 12-inch Hermione Granger Action Figure with Sound:

And the sound it makes: “Quick looking up my skirt, you pervert!”

p. 454 – Upper Deck Authenticated Venom Bust:

Okay, first, “authenticated?” Is there a big bootleg market for Venom busts? And second, that’s a little more veiny than I prefer my Venom to be.

p. 454 – Gladiator Original Design Mini-bust:

“Slice your pizza for you, sir?”

p. 460 – All-American Cheerleader Statue:

You kinda have to admire the straightforwardness of this item. “No, she’s not a 3-D representation of some art piece. She’s not a skimpily dressed warrior princess. She’s not a superheroine with a skin tight outfit. She’s just your plain ol’ run-of-the-mill basic-fetish cheerleader. Enjoy.”

p. 460 – Sinful Suzi Statue:

Another in a long line of “this is gonna take some explaining to the loved ones” series of statues and busts offered through Previews.

p. 464 – Buffy the Vampire Slayer The Essense of Willow Statue:

Just for old time’s sake, since it was a piece of Buffy merchandise that kicked off the “End of Civilization” thing so long ago, I wanted to feature another ridiculous Buffy item. But, um, I actually kind of like the design of this item. Apparently it lights up, too. I guess if I wanted to make fun of a bad Buffy item being foist upon the public in this catalog, I should have stuck with the comic.

p. 466 – Lord of the Rings Classics Gimli Bust:

I think we may have gone past the “sell-by” date for Lord of the Rings merchandise specifically based on the movies. See also Harry Potter merchandise in a couple years.

p. 471 – Star Wars Classics Momaw Nadon Hammerhead Bust:

First off, that’s just kind of creepy. Also, when I was a kid, this character was just “Hammerhead,” on screen in the cantina scene for all of a second or two, at most. But, because every single character who’s ever had any screen presence now has to have a name and backstory, he’s saddled with the name “Momaw Nadon.” Sorry, but he’ll always be “Hammerhead” to me.

p. 481 – Bart Simpson 10-inch D.I.Y. Previews Exclusive Qee Vinyl Figure:

“Ba-art, the fiendish ghost, the fiendish-est ghost you know….” You’re supposed to use this figure as a template for your own designs, but, heck, just leave him as is. That’s just plain scary.

p. 490 – Chocotto Sister Choco 1/8 Scale Whit Cat PVC Figure:

Japan, honestly, what the hell? And please tell me there’s not a life-size verison of this.

p. 499 – Alien Kubricks Powerloader Deluxe Set:

You know, I really like the Alien Kubrick toys, and this set, with the Ripley in her Powerloader, the Queen Alien, and all…but seventy bucks? Ack.

p. 513 – Pez Elvis Gift Set Case:

“Each container holds 3 Elvis Pez dispensers (one from each decade: 50’s, 60’s & 70’s)….”

With some slight modification, you could probably change the ’70s one into a pill dispenser.

p. 513 – 300 Life-sized Leonidas Cape Limited Edition Prop Replica:

Only $225. Almost guaranteed to be pulled out of the display case or your closet and played with by your children.

p. 517 – Nightmare Before Christmas merchandise:

If it’s July, it must be time for the yearly onslaught of Nightmare Before Christmas stuff. Here’s one of three and half pages of related merchandise in this month’s catalog:

Somewhere, a warehouse full of Corpse Bride merchandise is crying.

Marvel Previews p. 25 – Howard the Duck #1 (of 4):

“Just when you thought it was safe to read comics again…and Marvel has to do THIS?!?”

Probably the least self-aware quote in Marvel’s catalog this month. It’s a good thing it says “Howard” on the character’s shirt, because otherwise I never would have recognized him. And, nothing against Ty Templeton, but Howard not written by Steve Gerber is like Charlie Brown not written by Charles Schulz.

Marvel Previews p. 84 – Marvel Milestones Howard the Duck Statue:

Well, I asked for it, and now that it’s here, I’m not sure what to think about it. I do like the red-rimmed eyes, though.

Marvel Previews p. 85 – Marvel Minimates PX Zombie Iron Man & Black Panther Two-Pack:

Featuring the exciting “Man on Crutch Missing a Foot” toy! And I know it’s how these Mini-Mate leg joints are designed, but posed like that…um, perhaps we see why Tony Stark (even Zombie Tony Stark) is popular with the ladies. BARN DOOR’S OPEN, TONY!

Yes, I’m twelve years old.

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