Progressive Ruin Presents…The End of Civilization.
Another month, another catalog full of funnybook delight, another one of these End of Civilization things. Whip out your copy of Diamond Previews June ’07, and follow along as I look at a handful of choice items contained therein. (As always, links to previous Ends in the sidebar, somewhere beneath my lovably clickable Google ad):
p. 158 – Stray Toasters TP:
For those of you who didn’t understand the first couple of times this was released and rereleased, here’s your chance to not get it again. I think it’s getting to be about time for my own once-a-decade rereading attempt.
Sure is purty, though.
p. 191 – Marvel Commemorative Captain America Head Bust:
That’s some chutzpah, putting an actual “death” date on the base of the bust:
C’mon, honestly. Is Marvel going to issue replacement plaques once Cap is back among the living?
p. 191 – Marvel Milestones X-Babies Unleashed Part 1:
There are two sets of these statues, but this one is by far the creepier. Look at those dark, soulless eyes, those grinning, evil faces.
Here, have a better look at Magneto:
You’ll be seeing him again…IN YOUR UNQUIET DREAMS.
p. 423 – Punisher “Bling Symbol” Black T-shirt:
Dear Marvel: please never use the terms “Punisher” and “bling” in this proximity ever again. Love, Mike.
p. 424 – Cup O’ Momocheet: “Ladies Peach” T-shirt:
CHIBI SERRANO!
p. 430 – Transformers: Optimash Prime Potato Head:
This is your “cognitive dissonance moment of the day.”
And “Optimash Prime?” Oh good gravy.
p. 440 – Chucky & Tiffany Cushions:
“The murderous movie dolls with little regard for pain and suffering can now be yours on this collectible couch cushion!”
Let’s consider that for a moment. I’ll even blow up the font for you.
“COLLECTIBLE COUCH CUSHION.”
Okay, let us move on.
p. 448 – Star Wars R2-D2 Trash Can:
It’s one hundred twenty-five bones, which is a bit much to throw down. But darn if that isn’t something I want to have in my home. But for that much, I’d want the R2 trash can to actually follow me around, ready to accept my trash at any moment. (But then again, that is what Employee Aaron is for….)
p. 473 – Schoolgirl Witchblade with Ponytail Statue:
This is a marginally different paint job and head sculpt of the first Schoolgirl Witchblade statue (originally featured in this previous End of Civilization post). Now that’s micromanaging your fetish.
p. 519 – Jaws Seven Tooth Display:
“…This Jaws collectible feature a brass plate that reads: ‘Resin teeth cast from original mold created for “Bruce” the mechanical shark.'”
For $399. I don’t have a joke here, really. What’s to add to charging four bills for replicas of fake shark teeth?
p. 519 – Jaws Shark on Brass Rod:
“This 14″ from head to tail Jaws figure comes with a brass plate that reads: We are working on it!”
Okay, it’s been a loooong time since I’ve seen Jaws. Is “We are working on it!” an actual line from the movie? Or is it, as I suspect, “dummy text” accidentally left in the solicitation info, which was meant to be replaced by whatever the actual plate text was going to be? Or could it be a reference to the fact that the mechanical shark used on the film had nothing but problems, and was continually being fiddled with and adjusted to get it to perform?
Honestly, I have no idea. Somebody set me straight.
p. 521 – The Wizard of Oz Wicked Witch Celebriduck:
For those of you who prefer your Oz collectibles to be ABSOLUTELY F**KING NIGHTMARE-INCUDING. What’s going on here? This is like the special “nightmare fuel” edition of Previews, what with those X-Babies and the Chucky pillows…is there something in the water? Is it a full moon?
Marvel Previews p. 58 – Series Title to Be Announced:
Well, I guess Marvel’s looking for other title options since using “The Champions” may be a problem.
Pal Dorian thinks they’ll go with “West Coast Avengers.” I’m pushing for “X-Vengers.” I mean, what the hell. Or how ’bout “The Company-Wide Crossover Squad.” They could probably title all their team books with that last name.
