Progressive Ruin Presents…the End of Civilization.

§ February 22nd, 2007 § Filed under Uncategorized Comments Off on Progressive Ruin Presents…the End of Civilization.

Once more into the breach, my friends, as you and I storm the latest issue of the Diamond Previews catalog (March ’07)…grab your copy and follow along, won’t you?

p. 312 – Angel: Masks:

You know, that “Angel turns into a puppet” episode of Angel is probably the peak of the whole Buffyverse saga…it’s cute, it’s funny, it’s self-mocking, it’s actually as good as some hardcore Buffy fans think every episode is, and for some reason, every time one of the licensees dips into the puppet well, it diminishes the original for me. I’ve spoken before about the multiple Angel-as-puppet dolls, and the apparently based-on-fanfic Spike-as-puppet doll (resolicited this month, in fact!), and now this comic, featuring a Angel puppet story. Hey, maybe it’ll be great, but I’m all puppeted out.

p. 393 – The Wolverine Handbook:

I so wanted this to be a “How to become just like Wolverine” instruction manual. “First, don’t take any grief from anyone, bub. Second, get claws, learn how to use ’em.” Alas, it seems to be just a Marvel Universe Handbook-style biographical overview.

p. 422 – Samurai Sandals:

“Not only did the Samurai have to protect their bodies with metal armor, but they also had to protect their feet! Now you can feel like a warrior with these cool Samurai sandals! NOTE: Not available in Germany.”

Whoops, sorry, my German friends. NO SAMURAI FOR YOU. Also, it’s odd that there’s no indication that this is some kind of merchandising tie-in to a Japanese cartoon (like everything else in this section). It’s just, hey, a pair of sandals, offered up in the funnybook catalog! I wonder if any other sandals had been offered by Diamond before…like Hulk flip-flops or something.

p. 425 – “Comics Are…” Black t-shirt:

Oh, I beg to differ, my friend. May I point out to you the Diamond Previews adult supplement….?

p. 446 – Star Trek The Original Series “Cloth Retro” Series 1 Kirk & Klingon Action Figures:

It always ages you just a little when toys you had as a young’un are reissued as “retro” items. Yes, I had these figures, and more besides. I even had the big ‘ol Enterprise bridge playset…okay, now I’m depressing myself.

p. 462 – Star Trek The Original Series “Landing Party” Spock 40th Anniversary Statue:

“Captain, look, over there…I believe I see…a nerd….”

(Yeah, I know, so says the guy who had the Enterprise playset.)

p. 462 – Star Wars Jawa mini-bust:

Actually, you get two Jawa busts in this set. How cool is that? I’m not really poking fun or anything…I just loves me the Jawas.

p. 481 – Demonbane Aru & Raika 1/8 PVC Statue:

“The new anime series Demonbane [based on a hit video game] mixes elements of H.P. Lovecraft’s Cthulhu Mythos with the time-honored traditions of the Giant Robot anime for a genre-busting series that must be experienced!”

Okay, I’m going to guess the “sexy girls in bikinis” thing must be one of those time-honored Giant Robot anime traditions, because Lovecraft probably would have keeled over dead (I mean, sooner than he already did) if ever saw anything like this.

p. 484 – Jaws 12-inch Plush with Sound:

“It also features a sound-chip that plays the classic John Williams theme music when you squeeze his body!”

You know, when I was a kid, I had quite a few Jaws-related (or at least inspired) items, which, now that I think about it, was kind of odd. But this item would have fit right in.

p. 498 – Spider-Man 3 Push Light:

Let’s see, normally you can get these at the 99-cent store, but slap some Spider-Man stickers on ’em…and now you got yourself a $5.99 item. Well done, sirs, well done.

p. 500 – Shrek Talking Pens:

Celebrate one of the most overexposed film franchises of recent memory with pens containing sound chips featuring your favorite Shrek characters. Guaranteed to aggravate everyone within hearing, with the almost-certain exception of the person who actually owns the pen. Fun for everyone!

Marvel Previews p. 87 – Marvel Milestones Zombie Spider-Man & Mary Jane Statue:

For those of you looking for a way to really confirm the neighbors’ opinions about you. I mean, you all know how crap like this looks to the uninitiated, right? “Why do you have a statue of evil Spider-Man standing with a gutted woman, Bob?” “Well, uh….” “I don’t believe you are the type of person we’d want at our fourth annual neighborhood weenie roast/charity sack race, Bob…good day to you, sir.”

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