This is the worst comic story I’ve ever read.*

§ September 25th, 2006 § Filed under what Comments Off on This is the worst comic story I’ve ever read.*

From The Many Ghost of Dr. Graves #60 (Dec. 1976) comes the story “Lord of Unterweger,” which finds Stacy acting upon her curiosity about her mysterious neighbor:

The owner of the mansion answers, and when Stacy asks to share some of her cake ‘n’ coffee with him to acquaint themselves, the neighbor declines, causing Stacy to way overreact:

That night, Stacy spots a person standing at her window, whom she recognizes as her grumpy neighbor:

But when she approaches the window, scolding him for coming to apologize at such a late hour, she sees quite a different face:

Frightened by the incident, Stacy finds herself with a new resolve to ferret out the secret of her mysterious neighbor. The next day, she returns to the mansion but is spotted before too long:

Man: “Skulking about on private property is a crime, miss!”

Stacy: “Oh! You startled me! But I suppose that I deserved it. My behavior is criminal, but I assure you I meant no harm. I’ll leave immediately!”

Chastised, Stacy tries to split, but the man calls her back:

Her offer for some private nursing denied, she goes to purchase the required medicine, but not before turning to see the ugly face from the other night staring at her from one of the mansion’s windows.

On the way to the druggists, she theorizes that the man is changing form back and forth from ugly to handsome, and that the medicine he requested is in fact just an ingredient for a formula causing this change. She decides that she should cut off contact with her neighbor:

“He has not treated me with kindness and his actions thus far suggest terrible consequences should I return….”

She returns to the mansion, fearing for her well-being:

She wanders through the large house, and happens upon a shocking sight:

The truth is revealed, as the medicine the handsome brother requested is in fact for his sickly Siamese sibling…the handsome brother then proceeds to reveal his sensitive attitude regarding his brother’s health, who’s RIGHT THERE NEXT TO YOU, DUDE:

Stacy impresses both brothers with her generosity and desire to help. Over the next few days, their relationship develops with somewhat predictable consequences:

Upon realizing this, the sick brother decides to take matters into his own hands:

Stacy returns just in time for the surprise twist ending. Go ahead, see for yourself:

Okay, first of all, the handsome brother must be the dimmest bulb on the planet to not notice that he’s bound to his sickly brother by leather straps, covered with flesh-colored rubber or not. IT’S RUBBER, and I imagine that there’s at least one seam somewhere in the rubber coverings. “Hey, what’s this under my stomach strap?”

Second, was it really worth it for the ill brother to willingly allow himself to be bound “permanently” to his sibling, for no reason other than the slight risk that his loving brother wouldn’t take care of him?

Third, the father must have started this pretty early for the handsome brother to not remember that he was ever anything other than a Siamese twin.

Fourth, the brothers must have successfully avoided any and all medical examinations, because I have a feeling that no doctor on the planet anywhere would be fooled by an elaborate network of straps and rubber faking conjoined twin-ness.

And that, friends, is the stupidest resolution to a comic story I’ve ever read. And I’ve read Millennium.

If you have any equally unfortunate “twist endings” that you’ve come across in comics, let me know in the comments section (EDIT: comments link dead) (SPOILERS will be there, of course, assuming anyone does leave any suggestions).

* Over the last couple of days, anyway.

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