Post #1000

§ September 6th, 2005 § Filed under Uncategorized § 1 Comment


“Lo, If This Be A Clash of the Titans!”

“Look out, Aquaman!”

The rubble came crashing down to earth, and Aquaman, hearing Speedball’s warning just in the nick of time, was able to dive out of the way.

Far above, the source of the rubble – Hyperion and Superman, flying back and forth across the sky almost faster than the eye could follow, pulverizing the huge chunks of rock hurtling from orbit. But even as fast as they were, some of the meteors were still getting through, still crashing into Metropolis.

“Take my hand, Arthur,” said Wonder Woman, helping Aquaman up to his feet. “Superman and his cross-dimensional counterpart are doing their best, but they’re only treating the symptoms, not the disease.”

“Everyone, listen!” Wonder Woman’s shout echoed across the mostly-abandoned Metropolis streets, and the heroes of several parallel dimensions turned their attention to her. “It’s clear that sheer force will not win the day! We must join together, in body and in spirit, and take the battle to the source! Who’s with me?”

A couple dozen heroes immediately rushed to Wonder Woman’s side, eager to assist in whatever way possible, including Kid Flash, the Human Torch, Doctor Solar, Worf, the Green Ranger, Light Lass, Tenspeed and Brownshoe, and many others.

“Those of you who can fly, help those who can’t!” commanded Wonder Woman. “Now we must confront whoever is behind this evil…and if we are unable to beat him through force, we shall beat him…through the power of our love!”

“Shame about what happened to Wonder Woman’s team,” Spider-Man said sadly. The offices of the Daily Planet, usually bustling with busy reporters, was now a makeshift command center in the battle against the unknown forces that threatened the planet.

“There will be time to mourn later,” noted Shrinking Violet. “We must think of something to do right now.”

“What she said,” chimed in Kojak. “Supes and that other guy can only hold out for so long. We’re licked if we can’t come up with a pl….”

Suddenly a door slammed open, startling everyone. The Black Knight drew his sword. Frodo instinctively pawed for his ring, only to be stopped by Samwise. Jesus reached for his lightsaber.

A figure stood in the doorway, tall with flowing hair, features obscured by shadow.

Firestorm whispered “that…that can’t be who I think it is, can it? I thought he was just a myth!”

“Oh, I’m much more than a myth,” said the mysterious figure. “I’m also…your only hope.”

Meanwhile, at the Batcave….

“CRUD!” shouted Luke Cage. He was pacing back and forth behind Batman, who was hunched over the Bat-computer, furiously searching through database after database.

“Cage,” warned Batman, “I need you to be quiet while I concentrate on this.”

“Cut me some slack, Bats,” came the retort. “We’ve been stuck in this freakin’ cave for hours, with nuthin’ for me to do but look at glass cases filled with your kid partners’ outfits, while you’ve been trying to come up with some answers. You can’t blame a guy for gettin’ frustrated.”

“I’m doing the best I can,” replied Batman. Suddenly he slammed his fist on the computer console. “You’re not the only one getting frustrated,” he said quietly.

“Look,” said Cage, consolingly, “I know it’s been rough on both of us.” He placed a strong hand on Batman’s shoulder. “You do feel awfully tense. I think you need a massage.” Cage started kneading Batman’s shoulders, his super-strength easly pressing through Batman’s Kevlar cape.

“No, don’t, I need my frustration, my tension,” protested the Dark Knight. “It fuels my passion in my war on crime.”

“There are other kinds of passion,” said Cage. He spun Batman’s chair around so that they were facing each other. They glared into each other’s eyes, neither giving any ground. Suddenly Batman looked away.

“I can’t, I mustn’t…” Batman whispered. “But…if a man can’t feel love, then what are we all fighting for?” He reached up, grabbing Cage by the belt, and pulled him down, their lips close.

“Sweet…Christmas…” murmured Cage.

At the Daily Planet, the heroes gathered in a semi-circle around the doorway, gaping at the figure before them.

“Surely that’s not…” stuttered Shadowman.

“He…he’s gorgeous!” exclaimed She-Hulk.

“What’s going on? Who is it?” asked Daredevil.

Captain America stepped forward, holding his hand out to the mysterious visitor, who grasped it firmly. “This, Daredevil,” he said, “is one of the greatest minds of our time. This is Spike Merling, the Smartest Man Alive.”

“And the most handsome,” interjected the Huntress.

“There’s not much time,” announced Merling, pushing his long, blonde, and perfectly maintained hair out of his face, his shirt open to the waist to reveal his muscular chest. “Only I can get you all out this mess, but you all must do exactly as I say, without hesitation, without question!”

“Oh, I’ll do everything you say,” purred Catwoman.

At the Comicsweblog-o-Sphere, the giant golden globe hidden in a secret location, debate raged freely over what action should be taken during Earth’s current crisis.

Tom the Dog, tail wagging furiously, insisted that drinking was the answer. The giant stone form of the Brill Building nodded his heavy head in agreement.

Magandh, the hideous two-headed mutant created in a lab accident, simply growled and shook three of its mighty fists in the air.

Polite Scott, the World’s Nicest Doctor, looked up from treating Lefty Brown’s massive left arm, injured in battle, and entreated his fellow members of the Comicsweblog-o-Sphere to please see reason, see reason!

Suddenly Captain Corey charged into the meeting room. “I found them! The three people who can turn the tide of battle! The only people who are ultimately undefeatable, against whom the forces we battle can stand no chance!”

“Who? Who the !@&$! are these $&*##!ing heroes?” demanded Ringwood.

“I brought them with me,” Captain Corey excitedly replied. “And here they are!” Three men entered the room, and flanked the Captain. “It’s T.J. Hooker, Captain Kirk, and Denny Crane! Their combined forces will be unstoppable! No villain can stand against us!”

“Wait a minute,” interrupted Dave Ex Machina, his metallic voice cutting through the chatter in the meeting room. “A cop, a starship captain, and a lawyer? That’s just silly.”

“Yeah, you’re right” added the extraterrestrial Neilalien. “Why, if this were, I don’t know, some kind of story someone was writing, I’d be hard-pressed to believe it.”

Captain Corey shook his head. “You guys just don’t get it. Even if it were a story, something this cool wouldn’t have to make sense!”

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