The Comics FAQ
“Hey, Mike, didn’t you say you were gonna have shorter posts for a while?”
Yeah, yeah, I know. Well, the moving process is in full swing now, so for today I thought I’d reprint something I did for the benefit of some internet (and real life) pals in those long-ago pre-Progressive Ruin years. Basically, I took a bunch of comic-book related questions from some good folk (including pals Corey, Reid, Kurt, Kevin, and Dorian) and proceeded to give several snide and mean-spirted answers to them.
I’d actually meant to run these on this site before, shortly after I started doing this weblog. If I recall correctly, someone else out there was doing some kind of “comic book glossary” or something similar at the time, and I didn’t want to look Mr. Copy McCatter.
So, without further ado…and please, don’t take any of these personally. I was just being a jerk on purpose (as opposed to inadvertantly being a jerk, as usual). A couple of the answers may be a bit out of date, too.
WHO IS KYLE RAYNER?
— The new Green Lantern that nobody liked until Grant Morrison started writing him in JLA.
WHAT WAS “THE SPIDER-CLONE SAGA?”
— The death-knell of Spider-Man in comics. Luckily he lives on in movies, TV, and toys.
WHO IS THE SCARLET SPIDER?
— He was Peter Parker, who thought he was a clone of the original Peter Parker, who called himself Ben Reilly after coming out of hiding, but then it was revealed that the Peter that had been in the comics all this time in fact really was the real Peter Parker, and reclaimed the Spider-Man identity, and Reilly became Scarlet Spider, I think, I really don’t remember, because even though it was all interesting when it started, after TWO F’ING YEARS it got to be a bit much.
WHERE IS BATTLE CHASERS?
— On the trash heap along with countless other Image/Wildstorm comics that started big then vanished when their creators got bored. (i.e. right there next to “Soul Saga”)
DIDN’T AUNT MAY DIE?
— No, it was an actress who took the place of Aunt May, somehow deceiving her nephew who had lived with her pretty much all his life.
WHAT IS IMAGE COMICS?
— A company started by oppressed Marvel Comics artists who wanted their own stable of artists to oppress.
WHAT HAPPENED TO HAL JORDAN?
— Nothing good.
WHERE DID THE WEST COAST AVENGERS GO?
— Most of ’em went to Force Works, based in Ventura, CA, apparently by the giant waterfall. You know, the giant waterfall everyone in Ventura likes to go see. Yeah, that one.
WHAT WAS THE “DAY OF JUDGMENT?”
— A DC Comics crossover series designed to bring back Hal Jordan, but not in a way anyone wanted.
WHAT HAPPENED TO DONNA TROY?
— Retconned, retconned, retconned, killed.
WHY DID CH’P DIE?
— Because Gerard Jones hates you.
WHAT WAS THE LAST ISSUE OF MARVEL’S STAR WARS SERIES LIKE?
— Long, badly printed with the never-perfected Flexograph method, and currently way overpriced.
WHO IS SPEEDBALL?
— The superhero who killed John Belushi.
HOW DID ARKKIS CHUMMICK DIE?
— He died while being drawn by Gil Kane, which is the only way to go.
WHAT WAS “THE DEATH OF CLARK KENT?”
— What should have been final proof to DC that you can’t catch lightning in a bottle twice.
WHY DOES SWAMP THING SUCK SO MUCH?
— Ask your mom, she’s the expert on s…oh, never mind.
WHAT IS THE CROW?
— A comic book that has a popularity level inversely proportionate to its quality. Popular with people who cut themselves.
WHY DID RON PERELMAN HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH COMICS?
— Money. Lots of it. Big ol’ barrels of it. At least for a while.
WHAT WAS THE DEAL WITH THE SUPERFRIENDS CARTOON?
— Well, it had Alex Toth on storyboards, but somehow, between the storyboarding and the actual animation, all the good was sucked out.
WHO WERE THOSE TWINS ON THE SUPERFRIENDS?
— Zan and Jayna. Or Jan and Zayna. Hell, I don’t know. They were from space, one could change into water, the other could change into an animal, and somehow Hanna-Barbara thought we’d rather see that than, say, Superman kicking ass. They’re currently appearing as occasional bumpers on Adult Swim.
WHAT WAS THE RED/BLUE SUPERMAN?
— Another classic Silver Age Superman story plundered for a modern Superman comic storyline that went on too long.
WHAT WAS UP WITH BANE/AZRAEL?
— Bane was apparently an attempt at getting Batman a Mexican wrestler for a super-villain, and Azrael started out as an attempt to show readers how unpleasant a more brutal Batman could be, and ended up with a series that ran much longer than sales warranted.
WHAT IS CAPTAIN CARROT?
— DC Comics’ attempt at creating a comic book series specifically designed to be licensed for animation. Unfortunately, Cartoon Network wasn’t invented yet.
WHAT ARE THE INVISIBLES?
— A cheap Matrix rip-off, if Grant Morrison was able to somehow travel backwards in time after seeing the first Matrix movie.
WHO IS JONAH HEX?
— A very peculiar old west hero published by DC Comics that, if he’d had any sense at all, would have cut off that stupid piece of flesh covering his mouth.
HOW MANY SWAMP THINGS HAVE THERE BEEN?
— Well, there was his first appearance in House of Secrets 92, then the 24-issue series that ran in the 70s, the 171-issue series (plus 6 annuals) that ran in the 80s & 90s, and that most recent series that ran 20 issues. Oh, and there was a Secret Files, and that “Roots” one-shot. So, I guess, 223 if you include the House of Secrets. Oh, are you counting reprints, too?
WHAT WAS ONSLAUGHT?
— A lame X-Men-centered crossover series that led into four Marvel titles being restarted and made worse than they were before. (“Avengers” recovered a year later, though.)
WHAT IS BATMAN?
— A rather basic, simplistic character that can’t possibly support a half-dozen monthly series, and yet that’s how many DC publishes.
WHAT IS LIBERTY MEADOWS?
— Bloom County with dirtier jokes. Nicely drawn, though.
WHAT IS FROM HELL?
— A massive graphic novel by Alan Moore and Eddie Campbell, discussing Jack the Ripper and Victorian society’s role in his formation, done in such detail that it would be a fool’s game to adapt it into a mov…huh? Really?
WHAT IS NINJA HIGH SCHOOL?
— Incomprehensible.
WHO IS ELEKTRA?
— A character that was better off dead.
WHO IS GEOFF JOHNS?
— A lucky, lucky S.O.B. (“he said jealously”).
WHO’S PAUL LEVITZ?
— Former publisher of “The Comics Reader” fanzine, who went on to pulp nearly an entire print run of the “Elseworlds 80 Page Giant” because of a story they ended up printing anyway.
WHAT WAS THE AGE OF APOCALYPSE?
— A series of mini-series that interrupted the regular X-Men continuity for no real good reason, although it still sells alarmingly well as a back issue. Even “Factor-X.”
WHAT IS MANGA?
— Cute girls in skirts fighting monsters, giant robots, or each other.
WHAT WAS WEB OF SPIDER-MAN?
— Mostly a waste of time, though some early issues had Peter David writing, and some Charles Vess work.
WHO IS ANARKY?
— Batman villain with a disturbingly long neck that somehow warranted a predictably short-lived series.
WHAT WAS KNIGHT’S END?
— DC’s version of Marvel’s Spider-Clone Saga…their attempt to drive away as many Batman readers as possible.
WHAT DOES THE “X” IN “X-MEN” STAND FOR?
— It’s the Roman numeral representation of approximately how many X-Men related titles are on the stands at any given time.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY X-MEN BOOKS?
— Because Marvel doesn’t think the market’s been diluted enough.
IS OR IS NOT RIVERDALE A FREE LOVE ENCLAVE?
— Nothing’s free in Riverdale.
