Here he comes, here comes Progressive Ruin, he’s a demon on Previews, as we once again take a look through the industry catalog to see what’s ahead of us on the funnybook racetrack. Grab your copy of the June 2014 Diamond Previews, leave this tortured introduction behind, and let’s gaze into the world that’s coming:
p. 94 – Star Spangled War Stories Featuring G.I. Zombie #2:
Man, if anything called out for one of those 3D covers, it’s this trial run for DC’s “Giant Phallic Symbol Cover Month!”
p. 111 – Harley Quinn #9 & #10:
Two issues scheduled for the month? Well, that’s one way DC can catch up with Marvel.
p. 158 – Cerebus High Society Digital/Audio Experience:
Dave Sim reading Cerebus to you, doing all the different voices, plus sound effects and music and such, while the panels progress before you, all on DVD.
This has inspired a similar project from me, “The Progressive Ruin Experience,” where I’ll just come to your homes and read off old website posts to you. And eat your food. And probably rifle through your wallets and purses when you aren’t looking. INVITE ME IN.
p. 233 – Spawn #246:
You know how I’m usually against constant reboots and restarting series with new first issues and all that? Well, for certain cases, I’d make an exception.
p. 254 – Momeye the Sailor Scout #1:
“She’s Momeye the Sailor Scout! She’s Momeye the Sailor Scout! She gets her bravado from fresh avocados, she’s Momeye the Sailor Scout! In this action/comedy from Fred Perry, Magical Sailor Scout Momeye and her best frenemy, Bruta buddy-brawl their way though one adventure after another. It’s not just gender-bent, it’s gender-punched through the celiing!”
I…I, uh…um…I don’t….
…Okay, you got me. I can’t resist a Popeye parody. But someone’s going to pay for “she gets her bravado from fresh avocados” — and I think that someone…is all of us.
p. 415 – Soul of the Dark Knight SC:
Finally detailing those lost early years of Bruce Wayne during his time at Motown.
p. 419 – Doctor Who The Official Guide on How to Be A Timelord HC:
First, be fictional. Next, um, wear a fez, I think. And be all timey…wimey, right? Is that it? Then kidnap innocent people and make them travel in time with you. And get a robot dog, but surely that goes without saying.
p. 421 – Star Wars in 100 Scenes:
NOTE: all scenes personally reedited by George Lucas to match his final, final vision of the films. Greedo shooting Lando during the Death Star II battle. Ewoks dancing and singing before Senator Palpatine at the Hoth rebel base. Chewbacca running over Jar Jar with Luke’s landspeeder while being chased by the Geonosian army. Biggs is everywhere. The Return of the Jedi post-credit sequence, with the rise of Darth Yoda, his little ears sticking out from either side of his black helmet. All of your favorite moments, featured in this exciting volume!
p. 425 – Marvel Chess Collection Absorbing Man:
Unfortunately, this piece tends to confuse things by turning light or dark depending on what square he’s on.
p. 434 – Doctor Who Stacked Tenth Doctor White T-shirt:
Ah, so it is “timey-wimey.” Also, Time Lord skeletons look weird.
p. 436 – Previews Exclusive Clothing spot ad:
Okay, I wasn’t paying attention when I turned the page, and had my hand covering up part of this image when I looked down and I thought, very briefly, that Diamond was selling shirts with this logo. Not sure if I’m relieved or disappointed by the truth.
p. 442 – Hawkeye Minimalist T-Shirt:
“Hey, I like purple books, too!”
“Uh, that’s not….”
“Dude, I thought Snake Eye’s mask was silver.”
“I don’t like that your shirt’s telling me to look down at your crotch, you weirdo.”
“BUT IT’S NOT…AUGH”
p. 448 – The Big Bang Theory “I Love Soft Kitty” Black Boxers:
This doesn’t say very good things about me, but “Soft Kitty” was not the first term I associated with that cat face.
p. 455 – Batman Classic TV Series Batman Vinyl Bank:
[drops coins into Best Batman Bank]
“Well done, old chum! It is always wise to put away a little money…for a rainy day.”
“Did…did you just talk to me, Best Batman Bank?”
“Of course, citizen! Open communication is the hallmark of a healthy society!”
“I…I love you, Best Batman Bank.”
p. 460 – Marvel The Infinity Gauntlet Bank & Gold Pewter Keyring:
Okay, bank, fine. Keyring, fine. How ’bout an actual wearable Infinity Gauntlet? This was close, I think, but, like, something affordable. And make it quick, this dishwashing glove with the marbles glued to it isn’t going to last much longer.
Marvel Previews p. 38 – Iron Fist The Living Weapon #5:
…well, maybe not.
p. 63 – Wolverine #12:
Will this be the end for any future Wolverine #1s? Find out in next month’s Wolverine #1!