Progressive Ruin presents…the End of Civilization.

§ September 1st, 2011 § Filed under End of Civilization § 26 Comments

Is it true…? Could it be…? Yes, it is…it’s the End of Civilization, as I work through the newest Diamond Previews catalog and point at things and crack wise about them. It’s all in good fun, folks. Plus, if I don’t get it out here, I’ll take it out on my customers or on Employee Aaron, and nobody wants that. Especially Employee Aaron. So grab your September 2011 edition of Previews and follow along! And before you say anything, yeah, I didn’t include Green Arrow. Not enough…um, well, you’ll see.

p. 28-29 – Angel & Faith #4 & Buffy the Vampire Slayer Season 9 #3:

…But not in any of the listed credits of the folks actually working on the books. He simply hovers above them, a ghostly divine presence, inspiring them with his magical essence.

p. 42-43 – Kull: The Cat and the Skull #2 & Solomon Kane Volume 3 Red Shadows TP:

Ooh, considering how the movie did, you might want to downplay that part a bit.

p. 64 – Aquaman #3:


p. 76 – Batman #3:

Ooh, more blood!

p. 83 – Catwoman #3:

And yet more blood!

p. 89 – Green Lantern Corps #3:

Impalings! And blood!

p. 91 – Red Lanterns #3:

Look at all that blood!

p. 96 – I, Vampire #3:

Blood via axing!

p. 101 – Suicide Squad #3:

…And in conclusion: blood! Please donate it where you work or bank. Thank you.

p. 113 – DC Comics Presents Elseworlds 80-Page Giant #1:

Oh, great, now they’re releasing it? I flew to England where they were accidentally distributed in order to buy multiple copies for investment, and now they’re worth nothing! NOTHING! How am I supposed to pay for my new driveway now?

NOTE: not making a joke, really. Just venting over something stupid someone once said in my comments. Don’t mind me.

p. 226 – Billy Tucci: A Child Is Born one-shot:

Finally, the life story of Billy Tucci, in comic bo…wait, what? Really? …Oh. Never mind.

p. 230 – Archie Cyber Adventures TP:

Archie waits for his Windows Updates to finish downloading! Betty tries out Chatroulette, and you’ll never believe what she finds! What is the mystery of the black van parked outside Mr. Weatherbee’s house? Hot Dog is on Twitter, and Jughead is steamed that he has fewer followers! Who is the mysterious “D.D.” behind “Riverdaleleaks?”

p. 260 – Decision 2012:

Basically, a “straw poll” for comic fans…the publisher will tally up the preorders and announce the numbers, with the highest-ordered book being the “winner.” Books that don’t get at least 1,500 orders won’t be printed.

Oh, thank goodness, that Obama comic book drought was a rough one to ride out.

What is it that she keeps looking at off-panel?

At one point in his business career, Mr. Cain oversaw the operations of a number of Burger Kings. I only bring this up because I want this comic to be about Herman Cain and the Burger King going out on adventures. I don’t care if it’s not true.

Why this man hasn’t exploited his name to get that valuable Monty Python Fan vote, I have no idea.

Ooh, shame about that 1,500 preorder barrier, Jon. Better luck next time.

Hey, why do the pages suddenly go blank halfway through?

Don’t worry, Ron, I’m sure your comic will demonstrate the free market in action.

Like politically-themed comics? Don’t worry, there’s paw-lenty more where those came from!

I just want them to explain the name “Mitt.” …On second thought, don’t. Let the world have a little mystery in it.

Santorum was always my favorite Kirby Monster.

p. 348 – The Classic Marvel Figurine Collection Magazine Special: M.O.D.O.K.:

On the other hand, I think M.O.D.O.K. would make a great President.

p. 353 – Star Wars Shadow Games MMPB:

Is it weird to think about the Star Wars Universe having “pop stars?” The movies are so caught up in magical superbeings and royal leaders and big space battles that a concept as relatively mundane as a “pop star” seems hopelessly out of place. …Would Star Wars Universe pop stars wear clothing reminiscent of the Empire (maybe even a Vader-esque helmet) to give themselves that counter-cultural veneer that would attract youth and outrage parents?

p. 373 – Thor’s Hammer Sculpted Bottle Opener:

You can pretty much just make up your own joke about using this to open beer bottles so you can “get hammered.”

p. 385 – Mr. Potato Head: Star Trek – Kirk/Kor Set:

Is that Mr. Potato Kirk’s real hair? Only his chef knows for sure.

p. 390 – Dazzler Statue:

Not pointing this out to make fun…just wanted to state that they picked the best possible base for this statue.

p. 403 – S.H. Monster Arts: Godzilla Action Figure:

Oh dear, when you start needing a walker for your atomic breath, it’s probably time to retire, don’cha know.

p. 404 – Ikki Tousen: Ryofu Housen “Maid Suntan Version” PVC Figure:

That’s an awfully specific name for a figure that’s basically “Naked Submissive Chick in an Apron.”

p. 411 – Pez Presidents of the United States Volume 1 Gift Set:

You don’t want to know where the candy comes out of the Bill Clinton dispenser.

p. 426 – Metallica Collector’s Edition Monopoly:

Pretty sure there are still people in the JAIL square doin’ time on the Napster rap.

p. 432- Smallville The Complete Series DVD Set:

Relieve those ten years waiting for Clark Kent to turn into Superman. Hey, maybe it’ll turn out differently this time!

26 Responses to “Progressive Ruin presents…the End of Civilization.”

  • ExistentialMan says:

    You need to apply for that open staff writer position on “The Daily Show” now!

    M.O.D.O.K. for President? A M.O.D.O.K./Howard the Duck ticket is just what this country needs.

  • Roger Green says:

    This is almost certainly the most disturbing EoC I’ve read. Between the blood, the French maid’s outfit and the realization that one of those people (or Rick Perry, god help us) will be President in 2013 is quite depressing.

  • John says:

    Somewhere Tim Pawlenty sits with 1,500 copies of his comic book and says “See, I’m on a comic book..just like Obama! I’m cool, the kids love me!” then he bursts into tears.

  • Becs says:

    My vote would go to Godzilla. Atomic breath is just the coolest or is it the hottest, no, its the most expressive, um, the most effective. Look, he just rulz OK.

  • John says:

    Also, the only way I would ever buy a Rick Santorum comic book was if I knew the word “frothy” was used repeatedly.

  • Joe S. Walker says:

    Roger Green: I wouldn’t take it for granted about those people. Who’d heard of Bill Clinton in 1991?

    I thought that was Wolverine on the Batman cover – or to be more exact, I thought it was a Wolverine comic till I saw its caption.

  • Joe S. Walker says:

    P.S. That Green Lantern Corps cover has a certain resemblance to scenes from the film “Cannibal Holocaust”. But in the film the stakes were clearly entering at the impalees’ rectums and coming out of their mouths. DC has some standard of taste.

  • Shinwell Johnson says:

    “Who’d heard of Bill Clinton in 1991?”

    People who’d watched, or read about, the 1988 Democratic convention, in which Clinton gave a notorious speech nominating Dukakis. Or people who saw Clinton soon afterwards on THE TONIGHT SHOW, where he went to make self-deprecating jokes about said speech. Or simply anyone who was paying attention to the presidential campaign–Clinton DID announce his candidacy in 1991.

  • Bully says:

    Also, Hillary Clinton.

  • Ike Iszany says:

    On “I Vampire”…why is Submariner chopping another Submariner in half using the wrong end of an axe?

  • g23 says:

    Blood is apparently this decade’s Liefield-spit-mouth thing.

  • Potomac Ripper says:

    If that Dazzler statue had her on rollerskates….it would go straight to a place of privilege in my geek cave.

  • philip says:

    I want to read Riverdaleleaks right damn now.

  • Adam Farrar says:

    To think before today, I’d never heard of the PEZ Educational Series. I wonder what else that chalky little candy can teach me about.

  • Andrew says:

    If only PEZ would come out with a PRESIDENT PREZ PEZ dispenser for their American Presidents series.

  • Jim Hague says:

    MODOC would make a great president, but only during the elections. After all, he’s a Mental Organism Designed Only for Campaigning.

  • Rob March says:

    A Clinton joke? Did you dust off a box of them in the back room? And if you’re playing blue, you could have gone for a Grover Cleveland joke (from a variety of approaches)…now that’s some sepia-toned humour.

  • Mikester says:


  • Andrew Leal says:

    To me, the big news about Pres PEZ is that my dream of William Howard Taft toy-like merchandise might at last be fulfilled. Of course, I wouldn’t count on there being any candy left when he’s through. (Oh ho ho ho!)

    Rob: There’s also Warren Harding. Take the entendres, please.

  • Casie says:

    Thanks Mike, I’ll be thinking about that Godzilla one for the rest of the day. Tee hee hee….humor. Vote for M.O.D.O.K.!

  • CW says:

    Are the clothes on that “Maid Suntan Version” figure removable? Not that I want to know, mind you. A friend does. Yeah, a friend. ;)

  • David G says:

    Tell me I’m not the only one who saw that M.O.D.O.K statue and thought “M.O.D.O.K must be really regretting that chilli he had for lunch now”.

    It’s not only me is it?

  • Roger Green says:

    Well, I actually knew about Bill Clinton in 1991. Didn’t think he’d WIN, mind you…
    And if not these folks, then who? Chris Christie? Paul Ryan? Donald Trump? Don’t think so.

  • A.L. Baroza says:

    Damn you, David G, you beat me to the punch!

    I was thinking more Taco Bell, though.

  • Tom Mason says:

    Wow. That’s a lot of blood. DC ought to change their name to ER.

  • David G says:

    A.L. Baroza – well at least there are 2 of us who think that way. We should form a club.