Is it true…? Could it be…? Yes, it is…it’s the End of Civilization, as I work through the newest Diamond Previews catalog and point at things and crack wise about them. It’s all in good fun, folks. Plus, if I don’t get it out here, I’ll take it out on my customers or on Employee Aaron, and nobody wants that. Especially Employee Aaron. So grab your September 2011 edition of Previews and follow along! And before you say anything, yeah, I didn’t include Green Arrow. Not enough…um, well, you’ll see.
p. 28-29 – Angel & Faith #4 & Buffy the Vampire Slayer Season 9 #3:
…But not in any of the listed credits of the folks actually working on the books. He simply hovers above them, a ghostly divine presence, inspiring them with his magical essence.
p. 42-43 – Kull: The Cat and the Skull #2 & Solomon Kane Volume 3 Red Shadows TP:
Ooh, considering how the movie did, you might want to downplay that part a bit.
p. 64 – Aquaman #3:
p. 76 – Batman #3:
Ooh, more blood!
p. 83 – Catwoman #3:
And yet more blood!
p. 89 – Green Lantern Corps #3:
Impalings! And blood!
p. 91 – Red Lanterns #3:
Look at all that blood!
p. 96 – I, Vampire #3:
Blood via axing!
p. 101 – Suicide Squad #3:
…And in conclusion: blood! Please donate it where you work or bank. Thank you.
p. 113 – DC Comics Presents Elseworlds 80-Page Giant #1:
Oh, great, now they’re releasing it? I flew to England where they were accidentally distributed in order to buy multiple copies for investment, and now they’re worth nothing! NOTHING! How am I supposed to pay for my new driveway now?
NOTE: not making a joke, really. Just venting over something stupid someone once said in my comments. Don’t mind me.
p. 226 – Billy Tucci: A Child Is Born one-shot:
Finally, the life story of Billy Tucci, in comic bo…wait, what? Really? …Oh. Never mind.
p. 230 – Archie Cyber Adventures TP:
Archie waits for his Windows Updates to finish downloading! Betty tries out Chatroulette, and you’ll never believe what she finds! What is the mystery of the black van parked outside Mr. Weatherbee’s house? Hot Dog is on Twitter, and Jughead is steamed that he has fewer followers! Who is the mysterious “D.D.” behind “Riverdaleleaks?”
p. 260 – Decision 2012:
Basically, a “straw poll” for comic fans…the publisher will tally up the preorders and announce the numbers, with the highest-ordered book being the “winner.” Books that don’t get at least 1,500 orders won’t be printed.
Oh, thank goodness, that Obama comic book drought was a rough one to ride out.
What is it that she keeps looking at off-panel?
At one point in his business career, Mr. Cain oversaw the operations of a number of Burger Kings. I only bring this up because I want this comic to be about Herman Cain and the Burger King going out on adventures. I don’t care if it’s not true.
Why this man hasn’t exploited his name to get that valuable Monty Python Fan vote, I have no idea.
Ooh, shame about that 1,500 preorder barrier, Jon. Better luck next time.
Hey, why do the pages suddenly go blank halfway through?
Don’t worry, Ron, I’m sure your comic will demonstrate the free market in action.
Like politically-themed comics? Don’t worry, there’s paw-lenty more where those came from!
I just want them to explain the name “Mitt.” …On second thought, don’t. Let the world have a little mystery in it.
Santorum was always my favorite Kirby Monster.
p. 348 – The Classic Marvel Figurine Collection Magazine Special: M.O.D.O.K.:
On the other hand, I think M.O.D.O.K. would make a great President.
p. 353 – Star Wars Shadow Games MMPB:
Is it weird to think about the Star Wars Universe having “pop stars?” The movies are so caught up in magical superbeings and royal leaders and big space battles that a concept as relatively mundane as a “pop star” seems hopelessly out of place. …Would Star Wars Universe pop stars wear clothing reminiscent of the Empire (maybe even a Vader-esque helmet) to give themselves that counter-cultural veneer that would attract youth and outrage parents?
p. 373 – Thor’s Hammer Sculpted Bottle Opener:
You can pretty much just make up your own joke about using this to open beer bottles so you can “get hammered.”
p. 385 – Mr. Potato Head: Star Trek – Kirk/Kor Set:
Is that Mr. Potato Kirk’s real hair? Only his chef knows for sure.
p. 390 – Dazzler Statue:
Not pointing this out to make fun…just wanted to state that they picked the best possible base for this statue.
p. 403 – S.H. Monster Arts: Godzilla Action Figure:
Oh dear, when you start needing a walker for your atomic breath, it’s probably time to retire, don’cha know.
p. 404 – Ikki Tousen: Ryofu Housen “Maid Suntan Version” PVC Figure:
That’s an awfully specific name for a figure that’s basically “Naked Submissive Chick in an Apron.”
p. 411 – Pez Presidents of the United States Volume 1 Gift Set:
You don’t want to know where the candy comes out of the Bill Clinton dispenser.
p. 426 – Metallica Collector’s Edition Monopoly:
Pretty sure there are still people in the JAIL square doin’ time on the Napster rap.
p. 432- Smallville The Complete Series DVD Set:
Relieve those ten years waiting for Clark Kent to turn into Superman. Hey, maybe it’ll turn out differently this time!