Progressive Ruin presents…the End of Civilization.
It’s a new year, which means all new signs of the End of Civilization that is surely coming soon, as foretold in that most mystical of tomes, the Diamond Previews catalog. Get out your copy of the January 2019 edition and follow along:
p. 85 – Hardcore #4:
Four issues in and still no George C. Scott.
p. 115 – William Gibson’s Alien 3 #5:
COMING SOON: Debbie Gibson’s ALIEN: Electric Xenomorph.
p. 122 – Hellboy The Art of the Motion Picture HC:
Phew, thank goodness they killed that previous underperforming series of del Toro Hellboy movies in favor of this billion-dollar blockbuster.
p. 135 – Disney Hamlet, Starring Donald Duck TP:
Oh for this to be animated, to hear Donald give the whole “To be or not to be” soliloquy in that voice, to see him fly into a rage as he’s killin’ folks. But I do hope in the comic that Yorick’s skull is Goofy’s.
p. 170 – Uncle Scrooge #43:
Boy, Dark Horse is doing Disney books, IDW is doing Disney comics, Fantagraphics has their Disney reprint series…Disney should really think about buying a comic book company.
p. 190 – The Six Million Dollar Man #1:
Someone at Dynamite looked into the feasibility of doing six miliion variant covers on this, I’m sure.
p. 304 – Star Wars Obi-Wan & Anakin A Choose Your Destiny Adventure SC:
“Ooh, yeah, maybe this time I’ll choose not to leap down at a guy holding a laser sword. Maybe that’ll work out better.”
p. 433 – Mister Miracle Escape God World Tour T-Shirt:
Thought this was some sort of pro-atheist slogan shirt at first.
p. M16 – Legends in 3D Movie Jack Sparrow Half-Scale Resin Bust:
Relive your enjoyment of the one and only Pirates of the Caribbean movie with this handsome piece…hmm? Yes, the only movie, that’s correct.
p. M124 – Star Wars Authentic Blind Autographed Photo Box:
But won’t the autographs be all crooked and sloppy? Because, you know, they can’t see what they’re…look, I took a month off from these, I’m still a bit rusty.
DC Previews p. 4 – Detective Comics #1000:
Okay, like Action #1000…does this include the #0 issue and the #1,000,000 issue? Because it’d be, like, #1002, right? I swear, this is the whole “the 21st century starts on January 1st, 2001” thing again.
DC Previews p. 12 – Second Coming #1:
“Witness the return of Jesus Christ, as He is sent on a most holy mission by God to learn what it takes to be the true messiah of mankind by becoming roommates with the world’s favorite savior: the all-powerful super hero Sun-Man, the Last Son of Krispex! But when Christ returns to Earth, he’s shocked to discover what has become of his gospel-and now, he aims to set the record straight.”
Okay, now can we get that Rick Veitch “Swamp Thing Meets Jesus” story in print already?
DC Previews p. 15 – American Carnage #5:
Enjoying this counterpoint to Marvel’s Commie pinko Carnage comics.
DC Previews p. 41 – Mad Magazine #7:
Please please please let this be bound into the magazine like the Mad comic reprints were in the old Mad Specials so that they’re nigh-impossible to remove without wrecking everything. Let a new generation suffer as we did.
DC Previews p. 77 – Zero Hour 25th Anniversary Omnibus:
Yes, it’s been 25 years of DC not fixing what they broke right after Crisis. I was going to make a joke about “oh I’m so old, this was so long ago, the grave looms before me” but I’m pretty sure I’ve been rebooted at some point, so I’m okay.
Marvel Previews p. 27 – Cosmic Ghost Rider Destroys Marvel History #1:
Revealed at last, the reason marvel forgot Kirby even existed for most the 1980s.
Marvel Previews p. 42 – Incredible Hulk #181 Facsimile Edition:
Hopefully half of these will have the Marvel Value Stamp cut out for true authenticity.
Marvel Previews p. 61 – Old Man Quill #1:
Clearly the counter to this trend of “Old Man [Character]” comics is, like, “Young Man Vulture” or something. (Well, I guess Trouble was basically “Young Woman Aunt May.” Remember Trouble? You really shouldn’t.)
Marvel Previews p. 98 – Color Your Own Avengers 2:
I don’t know about this rebranding of Marvel’s “Essentials” line.
Marvel Previews p. 104 – Silver Surfer Parable 30th Anniversary Edition HC:
$40 for an 88-page hardcover? This book better have a cover that lights up with the “power cosmic” at the touch of a button to justify that price.
Personal controversial fan opinion I will fight for: the second and third PoTC films were among the best commercial fantasy films of the 2000s, and the received opinion that their plot was confusing comes from snobbish media film critics who felt annoyed that a “popcorn movie” expected them to pay attention to it.
Barring the totally disposable and racist “cannibal island” section of the second film, of course.
A “Trouble” reference.
Sure didn’t expect to hear about that bad idea ever again.
I was unaware of this “Hamlet” thing before reading this post, and still know nothing about it beyond that cover, so probably I am missing something that has been clearly stated elsewhere, but…
…the cover certainly implies, if it does not state outright, that the Ghost is Scrooge McDuck.
Shouldn’t he be Claudius? Scrooge is Donald’s uncle, and Claudius is Hamlet’s uncle. This should, properly, be a story about Scrooge murdering Donald’s father and marrying his mother.
Yorick was the court jester, so Goofy would be good casting, but I expect him to get a bigger role–Osric, most likely.. So, who else should be in the cast? Mickey as Horatio, I suppose. Daisy as Ophelia, obviously (with a recreation of the Millais painting of her drowning). Ludwig von Drake as Polonius, maybe–his endless lecturing being the closest analogue that occurs to me for Polonius’s long-winded speeches. Moby Duck as the Sea Captain, obviously. Gladstone Gander as Fortinbras, the only character in the play who might be described as lucky (his army happens to arrive in Denmark just as the royal family is busy killing itself off).
How about Chip and Dale as Rosencrantz and Guildenstern?
You’re dating yourself with that Debbie Gibson reference, as am I for calling you on it.
Luckily I never cut out any of my Marvel value stamps because I wasn’t going to do so without finding out what they were good for, and I was never able to find an answer…