Progressive Ruin presents…the End of Civilization.
From out of my brain, through my fingers, into my keyboard, and out on your screen…it’s the latest installment of the End of Civilization, where I plow though the monthly Diamond Previews catalog and point out items of particular note. If you have your own copy of said Previews (the September 2017 edition, to be precise), you can follow along with me, as I present at least one joke directly stolen from Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie:
p. 74-7 – Doomsday Clock #1:
Look, I already made my big joke about this series a few days ago. So…um, what if the series is about Doctor Manhattan and Superman teaming up to stop a giant clock from destroying the Earth? Yeah, that’s funny, right…? …No, huh. Look, I also gave you the “Manhattan has stolen Superman’s shorts” gag, what more do you want.
p. 88 – Batwoman #9:
Ah, Kathy’s Freddy Krueger cosplay:
p. 136 – Shazam The New Beginning 30th Anniversary HC:
Put a lenticular cover on this of C.C. Beck just shaking his head.
p. 147 – Batman Black & White Spy Vs. Spy as Batman by Peter Kuper Statue:
If the Internet suddenly becomes self-aware and threatens to destroy humanity, just have Captain Kirk show it this statue and hopefully that’ll cause it to break down out of confusion.
p. 191 – Coyotes #1:
Finally, a super-team of all my favorite coyotes:
…wait, how’s that again? …Oh. Well, uh, I’m sure this comic will be great, anyway.
p. 275 – How The Trump Stole Christmas:
I’m beginning to sense a slightly different tone in the Trump-exploitation comics vs. all those Obama comics.
p. 294 – Kong on the Planet of the Apes #1:
ATTENTION GUYS ‘n’ GALS AT BOOM! STUDIOS: I will totally write the Every Which Way But Loose/Planet of the Apes crossover. C’mon…”Right turn, Clyde!” [Clyde smacks General Ursus right in the face.] …You know how to reach me.
p. 295 – Big Trouble in Little China The Game:
Do not pass GO, do not collect Jack’s tru–oh, this isn’t Monopoly? Look, that’s my one format for End of Civilization board game jokes. You get what you get.
p. 328 – Elvira Mistress of the Dark Spectral Switchboard:
“See…it’s going…right…for her…boobs….”
“No…it’s moving…to her legs….”
“DANG IT CHAD, QUIT HOGGING THE PLANCHETTE”
p. 362 – Trump’s Titans Vs. Fidget Spinner Force #1:
“Gran’pa? What was the year 2017 like?”
[Old Man Mike pulls a dusty copy of Trump’s Titans Vs. Fidget Spinner Force #1 out of his worn and battered trunk. He shows it to the gathered children.]
“It…it was just like this. Read it…if you dare learn…the truth.”
(Oh, by the way, the preceding dialogue all takes place in 2019.)
p. 364 – Gumby Volume 1 GN:
p. 398 – Chasing Hitler #1:
The sequel to Chasing Amy you never expected.
p. 469 – Oh My God, They Printed That?!:
In case you’re wondering what goes through my mind as I actually sit down to do the monthly comics order, versus doing a pass through for End of Civilization jokes.
p. 473 – Star Trek The Book of Lists HC:
“Ten Reasons Why You’re Supposed to Buy Kirk and Spock as Best Friends in the New Trek Movies Even Though There’s Not Really Anything in Those Films That Supports It”
“…Mike.”
“LOOK, THAT BUGS ME”
p. 473 – The Physics of Star Wars SC:
“So how was Hosnian Prime’s destruction in The Force Awakens visible to an entirely different solar system?”
“That…that’s not really what the book’s about. It’s about real world physics being applied to Star Wars concepts and how they could and could not w….”
“So you don’t know.”
“Okay, look, Wookiepedia says that happened because of…phantom energy? …Really?”
“Well, I guess you got something for your next book, then.”
p. 501 – Marvel Select Black Panther Movie Action Figure:
Black Panther is totally teaming up with a Horta in his movie! This is going to be awesome!
p. 511 – DC Teekeez Stackable Vinyl Tiki Figures:
“LEONA HELMSLEY?”
“WALTON GOGGINS?”
p. 520 – Edward Scissorhands – Scissorhands 1/1-Scale Replia:
1/1-Scale Impaled Vincent Price not included.
p. 525 – Star Wars Kenner-Inspired Early Bird Jumbo Action Figure 4-Piece Set:
I’m tempted by this, but I’d probably be shorted Artoo again.
p. 532 – Pop! Mystery Science Theater 3000 Vinyl Figures:
No Gypsy? No Cambot? No Gerry and Sylvia? No Mr. B. Natural? No Torgo? No TV’s Frank? No Timmy? No Hamdingers? No Jack Perkins? No Gamera? No Joe Don Baker? No Demon Dogs? No Nuveena? Well well well, Mr. Funko Pop! Smith, Esq., I think you have your work cut out for you. I expect all these on my desk by Friday.
p. 586 – Deadpool Plate Set:
“Eat all your food, Little Billy, and you’ll see Deadpool staring back at you!”
[Little Billy never eats again.]
p. 586 – Deadpool Teapot:
“I’m a little Deadpool
Short and stout
Here is my handle
Here is yet another spinoff series starring me as various kitchenwares”
p. 588 – Breaking Bad RV Incense Burner:
The saddest fate for Barbie’s Dream Motorhome.
p. 589- A Christmas Story The Party Game:
So the object of the game is to not shoot your eye out while sticking your tongue to a pole, dressed in a bunny suit and also fighting over a leg lamp. Well, that’s the tradition in my household.
Mike, I am a representative of BOOM! studios and I am here to offer you a lucrative amounts of money to write the Every Which Way But Loose/ Planet of the Apes Crossover
I need your bank account and social security numbers so I can transfer this onscenely large advance to you
That Gumby joke made my day.
Ooh! Maybe Star Wars Physics can explain the noises that Tie Fighters make in a vacuum!
*fingers crossed that The Rock Lords are in Black Panther*
My comments are… Unconventional.
– “p. 191 – Coyotes #1”
“Something ugly happened here, said the border patrol, but since there were no bodies, the whole thing was easy to write off. What did [the “coyote” smuggler] do with the bodies? According to El Tequila, he ate them, that’s how crazy and evil he was, although Haas doubted there was anyone capable of wolfing down eight illegal immigrants, no matter how demented or ravenous he might be.” (Roberto Bolaño, 2666)
– “p. 294 – Kong on the Planet of the Apes #1”
Next: “King Kong vs. Donkey Kong” (Barrels of laughs!)
– “p. 362 – Trump’s Titans Vs. Fidget Spinner Force #1”
Gasp, what is he doing to those View-Master collectibles?
– “p. 364 – Gumby Volume 1 GN”
“Daddy, what does that even mean, 50 shades of clay?”
“Ahm… It’s for mommies, so ask your mommy.”
– “p. 520 – Edward Scissorhands – Scissorhands 1/1-Scale Replia”
You’re gonna run with that title?
Oh, man, that Gumby joke. Fantastic!
Black Panther got gap.
I ***completely*** agree with you about the Kirk-Spock friendship problem. Spock’s anger in INTO DARKNESS is entirely undeserved, which ruins the ending.
My daughter is 10 years old. Sometimes she comes with me to walk the dog. I don’t have a set route so when I decide to turn a corner I say “Right turn, Clyde.” Her eyes roll so hard you can hear them hit the top of her skull. I will never stop.
BOYD CROWDER!