I was...otherwise occupied yesterday, so I neglected to mention that the latest installment of my
"Behind the Counter" column (in which I discuss the eBay at annoying length) is up over at the
new Comic Book Galaxy. L@@K! H@T SEXY RARE VARIANT!
Found via...um, well, I found it somewhere on the internet, I just don't know where:
SF Weekly interviews the heavy metal musician Thor, and asks him how he would fare in battle not just with other rock and roll legends, but with Marvel Comics' The Mighty Thor as well! (URL may not be safe for work, though the page itself is...well, aside from the title.)
Now all good comic-weblog-reading humans should already be reading the essential
Neilalien. But I'm gonna link to him anyway, as one of my favorite things that Neilalien does is his occasional in-depth technical explanations about the way his site works, and how other people can improve their own sites. (For example, I faithfully use the "cite" HTML tag when appropriate, solely due to
this post of Mr. Alien's.) The latest example can be found
here, where Neilalien discusses the problems of trying to search his site for discussions of the comic book
Top Ten as opposed to "top 10 lists," as well as his solution to said problem. Interesting stuff, particularly if you hand-tool your own page.
I stumbled across this the other day, as I was doing some Googling around: an
informational document from 2002 on Archie Comics' company and demographics. For a second I thought "wow, I found secret stuff!" -- but no, it's accessible from the
main page, though a few menus deep. There are a couple neat things to learn, like that it could cost up to about 12 grand to advertise inside an Archie, or on one of the covers for up to $18,000.
Here are a few choice quotes from that document, describing the Archie brand of comics:
"Major television shows such as Beverly Hills 90210 and Happy Days were modeled on ARCHIE and his pals out of recognition of the success of this property"
"...Interest has been expressed by several organizations to revive the ARCHIES [musical] group"
"The ARCHIE property is hot because of the current resurgence of family values and the desire of parents to find good, wholesome and safe entertainment for their kids"
"An NBC prime-time live action movie of the week showcased ARCHIE and his pals and the movie has been released on video"
"ARCHIE and his pals are a multimedia force which continue to receive untold exposure"
The rest of the document is devoted to brief descriptions of the Archie cast, a history of the company, and a trivia quiz. (No explanation as to what happened to Jughead's cousin Souphead, however.)

So long, Bob.
CRISIS ON EVERY EARTH EVER, CHAPTER FIVE"Lo, If This Be A Clash of the Titans!"
"Look out, Aquaman!"
The rubble came crashing down to earth, and Aquaman, hearing Speedball's warning just in the nick of time, was able to dive out of the way.

Far above, the source of the rubble - Hyperion and Superman, flying back and forth across the sky almost faster than the eye could follow, pulverizing the huge chunks of rock hurtling from orbit. But even as fast as they were, some of the meteors were still getting through, still crashing into Metropolis.
"Take my hand, Arthur," said Wonder Woman, helping Aquaman up to his feet. "Superman and his cross-dimensional counterpart are doing their best, but they're only treating the symptoms, not the disease."
"Everyone, listen!" Wonder Woman's shout echoed across the mostly-abandoned Metropolis streets, and the heroes of several parallel dimensions turned their attention to her. "It's clear that sheer force will not win the day! We must join together, in body and in spirit, and take the battle to the source! Who's with me?"
A couple dozen heroes immediately rushed to Wonder Woman's side, eager to assist in whatever way possible, including Kid Flash, the Human Torch, Doctor Solar, Worf, the Green Ranger, Light Lass, Tenspeed
and Brownshoe, and many others.
"Those of you who can fly, help those who can't!" commanded Wonder Woman. "Now we must confront whoever is behind this evil...and if we are unable to beat him through force, we shall beat him...through the power of our love!"
"Shame about what happened to Wonder Woman's team," Spider-Man said sadly. The offices of the Daily Planet, usually bustling with busy reporters, was now a makeshift command center in the battle against the unknown forces that threatened the planet.
"There will be time to mourn later," noted Shrinking Violet. "We must think of something to do
right now."
"What she said," chimed in Kojak. "Supes and that other guy can only hold out for so long. We're licked if we can't come up with a pl...."
Suddenly a door slammed open, startling everyone. The Black Knight drew his sword. Frodo instinctively pawed for his ring, only to be stopped by Samwise. Jesus reached for his lightsaber.
A figure stood in the doorway, tall with flowing hair, features obscured by shadow.
Firestorm whispered "that...that can't be who I think it is, can it? I thought he was just a myth!"
"Oh, I'm
much more than a myth," said the mysterious figure. "I'm also...your only hope."
Meanwhile, at the Batcave....
"CRUD!" shouted Luke Cage. He was pacing back and forth behind Batman, who was hunched over the Bat-computer, furiously searching through database after database.
"Cage," warned Batman, "I need you to be quiet while I concentrate on this."
"Cut me some slack, Bats," came the retort. "We've been stuck in this freakin' cave for hours, with nuthin' for me to do but look at glass cases filled with your kid partners' outfits, while you've been trying to come up with some answers. You can't blame a guy for gettin' frustrated."

"I'm doing the best I can," replied Batman. Suddenly he slammed his fist on the computer console. "You're not the only one getting frustrated," he said quietly.
"Look," said Cage, consolingly, "I know it's been rough on both of us." He placed a strong hand on Batman's shoulder. "You do feel awfully tense. I think you need a massage." Cage started kneading Batman's shoulders, his super-strength easly pressing through Batman's Kevlar cape.
"No, don't, I need my frustration, my tension," protested the Dark Knight. "It fuels my passion in my war on crime."
"There are other kinds of passion," said Cage. He spun Batman's chair around so that they were facing each other. They glared into each other's eyes, neither giving any ground. Suddenly Batman looked away.
"I can't, I mustn't..." Batman whispered. "But...if a man can't feel love, then what are we all fighting for?" He reached up, grabbing Cage by the belt, and pulled him down, their lips close.
"Sweet...Christmas..." murmured Cage.
At the Daily Planet, the heroes gathered in a semi-circle around the doorway, gaping at the figure before them.
"Surely that's not..." stuttered Shadowman.
"He...he's
gorgeous!" exclaimed She-Hulk.
"What's going on? Who is it?" asked Daredevil.
Captain America stepped forward, holding his hand out to the mysterious visitor, who grasped it firmly. "This, Daredevil," he said, "is one of the greatest minds of our time. This is Spike Merling, the Smartest Man Alive."
"And the most
handsome," interjected the Huntress.
"There's not much time," announced Merling, pushing his long, blonde, and perfectly maintained hair out of his face, his shirt open to the waist to reveal his muscular chest. "Only
I can get you all out this mess, but you all must do exactly as I say, without hesitation, without question!"
"Oh, I'll do
everything you say," purred Catwoman.
At the Comicsweblog-o-Sphere, the giant golden globe hidden in a secret location, debate raged freely over what action should be taken during Earth's current crisis.
Tom the Dog, tail wagging furiously, insisted that drinking was the answer. The giant stone form of the Brill Building nodded his heavy head in agreement.
Magandh, the hideous two-headed mutant created in a lab accident, simply growled and shook three of its mighty fists in the air.
Polite Scott, the World's Nicest Doctor, looked up from treating Lefty Brown's massive left arm, injured in battle, and entreated his fellow members of the Comicsweblog-o-Sphere to please see reason,
see reason!
Suddenly Captain Corey charged into the meeting room. "I found them! The three people who can turn the tide of battle! The only people who are ultimately undefeatable, against whom the forces we battle can stand no chance!"

"Who? Who the !@&$! are these $&*##!ing heroes?" demanded Ringwood.
"I brought them with me," Captain Corey excitedly replied. "And here they are!" Three men entered the room, and flanked the Captain. "It's T.J. Hooker, Captain Kirk, and Denny Crane! Their combined forces will be unstoppable! No villain can stand against us!"
"Wait a minute," interrupted Dave Ex Machina, his metallic voice cutting through the chatter in the meeting room. "A cop, a starship captain,
and a lawyer? That's just silly."
"Yeah, you're right" added the extraterrestrial Neilalien. "Why, if this were, I don't know, some kind of
story someone was writing, I'd be hard-pressed to believe it."
Captain Corey shook his head. "You guys just don't get it. Even if it
were a story, something this cool wouldn't
have to make sense!"
So one of my latest projects at the shop has been to go through some of our action figure backstock and unload them on the eBay for rock bottom prices. Making money ain't the point; making
room is. But, in my storage area excavation escapades, I hit a vein of Skybolt figures.
"Skybolt figures," you say? "What in Sam Scratch's name are these 'Skybolt' figures you speak of?"
Well, it was a toy company that appeared to specialize in action figures based on female characters from small-press comic book companies. Here, let's enjoy a few.
First up is the Hellina "Light Up Eyes Edition" -

CLICK TO ENLARGEYeah, I know, but most of the figures from Skybolt tend to look like this. Anyway, the eyes are clear plastic, so they apparently do light up, though there's no way to check this myself since there's no hole in the back of the package to press the button that theoretically should be there. Listed accessories include a detachable cape, a "telekinetic" dagger:

...a "nether-dimensional" whip:

...and a power base:

So those may
look like an ordinary dagger, whip, and base, but don't be fooled!

CLICK TO ENGORGEMy memory of the Nira X character is that she had about a couple dozen series, each running about one or two issues long, with the publisher throwing #1s onto the market to take advantage of whatever bump in sales a first issue could get, rather than having one ongoing series with increasingly declining sales. She also popped up in Avatar's
Threshold anthology series. This figure isn't a bad representation, accurately duplicating Bill Maus' style. I will take issue with the description of that itsy-bitsy gun as a "plasma cannon" on the packaging. I see the word "cannon," I expect a big ol' honkin'
cannon, not that little hairdryer. Feh.

CLICK TO MAKE TEH SEXIEROkay, this one
isn't from Skybolt, but it's of a kind. Most notable is that the face appears to have been "squished," which may be hard to tell even in the larger scan, but take my word, it just looks peculiar. We also had the "nude" variant (which is
not pictured, you naughty, naughty people), where the top comes off to reveal the character's breastular area. The top had actually come loose in the package, which made it a little difficult to display in the store, as if having a package reading "NUDE VARIANT" wasn't embarrassing enough to have on the shelves.

CLICK TO HUGE-IFYNow, I
know we carried comics with Sinthia in them...we've carried darn near everything else, but I swear I can't remember having any
Sinthias around. Anyway, this is the "limited edition Gold Sinthia," restricted to only 5,000 pieces, which would surprise me if they came anywhere close to selling this many. And that costume...I'm not sure I'm comfortable with knowing about just how carefully this character shaves. Erg. To be fair, the short excerpt from the comic book that's reprinted on the back of the packaging (common to all these Skybolt figures) did amuse, as Sinthia is apparently the rebellious daughter of Satan his own self, pretty much completely unimpressed by him and giving him the back-sass.
The character also comes with a sword and a scabbard. I always like it when action figures with swords have fitting scabbards as well. Good show, Skybolt.


FOR A GOOD TIME, CLICK HERESpeaking of comics with lots of #1s...
Double Impact, in its various incarnations, was primarily about breasts and butts and guns. Okay, for some people, that's fine, I'm sure...I'm not saying there isn't an audience for it. But there's also some talk about these two characters, Jazz and China, being a "lethal combat team" of secret agents or something, but really, it's just scantily-clad gals shooting things and posing. God bless America.
These are the special "limited edition of 5,000" Platinum versions of the figures, which means the clothes they're wearing are painted silver. Also, note that the bodies are the same, and only the heads are (barely) different. And yes, they have big guns. (And some weapons, too, har har.)
The back of the package has a sequence from the
Hellina/Double Impact crossover, where the three characters decide to team up and take on the bad guy:

CLICK FOR MORE"...A threesome he'll
never forget." Well said, Jazz and/or China, well said.
Additional linkage:
A few of the Skybolt packages advertise a
male figure, based on Valiant Comics' X-O Manowar. While a
photo of said figure is on one of the packages, it appears that
it was never released (near the bottom of the page).
This site has reviews of the various
Double Impact and
Hellina figures, in all their hideous glory. ("Heart Ripper Hellina?" How'd I miss that?)
When I told
pal Dorian of my plans for this post, he said "say, were you inspired by
Dave's Long Box's Boob War?" Well, no, I was mostly inspired by "I'm gonna have to take pictures of all these things for eBay auctions so I might as well use 'em on my site, too," but really, if you haven't been reading his most recent series of great articles, and you want to know what comic shelves looked like in the '90s,
go check it out!
Sunday, September 04, 2005
Kid Chris: "So, how many Native American superheroes have there been?"
Me: "Well, there was
Super-Chief...."
KC: "Super-Chief? He wasn't really a superhero -- he was more of a
western hero."
Me: "Pretty much the same thing in this case, I think."
KC: "Well, how 'bout Jonah Hex? Do you think
he's a superhero?"
Me: "Of course he is! He travelled through time!"
KC: "That's not super...that's
amazing!"
(Kid Chris and I are talking about a particular person who'll be taking over his job at the store, when KC leaves to school in a couple weeks)
KC: "He should do fine working here...and he likes Marvel
a lot."
Me: "That's okay, we should have at least
one person here who likes Marvel."
(from a month or so ago; not about comics...or
is it?)
Me: "Hey, I have an idea."
KC: "What?"
Me: "I can set up a bunch of lawnchairs in my backya...er, business area, and charge people to sun themselves."
KC: "What?"
Me: "Yeah, it could be like, 'Mike's Sun Salon.' It'd be great. I'll make a fortune charging people to use my property to get a tan."
KC: "Think people will go for it?"
Me: "Of course! Most people are really stupid. They'll pay lots of money to do anything so long as they think it's exclusive. Having a large fence to keep the commoners out will help."
KC: "What if it rains?"
Me: "I bet I can come up with some kind of 'rain is good for the skin' excuse. I can charge people to sit in my backya...er, business area, and get rained on."
KC: "I want to go into business with you."
Me: "I just told you what a crook I am. Why would you trust me enough to go into business with me?"