from Charlie Brown’s ‘Cyclopedia Vol. 15 (1981)
Hi pals…I realize posting and content on this here website thingie has been a little more slight than usual lately. I’ll be back up to speed soon, but I need a bit of time to recharge the ol’ batteries. Thanks for understanding!
Second, some instances of the unwanted pop-up video ads and possibly the page-redirect ads may have been traced to a stat-tracker I’ve had on this site for years that seems to have just recently (like, within the last few months) been causing these problems for its users. I’ve removed that plug-in, and hopefully that’ll solve at least some issues. (Please note that similar problems can be caused by installs on your browsers as well, so keep an eye on all those Firefox/IE/Chrome add-ons!)
Third…well, there is no third. I said only a “couple” of updates, after all.
And then there was the time we found in a collection a yellowing comic bag containing Mr. Fantastic and Giant-Man figures cut out of some interior pages:
When you flip the bag over to the other side, suddenly you have crazy super-monsters straight out of Grant Morrison’s Doom Patrol:
Why, that’s not nightmarish in the slightest.
from The Pop-up Book of the American Revolution (Scholastic Book Services, 1976)
- illustrated by Douglas Jamieson
UPDATE: ARE YOU READY FOR THE WORLD THAT’S PASSED, as we present the Action Patriots, having transcended the very need for the pull tab, in action!
Animation courtesy Bully the Little Founding Bullfather.
Also rescued from that collection I was talking about a couple of days ago were a few of these Flintstones paperbacks from the mid-1970s:
I like the look of these, particularly that moody cover on The Bedrock Connection. Inside, the artwork (usually alternating pages with the prose, but sometimes sharing a page with some text) was…occasionally off-model, one might say. But it sufficed, I suppose, even if they cheated with similar poses and layouts in the images, like when they followed this pic:
…with this one just two pages later:
I think they’re supposed to be in the same place, but the moon has moved farther away, the house suddenly sprouted another tree and a new window treatment, the rocks at their feet have changed positions, etc. “Suddenly, Fred and Barney found themselves in a parallel dimension, just slightly different from their own. ‘Darn you, Gazoo!’ bellowed Fred.”
Here’s the first page of Gentlemen Farmers, to give you bit of a taste of what these books are like:
“A tall, thin who?” you may be wondering? The Thin Whiteschist Duke himself, David Boulderie? No, it’s this terrifying looking gentleman:
…who seems a bit creepily outside the standard Flintstones model, but not as much as this guy from the first page:
…which looks like some freakish proto-Barney who’s somehow escaped the studio’s round file and has entered the fictional world of the Flintstones to stalk and eventually confront his successor. Kinda like that Simpsons episode where Current Bart confronts Tracey Ullman Show Bart which is something that actually happened I’m assuming, and I didn’t just imagine it.
Anyway, I was posting some of these scans to the Twitter when Twitter pal Teresa asked who the author was. I repliced “Horace J. Elias,” and Teresa discovered that the fella wrote a whole lot of cartoon-related books. I’m assuming that’s an actual guy and not a pseudonym used by the publisher for the army of people they had cranking these out, but I didn’t have much like finding any info on the fellow. I did find this page on one of those ancestry sites which could be him, but I have no idea. Anyway, here’s to you, Horace…you had a good gig writing books based on cartoons, and I’m just a bit jealous.
1. I’ve had reports from folks using the Silk browser on the Kindle that they can’t access my site, receiving a “script not responding” message. (I’ve also had a message or two from folks who say they can bring up my site in Silk just fine.) Have any of you Kindle users had trouble accessing my site? I mean, I suppose if you only have a Kindle for web access, you’ll not see this message, but if you happen to also happen to have a Kindle in addition to whatever magical computo-box you use to look at my ramblings, please let me know.
1a. Alan tells me that searching for my site with the Kindle’s Duck Duck Go app seems to be a workaround, if that helps.
2. I also hear tell that Safari on a laptop also brought up some glitches recently. The only change I’ve made was installing a WordPress plug-in that would streamline the mobile access to my site, which shouldn’t affect Safari browsing, but who knows. Anyone else have recent trouble with my site via laptop browsing?
3. I’ve also once again heard about pop-up ads turning up on my site. Last time this happened, the culprit was adware/malicious plug-ins/etc. on users’ computers, not my site, so I’m hoping that’s the case this time. Well, “hoping” makes me sound like a jerk…I’m not really hoping you guys have viruses on your computers, but as far as I know and can tell, I shouldn’t have any pop-up anythings on my site here. If you see any, let know in as much detail as you can manage (like what they’re advertising, and if there are any “ad supplied by [x]” notations somewhere in the window).
I have multiple computers and phones and even a Nook, at home and at work, with various operating systems and browser types. I have about five different browsers on my personal desktop computer alone. I have never been able to duplicate any of the problems that have been reported to me, which makes me dependent on you folks to let me know when something seemingly goes haywire. Last night, I spent a lot of time bugging Twitter pals about this, including a couple of comic pros who probably could’ve been writing/drawing stuff rather than helping me debug my dumb webpage.
Now, it’s not like my site is cleanly-scripted pure HTML5 poetry. There are a couple of security plug-ins installed, this particular WordPress theme I’m using seems to have vanished from the Internet entirely so it hasn’t been updated in a while, and, well, those Amazon ads in the sidebar which everyone should use and click hint hint shouldn’t be doing anything to my site, and plus I’m secretly installing cookies on every visitor’s computer that will redirect Google image searches to pictures of Swamp Thing and Sluggo, but most of these things don’t seem to cause any access problems as far as I can tell.
The absolute last resort is refurbishing the entire site, getting a new WordPress theme, dropping all the sidebar plug-ins…well, no, the really absolute last resort would be restarting completely from scratch, burning down the old and setting up Progressive Ruin 2.0 (well, 3.0, actually) on the ashes, but nobody wants that. Well, I don’t want that, anyway…some people out there would be glad to see all this nonsense go up in flames. But I’m not ready to give up, and hopefully I can work out whatever quirks exist so that I can still talk to you all about comics without worrying whether or not anyone can see what I’m saying.
So we’ve been receiving giant box after giant box from this one gentleman at the shop, each one filled to the brim with comic books, children’s books, toys, what-have-you, dating mostly from the late ’60s through the very early ’90s, with a few from earlier still. One unique element of this collection, very seemingly out of place amongst the ’70s Archie comics and miscellaneous Disney merchandise (including a – gulp! – $300 Donald Duck statue and an Uncle Scrooge “Gold Train” set that is probably even more expensive), was a pile of bagged ‘n’ boarded Silver Surfer #50s, approximately 100 in number, and you can see Employee Aaron with a small selection of them in a photo I posted on the store’s site.
Now, some of the items we didn’t really have any interest in or need for, mostly the children’s books, but this fellow who was selling them to us is in the process of moving and didn’t really want any of this stuff back. Thus, anything we didn’t end up buying, we ended up getting anyway. Alas, one of the reasons we didn’t want many of the children’s books was because, due to poor storage, the majority of them were water-damaged and / or moldy or otherwise just too damaged to be salvaged, and had to be discarded. As a former librarian, and as a lifelong lover of books, I hated disposing of them, but there was no helping it.
Some of the books were able to be saved, and I ended up taking home a bunch of them for myself…and in that pile was this little hardcover book (with dustjacket) from 1940:
About 40 pages or thereabouts, with little black and white illustrations and about three to four jokes per page, most of them about as good as this:
Yup, just full on making fun of overweight people, and making sure to explain the pun with a parenthetical aside just in case you didn’t get it.
Okay, it’s not all terrible. I really like this dumb joke, although you would probably get punched for telling it and rightfully so:
The book also gets all religious-y on you out of nowhere, while simultaneously denying the ineffable essence of our cetacean brethren:
And just to emphasize that inherent superiority of soulful humans, here’s a joke that utilizes stereotyping of Chinese people:
That’s one of two jokes in this book based around our Chinese friends, who are the only ethnicity singled out, surprisingly enough.
And, um, well:
Here’s a joke that probably got a whole lot funnier not much later:
The judges would also have accepted “Timothy Leary.”
The inner flap of the dustjacket features a short introduction to this volume, ending with
“This is a good size book to slip into your pocket and produce at a moment’s notice in order to confound your friends or superior adults who we guarantee will never be able to guess the answers.”
Well, yes, they’ll certainly be confounded:
There’s an extra helping of mental trauma in that joke, Little Billy! Enjoy your next meal!
Once again the end is nigh, and let us go together through this prophetic tome of doom (AKA Diamond Previews July 2014 edition) and see what awaits. Note: contains one local reference for punk rock fans or close readers of Love and Rockets, and a couple of links to YouTube files, at least one of which should not be clicked on in the presence of loved ones, the family pastor, or sensitive rodents. LET THE END BEGIN:
p. 90 – Superman Unchained #9:
It’s the final issue of what turned out to be a mini-series, which retailers weren’t warned about when it started, so it sure is nice for DC to buy back all those #1s everyone way overordered back then…wait, what? They’re not? Ah, well, that’s okay. Quarter boxes exist for a reason — right, two-or-three-relaunches-back Marvel series?
p. 128 – Batman and Superman Wood Figures:
p. 239 – Pen & Paper Gamer T-Shirt:
Hold on…an Antarctic Press t-shirt that isn’t mashing up Star Trek or Star Wars with, like, steampunk bacon or something? WHOA. Well, okay, a Klingon said that phrase along the bottom once, but still.
p. 259 – God Is Dead #19:
Hey, it’s the special Nardcore issue!
p. 412 – Big Hero 6: The Essential Guide HC:
“SPECIAL NOTE TO INVESTORS: probably too late to start trying to buy Big Hero 6 back issues for quick fat-cash turnaround.”
Also, “From the creators of Wreck-It Ralph and Frozen.” Great, I loved their work in the original Big Hero 6 comics.
p. 413 – Doctor Who Mad Libs:
“Fezzes are [adjective rhyming with 'pool']!”
“It’s [adjective rhyming with 'digger'] on the inside!”
“Oh for God’s sake it’s [just write in 'Rose' here] again.”
p. 474 – Firefly Malcolm Reynolds 1/6-Scale Action Figure:
Sure, at $179.95 the price seems a bit steep, but this is a high-quality figure with which you can act out your own new Firefly adventures for a good, long time, since the actual show is never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever coming back to TV.
p. 482 – Re-Animator Finger Creature 1/1-Scale Prop Replica:
Sure, that’s all well and good, but will they be doing a prop replica of that…other reanimated creature from the third film Beyond Re-Animator? (WARNING: Link not safe for work, or pretty much anywhere)
p. 511 – Star Wars Rebels Medium Talking Plushies:
This magical plushie doll comes in the shape of the Star Wars Rebels logo, and says “I’m a Disney/Lucasfilm trademark” whenever it’s lovingly squeezed!
p. 521 – Pop! Breaking Bad Vinyl Figures:
I’m glad to see Breaking Bad Babies is finally getting some traction. Also, there may be a spoiler in that figure assortment.
p. 528 – Marvel’s Guardians of the Galaxy masks:
Well, my wardrobe for the coming fetish ball is all sorted out. Also, what if Baron Zemo was wearing one of those Rocket Raccoon masks instead of that other thing he had on when that accident with Adhesive-X permanently bonded it to his skin? Marvel’s WWII would have gone slightly differently, I’ll tell you that for free.
p. 535-6 – Assorted Walking Dead masks:
You know, this gives me an idea to help all those costume companies avoid heavy expenses with any defective masks that come off the assembly line (or whatever). If the mask comes out deformed or torn or whatever, just paint it to look like rotting bloody flesh and call it a “zombie mask!” I mean, what the heck, right? No one’s going to complain it doesn’t look like a zombie. Like, say, those Guardians of the Galaxy masks. If you had a bad batch come through, just slap a new paintjob on them and suddenly you have “Tree Zombie,” “Zombie Raccoon,” and “Ummm…Darth Zombie, I Guess.”
No need to thank me.
p. 536 – Walking Dead Rick Grimes Machete:
You can buy this for $19, or, um, you know. Of course, you’d have to put the blood spatter on it yourself, but that was just a suggestion, Your Honor, I didn’t actually tell anyone they had to do that.
p. 537 – Galaga Pillow:
So I can just wait for one of those mothership thingies to swoop down and grab my pillow with its tractor beam, I can shoot it later and suddenly have two pillows! My plan is flawless!