The End of Civilization is closer than ever, friends, and there’s no greater tome of portent than this, the July 2016 edition of Diamond Previews! Grab your copy and follow along, if you think your heart can stand it! Also, yes, I know there’s an easier way to do that Space Invaders thing…anyway, HERE WE GO:
p. 62 – Avatar The Last Airbender Coloring Book TP:
“Here, Little Billy, I even bought you some extra blue crayons since I know you’re going to need them.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT AV — sigh, thanks Aunt Millie.”
p. 63 – Serenity Adult Coloring Book TP:
“What color is ‘eternal longing for a thing that will never return?'”
p. 98 – All-Star Batman #2:
At long last! The Greatest Batman Epic of Our Time finally continues! None of you believed, but only I kept the faith that Miller and Lee would return to this grand tale! HA! IN YOUR FACES, SUCKERS.
[EDITOR’S NOTE: nobody tell Mike. He doesn’t know yet.]
p. 108 – The Flash #6:
Okay, having a speedster villain named “Godspeed” is pretty great. But if someone named “Black Emperor” shows up….
p. 130 – Batman ’66 Meets Steed and Mrs. Peel #3:
please please please “Batman ’66 Visits Gilligan’s Island” next please please
p. 137 – Goodnight Batcave HC:
You know, if they’re going to be doing Batman-themed children’s book parodies, well….
p. 139 – Watchmen Noir HC:
C’mon, just call it the “Watchmen Coloring Book,” you know you want to.
p. 148 – Supergirl Book One TP:
CUSTOMER: “So my daughter really likes the Supergirl TV show…will she like this book?”
ME: “Um, well, this Supergirl is actually a shape-changing artificial being from a parallel universe who merges with a human woman, and then there’s this whole angel thing….”
CUSTOMER: [blank stare]
ME: “Yeah, it’ll be fine.”
[PLEASE NOTE: the previous dialogue was simply a fictional exaggeration and not reflective of my actual in-store behavior. At least, not for another decade or two.]
p. 197 – Strawberry Shortcake #6 Scented Variant:
“And now, My Little Pony scented variants!”
“OH GOD IT SMELLS LIKE THE END OF A PARADE…gaaaack”
p. 237 – Snotgirl #3:
So, a boy, then?
(Look, I’ve had that stupid joke rattling around in my head for months.)
p. 279 – Irwin Allen’s Lost in Space #5:
Surely with at least three versions of Lost in Space rattling around (what with the upcoming Netflix revival) we’re due for some kind of “Crisis of Infinite Jupiter 2s” or something. Actually, I’m still waiting for Classic Trek vs. New Trek thing…”Prime Universe Vs. The Kelvin Timeline,” if you’re
nasty nerdy. (EDIT: I’m told Old Vs. New Trek is already a thing in the comics. I SAT TOO LONG ON THIS JOKE.)
p. 286 – Trump Vs. Clinton Coloring Book:
NO MATTER WHO WINS, WE LOSE…well, okay, more one than the other, but still.
p. 287 – Major League Badass T-Shirt:
Please enjoy this t-shirt of a Generic Shaggy-Haired Fella What Carries What Could Be Just Any Crossbow, and Not Any Particular One, No, Really, I Have No Idea What You’re Talking About.
p. 328 – Tarot Witch of the Black Rose #100:
Number one hundred!? That’s a lot of haunted vaginas. In fact, haunted vaginas for everyone!
p. 336 – Art of Atari HC:
NOT INCLUDED: beautiful watercolor painting of me frying my 2600 so I could get two shots at a time in Space Invaders.
p. 351 – Battlestar Galactica #2 Subscription Variant:
Ladies and gentlemen…the best one yet of these action figure variant covers.
p. 362 – Barack the Barbarian GN:
“Ah, once I’m out of office, maybe they’ll stop making comics about me.”
PREVIEWS JUNE 2017: “Retired Barack Versus Predator #1”
p. 501 – Doctor Who A History of Humankind, The Doctor’s Official Guide HC:
“THE BEGINNING OF THE END: THE CREATION OF THE INTERNET”
p. 506 – Ghostbusters 2016 Little Golden Book:
Oh, great, here come people complaining about women ruining their children’s books, too.
p. 508 – Everything I Need to Know I Learned from a Star Wars Little Golden Book:
“Um…open heart surgery?”
“How to file quarterly sales taxes?”
“This is one hell of a long Little Golden Book.”
“Contains all knowledge it does, yes? Hee hee hee!”
p. 554 – Batman & Robin Clooney Panther Cowl Replica:
Had literally no idea merchandising from the Clooney Batman was still a thing. Is there enough demand for that very specific version of the Bat-cowl to…oh, what am I even saying.
p. 569 – Pop! Aliens Alien Queen 6-Inch Vinyl Figure:
Man, that alien queen from Aliens, there’s no way they could make that more terrif–GAH
p. 576 – Alfred Hitchcock 1/6 Scale Collectible Figure:
Hitchcock figure making mysterious cameos in other action figure playsets: “hey, who’s that behind the Mission to Gamma VI set?” “BILLY, GET YOUR HITCHCOCK FIGURE OUT OF HERE!”
p. 601 – Batman V Superman Batman Nendoroid Justice Edition:
Even the most outspoken of Batman V Superman haters will love our newest version of the film, where every appearance of Ben Affleck has been replaced with this cutie pie.
p. 604 – Gundam Unicorn GFFMC Unicorn Gundam “Final Battle” Figure:
Thundercleese looks different from how I remember.
p. 609 – Pharrell Williams Real Action Hero:
This is the worst Freddy Krueger cosplay I have ever seen.
p. 624 – Movie Icons The Godfather Vito Corleone 7-Inch Action Figure:
Alternate Orange Peel Head not included.
p. 632 – Cthulhu Molded Mug:
“That is not dead which can eternal lie, and with strange aeons even death may die…before my first cup of coffee! Am I right, Augie?”
“I’ve asked you before not to talk to me, Howard.”
Marvel Previews p. 105 – Color Your Own Star Wars:
Look, I already did that with markers in my old treasury editions because the lightsabers were the wrong color, so, got that taken care of, thanks.