Okay, okay, fine…after months of pressure, I’ve finally released my personal End of Civilization returns. I hope you all find what you’re looking for in there…and maybe you should have a copy of the October 2016 edition of Diamond Previews to help you follow all my earnings and losses:
p. 125 – Scooby-Doo, Where Are You? #76:
[Ghost of Shakespeare is tied up, Daphne pulls off mask]
Velma: “Jinkies! It’s Christopher Marlowe!”
Marlowe: “I would have won the day if not for thee
You kids who meddle, make my plans for naught.”
(NOTES: see here for the original Internet Scooby-Doo/Shakespeare mash-up, that of course I didn’t remember ’til after I wrote this.)
p. 151 – Batman The Animated Series Batman, Robin and Mutant Leader Action Figure 3-Pack:
“So Marvel’s got toy Hulk hands that kids can wear, right?”
“And they also did Thing hands, if I remember correctly.”
“Okay. So what we should do is produce….”
“No…Mutant Leader nipples. Be just like your favorite villain from the Batman cartoon by wearing th–”
“Get out of my office.”
p. 152 – DC Icons Swamp Thing Action Figure:
“Hi, I’m Alec, and after being on the Weight-Beaters power diet plan for only six weeks, I’ve lost all sorts of excess poundage! And look at how much weight my friend Cranius shed after six months!”
“I no longer even have a stomach! Or pretty much any other internal organs!”
“That’s great, Cranius!”
p. 157 – Star Trek/Green Lantern Vol. 2 #1:
Featuring the Guardians of the Wold Newton Universe!
p. 271 – Cavewoman Monster Dreams One-Shot Massey Cover B:
Well, wouldn’t you know it, someone’s beat me to my Halloween costume.
p. 273 – Alexander Hamilton:
Why, that doesn’t look like the Hamilton I’m familiar with at all.
p. 278 – #TeamBetty Blue T-Shirt/#TeamVeronica Red T-Shirt:
p. 322 – Wonder Woman ’77 Meets The Bionic Woman #1:
Here’s hoping for the follow-up Ace the Bat-Hound/Run, Joe, Run, for which I suspect I’d be the only audience.
p. 410 – Doctor Who Tenth Doctor Year Three #1:
“I believe that this publisher should commit itself to achieving the goal, before this decade is out, of publishing a Doctor Who comic based on the Peter Cushing movies.” [cheers, applause]
p. 445 – The Pokemon Cookbook Easy and Fun Recipes:
“Why, this Lickitung tongue tastes terrible. Are you sure you cooked it right?”
“Look, if you don’t like it, we’ll have Pidgeot giblets tomorrow.”
p. 471 – Star Wars Galactic Maps An Illustrated Atlas of the Star Wars Universe:
“Well, look, here’s the bright center to the universe…and here’s Tatooine all the way over here. Huh, guess Luke was right.”
p. 509 – Batman Classic TV Series King Tut Resin Bust:
Frankly, I think all Batman merchandise has been leading up to this. What home doesn’t need a statue of Victor Buono, to watch over your household and bring you good luck?
p. 520 – Alien Derelict Ship Statue:
The World’s Richest Alien fan is buying a few dozen of these for the most expensive game of horseshoes ever.
p. 536 – Friday the 13th Part 5 Jason Mask Prop Replica:
“Can’t…can’t you just go the sporting equipment store and…?”
“MOM. This is the OFFICIAL replica. As seen in Friday the 13th. Part FIVE. Please do NOT waste my time with nonsense.”
p. 583 – Dragonball Z Figure-Rise Mechanics Saitan Space Pod Model Kit:
I’m not sure I’m into this Mork and Mindy reboot.
p. 613 – Marvel Heroes The Infinity Gauntlet Cookie Jar:
MOM: “Okay, who’s been sneaking cookies out of the Marvel Heroes The Infinity Gauntlet Cookie Jar?”
BILLY: “Not me!”
DOLLY: “Not me!”
THANOS: “Fools taking up arms against omnipotence. They rush head-on into Armageddon. So I shall provide them with a most glorious doomsday! The heavens will run red with blood. But in the end, as always, Thanos will have his cookies.”
p. 616 – Star Wars Darth Vader Briefcase:
“The briefcase Darth Vader carries to meetings with his officers” reads the actual solicitation, so they’ve already beaten me to the obvious joke. But here’s hoping someone out there is working on a Special Special Edition of the original trilogy and can CGI some briefcases in there.
p. 618 – Star Wars Death Star Schematics Mighty Wallet:
So this is how the Rebels got the plans out without any apparent email or anything in the Star Wars universe. They just folded them up into novelty wallets and Imperial security didn’t even give ’em a second glance! “You crazy kids and your wacky, mixed-up wallets, get on out of here!” …Oh, SPOILERS for Star Wars: Rogue One, by the way.
p. 621 – Batman The Animated Series Almost Got ‘im Card Game:
Well, if we’re basing games on single episodes of the Batman cartoons, then let’s have one based on the greatest episode:
p. 624 – Magic the Gathering TCG Conspiracy Take the Crown Booster Packs:
“Atogs are putting mind-numbing chemicals in our water supply.”
“The Brothers’ War was a false flag operation.”
“Now hold on….”
“THE LORD OF THE PIT DID….”
“Leeeeet me just stop you right there.”
Marvel Previews p. 95 – Star Wars Classified #1 & #2:
“An all-new, top-secret ongoing Star Wars series begins this December…”
…please be Lobot please be Lobot please be Lobot….
Marvel Previews p. 106 – Star Wars Box Set Slipcase:
“Yup, it’s collecting all the major Star Wars comics. Episodes IV-VI, the latest Episode VII, Shattered Empire, the first Darth Vader hardcover….”
“And Episodes I-III, right? Right?”
“Episodes IV-VI, and Episode VII, and that Darth Vader book, and Shattered Empire….”
“And I-III, yes?”
“Shattered Empire for sure, Episodes IV-VI….”
Marvel Previews p.134 – Marvelman Classic Vol. 1 TPB:
Marvel…who, again? This character seems familiar, but I just can’t place him. Maybe they should do a regular comic with this guy or something.