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It’s Halloween, and you can forget all those ghosts and witches, those haunted houses and demonic possessions. You want to see something really scary? Then grab your copy of the November 2013 edition of Diamond Previews and follow along!
p. 63 – Never Ending #3 (of 3):
? I feel as if my trust have been breached. HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME, KNAVE, KIRKBRIDE AND LOVE?
p. 149 – DC Comics Super Villains Deathstorm Action Figure:
This will look nice next to my Tomorrow Woman figure on my “Characters I’ll Never See Again” shelf.
p. 289 – Li’l Ernie one-shot:
So, Dynamite Comics. You’ve found a way to get me to buy an Evil Ernie comic: 1. Make him cute. 2. Throw an Art Baltazar cover on it. 3. Have it written and drawn by Roger Langridge.
Well played, Dynamite Comics. Well played indeed.
p. 298 – Deflower the Boss:
Don’t you get any ideas, employees Aaron or Timmy!
p. 328 – Hello Kitty: Delicious:
Hello Kitty’s stint on Iron Chef
was shockingly disruptive.
p. 368 – Batman Science: The Real World Science Behind Batman’s Gear:
Shame about the subtitle, because I was really hoping for “POW! Take that, creationists! BIFF! Down for the count, psychics! SMACK! You’re out cold, antivaxxers!”
p. 385 – Topps 2014 MLP Chipz:
“Get ready to kick off the 2014 Major League Baseball season with MLB Chipz. You can collect these chipz, trade with your friends, or use them to play games. There are a number of different types of chipz, featuring the stars from around the Majors, including Magnetic, Glow-in-the-Dark, and bat chipz. You will be able to find one team sticker and one game board in each pack.”
These are basically pogs, aren’t they. Please tell me they’re not pogs. Please. PLEASE.
[Mike huddles in a fetal position in the corner of his living room. He is crying. The camera slowly pulls back as the room fades to black.]
p. 389 – Deadpool Bold FX Snap Back Cap:
+1 for the Breaking Bad
reference in the caption.
-1 for the creepy Steve Ditko-ish Dr. Strange interdimensional limbo-esque mouths being used in place of the Os.
p. 397 – Nightwing 52 Symbol Hoodie:
“Hey, why do you have a picture of fancy red briefs on your hoodie?”
p. 399 – Dr. Who “The Girl Who Waited” Junior’s Blue T-Shirt:
Totally going to be misinterpreted as some kind of statement of commitment to virginity ’til marriage, just you watch.
p. 402 – Doctor Who “Tardis” All-Over Print Navy Lounge Pants and My Little Pony “Multi-Character” Lounge Pants:
What, I don’t want ponies or sci-fi stuff on my pajama bottoms! That’ll make me look silly when I wear them to the store or the bank!
p. 406-7- Batman Classic TV Series Batman Bust:
Okay, I initially read the blurb as “6′ TALL!” and the idea of having a six-foot bust of Best Batman Adam West in my home was almost too much to bear.
p. 416 – ReAction Figures Alien Action Figures:
The proposed 1979 Alien action figure line finally comes to life. Store shelves that have waited so long, so very long, to be warmed by Dallas figures quiver with excitement.
p. 422 – Futurama Hedonismbot Vinyl Figure:
While I love Hedonismbot, I just don’t have the fifty bucks to frivolously spend on his vinyl representation. Truly I have violated the very spirit of Hedonismbot.
p. 429 – Dumb Ways to Die 4-Inch Rotocast Figurines:
The more merchandise based on Internet videos that’s produced, the greater the chance that I’ll finally get merchandise based on my favorite online cartoon
p. 430 – Mr. Potato Head Homer Simpson Figure:
Ah, from the new Nightmare Fuel line of children’s toys, apparently. Well done, well done.
p. 438 – Lady Death La Muerta Statue:
“Whoa, what did they do to her face?”
“…She has a face?”
p. 438 – Conan the Brutal Statue:
This will provide a nice contrast to my “Conan the Remarkably Genteel” statue.
p. 442 – Juggernaut Mini-Bust:
“I’M THE JUGGERNAUT, BUST!”
…That was funnier in my head.
p. 443 – Battlestar Galactica Medal of Distinction 1/1-Scale Prop Replica:
“ANOVOS is humbled to release the 1:1-scale replica of Admiral William Adama’s Medal of Distinction featured in Battlestar Galactica’s third season episode, ‘Hero.’”
p. 483 – PEZ The Hobbit Movie Gift Set:
While people were mostly favorable to the Hobbit PEZ, they didn’t find it nearly as fresh or interesting as the Lord of the Rings PEZ.
p. 491 – G.G. Allin 1989 Throbblehead:
Let us hope that for maximum authenticity, each Throbblehead has been inserted into someone’s [REDACTED] prior to packaging and shipping.
p. 491 – Bouncing Souls The Guy Mascot Throbblehead:
SUPER-DEFORMED FRANK GORSHIN
p. 494 – Star Trek Pet Product Collection: Uniform Shirt and Spock Hoodie:
is the Trek reboot movie that we deserved.
p. 498 – The Walking Dead Rockmaster Electric Guitars:
SUNDAY 10 PM: THE WALKING DEAD – Rick finally defeats the walkers with the power of rock, exploding zombie heads with his awesome guitar riffs. WOOOOOOO [Series finale]
Marvel Previews – all those “MARVEL.NOW = ALL-NEW MARVEL NOW #! solicitations:
So we just restarted everything from #1s again, and now we’re kinda-sorta trying to do it again
? What, did Aspen Comics buy Marvel when I wasn’t looking?
Marvel Previews p. 34-39: Miracleman #1 & #2:
DC’s 3D cover shenanigans didn’t kill me, but the End of Civilization may yet finish me off, as we go through the October 2013 edition of Diamond Previews and see what horrors await in the not too distant future. So, grab your copy, either in physical form or that newfangled digital format that all you kids are into, and follow along:
p. 89 – Justice League 3000 #1:
Well, this certainly looks more inviting than Kevin Maguire’s version
. Maybe they can just keep putting out the same first issue, drawn by a new artist every time. It can be like their tryout comic for new talent. Assuming any new talent still wants to enter this industry.
p. 110 – Batwoman #26:
Whew, interesting things were happening in this comic for a while now…thank goodness DC editorial put a stop to that!
p. 124 – Villains Month 3-D Motion Complete Set:
Only $199.99, or approximately the cost of what a copy of the 3-D Joker’s Daughter issue is going for right now.
p. 155 – Star Trek Annual 2013:
I would pay one American dollar if this fotocomic were to slowly morph the faces of the main characters from their Classic ’60s Era to their Reboot versions. “Spock, you’re…smoother. Less craggy. What’s…happened
p. 333 – Down Set Fight!:
What th–!? A graphic novel? Written by Chris Sims
? Now I know Previews
‘s standards have fallen, when something like this takes up valuable space that could have been used to solicit orders for farting animal dolls, or vinyl figurines of Japanese bikini women in uncomfortable poses. CIVILIZATION…HAS TRULY ENDED.
p. 374 – Carl Lungren Rock Posters of the Psychedelic Era HC:
Man, She-Hulk got up to some weird stuff.
p. 375 – Marvel’s Avengers The Ultimate Character Guide HC:
And now, descriptions of characters that will never appear in Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.
p. 375 – DC Comics The Ultimate Character Guide HC:
And now, descriptions of characters that will probably be rebooted before you finish reading said descriptions.
p. 393 – Breaking Bad Trading Cards:
“Mom, the blue gum from this trading card pack tastes funny.”
p. 405 – Swamp Thing Organic T-Shirt:
DAMMIT. I’m pretty close to having Swamp Thing t-shirts for every day of the week, with the downside of I ALMOST NEVER WEAR T-SHIRTS. DC, please, just one
Swamp Thing dress-up shirt. Long sleeves, button-down collar, big picture of Swamp Thing on the back…you know, like that.
p. 407 – DC Heroes Supergirl and Batgirl Pajama Sets:
Well, sure, after all those pictures of men in sexy men’s pajamas that have run in Previews
over the years, it’s about time we got some purty ladies posing in the mag. It’s only fair.
p. 409 – Doctor Who TARDIS 1-Piece Pajamas:
“Wow, it’s bigger on the inside!”
“Are…are you saying I’m fat?”
“What? No! You know, the TV show, ‘bigger on the inside,’ what they always say about the TARDIS?”
“GET OUT. GET OUT NOW.”
p. 432 – Simpsons 25th Anniversary 24-Inch Jumbo Plushies:
“Is there any
way we can make these dolls look creepier?” “How about some underlighting?” “JIMMY, MY BOY, GIVE YOURSELF A RAISE.”
p. 438 – Nightmare on Elm Street Video Game Freddy Krueger Action Figure:
An action figure based on an ’80s video game based on a pretty-much done horror film fad. …That more or less sums up Previews
merchandise right there.
p. 442 – James Bond Breathers Evolution Replica Set:
“As a Navy Commander, James Bond is well versed in the sub-aquatic and has used numerous underwater gadgets in his five decades onscreen, two of the most famous being the ‘Breathers’ seen originally in 1965′s Thunderball, and then revisited in a revised form in 2002′s Die Another Day. While not the same prop, they share a common heritage and this set showcases their evolution. Both replicas in one set designed to honor and celebrate the art of the 007 film prop! Issued to Bond in the Bahamas, the Thunderball prop is famously used by 007 to infiltrate Largo’s lair through the shark infested pool. With direct homage to Thunderball, Bond is issued an updated version of the breather in Die Another Day. The Factory Entertainment Breather Evolution Set prop replicas were created after exhaustive and careful study of surviving props in the EON Productions archives and reference materials such as blueprints, photographs and reference documents. Both replicas come with a museum quality display stand, acrylic cover, numbered limited edition plaque, Certificate of Authenticity, and detailed prop story booklet.”
Well, I’m convinced. If you don’t have one of these in your home, you might as well just drop dead right now from shame.
p. 443 – The Twilight Zone Henry Bemis Book Replica:
Fake books and a pair of glasses that come with stickers to make them look broken. Not quite a wooden stake replica
, but within spittin’ distance.
p. 445 – Star Wars Life-Size Vintage Stormtrooper Monument:
Let’s see, a few of these, some life size Ugnaughts, a life-size Boba Fett, a life-size Darth Vader, put ‘em togther with my life-size Han Solo Frozen in Carbonite statue
, and my Empire Strikes Back
backyard diorama will be complete! I’ll be the envy of the neighborhood!
p. 478 – Doctor Who Fourth Doctor Monitor Mate Bobblehead:
Well, sure, who wouldn’t want that staring back at them from the top of their computer monitors?
“WHAT WEBSITE ARE YOU LOOKING AT? DON’T LOOK AT THAT WEBSITE! THAT WEBSITE IS NAUGHTY! I’M VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU”
aaaaaah please don’t punish me fourth doctor bobblehead
p. 484 – Dexter Spatter Analyst Bobblehead:
It bobbled normally until the Dexter
finale aired, and now it just slowly shakes its head back and forth, back and forth.
p. 489 – The Walking Dead Billfold Wallets:
“Yeah, well, the funny thing is, I don’t have any money to put into my new Walking Dead wallet after spending it all on Walking Dead merchandise. O. HENRY, THE IRONY”
p. 489 – The Wizard of Oz Wicked Witch 20-Inch Leg Lamp:
“More like the CHEECH WIZARD of Oz, amirite?”
…I’m very sorry.
p. 490 – Cthulhu 4-Piece Pin Set:
“Keep calm and…’cthulhu f’htagn?’ Are you making fun of people who have fits?” “What? No, you see, there’s this monster….” “You’re saying people who have fits are monsters
…This has been another installment of NERD PROBLEMS. Please tune in next week when our hero tries to explain why all those shower scenes in anime are important.
Marvel Previews p. 12-13 – Avengers #24.NOW:
Oh what the c**k is this s**t.
It’s issue #300 of Diamond Previews! And it’s also, like, installment #2800 of this, my End of Civilization series of posts. Not sure how the math worked out there, exactly, but oh goodness those numbers feel right. Anyhow, grab your own copy of Previews for September 2013, and follow along as I peer at a few of the goodies contained within:
p. 139 – Scooby-Doo Team-Up #1:
Hopefully we’ll eventually get the Kamandi/Scooby-Doo team-up where Scooby is revealed to be the progenitor of all the talking animals from Kamandi’s future.
p. 141 – The Sandman Overture Special Edition #1:
“Hey, remember that Sandman
#1 you bought last month? Well, you’re a sucker, because here’s a much better Sandman
#1 out this month! Will there be another even more
special version of #1 out next month? I guess you’ll just have to wait and find out!”
p. 153 – Batman: Hush Batman and Catwoman Kiss Statue:
Oh yeah, Batman and Catwoman want to rock and roll all night, and party every da…wait, what? Not that kind of KISS? …Well, damn
p. 171 – Doctor Who: Prisoners of Time #12:
I’ve been waiting for the last year for an issue of this series to have a Peter Cushing cover. I’d better not be disappointed.
p. 174 – My Little Pony Micro-Series: Spike:
At long last, the Buffy the Vampire Slayer crossover you never
p. 181 – Mars Attacks: The Human Condition:
Looks like the Martians are taking on our awareness of our own mortality as well as our general interest in the universe around us and our desire to perpetuate ourselves either through our offspring or through our works or both. I guess you got us, Martians.
p. 267 – All New Fathom #5:
Whoa whoa whoa hold on there, issue 5
? That’s just crazy talk. You guys really
need to start over with another Fathom
p. 396 – Inside Seka The Platinum Princess of Porn:
p. 397 – The Death Star Owner’s Technical Manual:
“Errata: There is a minor design flaw involving the thermal exhaust port and its direct access to the reactor core. However, this should not interfere with the enjoyment of your new Death Star.”
p. 397 – Star Wars Frames HC:
Each frame personally hand-altered by George Lucas. Oh, hey, in this one, the rancor shoots first! Awesome!
p. 397 – Star Wars A Very Vader Valentine’s Day SC:
“‘I’m all choked up over you!’ Ah, Padmé, you shouldn’t have!”
p. 415 – Thanos “Infinity Indeed” Black T-Shirt:
I am sure there is an explanation for this. I am sure I could Google it. I think I am probably better off not knowing.
p. 416 – Alpha Flight Red Heather T-Shirt:
“Excuse me? Do you have a brightly-colored t-shirt featuring the heads of members of a no-longer-published superhero team the name of which I forget, each member with a gunsight target superimposed over their heads, and the promise of one of their deaths emblazoned below the image?”
“Hmmm…lemme think. The Champions? Primal Force? Team Youngblood? Combat Kelly and his Deadly Dozen? Help me out here.”
“Oh, yeah, they’re Canadian.”
“Oh, Alpha Flight! Right this way, sir.”
p. 433 – Lost in Space Minimates Robot and Dr. Smith Two-Pack:
Dr. Smith comes with three heads, with presumably three different expressions: “prissy,” “very prissy,” and “extremely prissy.” Or “alluring,” “very alluring,” and “extremely alluring.” Your mileage may vary.
p. 445 – The Lone Ranger 7-Inch Series 2 Action Figures:
For those of you who needed to recalibrate your personal definitions of “high hopes,” here is a second
series of these figures to help you out.
p. 448 – Skele-Treks 5-Inch Action Figures:
will be the creepiest item based on a popular sci-fi franchise that I’ll see in this month’s Previews
p. 459 – The Walking Dead Daryl Dixon Walker Ear Prop:
Not that Walking Dead
is uniquely guilty of this, but apparently there’s just an automated rubber stamp machine that just pounds a “YES” onto every merchandise suggestion memo that passes through it.
p. 471 – Mr Potato Head Doctor Who The Eleventh Doctor:
Forget what I said about the Skele-Treks. This
is the creepiest item based on a popular sci-fi franchise that I’ll see in this month’s Previews
p. 474 – Kick-Ass 2 400% Bearbricks:
movie people might have gone to see.
p. 509 – Minecraft The Game That Changed Everything HC:
Even as we speak, the publisher is currently rushing collected sugar cane back to the crafting table to make paper for all these books. Please appreciate the efforts they’re going through, and of course mourn the interns lost to Creepers and Endermen.
The big news from the San Diego Comic Con was, of course, that it looks like I’ll be doing these Ends of Civilization for quite a while yet, judging by some of the stuff that was announced, so you’re not rid of me anytime soon! But enough about the far future…let us wallow in products due out in the more immediate future, and you can follow along in your August 2013 edition of Diamond Previews, which you surely have at your side right at this very moment!
p. 87-9 – Justice League #24, Justice League of America #8, Justice League Dark #24:
The Justice Leagues fight the menace of television static! “Green Lantern! Quickly, move the antenna just a little to the left,” Batman commands!
p. 93 – Superman/Wonder Woman #1:
Green Lantern/Wonder Woman
Green Lantern/Another Lantern, Maybe A Blue One, Sure, Why Not
Bruce and Clark and Diana and Lois
Superman/Other Hero To Be Announced, Basically Just DC Comics Presents, You Remember That Series, It Was Pretty Awesome
Wonder Woman/Wonder Girl/Wonder Tot
Batman Vs. Batman, starring Dustin Hoffman and Meryl Streep
Die Fledermaus/The Caped Wonder
Robot Superman/Alien Batman/Other Dimensional Wonder Woman/Plain Ol’ Aquaman
Itty/Ace the Bat-Hound
Batgirl/Nightwing/Would Probably Sell A Billion Copies
Superman, Just by Himself, Moping Around The Fortress of Solitude and Sighing
p. 115 – Green Lantern #24:
BEGINNING THIS ISSUE: the Green Lantern Corps versus classic punk band the Angry Samoans!
p. 142 – The Sandman: Overture #1:
I guess I’m okay with this New 52 Sandman series, but I think Sandman/Wonder Woman
and Sandman Unchained
and Sandman and the Outlaws
and having him join Justice League Dark
is really just pushing it.
p. 154 – Batman Black & White Earth 2 Batman Statue:
“And our drummer Batman exclusively uses only Waynetech Drums! Remember, Waynetech Drums, for the best in combining satisfying rock and roll sound with costumed vigilantism!”
p. 156 – DC Comics Super Heroes Batman Bust:
You’re going to do a Dancing Batman statue and it’s not
the Batusi? C’mon, I thought y’all got those rights cleared up.
p. 245 – H.P. Mine Craft T-Shirt:
Quite frankly, the creatures in Minecraft are terrifying enough, they don’t need to be all Lovecrafted up. Though I won’t lie…I’d play a Lovecraft-themed Minecraft game. DAMMIT, MASHING-UP-OF-TWO-THINGS SHIRTS, YOU FINALLY GOT ME
p. 257 – Archie #649:
Ah, the Harry Potter parody issue! There’s the Archie I know, tackling the fads that everyone’s pretty much done with!
p. 258 – World of Archie Double Digest #33:
Now, this cover promises
a story about Archie growing an amazing fro, so that better be what I see inside.
p. 315 – The Big Bang Theory “Bazinga!” Toaster:
So a show that made fun of Sheldon owning a Battlestar Galactica Cylon toaster has their own toaster that burns designs into bread. Where the equal time rule for novelty toasters? Where the screen time for the Watchmen Rorschach toaster? WHERE INDEED
p. 380 – Doctor Who The Vault – Treasures from the First 50 Years HC:
The companion volume to Complaints from the First 50 Years
, compiling the best of fan mail from folks griping that they don’t like this new Patrick Troughton guy and the like. The last couple of chapters just tell you to go to Twitter and Tumblr.
p. 420 – Batman Major Cuff Knit Cap:
There are other caps like this on the page, like Punisher and Darth Vader, with a second pair of eyes on the cuff, which really begs the question why they didn’t do one of these for Bi-Beast
p. 430 – Battlestar Galactica Retro Tin-Tote Figure Gift Set:
Kinda looks like Boxey hollowed out his robotic Daggit so he could wear the skin himself:
And it’s kind of hard to see the detail on this figure:
…so here’s a better look:
p. 440 – Dexter 3-3/4 Inch Action Figure with Tin Tote:
“Um, so, what are you doing there with your action figures, Little Billy?”
“Oh, Dexter finally caught up to Cobra Commander, and he’s going to finally pay for his crimes!”
“Okaaaay…say, could you maybe take it easy on using so much plastic wrap? That stuff isn’t free.”
“I’ll give it back as soon as I’m done with Punisher and Wolverine, Dad.”
p. 443 – Prometheus Series 3 Action Figure:
“Each figure stands over 8″ tall and features over 20 points of articulation and countless plot weaknesses and outright plot holes!”
…That quote may be slightly edited.
p. 491 – Superman with Cape Pilsner Glass:
“Man, there’s a tiny Superman sitting on the bar in front of me. Whoa.”
“Okay, I’m cutting you off…HOLY CRAP THERE IS A TINY SUPERMAN, EVERYONE GET OUT, RUN, RUN FOR YOUR LIVES”
Thank you for for enjoying my one-act play The Adventures of the Really Drunk Guy and the Easily-Panicked Bartender Who Has Relatively Poor Eyesight!
p. 496 – Kick Ass Coffee Mugs:
I first talked about these
about three years ago, and solicitation specifically notes that it’s a re
solicitation from 2010. Between that first listing and this one, we’ve lost a few mugs along the way (and gained a Hit-Girl, I think).
I have no joke here. It seems the mugs have come out, just from a quick Googling, just not through Diamond. Maybe we can look forward to a reresolicit around the time of Kick-Ass 3: The Movie.
p. 497 – Sons of Anarchy Men of Mayhem Can Cooler:
Please tell me there’s a scene in the show with one of those tough guys gingerly tucking their beer can into one of these foam covers. “WHAT?” the character shouts defensively at the others snickering at him. “IT KEEPS MY BEER COOL!”
p. 499 – The Walking Dead “If Daryl Dies We Riot” Bracelet:
I think what I like most about this bracelet is how it can apply to so many situations, both everyday and special events. “Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?” “If Daryl dies, we riot.” / “Mom, what’s for dinner?” “If Daryl dies, we riot.” / “Sapstein, do you have your budget report ready for us?” “If Daryl dies, we riot.”
p. 506 – The Hobbit An Unexpected Journey Yahtzee Collector’s Edition:
I was thinking “what’s less likely a Hobbit
tie-in than Hobbit Yahtzee…oh, how ’bout Hobbit Backgammon, ha ha, there’s no way they can do do a Hobbit-themed backgammon game” and then I Googled and I guess I’m the asshole
p. 514 – Mystery Science Theater 3000 The Movie:
I was hoping
the Mystery Science Theater guys would get around to making fun of this Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie
movie! This will be hilarious!
Marvel Previews p. 31 – Cataclysm #0.1:
I’m suddenly nostalgic for the good ol’ days of “television static” solicitation images.
O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay! It’s time once again for the gift that keeps on giving, no matter how much you’d like it to stop…the End of Civilization, as brought to us by the monthly arrival of the new Diamond Previews! Grab your copy of the July 2013 issue and follow along…and keep in mind, my Iceman joke could have been a lot more awful:
p. 30 – The Star Wars #1:
Yes, it’s an actual adaptation of George Lucas’s original…outline? Rough draft? Bar napkins? for what we would come to know and love as The Movie Series That Would Eventually Bring Us Jar Jar Binks, only this time starring Idealized Version of George Lucas as Himself, and, um…
…Swamp Thing, apparently, as pointed out to me by a few Internet pals.
Clearly this blazes an important trail for future Dark Horse projects along these lines, such as Billie The Vampire Kicker, The Horrible Ambulatory-Penis Alien Monsters, and Conan the Fellow with Simply Barbaric Table Manners.
p. 44 – Kiss Me, Satan #1:
Ew, gross, Satan’s breath smells like stale cigarettes and his tongue is, like, every
where. …Don’t ask how I know.
p. 69 – Marvel Classic Character X-Men #5 – Iceman:
Made entirely of that stuff you find inside Twinkies. Lick your Iceman today!
p. 71 – DC Villains Month:
As noted before
, trying to order DC’s books for this month
will almost certainly kill me. So it’s not just the End of Civilization this time, kids…it’s the End of Your Pal Mike. So long, everyone! Thanks for reading!
p. 141 – The New 52 Swamp Thing Deluxe Action Figure:
Yeah, yeah, you’ve got my money, DC. But wait, what’s this?
Okay, I’m skipping all that Villains Month nonsense and using the money to order boatloads of these just to make sure I get one. “Allocated,” my ass.
p. 178 – Sex Criminals #1:
I like this strategy of Image’s to throw the word “sex” into the titles of their new series. Maybe they can go back and do the same with some previous series, to perk up flagging sales a bit. Sex Projects
. East of Sex
. Sex Grand
. Sex Dragon
. Sex Hunters
. Cyber Sex
. Sex Tank
. No-sex Men
…ooh, no, scratch that one.
p. 233 – Gorn on the Bayou T-Shirt:
Man, I don’t even know.
p. 246 – Afterlife with Archie #1:
“Archie Zombies,” everyone. I’m surprisingly amused by this, though this particular variant cover:
…is a bit alarming. HOT DOG, NO
Am also looking forward to Breaking Archie, with Mr. Flutesnoot recruiting bad boy Reggie to help build his drug-dealing empire.
p. 255 – God Is Dead #1:
On the one hand, it’s an Avatar cover with no one being disemboweled or otherwise tortured, for once. On the other hand…well, that’s gonna get some looks, regardless.
p. 373 – The Official DC Super Hero Cookbook HC:
The Swamp Thing garden salad is surprisingly easy to make. The Ocean Master’s Fugu Surprise, not so much.
p. 374 – DC Super Heroes: Batman – Bat-Mite’s Big Blunder TP:
“Hee hee, Batman! I restarted all of DC’s superhero titles, including a whole bunch that star you, and took away Superman’s red trunks so he’d look silly and everyone would like you more! Aren’t you happy?”
p. 395 – Sons of Anarchy “R.I.P. Opie” Black T-Shirt:
Opie was chafing under Sheriff Andy’s paternalistic care, but I never thought it would come to this. NOT THIS
p. 396 – Star Wars “I’m Not Sorry” Black T-Shirt:
p. 413 – Marvel Infinity Gauntlet Bottle Opener:
Yeah, fine, that’s all well and good, but what we need is an actual Infinity Gauntlet glove. No, not like that high-end “prop” that may or may not have been wearable and cost hundreds of dollars. I mean, like, a mass-market thing (or as mass-market as the direct comics market can manage) – something relatively inexpensive and readily available for fans across the world to wear, each and every day, at home and work, on dates and to church, declaring to the world around them that yes, we, the comic fans of America and lands abroad, love wearing single gloves with colored plastic jewels on them that the general public will eventually recognize as something from Marvel Comics if and when it puts in an appearance in The Avengers 2
p. 419 – Axe Cop Avocado Solider 8-Inch Plush and Wexter 12-Inch Plush:
Toys based on the comic book written by a five-year-old and drawn by his 29-year-old brother…makes me wish someone would make a stuffed doll out of my five-year-old self’s drawings
You know you’d buy one.
p. 444 – DC Comics Shazam New 52 ArtFX+ Statue:
Not to be disrespectful or anything…but do you think C.C. Beck’s body has ever stopped
spinning since being put in its grave?
p. 458 – Star Wars Jabba the Hutt 12-Inch Talking Plush:
Only 12 inches? PFFFFT. Call me when you get to 1/1 scale, baby…I’ve got a living room to fill.
p. 458 – Star Wars Yoda Super Deluxe 24-Inch Talking Plush:
WARNING: Do not hollow out and use as children’s Halloween costume. Also, don’t do…things with it, you weirdos.
p. 476 – Stan Lee Signature Cologne for Men:
Moustache not included. BUT IT SHOULD BE.
p. 492 – My Little Pony Equestria Girls:
So a while back on this site, I talked about a series of videotapes released by a certain indie comics publisher that featured girls in superhero outfits fighting each other, and when I made reference to this as essentially a fetish video, I received an impassioned response from said publisher that nothing could be farther from the truth, there’s no way
videos of girls in costumes fighting each other could be construed as any kind of fetish thing.
Just came to mind, for some reason.
p. 497 – Swamp Thing Blu-Ray:
Finally, I can see each fold and zipper in every rubbery suit with the clarity I deserve. …Speaking of fetish videos.
Marvel Previews p. 8 – Infinity #3 Lego Variant:
Oh for God’s sake, yet another new kind of variant cover, but, um, well, it’s kind of cute NO STOP
you know I guess it’s okay SMITE HIM
Hey there, crazy kids and kool kats! Here’s another dollop of dorkiness from the pages of your favorite comic book catalog, Diamond Previews…grab your copy of the June 2013 edition, and do try to keep up…!
p. 87 – Action Comics #23:
“…In the backup story, Joer-El and Lara try to save the Science Council from the colonel who seeks to make all of Krypton kneel before him!”
If you’re not yet tired to “kneel before me!” call-backs to Superman II…you will be. You will be.
p. 148-9 – T.H.U.N.D.E.R. Agents #1:
will be the revival of a nearly-forgotten decades-old com…wait. Hold on. This feels familiar.
Oh, yeah, right.
p. 171 – Star Trek #24:
Guys, c’mon, seriously. WHY IS THAT THE VARIANT COVER, and not the regular
, easily-available-and-purchasable cover? Are you afraid of money?
p. 229 – Night of the ’80s Undead #2:
Not to be confused with…
p. 230 – Rogues #5:
Not to be confused with
p. 232 – Detroit Lion-Os T-Shirt:
Well, I’m certain the NFL will have a fine sense of humor about this. They’re an easy-going bunch of guys.
p. 246 – Betty & Veronica #267:
In this issue, Archie learns about the genital papilla, much to his dismay.
p. 387 – Star Wars Lightsaber Thumb Wrestling:
“Enact your favorite lightsaber battles from all six Star Wars films! Simply attach the two plastic lightsabers – one blue and one red – to dueling thumbs with Velcro…”
“…and enact your favorite battle scenes. Each of the seven spreads acts as a ‘game board,’ or a stage for battle.”
Also, presumably unrelated to this.
p. 395 – My Little Pony “Team Pony” Silver T-Shirt:
If only Catherine the Great was still around to enjoy all these fine “Team Pony” products.
p. 404 – My Little Pony “Big Face Dash” Juniors Tunic Tank T-Shirt:
I searched and searched for an online video of that Kirstie Alley Saturday Night Live
sketch where the lady aliens explain that their eyes ended up on their breasts via evolutionary pressure from their men always looking there instead of at their faces, but no dice, so here’s a still and a cast list
from the sketch instead.
Just came to mind for some reason.
p. 423 – Marvel Labbit:
So now they’re just straight up manufacturing toys based directly on my nightmares. That’s good to know.
p. 445 – Rocky Championship Belt Replica:
“The most iconic and instantly recognizable collectible from the Rocky movies, this intricately detailed Championship belt is accurate to the one seen throughout the Rocky series. Made from heavyweight cast metal with a high quality gold plated finish, genuine leather and layers of ruffled satin, just like the original! The four metal picture frames feature images of the various champions in Rocky movie history – Clubber Lang, Apollo Creed, Ivan Drago, and, of course, Rocky Balboa. This beautifully crafted replica has been crafted with pride from the finest materials available, and is a faithful copy of the original Prop that will be the centerpiece of anyone’s Rocky collection.”
Okay, I was with you up until “anyone’s Rocky collection.” I have a hard time believing anyone whose name doesn’t rhyme with Mylvester Mallone has a Rocky collection.
p. 447 – Frankenstein VFX 1/1-Scale Bust:
“No, Frankie, no
…the iPod buds go in your ears
p. 463 – Star Trek Mister Spock Maxi-Bust:
Hey, remember that time a penguin accidentally got beamed up with Mr. Spock and their molecules got all mixed up and so for the rest of the episode the crew had to deal with Mr. Spenguin?
ALTERNATE JOKE: This close to being a piece of Bloom County merchandise.
p. 464 – Star Trek Captain Kirk Tinned Candies:
“Each Tribble-shaped candy tastes just like confident swagger and limitless charm.”
p. 466 – Senran Kagura Hibari “Sukumizu Version” PVC Figure:
“…From the popular Senran Kagura
video game….” Hmmm, wonder why it was so popular?
p. 484 – Iron Man 3 Iron Man Mark 42 Adult Helmet:
“Hey, this mask is pretty neat, and it opens up, too…OH GOD THERE’S A HUMAN HEAD INSIDE, CALL 911″
p. 492 – Words with Zombies Previews Exclusive Magnet Set:
Not all that different from the Words with Sex Magnet Set.
…What? You don’t shout “BRRRAAIINNSSSSS” when…um. Okay. Forget I said anything.
Well, saddle up, pardner, as it’s time to lasso up some new, um, stuff out of this…okay, I’ve already lost the thread on the whole cowboy intro thing, so let’s just get cracking on what awaits us in the newest Diamond Previews, May 2013 edition. Grab your copy and follow along:
p. 128 – Batman ’66 #1:
Okay, this doesn’t really represent the End of Civilization, since this is absolutely fantastic
, but I am
pretty sure Hell has frozen over.
p. 135 – Batman The Court of Owls Book and Mask Set:
Okay, that’s all well and good, but honestly, DC, where’s your Justice League Versus Starro Book and Mask Set
I mean COME ON.
p. 133 – Batman Vol. 3 Death of the Family HC:
Okay, I’m presenting this one a little out of order just to emphasize how lucky we were this particular storyline didn’t
come out as a book and mask set.
p. 153 – Superman & Wonder Woman “The Kiss” Statue:
Hey, remember that time Supes and Wonder Woman were shrunk down by Brainiac and they shared a smooch on top of a “giant” pile of popcorn? Man, this New 52 sure is somethin’.
p. 157 – Before Watchmen Ozymandias Statue:
Painstakingly sculpted and hand-painted, coated with a glaze of Alan Moore’s tears.
p. 261 – Peanuts Ultra Detail Figures:
“Gothic Brown, you blockhead!”
p. 380 – Doctor Who The Complete Guide SC:
“Whew! Finally finished writing this book! I’ve successfully and completely covered all fifty years of Doctor Who’s history!”
“Uh, Mark, there’s a new episode next Saturday.”
“OH SON OF A BITCH”
p. 388 – William Shakespeare’s Star Wars HC:
Ah, Shakespeare in the original Star Warsian. I don’t see how any sci-fi fan could have a problem with…
Oh, well, maybe J.J. Abrams can resolve this in his eventual Star Wars/Star Trek crossover movie.
p. 392 – American Horror Story Trading Cards:
Oh please let there be costume prop cards with little bits of the black leather body suit embedded in them. “Oooh, this one’s still moist with sweat!”
p. 396 – Doctor Who “Future Companion” T-Shirt:
“I hope I’m the one with the unrequited love for the Doctor!” “I hope I’m the one with a mysterious past that they keep teasing everyone about all season!” “I hope I’m the one who totally overstays my welcome but they keep bringing me back anyway!”
p. 399 – Man-Thing Indigo Black T-Shirt:
I’m not sure I’m quite ready to tool (heh) around town with “MAN-THING” plastered across my chest. And I’m sure we’re all anxiously awaiting the obvious “Giant-Size Man-Thing” joke, but I’m not going to tell it. YOU TELL IT.
Also (ahem) Man-Thing on that shirt has the wrong number of fingers and also while Man-Thing’s touch can burn you as implied by the ad copy over the image, the burning sensation is triggered by fear, not love, and Man-Thing himself can’t feel love as he is an emotionless, mindless beast only responding to the feelings of others. …YOU’VE BEEN PEDANTED, OH YEAH
p. 405 – Robin R.I.P. T-Shirt, Robin Symbol Youth T-Shirt, Robin Symbol T-Shirt (not pictured):
One, the dead Robin shirt is kind of weird. Try explaining this to the uninitiated. “Well, Robin died…not, not that Robin. Or that Robin. …Batman’s son. Yeah, with Talia. …Okay, lemme ‘splain Talia….” Two, I’m reasonably certain that the not-pictured Robin Symbol T-Shirt looks relatively similar to the Robin Symbol Youth T-Shirt (pictured). Okay, maybe the “R” is a little larger in relation to the rest of the shirt, but, c’mon.
And “Robin takes a dive?” So you’re saying he…faked his death? IS THIS SHIRT AD A SPOILER?
p. 424 – TYO X USPS Mini Drop Box:
When I was but a young Mikester, I actually had a toy metal mailbox that was, oh, I don’t know, about a foot tall, that I played with. A lot.
Look, this is what kids did before they all had their Grand Theft Portals and their Zunedroids.
p. 438 – The Hobbit The Goblin King Mini-Bust:
“Hmmm…I don’t think I can sign off on this quite yet.”
“Ah, give us a break, Goblin King, it looks just like you.”
“WHAT? Look, that’s not flattering at all. Here, you need me to make me look more like this. Lemme DM you a picture.”
“Yeah, okay, Goblin King, we’ll get right on that.”
p. 440 – Star Wars Grand Admiral Thrawn Mini-Bust:
“Hey, Bill, I don’t remember any of the guys in Avatar
looking like that.”
“IT’S NOT FROM…sigh, never mind.”
p. 452 – Doctor Who Dalek Head Torch Booklight:
Affixing a light to your kid’s head with a strap that reads “EXTERMINATE!” Sure, why not. And why this isn’t a representation of a Dalek eyestalk, I have no idea, aside from kids probably having to hold their books out at arm’s length for the light to be used properly.
p. 460 – Star Wars Collector’s Watches:
Designs include Darth Vader (breathes heavily instead of ticks), Stormtrooper (time’s never quite on target), and Boba Fett (alarm mode: screams once, falls off your wrist). NOT SHOWN: the Chewbacca design (just completely covered in hair).
p. 479 – Doctor Who Sonic Screwdriver Toothbrush:
Man, that one year where the Doctor regenerated into a toothbrush was really weird. And let’s face it, his tiny toothbrush companion was really just gilding the lily.
p. 495 – Firefly The Game:
Sadly, no one ever wins because the game always gets cancelled a few moves in.
p. 497 – Monopoly My Little Pony Edition Boxed Game:
Do not pass GO…no, really, don’t pass GO, there’s a bunch of adult male Bronies there, I don’t want you hanging out with them.
p. 497 – Monopoly Power Rangers 20th Anniversary Edition Board Game:
Do not pass GO, do not be amazed that this thing’s been goin’ on for twenty freakin’ years.
p. 497 – Monopoly Skylanders Edition Board Game:
Do not pass GO, do not…um, look, I don’t know what the hell this is. I’m old.
Marvel Previews p. 70 – Wolverine In The Flesh #1:
“Reality star Chris Cosentino tells a tale about Wolverine and food like only a Top Chef Master can!”
Hey, maybe they can get Stan what’s-his-name from that Who Wants to Be A Superhero reality show to write a comic for them next!
It seems like I just fell off the last Diamond Previews and here I am, being encouraged to jump back on and ride the new Previews lest I be scared of it in the future. So let’s take a peek and see what the April 2013 edition has in store for us…grab your copy and follow along:
p. 99 – Superman #21:
So Hector Hammond is still paralyzed, right? Does he use his vast mental powers to control others in order to maintain his sweet mustache? “SLICK THE MUSTACHE TENDRILS, MY HELPLESS PUPPET.”
…I’m going to guess this won’t be covered in this issue of Superman.
p. 105 – Batman The Dark Knight #21:
“The grand finale to the origin of the Mad Hatter is here….” What, already? I guess we had to wrap that up quickly to make room for the forthcoming 24-part RETURN OF THE MANIKIN
p. 122 – Justice League Dark #21:
“Guest-starring the Flash and Swamp Thing!” …Surely there is no more magical phrase than this.
p. 232 – The Walking Dead Action Figures Series 2:
“The Governor’s Daughter Zombie (Penny) features 12 points of articulation and includes a bucket of fresh body parts (severed leg, severed foot, severed hand, intestines, heart & Rick’s severed hand) and a fish tank with trophy heads.”
There must have been a time when a product like this would have made me pause for a moment and wonder just what the world had come to. But now I just think “I bet we can sell a few of these” and plan orders accordingly.
p. 261 – Archie #645:
Hmmm…which cover should I order more of for the shop? Which one? This sure is a headscratcher.
p. 393 – Man of Steel The Official Novelization MMPB:
“What was I supposed to do?” Clark asked plaintively. “Let ‘em die?”
Pa Kent stared off into the distance. “Maybe,” he replied curtly.
IF PA KENT JUST STOPS IT THERE AND WALKS OFF, LEAVING CLARK TO THINK THAT PERHAPS HE SHOULD JUST LET PEOPLE DIE TO PROTECT HIS SECRET IDENTITY IN DIRECT CONTRADICTION TO EVERY PORTRAYAL OF PA KENT EVER, TURN TO PAGE 221
IF PA KENT ACTUALLY HAS MORE TO SAY TO PROVIDE SUPPORT TO CLARK IN HIS TIME OF SELF-DOUBT, AND ACTUALLY DOESN’T THINK CLARK SHOULD JUST LET PEOPLE DIE, DESPITE THE MOVIE TRAILER BEING EDITED TO IMPLY THAT’S HIS ENTIRE RESPONSE, TURN TO PAGE 278
p. 414 – The Walking Dead Comic “The Governor” Black T-shirt:
“You know, the bad guy from The Walking Dead.”
“That doesn’t look like him.”
“It’s the comic book version.”
“…There’s a comic book?”
p. 419 – Walking Dead One-Eyed Zombie Metal Bottle Opener:
So the trend here is to incorporate a more and more elaborate hole in the bottle opener design, like the eye in the zombie above, or Ghost Rider’s mouth here in the bottle opener from page 422:
Okay, so here’s your money maker, Internet: Goatse bottle opener. You’re welcome. Also, if you don’t know, don’t Google it.
p. 426 – DC Classic TV 1966 Batman Moment Action Figure 2-Packs:
Oh my goodness, action figures recreating the famous wall-climbing sequences from the 1960s Batman TV show! Now all I need are action figures for Sammy Davis Jr, Colonel Klink, Dick Clark, Sam Stone, the Carpet King, Art Linkletter, the Green Hornet and Kato, Don Ho, Suzy Knickerbocker, Edward G. Robinson, Jerry Lewis, Jose Jimenez, Santa Claus, and Lurch, and I can recreate all the window cameo scenes!
p. 428 – Skeptical Rice Buddy 11″ Plush:
This grain of rice isn’t putting up with any of your homeopathy or “psychic” powers nonsense. And you should see the beard on the James Randi Rice Buddy.
p. 447 – Star Wars Business Card Holders Han Solo & R2-D2:
“Please…take my card.”
“Sure…whoa! That’s a sweet business card holder, Your Holiness!”
p. 455 – Doctor Who Mugs:
This kind of reminds me of when you see an old, dry snail shell…hollow, depressingly empty. Clearly this mug is just Davros’ chair with old, dried up Davros scraped out it.
p. 461 – Star Wars Tie-Fighter Webcam:
NEW FOR YOUR TIE FIGHTERS: TIE-NUTZ! SHOW THE REBELS YOU’VE GOT BALLS WITH THIS HILARIOUS SPACE SHIP ACCESSORY!
p. 492 – Monopoly The Walking Dead Survival Edition PX Board Game:
“Go to Jail. Spend the Entirety of Season Three in Jail.”
Marvel Previews p. 10 – Age of Ultron #10:
Maybe they should have polybagged every news story, Twitter feed and website that’s already revealed the shocking surprise ending a week ago.
It’s another month…well, almost…which means there’s another issue of Diamond Previews, chock-full of all kinds of wonderful and crazy items that I am legally required by Internet law to carry in our shop! Grab your own copy of Previews, the March 2013 edition, and follow along as I see what will be filling our shelves in a few months’ time!
p. 82-3 – The Green Team #1 and The Movement #1:
Remember, everyone…whichever one of these series gets canceled first, that means the other
side is the winner, and that’ll put the end to this political/economic debate forever.
p. 100 – Batman and Robin #20:
In light of recent events, I am hoping the Batman and Robin series will become a superheroic version of Weekend at Bernie’s. (CATWOMAN: “He’s not saying much.” BATMAN: “Um, he’s tired. Long night crime-fighting. Uh, GOTTA GO.”)
p. 103 – Batman The Dark Knight #20:
“It’s the penultimate chapter of the definitive Mad Hatter story….”
Somewhere, the ghost of Lewis Carroll sheds a single spectral tear.
p. 129 – Adventures of Superman #1:
Reminder: the Jeff Parker and Chris Samnee story from this issue will soon be available on its own for digital download, so be sure to buy it! Tell ‘em Orson sent ya!
p. 134-135: Before Watchmen Deluxe Hardcovers:
In twenty-five years’ time, DC will announce their Before “Before Watchmen” project, and fandom will rage across the Ultranet about this betrayal, this brutal undermining of these beloved classics.
p. 154 – The Flash vs. TBA Action Figure 2-Pack:
Not sure what sort of rights hoops DC had to jump through in order to get Flash to fight one of Marvel’s most popular creators in action figure form, but here you go!
p. 226 – The Walking Dead Michonne Resin Statue:
That rotating base is quite thoughtful, allowing each person sitting around the dinner table at the fancy dress party to get a good look at this centerpiece from every angle.
p. 405 – “No Sweat” Punisher T-Shirt:
“And the award for ‘Most Ironically Named T-Shirt in Previews’ goes to….”
p. 408 – Doctor Who “Smaller on the Outside” T-Shirt:
People who aren’t familiar with Doctor Who are going to go through all kinds of mental gymnastics trying to figure out what exactly this shirt is saying about your penis.
p. 426 – Breaking Bad Walter White 6-Inch Action Figure:
Someday I will see a young kid playing with his action figures, and he’ll have his Punisher figure in one hand and his Walter White figure in the other, and he’ll be saying “STOP, CREEP” and he’ll reply to himself with “I AM THE ONE WHO KNOCKS” and it’ll be the finest, most glorious moment in my life.
p. 426 – Breaking Bad 8-Inch Plushies:
Oh my, those are so cute and cuddly and meth-hidable and huggable and sweet! Kids’ll love ‘em!
p. 427 – Breaking Bad 6-Inch Bobblehead:
I don’t have a joke, I just wanted to type that to see what it looked like. Hmmm. HMMMMMM.
p. 430 – Lost in Space: 1/1-Scale Laser Pistol:
Man, that’s goofy-looking. Can you believe this ridiculous piece of…huh? What’s that? The Mass Effect 3: M-3 Predator Full-Scale Replica on page 435?
…I take it back, Lost in Space 1/1-Scale Laser Pistol. I like you just fine.
p. 434 – Seka 1:4-Scale Bookends:
“Seka’s natural beauty is captured by these two pre-painted, fully-licensed statues with removeable clothing.”
p. 434 – Star Trek (2009) Starfleet Academy Class Ring Replica:
This will go great with my Starfleet Academy Yearbook! (CUT TO: old issue of Starlog with my senior portrait pasted into a photo gallery previewing Star Trek: The Motion Picture)
p. 446 – Batman The Dark Knight Rises 400% Be@rbrick:
Why isn’t this one of the available skins in Batman: Arkham City?
p. 461 – Space Invaders 60cm Hopper:
Remember back in the old days, when people would dress to the nines when going to the movies, or going out to dinner, or riding around on their inflatable hopping balls?
THIS DUDE IS SO HAPPY. AND SNAPPILY-DRESSED.
p. 471 – The Walking Dead TV Board Game 2: The Best Defense:
I picture any Walking Dead board game as the inverse of The Game of Life, where you start the game with your little car full of blue and pink pegs representing your family, and over the course of the game you just remove the pegs one or two at the time. And then eventually you have to abandon the car and hole up in the green hills surrounding the spinning number dial thingie, and other pegs, painted rotting brown and black colors, corner you, moaning and biting while the shattered remnants of your family cower in fear until your eventual brutal deaths.
Or maybe it’s like Chutes and Ladders. That’s a fun game.
p. 474 – Clue The Big Bang Theory Collector’s Edition:
“Howard…” (laughter) “…did it in Penny’s apartment…” (louder laughter) “…with Dungeons & Dragons!” (raucous laughter, applause, credits roll)
Marvel Previews p. 72 – Marvel Galactus Sculpted Metal Bottle Opener:
Man, that sure is nice, but after the Silver Surfer bottle opener and the Thor’s Hammer bottle opener and the Captain America’s Shield bottle opener, your average fan with apparently plenty of bottles to open would need one of these like he needs a…um, what’s that expression again? It’s right on the tip of my tongue.
Marvel Previews p. 91 – Wolverine First Cuts TPB:
Reprints, among other things, issues #1 and #2 of the Chris Claremont/Frank Miller Wolverine mini-series from 1982. Enjoy that half of a story, kids!
Oh, hey! Didn’t see you there! I’m just sittin’ here paging through my copy of Diamond Previews (February 2013 edition) and seeing what swell new items catch my eye! In fact, I list a few of them here…why don’t you grab your own copy of Previews and follow along?
p. 81 – WTF April:
So one of the Big Two companies is doing a month-long promotion called “What The [Expletive] April.” I am looking forward to “MILF March” featuring all the superheroes’ mothers.
p. 152 – Man of Steel Superman 1:6 Scale Iconic Statue:
Whoa, hold up, let’s not jump the gun on using the word “iconic” there, friends.
p. 154 – Aardman Batman and Robin (Classic) Action Figure 2-Pack:
I have no idea what possessed anybody to even suggest this be done, but I’m glad they did.
JUST LOOK AT THAT FACE:
p. 244 – Sesame Street #1 Imagination:
“One of these things is not like the other / One of these things just doesn’t belong” is what I shall sing to the children as I show them the five variant covers on the first issue, and I shall judge them by the cover they single out, oh yes.
p. 253 – Archie #643 Archie Meets Glee, Part 3:
So is this actually published by Archie, or is Fox publishing comic books just that happen to look like Archie? I’m not sure anymore.
p. 372 – Did I Do That? The Best (And Worst) of the ’90s SC:
Nostalgia for the ’90s? Already? I can’t imagine anyone having…
…YEAH OKAY, FINE.
p. 382 – Star Wars “Wraith Ring” Black T-Shirt:
Wait just a second, Previews…are you trying to tell me there are nerd-centric t-shirts that come in black? The devil you say!
p. 384 – Shawarma T-Shirt:
Oh, you have a lot to answer for, Joss Whedon.
p. 385 – Cross-Processed T-Shirt:
So let’s see here…about that “#hipster” tag. Is it saying that Spider-Man is a hipster? That the person wearing the shirt is a hipster by virtue of being a Spider-Man fan? That the person wearing the shirt is a hipster because he recognizes the incongruity of Spider-Man and a Twitter-esque “#hipster” tag and thus is wearing the shirt ironically? That the actual name under which the shirt is being marketed is kind of a stretch, and that somehow incorporating the term “octothorpe” would not only be more accurate than “cross,” a Doctor Octopus reference could probably be squeezed in there too since we’re all about the Doc Ock right now.
Shorter version: it’s like the people responsible for the 1960s Teen Titans comics traveled to the future to design this shirt.
p. 399 – R2-D2 Tinned Mints:
I had all kinds of jokes for this, and believe you me, “NOT A SEX TOY” is the least offensive of them.
p. 414 – Giant Microbes:
Hey, wait just a moment…wasn’t that middle dude in the second row in Prometheus?
p. 420 – Puppet Master 1/1-Scale Replica:
When I was but a young Mikester, maybe about four or five or so, I had a Charlie McCarthy ventriloquist doll and, on occasion, just having it in my room would scare the hell out of me.
…So basically if I’d had these Puppet Master dolls at age five, I probably would have had a heart attack.
p. 422 – Star Wars Darth Malgus Mini-Bust:
Now that Disney owns both Star Wars and Marvel, I guess it was only a matter of time before Doctor Doom got lightsabers.
p. 427 – Star Wars Boba Fett Silicone Ice Tray:
I hear they skipped making the Ice Planet of Hoth Ice Tray because, you know, anyone who has a fridge with a built-in ice crusher can do that.
p. 435 – Bruce Lee HD Masterpiece Action Figure:
“BRUUUUCE! You left your Fists of Fury all over the living room floor! Can you pick those up, please?”
“OKAY, MA! Sorry, Ma!”
“And put away your Head of Vague Irritation, too…I don’t like they way it looks at me.”
“Okay, Ma, geez!”
p. 447 – Happy Man Corkscrew:
Man, this Se7en merchandise has taken a weird turn.
p. 462 – The Beatles Yellow Submarine Monopoly:
Do not pass the sky of blue, do not find the sea of green.
p. 462 – Dungeons & Dragons Clue:
“The Beholder…killed Mr. Koboldy in the torture chamber…with the polearm.” “Can Beholders even use polearms?” “SHHH!”
p. 470 – Jedi Junkies DVD:
This hard-hitting documentary examines the impact of death sticks on the Force-using populace. Is your padawan hooked?
p. 470 – Repligator DVD:
I suspect the gator head wouldn’t be a problem for some of those folks out there.
p. 471 – The Complete Space: 1999 Megaset 30th Anniversary Edition:
Oh, I sure do remember all those great episodes of Space: 1999, where Commander Koenig would complain about President Clinton, and they’d all gather around and play the station’s Sega Dreamcast, and they’d download stuff from Napster, and Dr. Russell was hooked on The Sopranos. Man, that Space: 1999 was a good show.
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