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Oh, hey! Didn’t see you there! I’m just sittin’ here paging through my copy of Diamond Previews (February 2013 edition) and seeing what swell new items catch my eye! In fact, I list a few of them here…why don’t you grab your own copy of Previews and follow along?
p. 81 – WTF April:
So one of the Big Two companies is doing a month-long promotion called “What The [Expletive] April.” I am looking forward to “MILF March” featuring all the superheroes’ mothers.
p. 152 – Man of Steel Superman 1:6 Scale Iconic Statue:
Whoa, hold up, let’s not jump the gun on using the word “iconic” there, friends.
p. 154 – Aardman Batman and Robin (Classic) Action Figure 2-Pack:
I have no idea what possessed anybody to even suggest this be done, but I’m glad they did.
JUST LOOK AT THAT FACE:
p. 244 – Sesame Street #1 Imagination:
“One of these things is not like the other / One of these things just doesn’t belong” is what I shall sing to the children as I show them the five variant covers on the first issue, and I shall judge them by the cover they single out, oh yes.
p. 253 – Archie #643 Archie Meets Glee, Part 3:
So is this actually published by Archie, or is Fox publishing comic books just that happen to look like Archie? I’m not sure anymore.
p. 372 – Did I Do That? The Best (And Worst) of the ’90s SC:
Nostalgia for the ’90s? Already? I can’t imagine anyone having…
…YEAH OKAY, FINE.
p. 382 – Star Wars “Wraith Ring” Black T-Shirt:
Wait just a second, Previews…are you trying to tell me there are nerd-centric t-shirts that come in black? The devil you say!
p. 384 – Shawarma T-Shirt:
Oh, you have a lot to answer for, Joss Whedon.
p. 385 – Cross-Processed T-Shirt:
So let’s see here…about that “#hipster” tag. Is it saying that Spider-Man is a hipster? That the person wearing the shirt is a hipster by virtue of being a Spider-Man fan? That the person wearing the shirt is a hipster because he recognizes the incongruity of Spider-Man and a Twitter-esque “#hipster” tag and thus is wearing the shirt ironically? That the actual name under which the shirt is being marketed is kind of a stretch, and that somehow incorporating the term “octothorpe” would not only be more accurate than “cross,” a Doctor Octopus reference could probably be squeezed in there too since we’re all about the Doc Ock right now.
Shorter version: it’s like the people responsible for the 1960s Teen Titans comics traveled to the future to design this shirt.
p. 399 – R2-D2 Tinned Mints:
I had all kinds of jokes for this, and believe you me, “NOT A SEX TOY” is the least offensive of them.
p. 414 – Giant Microbes:
Hey, wait just a moment…wasn’t that middle dude in the second row in Prometheus?
p. 420 – Puppet Master 1/1-Scale Replica:
When I was but a young Mikester, maybe about four or five or so, I had a Charlie McCarthy ventriloquist doll and, on occasion, just having it in my room would scare the hell out of me.
…So basically if I’d had these Puppet Master dolls at age five, I probably would have had a heart attack.
p. 422 – Star Wars Darth Malgus Mini-Bust:
Now that Disney owns both Star Wars and Marvel, I guess it was only a matter of time before Doctor Doom got lightsabers.
p. 427 – Star Wars Boba Fett Silicone Ice Tray:
I hear they skipped making the Ice Planet of Hoth Ice Tray because, you know, anyone who has a fridge with a built-in ice crusher can do that.
p. 435 – Bruce Lee HD Masterpiece Action Figure:
“BRUUUUCE! You left your Fists of Fury all over the living room floor! Can you pick those up, please?”
“OKAY, MA! Sorry, Ma!”
“And put away your Head of Vague Irritation, too…I don’t like they way it looks at me.”
“Okay, Ma, geez!”
p. 447 – Happy Man Corkscrew:
Man, this Se7en merchandise has taken a weird turn.
p. 462 – The Beatles Yellow Submarine Monopoly:
Do not pass the sky of blue, do not find the sea of green.
p. 462 – Dungeons & Dragons Clue:
“The Beholder…killed Mr. Koboldy in the torture chamber…with the polearm.” “Can Beholders even use polearms?” “SHHH!”
p. 470 – Jedi Junkies DVD:
This hard-hitting documentary examines the impact of death sticks on the Force-using populace. Is your padawan hooked?
p. 470 – Repligator DVD:
I suspect the gator head wouldn’t be a problem for some of those folks out there.
p. 471 – The Complete Space: 1999 Megaset 30th Anniversary Edition:
Oh, I sure do remember all those great episodes of Space: 1999, where Commander Koenig would complain about President Clinton, and they’d all gather around and play the station’s Sega Dreamcast, and they’d download stuff from Napster, and Dr. Russell was hooked on The Sopranos. Man, that Space: 1999 was a good show.
So it turns out this month is the eighth anniversary of my End of Civilization posts…I haven’t tagged all of them yet, mostly because who has the time, and plus the really early ones didn’t have images for all the items, believe it or not. Anyway, if you’re curious, this is the post I’ve always considered as the first EoC entry, even if it’s not named as such, as that particular item really triggered the “what, really?” response in me. Also, in a nice touch, that’s apparently post #666 on the site, so take from that what you will.
Anyway, there’s new stuff coming from Diamond every month, so let’s get an advance warning for what’s headed our way soon by going through the Previews January 2013 edition. Grab your copy and follow along:
p. 31 – FCBD 2013 Commemorative T-Shirt Jim Cheung:
You know, I bet Marvel could make more money selling these with the “CLASSIFIED” design rather than the actual one they’re keeping under wraps. I mean, at least to jaded comic store employees who’d wear them ironically.
p. 188 – Constantine #1:
I don’t have a gag. I’m just reminding you this is happening.
p. 127 – Threshold #3:
The introduction of Captain K’rot, the new, gritty, updated version of Captain Carrot! Hopefully when Marvel gets the Star Wars license back in a couple of years, they can reintroduce Jaxxon:
…and he and K’rot can have one of those intercompany crossover thingies. But only if the comics are painted like in these images.
p. 158 – Superman The Man of Steel Superman by Lee Bermejo Statue:
Another piece of Superman merchandise that still retains the trunks. Also, he seems to come with a postal scale as a base.
p. 167 – Judge Dredd Year One #1:
And now, in the most unexpected comic news of the year:
I would pay real money to read a full Judge Dredd comic by Sim. Abso-freakin’-lutely. (Especially if it included “JUDGE ROACH.”)
p. 238 – Bazooka Joe and His Gang HC:
“The book also includes reproductions of 200 classic Bazooka Joe comics….”
OH PLEASE OH PLEASE OH PLEASE:
p. 255 – Archie #642:
So, kids being unable to keep their drinks from spilling all over the damn place? Is that a thing these days? I mean, are those even drinks? Are they carrying paint around for some reason? What’s going on? I don’t get you young people and your crazy fads.
p. 285 – Lady Death #24 Bad Teacher Cover:
Say, have they done a “Naughty Librarian” variant cover yet? If not, maybe soon? I’m, um, asking for a customer.
p. 364 – Superman The Ultimate Guide to the Man of Steel:
“Superman gets his power from Earth’s yellow sun….”
“So why’s he wearing armor?”
“Ahem. Yes, well. Earth’s lighter gravity gives him super strength….”
“Yes, but about the armor….”
“HE HAS X-RAY VISION AND SUPER BREATH….”
“SENATOR, YOU ARE EVADING THE QUESTION!”
“Security, please escort Mr. Sterling from the room, thank you very much.”
p. 365 – Doctor Who FAQ All That’s Left to Know About the Most Famous Time Lord in the Universe SC:
“FIRST NAME: Doctor. LAST NAME: Who.” Glad that’s finally cleared up.
p. 380 – The Walking Dead “Keep Calm and Kill Walkers” Black T-Shirt:
Honestly, at first glance I thought that said “kill wankers” and I thought, well, that could be a bit harsh, depending on how they’re using the word “wanker.” …Also, this “keep calm” business is about over, right?
p. 387 – Aquaman Symbol T-Shirt:
“Hey, Chad, love your Star Trek shirt! The emblem seems a bit off, though.”
“IT’S NOT A…ah, forget it.”
p. 396 – Stormtrooper Tinned Mints:
I suppose having to breath your own air all day in one of those helmets, things would start to get a bit ripe. Also, what if in one of the movies, a stormtrooper pulled his helmet off, and instead of a Jango Fett clone face underneath, out poured a bunch of these minty candies? That would be terrifying. And refreshingly yummy. And terrifying.
p. 397 – Light Saber Bottle Opener:
You know, back at the Academy, Yoda was always catching the older Padawans slicing caps off bottles with their lightsabers. “OPEN BREWSKIS WITH THE FORCE, YOU WILL NOT.” “Lighten up, old man!”
p. 402 – Ron English’s Temper Tot Vinyl Figure:
And the weird thing is, I kinda know dudes who look like that. Well, maybe not green, but, like, the body shape, the fashion sense….
p. 429 – Doctor Who Figural Mugs:
You know, the first thing I thought of when I saw these was that hollow-headed alien played by Harvey Korman in the Star Wars Holiday Special, where Bea Arthur as the barkeep would pour a drink into the hole in the top of his head, and the second thing I thought was “why in God’s name is something from the Star Wars Holiday Special an immediate reference point in my mind for anything else?” And then I cried. A lot.
p. 442 – Zombie Figural Bottle Opener:
I wonder if, in the fictional worlds of zombie apocalypse milieus like The Walking Dead, their respective pop cultures are also filled with oddball zombie-related pieces of merchandise. And, when the inhabitants of those particular scenarios come across artifacts such as Zombie Figural Bottle Openers while seeking out much needed supplies, do they regard them with some small measure of irony or just outright dismay or disgust?
I also wonder this about Star Trek. What filled Star Trek’s cultural niche in the fictional Star Trek world? Was it Lost in Space? Did Kirk’s great-great-great-whatever-grandfather wear “DR. SMITH LIVES” buttons and Debbie-the-Bloop ears?
p. 450 – The Lord of the Rings Head Knockers:
“Hey, Gollum, people aren’t really bowled over by that new Hobbit movie…”
“But everyone likes you in it, though!”
p. 457 – Monopoly The Lord of the Rings Edition:
As not-really-predicted by the Mayan Calendar…The End of Civilization is now upon us! Hide in your shelters, crack open that tin of survivalist-brand crackers and cheese, and follow along in your Diamond Previews December 2012 edition to check out what new items are going to see us out of this world and into the next. PLEASE NOTE: big ol’ spoiler for the Avengers movie, in case you just landed on Earth and haven’t seen it yet:
p. 84-5 – Justice League of America #1:
…with its fifty-something variants for the U.S.’s different states and its bonus extras, Washington D.C. and Puerto Rico. Frankly, they should combine the blank sketch cover trend with this comic and allow folks at home to make their own variants:
Oh, look, here’s a blank right here:
p. 103 – Batgirl #17:
Hey, remember back when James Gordon, Jr. was like this forgotten minor character from a Frank Miller comic? How long ’til he gets his own New 52 series?
p. 113 – Swamp Thing #17:
I’m going to have to admit to you…I never even considered the idea that having Swamp Thing back in the DC Universe, or what passes for the DC Universe nowadays, could possibly mean a Harley Quinn/Swamp Thing battle (even if it’s “deformed/possessed by Swamp Thing’s nemesis” Harley Quinn)…but I guess I should have realized. THIS IS WHAT I ASKED FOR.
p. 123 – Young Romance A New 52 Valentine’s Day Special #1:
Yup, that’s certainly a couple of nearly 80-year-old characters on the cover of a comic called Young Romance
Oooh, that misspelling is one letter away from turning a Batman supporting character’s name into something spectacular. “It’s Morgan Freeman in his sexiest role yet!”
p. 167- Mars Attacks #7:
They should do “30 Second Later” variants for more comics! Why, just imagine the possibilities!
p. 230 – Cavewoman Oasis #1:
…Sometimes you just need to say “Well, goodness,” and leave it at that.
p. 233 – Forcebook T-Shirt:
Finally, something to replace my outdated “MyHyperspace” t-shirt.
p. 360 – James Bond FAQ All That’s Left to Know About Everyone’s Favorite Superspy:
“Everyone’s favorite superspy?” Why would a book about Danger Mouse be called James Bond FAQ
p. 362 – Star Trek The Visual Dictionary HC:
When no one was looking, Cyrano Jones imported forty tribbles. He imported 400 tribbles. That’s as many as four thousands. And that’s terrible.
p. 362 – Stuck On Star Trek:
“Mom! I can’t separate the Captain Kirk sticker from the green alien woman!”
“Oh, great, now there’s another alien woman attached to Kirk!”
“I’m returning that toy.”
p. 370 – Son of Satan Black T-Shirt:
I don’t know which is more amazing…that we finally got a Son of Satan t-shirt, or that terrible pun surrounding the picture of the shirt.
p. 375 – Rat Creature T-Shirt:
p. 383 – Star Wars Han Solo in Carbonite Vinyl Bank:
At last. AT LONG LAST. I think my well-earned rest is at hand, now that The Nerdiest Object Ever
has been reduced to affordable form. The End of Civilization…finally here.
p. 403 – Avengers Movie Thor Mjolnir Limited Edition Replica:
There may be a slight delay in delivery, as no shipping company seems to be able to pick these up for some reason.
p. 403 – The Avengers Movie Agent Coulson’s Captain America Trading Cards:
Now, I kept trying to get a good look at the cards in the film, and what I saw reminded me a little of those old Comics Images sets from about 20 years ago. But here, you can get replicas of the cards in a dual set: the “Near Mint” set, and, get ready for this, the “Bloody” set. Yes, you can relive that moment when the cards allegedly soaked in the blood of the beloved Agent Coulson are presented to the Avengers. (NOTE: probably not the actual blood of that actor.)
And don’t even get me started on Agent Coulson’s Captain America card set having a card of Agent Coulson in it. That’s some weird self-reflexive ouroboros type stuff and thinking about it will just drive you crazy. Crazy.
I’m sure you’ve all heard the big news: the Walt Disney Company has, after a long negotiation, bought out Progressive Ruin Industries for a grand total of $127, plus a case of Diet Coke. Now I can afford to sit back and watch the End of Civilization in comfort and luxury, and you, the Little People, can follow along yourselves with your November 2012 copy of Diamond Previews:
p.73 – Good Luck Trolls Mystery Box Assortment Series 2:
Now they’re probably hiding the “secret” troll color combination with that silhouette-with-question-mark image, but what if…what if
…that “mystery troll” actually looked just like this:
All black, with a question mark painted over the front. That would be swell.
p. 147 – The All New Metallic Superman by Frank Miller Statue:
“Say, Bill, why do you have a statue of Superman doing a pirouette?”
“I’ll have you know this is a representation of Superman from one of the greatest graphic novels of all time.”
“Superman Versus Baryshnikov? Can I borrow it?”
p. 152 – Mars Attacks Popeye:
Man, that “Destroying A Jeep” card is particularly traumatizing.
p. 155 – Star Trek Countdown to Darkness #1:
Not to be confused with Star Trek: Countdown to The Darkness
, where the Enterprise crew travels back in time to just sorta hang around in a concert hall before that band comes on stage.
p. 178 – Hey, wait a second…
…Perhaps you missed them back on page #152, Weird Cartoony IDW Mascot Guy:
p. 237 – Expendable Stormtroopers T-Shirt:
Psst. Hey. Hey Disney. Over here. Get a load of what’s goin’ on here.
p. 240 – Archie Meets Glee:
Looking forward to the inevitable “Archie Meets Breaking Bad.”
Walt: “I’M THE ONE WHO KNOCKS!”
Moose: “Duh…I love jokes! ‘Who’s there?’”
Walt: “D’OH!” (flips backward, feet and legs sticking up from bottom of panel)
p. 241- Archie The Married Life Volume 3 TP:
They’re sure milking the hell out of this “Archie gets married” thing. I expect multiple trade paperbacks out of the eventual “Archie: The Bitter, Acrimonious Divorce” saga.
p. 348 – DC Batman Automobilia Collection Magazine:
Will this series last long enough to eventually get around to the Bat-villains’ sweet rides? In particular, this vehicle
? I certainly hope so.
p. 354 – The Geek Handbook SC:
“How to Most Efficiently Bite the Heads off Chickens.” “The Carny Life: As Exciting As You Want It to Be.” “Living in Filth: Not As Bad As It Sounds.”
p. 356 – The History of Mario 1981-1991 TP:
So I was all ready to call the book on cutting off the history just before the 1993 release of the Super Mario Bros. movie
, thus avoiding having to deal with it, but the actual solicitation does mention the film’s existence. Way to joke-block me, Previews.
p. 367 – Before Watchmen Nite Owl Symbol T-Shirt:
Test the face perception/pareidolic abilities of passerby with this vaguely face-resembling image!
p. 380 – Star Wars Angry Birds Koosh Faceball Packs:
If any of you plan on taking that Han Solo Angry Bird faceball to Harrison Ford to sign at some point in the near future, please let me know so I can be there to see the look on his face.
p. 382 – Justice League Logo Trexis:
After the wholesale rejection of Jim Lee’s New 52 costume designs for all of DC’s heroes as being “too complicated,” the next reboot’s costumes will follow a different strategy.
p. 387 – Twilight 1/18 Scale Die-Cast Replicas:
Remember back when Twilight
fans would divide themselves into “Team Ford Police Cruiser” and “Team Chevy Truck?” Oh, youth, you so crazy.
p. 388 – Star Wars Kenner Power Droid Jumbo Action Figure:
Okay, Disney, listen, I only ask for one thing: a giant motorized version of this action figure that I can ride around in. C’mon, dudes. C’MON. I KNOW YOU GOT THE MONEY.
p. 390 – IT Conquered The World Statue:
The statue costs about a hundred bucks…which is about what they originally spent on the prop for the film, I think.
p. 392 – Gingerdead Man 1/1-Scale Replica:
I was hoping someday there would be the perfect piece of merchandise immortalizing Gary Busey’s finest role, and lo, it has come.
p. 400 – DC Comics Batman The Killing Joke The Joker ArtFX Statue:
HEY, DOES THIS STATUE COME WITH A BONDAGE CROTCH-CHERUB
OH GOOD THANK YOU
p. 427 – DC Heroes Grow Toys:
Tiny figures you add water to, and then they grow to six times their original size. Surely there must be one of these for the Atom. SURELY THERE MUST.
p. 433 – Marvel Heroes Cufflink Sets:
People who aren’t comic book fans are going to draw some mightily inappropriate conclusions from seeing you sporting your Punisher cufflinks.
p. 444 – The Lord of the Rings Dice Building Game:
“So, how do you play?”
“Um..you dump out all these dice, and then you spin the dial to see what you build with them.”
“Okay.” (spins dial) “Uh oh, we have to build a 1/25 scale model of Minas Tirith.”
“Well, better get started. Let’s move the furniture out of the room, first.”
Marvel Previews p. 76 – Marvel’s Thor Adaptation #1:
This “comic book adaptation of a movie based on a comic book that’s coming out way too late to take advantage of either the theatrical release or the home video release” trend is a strange one. But as long as they’re doing it, can we get one of the Roger Corman Fantastic Four
film? Because that
deserves four color immortality.
Ain’t no debating it…it’s time once again for the End of Civilization, coming as it must once a month, every month, until the End finally sticks and I can at last go to my rest. Grab your copies of Previews, October 2012 edition, and follow along if you wanna:
p. 57 – Star Wars Dawn of the Jedi – The Prisoner of Bogan #2:
You’d think there would be more buzz about this impending Star Wars/Thundercats crossover.
p. 144 – Batman Arkham City Statue Harley Quinn:
You know, I was fairly indifferent to the Harley Quinn redesign:
…until I saw the hip tattoo:
Nope, sorry, refuse to accept this.
p. 145 – Batman The Dark Knight Returns Action Figure – Batman:
“Oooh, I have such a crick in my neck…where’s my ointment?”
p. 151 – Star Trek The Next Generation/Doctor Who: Assimilation2 #8:
The shocking conclusion to the series! Maybe more people talking to each other! Possibly the Borg and the Cybermen appear!
p. 168 – Joe Palooka #1:
So are 90-year-old fans of the original Joe Palooka comic strip already starting Internet petitions and complaining on message boards about this revamp tying the beloved character to mixed martial arts? Because I can’t stop picturing that.
p. 231 – HoboCop T-Shirt:
Aren’t homeless people hilarious
? Imagine if they were also robots!
p. 304 – Annoying Orange Volume 1: Secret Agent Orange:
All this Internet hoohar getting converted to funnybook form will
eventually lead us to 4chan: The Comic Book
and I’m not quite sure the world is ready for that to happen.
p. 344 – DC Chess Figurine Collection Special #2 – The Bat Signal:
INTERIOR: THE STUDIO APARTMENT OF THE WORLD'S BIGGEST BAT SIGNAL FAN
Bat Signal memorabilia fills the room, on shelves, on tables,
hanging from the ceiling. At a table in the center of the room
sits THE WORLD'S BIGGEST BAT SIGNAL FAN, hastily unwrapping a
WORLD'S BIGGEST BAT SIGNAL FAN
Finally, it's arrived! My Bat Signal chess piece!
At long last, the Signal can stand alone over my
board, a solitary sentinel illuminating all with
its beacon of justice!
THE WORLD'S BIGGEST BAT SIGNAL FAN opens the package, and pulls
out the DC Chess Figurine Collection Special #2. A look of despair
passes over his face.
WORLD'S BIGGEST BAT SIGNAL FAN
My...my Bat Signal! Batman is...attached to the top!
No! Why must my spotlight share the spotlight?
THE WORLD'S BIGGEST BAT SIGNAL FAN stands, then falls to his knees.
WORLD'S BIGGEST BAT SIGNAL FAN
THE WORLD'S BIGGEST BAT SIGNAL FAN looks down, eyes closed, a
single tear falling from one eye.
WORLD'S BIGGEST BAT SIGNAL FAN
Why must my spotlight...share the spotlight?
p. 353 – Star Trek FAQ: Everything Left to Know About the First Voyages of the Enterprise SC :
What in God’s name is left? What color toe fuzz Walter Koenig had at the end of each shooting day? Gene Roddenberry’s daily gas mileage? The number of appearances of the letter “b” in each script, from first draft to the final broadcast product? (Then again, I’m sure there are still some questions about a certain lead actor’s hair that are up in the air.)
p. 354 – Star Wars The Clone Wars – What Is A Sith Warrior? HC:
Usually dudes that end up getting arms or heads cut off, or simply just cut in half. Many don’t put a whole lot of effort into establishing retirement plans.
p. 354 – Star Wars The Clone Wars – Who Are The jedi? HC:
Apparently a bunch of super-powerful near-mystical dudes who know and see everything but can’t tell a guy they encounter pretty much every day is, like, the most evil person in the galaxy. Hey, everyone has their off moments.
p. 361 – Legion of Monsters Black T-Shirt:
This is a terrible comic, but it had an awesome cover and I think I’m totally going to get this. If you see me explaining to random passerby who happen to notice my shirt that “look, I love this cover, but I insist that you don’t take my wearing of this shirt as an implied approval of the contents of Marvel Premiere
#28,” please take me aside and give me a good talking to.
p. 367 – “Bring Back Firefly” Brown T-Shirt:
I’m reasonably certain whoever owns Firefly
is making far more profit continually selling “Bring Back Firefly” merchandise to those diehard fans, versus losing their asses by actually bringing
p. 368 – Superman Snap Back Cap:
Another piece of Superman merchandising where he still has his red trunks. …Just noting its existence is all.
p. 373 – Star Wars Han Solo in Carbonite Magnetic Bottle Opener:
Now, if I can somehow hollow out and convert my Life Size Han Solo in Carbonite Statue
into a bottled soda dispenser, life would be perfect! Well, perfect aside from my constant weeping at how lonely I am, but hey, still pretty good!
p. 376 – Walking Dead Silicone Gelatin Mold:
December 2012: “Wow, that’s pretty gross! Cool!”
Easter, 2013: “Yeah, okay, that’s funny, but, um, I don’t know.”
Halloween, 2013: “Hey, that old thing! That’s perfect for Halloween!”
Thanksgiving, 2013: “Um, you know, I don’t think Grandma finds that all that amusing.”
Christmas, 2013: “No. No, put that back in the cupboard. You remember how Grandma didn’t care for that.”
Easter, 2014: “OH FOR GOD’S SAKE”
Halloween, 2014: “Hey, you still have that zombie jello mold? Yeah, get it out, it’ll be great!”
p. 383 – Mr. Potato Head DC Spuds Classic Batman:
Well, that’s sort of upsetting and disturbing. I don’t think Mr. Potato Head can get any weirder than tha….
p. 383 – Mr. Potato Head DC Spuds Joker:
p. 392 – Star Wars Kenner Rocket-Firing Boba Fett 12-Inch Action Figure:
In case you were wondering how you were going to put out the eye of any, say, giant squid you happen to come across.
Also, I picture something like this happening:
p. 395 – Portal Turret Plush with Sound:
Only pointing this out because just look how happy and satisfied that guy is. Don’t you wish you were feeling that level of comfort right now? …Well, you will in a second:
p. 398 – Lost in Space Dr. Zachary Smith 3:4 Scale Bust:
Well, of course that’s awesome in and of itself? But what would make it even more
fantastic? An animatronic
Dr. Zachary Smith 3:4 Scale Bust, with sound
! Just imagine Dr. Smith’s visage tracking your movement across the room, sneering at you with haughty disdain, and occasionally calling you a “bubble-headed booby.” Why, that would be a little something like Heaven.
p. 405 – Star Wars Han Solo “Mynock Hunt” PX Mini-Bust:
Harrison Ford is Han Solo as Frank Booth in David Lynch’s Blue Velvet Harvest
, coming soon to a theater near you.
p. 416 – Doctor Who Tardis 3D Ceramic Teapot:
I’m a little teapot
Short and stout
Here is my handle
Here is my reversed-polarity neutron flow
p. 433 – Halfling Slippers:
I’m just going to go out on a limb here and say some of you…um, probably don’t need fake
p. 437 – Doctor Who Fez and Bowtie Kit:
Well, I made my statement
on the bowtie thing a while back:
…but I’m okay with fezzes. Yes, that’s right, I’ve picked my side in the Great Bowtie Vs. Fez War. Are you WI’ me or are you AGIN me?
p. 451 – Yahtzee Doctor Who Collector’s Edition Dice Game:
So I hear as a tie-in to this product, all of the Eleventh Doctor’s exclamations of “GERONIMO!” in various episodes will be reedited into exclamations of “YAHTZEE!” for future reruns.
p. 458 – Big Tits Zombie DVD:
Just in case you were wondering where Previews
stood on the whole “usage of ‘tits’ in the general catalog listings” thing.
p. 462 – Watchmen Ultimate Cut BD + DVD + Graphic Novel:
It’s nice that they include the original comic so you can follow along with the movie and see for yourself the exact point where everything just kind of falls apart. I mean, beyond most people’s default assumption of “when they decided to make a movie of Watchmen
Another month, another Previews catalog, and another one of these…the End of Civilization, where I take a look at some things slowly slouching towards your local funnybook shop, and proceed to either crack wise at, or despair of, them. Don’t make me go through it alone…grab your copy of the September 2012 issue of Previews and accompany me on my little retail excursion:
Cover – Rotworld crossover event:
Oh, sure, there’s guy flyin’ around in an iron suit on the flipside of the new Previews
, but pffft
who wants to look at that nonsense when you’ve got Swamp Thing doin’ his thing on this
p. 12 – Indie Edge:
Hey, you know, “Able,” “Abel,” either / or, that’s close enough.
p. 69 – Game of Thrones Tyrion Statue:
It’s a damn shame this is just part of a series of Game of Thrones
statues and not a line of Peter Dinklage statues. Oh, sure, your high-falutin’ film fans will want the Station Agent
statue, but the real
fans will want the Maurice statue from Tiptoes
p. 78 – Wonder Woman #14:
At long last, Wonder Woman has finally achieved her full potential, as Batman’s newest Robin.
p. 113 – Deathstroke #14:
Oh, man, we’re gonna miss you, Rob.
p. 143 – DC Comics Super Heroes Supergirl Bust:
Honestly, you can’t just half
-commit to Walking Like An Egyptian. C’mon, Kara, what would the Bangles say?
p. 143 – DC Comics Super Heroes Shazam! Bust:
“Mom makes me wear this when it’s raining. …Seriously, guys, stop laughing!”
p. 146 – The Dark Knight Rises “The Bat” Glass Etching:
If there’s one iconic image that represents Batman to the public at large, it’s…this one vehicle-thingie that appears in just this one movie and will probably never be seen again. Not, like, the Bat-symbol or anything.
p. 198 – Spawn #225:
I hear the probability of finding the “Ron Paul Wins!” variant is practically nonexistent.
p. 362 – Doctor Who Doctionary HC:
You know, it’s kind of a cheat to use the same pic of River Song for the definitions of both “overplayed” and “pandering.”
p. 378 – “Dim Shield” and “Like A Hawk” T-Shirts:
“Dim Shield” is probably the least-used of derogatory terms villains would shout at Cap. And the guy on the other shirt looks nothing
p. 395 – Star Trek Select Spock Figure:
Unclear as to whether or not the Horta is separate from the base. I think
it is, but I’m not sure. But here’s hoping at long last I can finally have my Horta action figure and I can stop using that old baked potato stuffed with overcooked cheese.
p. 407 – E.T. Bendable Figure:
The “E.T. flashes Gertie” scene was cut after poor reaction from test audiences.
p. 407 – E.T. Hand with Lighted LED Finger:
This is identified as a “role-play accessory” in the catalog, and all I can picture is a kid running around shouting “the maniac has cut off E.T.s hand, OH GOD WHY”
p. 412 – Tarzan of the Apes 100th Anniversary Statue:
Not pictured: the Nude Variant:
p. 416 – Street Fighter Sagat 1/4-Scale Statue:
Not sure I care for this Nick Fury redesign for the forthcoming Joss Whedon S.H.I.E.L.D.
p. 424 – DC Comics Green Lantern Movie Light-Up Be@rbrick:
You know, this reveal of the First Lantern from the current Green Lantern
comics is kind of disappointing.
p. 426 – Doctor Who Large Inflatable Dalek:
Exterm-inflate! Exterm-inflate! Exterm-inflate!
p. 427 – Final Fantasy 25th Anniversary Accessories:
Okay, that’s actually the pen case, but I swear, at first glance I thought it was a Final Fantasy-themed coffin. …Hey, don’t look at me like that, you know
that’s within the realm of possibility.
p. 430 – Star Trek Captain Jean-Luc Picard Mini-Bust:
“Engage my finger.”
“Oh, Captain, no! Not to the Andorian ambassador!”
p. 431 – Star Wars 7-Inch Taking Plush Balls:
This is not the direction I expected for the inevitable Star Trek/Star Wars crossover, as the crew of the Enterprise gets involved in a civil war amongst mutated tribbles.
p. 439 – Black Widow Perfume for Women:
I’m just going to let this amazing solicitation text speak for itself:
Russian Spy, Trained Assassin, World Class Ballerina, Girl from Legal Department. A clear shot of citrus and fresh berries create a statement which slowly gives way to a sensual caramel and honey note; but kept too sweet by a pairing of dry Australian Sandalwood. Then, like a spider spindling silently from above, Black Widow dries down to a deeply desirous gourmand delight of bitter chocolate, clear patchouli and praline. This is a fragrance for those who can navigate the high-tension tightrope of love and duty – and who knows what it takes to be called Black Widow.
I am so totally sold, I can’t even tell you.
p. 441 – Tintin Snowy and Crocodile Plush:
You see, when the plucky pet of a young reporter and a hideous member of the family Crocodylidae
love each other very much….
p. 442 – Pez Presidents of the United States Gift Sets:
Extra-sized Taft dispenser sold separately.
p. 442 – Gaming Dice Set Hard Candy:
Candy shaped like (and usable as) gaming dice. …There’s no possible way this could go horribly wrong.
p. 450 – Incredible Hulk Fist Pewter Keyring:
“So, um, Steve…I see by your keyring you’re really into…uh, fists, I guess.”
“What? No, it’s a Hulk keyring…see, it says ‘Hulk’ right there.”
“Yeah, whatever, Steve, keep it to yourself.”
p. 452 – Pez Star Trek The Next Generation Gift Set:
DAMMIT Wesley’s screwed again
! Maybe he was off with the Traveler Pez dispenser when this set was assembled.
p. 454 – Anti-Zombie-Viral Hand Sanitizer:
So, by cleaning your hands with this hand-sanitizer, the surviving germs will continue to spread, requiring stronger sanitizers, which result in stronger germs, and this Darwinian cascade will eventually result in the actual zombie viral epidemic breaking out. DAMN YOU, CLEAN PEOPLE…YOU’VE KILLED US ALL!
p. 465 – Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer Collector’s Edition Monopoly:
Do not pass GO, do not play any reindeer games.
…Yeah, I know, it was low-hanging fruit, but c’mon, it was right there!
p. 698 – Amazing Spider-Man #698:
“The end of Spider-Man’s world begins when Doctor Octopus discovers who Peter Parker really is.”
I originally read this as “Doc Ock finds out Spidey’s secret identity,” but maybe he just finds out that Peter Parker is, like, a jerk or something. “Man, that Parker kid never tips! What a dick!”
Didn’t I just do one of these? Well, none of you stopped me, so here’s another one…another long slog through that sizable tome men dare to call…Diamond Previews. Pop open your copy of the August 2012 edition and follow along…if, you know, you’re not busy or nuthin’:
p. 48-9 – B.P.R.D. 1948 #1:
p. 73 – Marvel Classic Character Series 2 #5 Iron Man:
I mean, just look at that. Iron-on-iron crime, that’s a damn shame.
p. 116 – Deathstroke #13:
“Be careful back there, Zealot! This pavement is hot
! OOH OUCH OUCH OW”
“OH NO, I TRIPPED!”
p. 136 – Masters of the Universe The Origin of Skeletor #1:
“So what was it, Skeletor? What turned you to a life of evil?”
“Well…many years ago, I was forced to appear in an awful cartoon that primarily existed to advertise toys.”
p. 184 – Cyber Force #1:
“Thanks to the support of fans through Kickstarter and participating comic shops, you can get the first FIVE issues of CYBER FORCE at no cost.”
Of course, the next step will be paying readers to pick up your comics, but there are some titles shadowhawk even that won’t work for.
p. 306-7 – Watchmen Rorschach Toaster:
p. 337 – Haganai I Don’t Have Many Friends:
Hey, I don’t remember signing off on a manga biography about me. I especially don’t have any skirts that
p. 344 – The Rocky Horror Picture Show TP:
Oh, good, they’re finally collecting this mini-series from way back when. I ruined my copies using the water pistols during the rainstorm scene. …Yeah, that’s how they got wet. Absolutely.
p. 426 – Create Your Own Superhero Action Figure Kit:
The Watchmen “Lower Manhattan” and Tarot Witch of the Black Rose “Haunted Vagina” expansion sets are available separately for collectors 18 and over.
p. 428 – The Walking Dead Plush Assortment:
Two thoughts: 1) I never in my life thought I’d see plushy tombstones; 2) Does Rick have Velcroed detachable bits?
p. 430 – Batman Arkham City Batarang Full-Size Replica:
“Step right in, sir…Doctor Batman is ready to administer your prostate exam.”
p. 430 – Cable Classic Statue:
Oh, c’mon, it’s not that
classic…you can see his feet. And his head is almost in the proper proportion to his body. I CALL FOUL
p. 434 – Star Wars Sebulba & Young Anakin Mini-Bust 2-Pack:
Surely this will irritate Sebulba fans who’ll feel forced into buying a Young Anakin statue, as well as irritating Young Anakin fans who’ll have to…ah, who am I kidding? There are
no Young Anakin fans.
p. 445 – Rambo III John Rambo HD Masterpiece Action Figure:
Please enjoy the one time the words “Rambo” and “Masterpiece” appear this close to each other.
p. 446 – Ikki Tousen Dragon Destiny Kanu Unchou “Sword Version 2″ PVC Figure:
“…She is bent over, displaying her panties and revealing part of her ample chest as her too-small shirt hikes up.”
Yes, yes, tell me that again, only more slo…I MEAN I’m shocked, SHOCKED, at such filth in this catalog!
p. 449 – Star Wars Yoda 12-Inch Mouth Moving Plush:
Wallace Shawn in his most challenging role yet!
p. 449 – Star Wars Princess Leia 9-Inch Talking Plush:
have the moving-mouth feature of the above Yoda doll. Sorry to disappoint you, you pervy weirdos.
p. 468 – Geek Battle Trivia Game:
Not to be confused with the “Geek Battle Overhand Slap Fight Game.”
p. 473 – Doctor Who 50th Anniversary Edition Monopoly:
Do not pass GO, because someone on some Doctor Who message board will start griping about how the Doctor passed “GO” incorrectly, and how they wouldn’t have done it that way in the old
days, before Russell Davies got his hands on it and ruined everything
, and it totally violates continuity since the Third Doctor once said he was prohibited from ever actually passing “GO” and why don’t they finally reveal that Mr. Monopoly is actually the Rani, what are they waiting for?
p. 473 – South Park Collector’s Edition Monopoly:
Do not pass GO, do not…um, kill Kenny? Do they still kill Kenny? I have no idea, I haven’t seen this show in years
Marvel Previews p. 43 – Daredevil End of Days #1:
Matt Murdock’s the final secret? That his the editor was kidnapped?
Marvel Previews p. 49 – Dexter #1:
So therefore this is based on the novels, and not the TV show, which, by the way, have gone in fairly different directions. So either this will have no likeness rights for the TV show actors, which will annoy fans, or it will
have likenesses of actors but still be in the novels’ continuity, which will annoy fans, or it will be vague enough to be either in the TV show continuity or
the novel continuity, with character likenesses close enough to pass for the actors without requiring specific permissions (if they’re even required in the first place, depending on the contracts) but will still annoy fans, because when aren’t they annoyed, really.
…But I’ll still probably buy it.
Marvel Previews p. 67 – Wolverine Max #1:
AT LAST, Wolverine gets to use his swears, just like in the movies seen by every child under 12 who won’t be allowed to buy this comic.
Has it, finally, inevitably, come to this? Has it come to yet another installment of the End of Civilization? Yes, friends, I’m afraid it has, so bust out your copy of Diamond Previews, July 2012 edition, and follow along:
p. 86 – Justice League #0:
At long last, the return of Captain Marvel! That friendly squint, that cheerful grin…thank goodness for this return to a more innocent time!
p. 104 – Batwoman #0:
On one hand, it really seems like the height of obsession that Batwoman (or, yes, her dad) actually spent the time to make sure even the soles of her boots feature little bat shapes. On the other hand…it’s not as if “obsession” is anything new to anyone in the Bat-family.
Also, now I’m picturing Batman hunched over a grinder, smoothing down his Batarang and thinking “needs to be more bat-shaped, more bat-shaped.” Probably best to move on.
p. 108 – Catwoman #0:
Oh. My. God. Just look
at this picture! It’s a disgrace! An embarrassment
. I mean, come on
…Catwoman’s nose doesn’t look like that! What was this artist thinking?
p. 148 – Before Watchmen The Comedian Statue:
I really do think the Comedian’s “’68 Comeback Special” is my favorite concert performance of all time.
p. 149 – DC Comics Super-Heroes Starfire Bust:
…I’m just going to assume you already know what joke I was going to go for here.
p. 149 – DC Comics Super-Heroes Superman Bust:
Yeah, that costume’s a bust, all right.
p. 152 – Ami-Comi Harley Quinn V.2 PVC Figure:
Well, sure, I guess…just don’t look too closely at her face.
OH GOD I SAID DON’T LOOK AAAAAAAH
p. 181 – The Picture of Dorian Gray:
So is this a story about how Dorian Gray keeps a pro-graded slab-sealed copy of The Picture of Dorian Gray
comic book adaptation in a box in the closet, and it must remain
sealed in the slab for Gray to maintain his youth? Or perhaps I’m misunderstanding something.
p. 239 – Spock On! T-Shirt:
At what point do these shirts cross the line from “one-shot parody” to “basically just a Star Trek shirt?”
p. 275-6 – Peter Cannon Thunderbolt #1:
“Before Ozymandias?” I beg to differ
(Yes, yes, I know Peter Cannon was an inspiration for the Watchmen character. Just, you know, any excuse to link to that poem.)
p. 299 – Hit-Girl School Girl Statue:
Whew! Thank goodness, I was afraid this would be, you know, kind of weird.
p. 360 – Classic Marvel Figurine Collection Magazine – Hammerhead:
“Oh, wow, a Flattop figure! I love
Dick Tracy villains!”
“Um, that’s not Flattop.”
“It’s Flattop Junior? Even better! I’ll take it!”
“But that’s not…ah, hell, sure, enjoy your Flattop Junior figure. Thanks for shopping.”
p. 361 – Marvel Comics The Untold Story HC:
“We can never tell anyone of this. Never.” Beads of sweat were still visible on Stan’s brow.
Jack leaned the shovel against the side of the Buick. “Stan…someone’s going to notice. Someone’s gonna know. We gotta cover our tracks.”
Stan’s burst of anger was sudden and unexpected. He pressed in close to Jack, shouting. “What do you think we’ve been doing? You think I drove three hours out into the desert in the middle of the night for kicks?”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa, this won’t do us any good,” Steve interjected. “We have to keep our heads, or we risk losing everything.”
Stan turned away from Jack to look at Steve, obviously struggling to contain himself after his outburst. “Yeah…yeah, I’m sorry guys. I’m just….”
“I know,” said Jack, putting a hand on Stan’s shoulder.
Stan walked a short distance away from the other two men, the only sound that of his boots grinding into the sand. He stopped, pulled out and lit a cigarette. He inhaled deeply, and stared out into the evening sky, bright with stars.
“Damn you, Weisinger,” he whispered. “Damn you.”
p. 375-6 – The Quotable Star Trek Voyager Trading Cards:
“Assist me.” – Seven of Nine
“Can you hand me that?” – Tom Paris
“Hey guys.” – Harry Kim
“Hmm, the coffee’s a bit cold.” – Captain Janeway
“Aaaah-CHOO!” – Chakotay
p. 380 – Luke Cage & Power Man Yellow Previews Exclusive Shirt:
Oh, nothing, just the best thing in this month’s catalog. Even with the seemingly extraneous ampersand in the item’s name.
p. 381 – G.I. Joe “Silent But Deadly” Previews Exclusive Black T-Shirt:
“Snake Eyes. G.I. Joe’s deadliest soldier. Fast. Lethal. Unstoppable. Strikes like a type of fart.”
p. 390 – Amazing Spider-Man Gwen Stacy Costume:
This isn’t really a costume so much as just “clothes.”
p. 401 – Star Trek TOS Enterprise Mini-Vehicle:
Ladies and gentlemen…Captain Kirk’s toilet.
p. 431 – Star Wars Jaina Solo ArtFX Bishoujo Statue:
You’d better hope Han Solo doesn’t find out how you’ve been leering at his daughter, you space-pervs.
p. 455 – Amazing Spider-Man Movie Glasses:
Finally, cat’s-eye glasses have been updated for the 21st century.
p. 457 – The Big Bang Theory stuff:
Okay, so I’ve finally
seen a few episodes of this show. At no time have I heard a single utterance of the term “bazinga.” I’m going to assume this has simply been an elaborate joke you TBBT fans have been playing on the rest of us. I wouldn’t put it past you, you nuts.
p. 475 – Monopoly Marvel Comics Collector’s Edition:
Do not pass GO, collect FOUR BILLION DOLLARS from Disney anyway! Hooray! Money money money money
p. 475 – Monopoly Sonic the Hedgehog Collectors Ed:
Do not pass GO, do not coll…whoa, Sonic’s passed GO already. Man, that little bastard is fast
Civilization is still ending, and so am I! …Er, wait, let me rephrase that. …Ah, never mind, let’s just jump right in and see what the new edition of Diamond Previews (for the month of June 2012) has in store for us! Crack open your copy and follow along!
p. 67 – Game of Thrones Iron Throne Replica:
“You see, Little Billy, back in the olden times, before toothpicks were invented, hobbyists used to make models from old swords they just had strewn about the castle.”
p. 100 – Green Lantern Annual #1:
I hope I see one of those “bloody” Lantern insignias tattooed on someone’s arm twenty years later, like I did with the Superman bloody-S tattoo
p. 116 – Superman Earth One Vol. 2 HC:
Well, here’s at least one point in Earth One
‘s favor – Supes still has his red shorts.
p. 123 – Legends of the Dark Knight Alan Davis HC:
Includes Detective Comics
#569 – 575…#575, of course, being the first chapter of the four-part “Year Two” storyline, with the other three parts, drawn by Todd McFarlane, not included. …Thanks, DC…I’ll price our backstock on those accordingly! (Please insert evil laugh here.)
p. 140 – V for Vendetta Book & Mask Set:
Why don’t they do these for more graphic novels? Like, box a Flash mask with the Trial of the Flash
book? Or pack in a giant mouse head with the Maus
Or maybe DC could have converted V for Vendetta into 3D and put little red ‘n’ blue lenses in the V mask. That’d be awesome.
p. 159 – Danger Girl/G.I. Joe #2:
So is IDW just gonna team up all their licenses? Where’s my Popeye/Dick Tracy team-up, where Popeye just beats the daylights out of Flattop? Or Magic the Gathering Vs. Dungeons & Dragons
, where Magic just suddenly comes out of nowhere and pounds D&D into dust? C’mon, you guys at IDW know you want to.
p. 233 – Cylon Raiders T-Shirt:
How ’bout “The Green Bay Frakkers?” You can have that for free, Antarctic.
p. 273 – DC Super Pets Hopping Hero TP:
“Sobek the evil crocodile is on the loose! Luckily, Hoppy the Marvel Bunny is close by.”
Ahem…I believe you mean “Hoppy the Shazam Bunny.”
p. 370 – Firefly A Celebration – Anniversary Edition HC:
Wait, so this is for the tenth
anniversary of the show? It’s been off the air for ten years and people are still going on about trying to get it back? …I don’t feel so bad about my several petitions to get Doctor, Doctor
back on the air, then, since that’s about as likely.
p. 382 – V for Vendetta Black Line Mask White T-Shirt:
For a second there, I thought that “Our Kind of Guy” text was actually part of the shirt, and not just ad copy. …That would probably make this a better shirt, actually.
p. 383 – Community “Inspector Spacetime” Light Blue T-Shirt:
I’ve never seen one second of Community
, have no idea who’s in it or what it’s even about, and I’m already
sick of this friggin’ Doctor Who parody. “Oh, hey, wait, is that a mildly-amusing one-off gag I hear? Quick, let’s run it into the ground as quickly and thoroughly as possible!”
p. 394 – Blackest Night costumes:
“Why, Little Billy, aren’t you precious? You’re dressed as…something I’ve never seen before, I think. Are you supposed to be the Devil?”
p. 394 – Superman Second Skin Costume Hero:
Just think, the New 52 version of Superman could’ve looked like this
. If you’re disturbed by No-Panties Superman, try dealing with Once-ler-sleeved, no-faced, half-dressed-as-Clark Superman.
p. 396 – The Walking Dead Little Girl Zombie Adult Costume:
Ah, a new selection from the “This Is A Fetish for Someone” fashion line….
p. 403 – Santa’s Ship Minimate Vehicle:
“…So you see, Little Billy, Santa was cursed to wander the skies forever in his flying boat, and he and his crew are forced to make gifts that they must pass out in full every Christmas, or they will meet with an even more terrifying fate.”
“Mike, why is Little Billy crying?”
“Um…I don’t know! I was just telling him about Christmas!”
p. 403 – Marvel Minimates Venom Through the Ages Box Set:
“This is the worst Goth band I’ve ever seen. Let’s get out of here.”
p. 411 – Jumping Brain “DIY Version” 5-Inch Vinyl Figure:
Finally, I can make one of these
for my D&D tabletop game.
p. 416 – The Walking Dead Plug-N-Play Game:
Now, I know why toy guns have to be colored like that, so no one playing “Let’s Shoot and Kill the Zombie, i.e. My Kid Sister” won’t get taken out by a SWAT team thinking Little Billy’s holding a real gun, but…man, just look at that thing.
But if they somehow made it into a Captain Power-type thing where you used to gun to shoot at zombies on the actual show, instead of just playing video games built into the gun, then you’d have something, regardless of gun-color.
p. 434 – Magneto Action Statue:
Now, has anyone made an actually-magnetic Magneto statue? It’d be artistic and
functional: “Hey, do we have any paperclips?” “Yeah, I think there are a few on the Magneto statue.” “Oh, here they are…thanks!”
p. 437 – Star Trek: Deep Space Nine Station 1/3300-Scale Model Kit:
I was thinking “did someone actually have to determine this was exactly
1/3300 scale” and “what if they just sorta guesstimated…’oh, it’s, um, 1/2990 scale,’ who’s gonna check” and then I remembered “oh, right, it’s Star Trek.”
p. 440 – Marvel Comics Hawkeye Classic Avengers Fine Art Statue:
Okay, hold on to your shorts, it’s time to separate the nerds from the boys with the following joke:
“Man, just look at those powerful gloved hands!”
(EDIT 6/3/12: Reader Ed explains.)
p. 442 – Star Wars Boba Fett Return of the Jedi Ver. Artfx+ Statue:
Can I also rearrange his limbs into flailing positions to reenact his being taken out by a blind Han Solo and falling into the Sarlacc pit like a chump?
p. 450 – Peanuts Ultra Detail Figures:
There’s something about a three-dimensional representation of Charlie Brown that’s always disturbing. Of course, that may just be I looked at these old 3D sculpture ViewMaster reels
of the Peanuts gang as a kid, which are absolutely
terrifying and have colored my perceptions of such things for all time.
p. 456 – One Piece Arlong Figuarts Zero:
“AAAARGH! WHY DID NO ONE WARN ME ABOUT DRINKING COLLOIDAL SILVER?”
p. 470 – KISS Panda Plushies:
“Hi! Were you planning on sleeping tonight? …Good! We’ll see you there! Pleasant dreams!”
Don’t let my reduced posting schedule fool you…I’m still keeping tabs on the End of Civilization, which should be ending, oh…any time now, I think. Please dress appropriately. Anyway, pop open your copy of Diamond Previews, the May 2012 edition, and let us observe the wonders as they pass before us:
p. 96 – Superman #11:
It’s terrible. …Next question?
p. 152 – Before Watchmen: Rorschach Statue:
“There he was, just walkin’ down the street
Singin’ ‘hrm hurm hurmy hurmy hrm hurmy hurm.’”
p. 154 – Ame-Comi Heroine Series Arisia PVC Figure:
Somehow this makes that whole storyline where Hal Jordan enters a relationship with Arisia after she uses her ring to age herself from adolescence to adulthood even worse
p. 158 – Jericho Season 4 #1:
You know, if I wait long enough, I’ll finally get that Otherworld: Season Two
comic book series that I’ve been waiting for. JUST YOU WATCH.
p. 169 – Star Trek The Next Generation/Doctor Who: Assimilation2:
This issue: The Fourth Doctor meets Captain Kirk! Next issue: the Peter Cushing Doctor Who meets the post-reboot Enterprise crew!
p. 236 – Glamourpuss #26:
And now, exhibit A in how it’s hard to explain why I like this comic:
“It’s Zootanapuss vs. Cosplay Lass and her Kosupure Kaos Posse. Who will win? Can Bunny face down Mr. Rat, da Killa Chinchilla? Toma dis Kitty put you in a coma? QT McWhiskers, yo butt be will kiskers? Also in the History of Photorealism in Comics, Dave Sim continues to compare the various versions of the September 6, 1956 car accident that claimed the life of Alex Raymond.”
God bless you, Dave. You keep printin’ it, I’ll keep readin’ it.
p. 357 – DC Super Pets: Swamp Thing vs. Zombie Pets TP:
Yes I’m getting it shut up
p. 374 – Watchmen Dr. Manhattan Symbol T-Shirt:
p. 386 – Star Wars Death Star Magnetic Bottle Opener:
Admiral Motti: “This bottle opener is now the ultimate power in the universe! I suggest we use it!”
Darth Vader: “Don’t be too proud of this technological terror you’ve constructed. The ability to pop open a Bud is insignificant next to the potential of the Force.”
Admiral Motti: “Dude, c’mon, just toss me a bottle from the cooler. You’re standing right there.”
p. 398 – Yummy Black & White Cookie Plush:
Kirk: “You’re black on one side and white on the other.”
Yummy Black & White Cookie Plush: “I am black on the right side.”
Kirk: “I fail to see the significant difference.”
Yummy Black & White Cookie Plush: “He is white on the right side. All of his people are white on the right side. Clearly I am yummier.”
p. 411 – Star Trek USS Enterprise Plush:
“Captain, our ship has been converted to a…squishy material via as-yet-unknown means, and we are being grasped by a giant hand.”
“…What is this? Fourth season? Fifth? What’s happened to our scripts? …Oh, for the days of ‘Spock’s Brain.’”
p. 419 – Harry Potter Mechanical Death Eater:
You know, someone out there is, by default, the World’s Biggest Mechanical Death Eater Fan. Probably without even knowing it.
p. 419 – Green Lantern Movie Prop Ring:
Replica prop ring: $35. Actual ring worn in the film: Oh, I don’t know, maybe $50 or so. …How ’bout $45?
p. 426 – The Relic: Kathoga Creature Pre-Built Model:
Is this is a good time to complain that Agent Pendergast got screwed out of appearing in this film? …No? Okay.
p. 427 – Star Wars Death Trooper Statue:
…I’ve been sitting here for more than a few minutes trying to think of a gag for this thing and…well, words fail me, apparently. Is it not enough simply that this exists?
p. 434 – Disney Mickey Mouse Ultra Detail Figures:
I’m going to assume, for no good reason, this is a Mickey Mouse version of the Tron Guy
. Maybe a Mickey Mouse version of this fella
can be next.
p. 452 – Crusty Zombie Toenails Snack:
Is there like a contest to see just how gross a name you can but on a food item and still get people to eat it? There was like “Dried Zombie Skin,” and various drinks pretending to be blood, and there’s Soylent Green Crackers on the same page as this toenails thing. “So, wha’cha eating?” “Oh, just some Intestinal Choco-Pellets.” “…Excuse me, going to throw up.” “‘Throw-ups?’ I have a bag of those, too!” “…Urp!
p. 462 – Spider-Man 14″ Super Deformed Plush:
I swear, at first glance I thought this was a Spider-Man head resting on top of a hand, like our old pal Cranius
. …That would make shooting his webbing a bit awkward, I’d bet.
Marvel Previews p. 11 – Wolverine and the X-Men #14:
…Why, with Japanese-Porn Man, of course!
Marvel Previews p. 45 – Space Punisher #1:
…That’ll do, Marvel. That’ll do.
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