It’s back, and more annoying than ever…the End of Civilization, as we gaze ahead two to three months (or up to six months, in the case of some merchandise) to see what dangers loom ahead for the world that we know. Take out your copy of the Diamond Previews, June 2015 edition, and follow along as we see what terrrors await us all:
p. 129 – Deathstroke Book and Mask Set:
If only this existed back when Seduction of the Innocent was published…we could have had manufactured data about kids putting their own eyes out pretending to be Slade Wilson.
p. 140 – Central City Police Badge:
Kids wearing their Central City Police Badge replicas, facing off against kids with their Gotham City Police Badge replicas on the playground, arguing all recess over who has jurisdiction. Oh, what a world that would be.
p. 146 – DC Comics Swamp Thing Action Figure:
“Excuse me, I don’t see the words ‘glow-in-the-dark’ anywhere in this solicitation. Do you expect me to go through life with only two different glow-in-the-dark Swamp Thing figures?”
p. 155 – Godzilla in Hell #2:
“On the Third Circle of Hell, we find the Gluttonous. On the Fourth Circle of Hell, the Greedy. On the Fifth Circle…Rodan.”
p. 157 – Star Trek/Green Lantern #2:
You know, if the Guardians of the Universe just gave Green Lantern rings to tribbles, they’d have the galaxy cleaned up in no time.
p. 217 – Sex Criminals #13 Coop XXX Variant:
Hold on just a second…Coop, doing a naughty picture for a variant cover? Well, I certainly find that hard to believe.
p. 276 – Ink for Beginners A Comic Guide to Getting Tattooed:
Okay, here’s something I’ve probably mentioned here before, but this is good comic-related tattoo advice, based on an absolutely true story.
One day, some folks from a local tattoo emporium dropped by and took some of our freebies — Comic Shop News, some Marvel flyers, etc. — to take back to their place. Some time later, one of those fellows returned to the shop and asked if I could answer a question for him. “Sure,” I said, and he immediately pulled up a sleeve to reveal a large forearm tattoo of a Marvel character.
“Who’s this?” he asked. HE ASKED. OF THE IMAGE PERMANENTLY EMBEDDED ON HIS FOREARM.
“Uh…it’s X-23,” I managed to say, not quite believing that this was happening.
“Thanks!” the fella said.
Well, I mean, I guess he was happy, so who am I do judge, but seriously…if you don’t know who a particular character is and are sort of maybe curious about it, the time to find out that information is quite possibly prior to having that character become a permanent part of your body. Just a little bit of advice from your pal Mike to you.
p. 471 – Jurassic World Velociraptor Claws:
Finally they found a use for that warehouse full of unsold Hulk 2099 fists.
p. 494 – Stan Lee 1/6-Scale Action Figure:
I see the smaller scale prototypes are in for how they’re going to replace the real Stan when he can’t do film cameos any more.
p. 494 – The Simpsons Homer Buddha 3-Inch Figure:
There were apparently some marketing issues with the Ned Flanders Jesus figure.
p. 497 – Masters of the Universe Man-at-Arms 1/4 Scale Figure:
“Tom Selleck in a role you won’t soon forget.”
p. 508 – Attack on Titan Levi 1/8-Scale PVC Figurine:
Now if that top of that Titan head that functions as a base were actually some kind of rubbery skullcap, why, you’d have the fanciest topper at the ball, that’s what you’d have.
p. 530 – Hybrid Metal Figuration “Superman DC Comics Version” Figure:
These continuing redesigns of the New 52 Superman are just getting weirder and weirder.
p. 561 – Avengers Age of Ultron 5-Inch Bobbleheads:
“Rick Moranis is ‘Iron Helmet’ in Mel Brooks’s Avengers 3: Men in Spandex.”
p. 566 – Gumby Many Moods Bendable Figure Box Set:
I liked Gumby better when he was just fighting crime on Earth, instead of all these different Gumby Corps fighting each other in space all the time.
p. 567 – The Walking Dead RV Walker Ceramic Cookie Jar:
Little Billy: “Grandma, can I have a cookie?”
Grandma: “Oh, certainly dear, help yourself. They’re in the kitchen.”
Little Billy: “Okay, I’ll go get one right…AAAAAAAH! NEVER MIND, I DON’T WANT ONE!”
Grandma [whispering to herself]: “yessssssss, more cookies for me, excellent”
p. 572 – Dungeons & Dragons Beholder Dice Bag:
The second item on today’s list that should have been a hat.
p. FS1 – The Top Ten Greatest Comic Book Video Games article:
UM ACTUALLY YOU FORGOT
Marvel Previews p. 100 – Fallen Son The Death of Captain America TPB:
“If only there were some way we could relive those couple of months where we all pretended Captain America was dead ‘n’ gone for good.”
Back after a brief hiatus, the End of Civilization returns to warn you what awaits in your local comic shop’s future! Forewarned is four-armed, after all, so crack open your copy of Diamond Previews March 2015 edition and follow along! Also, here’s hoping enough of you read the Dirk Gently novels to know what I’m talking about in my alleged joke for it:
p. 42 – Fight Club 2 #1:
“The Third Rule of Fight Club is that a Fight Club must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Law.”
“The Third Rule of Fight Club is just keep on talking about Fight Club and its rules, I mean what the hell at this point, right?”
“Um actually there are eight rules of Fight Club, your jokes are dumb”
p. 112 – Convergence: Swamp Thing #2:
So if you’re a big dope like me and just have to be a completist about certain characters, then you end up doing dumb things like buying both the main cover of Convergence: Swamp Thing #2 (the big pic there) and the Chip Kidd-designed “variant” cover (the little inset), even if you think the “variant” is, well, kinda so-so. I mean, maybe when all those variants are up on the rack they’ll give an impression of, well, some kind, but just on its own…I don’t know. I may have poked some slight fun at the design with an image on the Twitters recently:
p. 153 – The Flash Reverse-Flash Ring:
“Hey, I really like your Flash ring!”
“Actually, it’s the Reverse-Flash ring, worn by the Flash’s arch…enemy, um…from the future…uh, yeah, I really like my Flash ring, too.”
p. 155 – Wonder Woman The Art of War Wonder Woman by Robert Valley Statue:
Man, the Lady Apple Bonkers are hot:
ALTERNATE GAG: That statue’s legs are almost as long as the statue’s name.
p. 161 – Dirk Gently’s Holistic Detective Agency #1:
I’m kind of hoping there’s a plotline in the comic about how they have to go back in time to prevent Keven Smith from finishing Daredevil/Bullseye: The Target in order to save the universe.
p. 436 – The Art of the Pimp: One Man’s Search for Love, Sex and Money:
“Dennis Hof, proprietor of the world-famous Moonlite BunnyRanch brothel and the P.T. Barnum of prostitution, charts his path to fame and infamy, while dispensing homespun wisdom about sex, sales, money, and how to live as the country’s most recognizable pimp. In The Art of the Pimp, Dennis Hof offers a hilarious, insightful, behind-the-scenes look at life as the proprietor of The Moonlight BunnyRanch and recounts his chaotic life as the king of America’s sex industry.”
p. 482 – Firefly Jayne Cobb with Hat Legacy Collection Action Figure:
Actually, it’s about ethics in knit caps.
p. 490 – Batman 1966 Dynamic Duo Monolith:
Say, why don’t we have a giant statue for Batman and Robin? Maybe we can just hit Mount Rushmore and slap a cowl on George Washington and a mask on Jefferson…and, I don’t know, dye Roosevelt white and green and put a luchador mask on Lincoln. Just spitballin’ here.
While we think about that, please enjoy Batman’s visit to Rushmore:
p. 492 – Avengers Coulson’s Captain America Trading Card Set II:
So Coulson just had card sets in every pocket while he was runnin’ around doin’ stuff in the Avengers movie? Did he have Force Works pogs in his socks? A Nomad phone card in his wallet?
p. 556 – My Little Pony Rainbow Dash Hooded Throw:
Oh, hey, to go with your Doctor Who pony, your very own Lady Cassandra pony:
p. 558 – Roddenberry Trek Fish Car Emblem:
“What does God need with a bumper sticker?”
p. 559 – Star Wars Darth Vader Comfy Throw Fleece Blanket with Sleeves:
Man, even in the upcoming sequels they’ve found a way to undermine Vader’s villainy.
p. 560 – Zombie Window Buddies Decal Sets:
Sure to delight any nearsighted traffic cops that happen to be in your neighborhood!
Marvel Previews p. 131 – Miles Morales Ultimate Spider-Man Vol. 2 – Revelations TPB:
Okay, it’s been a while since I’ve fully performed my civic duty of gazing into the mists of the future and divining what terrors await us all. Now that my store is open, however, and surely everything there will run perfectly smoothly with no unexpected problems cropping up ever at any time, I can finally turn my full attention to warning you…yes, you…of the future that’s coming. Grab your copy of Diamond Previews, the December 2014 edition, and follow along, and also try to guess what joke I totally had to Google-research:
p. 82 – Justice League Dark #39:
Ah, DC’s doing some Marvel-style “killing the goose to get the golden eggs” this month by slapping Harley Quinn on all the variant covers, which may burn out interest in the character once and for all. That said…this Scooby-Doo inspired variant for Justice League Dark makes me want an issue of Scooby-Doo Team-Up with Swamp Thing, or even better, someone editing together Scooby cartoons with the Swampy cartoon from the ’90s so we can finally get that scene with Shaggy and Scooby and Swamp Thing chasing each other in and out of an endless hallway of doors while some generic rock-pop song plays in the background.
p. 144 – DC Comics The Justice League Starter Poker Set:
Speaking of Swamp Thing, that looks like him on one of the cards, there, which could lead to some problems: “Hey, Mike’s smiling again…he must have the Ace of Clubs.”
p. 255 – Say My Name T-Shirt:
Sure is nice of Warner Brothers to let Antarctic release a straight-up Shazam! t-shirt.
p. 299 – Lady Death Fetishes Special Deluxe Collector Box Set:
“A 10th anniversary special […] a complete set of first printing copies of all the covers of the Lady Death Fetishes Special! The amazing Deluxe Collector Box set features all 13 of the original covers: Regular, Angelic, Devil Girl, Latex, Lace, Leather, Mistress, Pixies, Art Nouveau, Dressing, Hellish Angel, Cyberbabe, and Bad Girl, and the original Platinum Foil and Gold Foil Editions! Plus, to top it off, a previously unreleased Ruby Red Foil Edition, only available with this set!”
On one hand, I want to make a joke like “paying the $119 retail for this set is practically a fetish for someone right there,” and on the other, I now have ideas for a series of themed ads for my store. “What costume is Mike wearing this w…OH GOD IT’S THE DEVIL GIRL COSTUME”
p. 411 – American Boobs HC:
p. 412 – Exploring Calvin and Hobbes SC:
At last, an in-depth examination of the prehistory for the modern art form of the peeing/praying/possibly both Car Window Kid stickers.
p. 413 – Secret Wars Audio CD:
Imagine my disappointment to discover this was an audio story, and not, say, 12 tracks of rockin’ hits based on the comic books. No “Spidey With The Black Suit On,” no “Hulk Under Pressure,” no “When A Molecule Man Loves A Woman.” Nertz to that.
p. 443 – Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Boxers:
One of the ways you can tell the Turtles apart is by the kind of instruments they’re holding.
p. 448 – Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back Monopoly Game:
Do not pass GO, do not snooch to the n — no…no, I’m sorry, I can’t do it.
p. 449 – Jay and Silent Bob Super Groovy Cartoon Movie Ceramic Mug:
The old gods need to reinvent themselves on occasion to keep themselves relevant. ALL HAIL THE NEW JANUS
p. 454 – Godzilla 2000 Sculpted Pizza Cutter:
Coming soon: the Godzuki Hot Pocket slicer.
p. 459 – Smurfs Monochrome 8-Inch Vinyl Figures:
“Ebon-Smurf and Ivor-Smurf smurf together in smurfy harmony
Side by side on my piano smurfboard, oh Papa Smurf why don’t we?”
p. 464 – Game of Thrones Collectable Dragon Egg Box:
I never thought Diamond would start carrying novelty golf balls, but here we are.
p. 494 – Tamashii Effect Explosion:
“Mom, this popcorn tastes funny.”
“NO, MY KUUJINMARU MACHINE HERO WATARU DIORAMA, RUINED!”
Yeah, I’ll probably be back into the End of Civilization swing of things next month, but I didn’t want this month to go by without noting these goodies from the November Diamond Previews, like the Batman Retro 1966 TV Series Tied-Up Action Figures on page 445:
As a wise man once said…oh, wait, that was me…”this is a fetish for someone.”
Oookay, there, Boy Wonder, simmer down.
Then on page 514 is this parade of Doctor Who Sonic Screwdriver-esque items:
…which just goes to show you that there’s nobody who says “no” in the BBC’s licensing department. However, I suspect this is reassuring to folks who know their weird nephew is really into that TV show about the British guy and his magic flying box and there will never be a shortage of things to buy him for those various gift-giving occasions.
…Though those same folks may hesitate a bit at this Doctor Who wristband on page 515:
…which apparently commemorates that one time the TARDIS farted.
Ah, Progressive Ruin…come for the incessant plugging of the shop, stay for the classy jokes. Thanks, everyone, and good night! Tip your waitresses!
Just get out your copy of the October 2014 Diamond Previews and look at this thing. JUST LOOK AT IT:
p. 455 – Buffy the Vampire Slayer Mr. Pointy 12-Inch Plush:
So the very first End of Civilization post was a Buffy stake replica made from real wood and kept in a fancy box, and now here we are, with this soft fabric carrot-y looking thing, which, to be fair, seems to be a fairly accurate representation of the item from the TV show. This is how far we’ve come in that nearly ten-year span.
TEN YEARS FROM NOW: “Buffy the Vampire Slayer Stake Costume – dress like your favorite Buffy prop based on designs meticulously recreated from carefully selected stills from the show!”
TEN YEARS AFTER THAT: “Buffy the Vampire Slayer Talking Stake! One press of a button is all it takes to hear ‘You’ve been Buffied!’ and ‘WILLOW POWERS ACTIVATE’ and ‘What accent is that exactly, Spike?’ and lots more of your favorite Buffy catchphrases!”
AND TEN YEARS AFTER THAT: “Buffy the Vampire Slayer Hard Light Hologram Stake – actually it’s just a clear plastic thing with some fiber optic lights inside, but IT’S THE FUTURE! HARD LIGHT HOLOGRAM sounds FUTURE-Y!”
AND YET ANOTHER TEN YEARS AFTER THAT: “Buffy the Vampire Slayer Pill-Holding Stake Replica – all you Buffy fans have to keep close tabs on your meds, especially at your age, so let this stake do the work for you! Secure compartments marked with each day of the week ensure you take your Monday pills on Monday!”
AND THEN TEN MORE YEARS: “Buffy the Vampire Slayer Replica Stake Funeral Urn” — and let’s just stop right there.
You! Yes, you! You must heed my warning! I have come from the far-flung future of November 2014 to warn you primitive savages of the tragic future that’s coming! Look to your current day Previews almanac, the September 2014 edition, and learn well from it as I guide you through it and point out the terrors that await you!
Also, there’s a spoiler in here for The Man of Steel film! I understand you ancient peoples still revere the moving picture and the sanctity of its secrets!
p. 126 – Injustice Gods Among Us Year Three #3:
Oh, sure, Swamp Thing’s not good enough for your precious video game, but you’ll put him in the tie-in comic. I see how it is, thinking we Swamp Thing fans are so easily swayed after your earlier refusal to pander to our needs.
‘Course, I’ll buy it anyway, because I’m a chump.
p. 150 – Superman The Man of Steel Superman by Moebius Statue:
Now the solicitation says “this newest entry in the line of statues based on the artwork from SUPERMAN #400,” and I don’t know if that means “this is our newest Superman statue, and this one is based on the illustration from Superman #400″ or “this is the latest in our series of Superman #400-inspired statues,” because I sure don’t remember any previously-statued renditions of Superman #400 pin-ups. I’d certainly remember this one:
Wouldn’t that look good, seemingly busting out of your wall in your house’s study or sitting room?
p. 159 – Angry Birds/Transformers #1:
Uh, guys, it’s okay if you don’t want to cross over things. You really don’t have to.
p. 242 – The Walking Dead Rick Grimes TV 10-Inch Action Figure:
Oh, the ad says “Rick.”
p. 259 – Ewoking Dead T-Shirt:
This may be hypocritical of me, given what I just said about the Angry Birds/Transformers comic, and I don’t know if these shirts are getting better or I’m just getting soft in my old age, but…man, I can’t help it, I think “Ewoking Dead” is kind of funny.
Don’t look at me like that.
p. 473 – Legends of Cthulhu Spawn of Cthulhu Action Figure:
These are about the same size, and close enough in appearance, to the old Star Wars action figures. That would have made my playtime a lot different as a child:
“‘The most merciful thing in the world, I think, is the inability of the human mind to correlate all its contents. Some day the piecing together of dissociated knowledge will open up such terrifying vistas of reality, and of our frightful position therein, that we shall either go mad from the revelation or flee from the light into the peace and safety of a new Dark Age.’
“C’MON MIKE, that’s not what Obi-Wan says about the Force!”
p. 474 – Man of Steel Superman 10-Inch Plush:
Just imagine those cutesy-wutsey puffy hands around Zod’s head, breaking his neck. Why, that would be adorable!
p. 480 – Battlestar Galactica Viper MKH Super-Deform Model Kit:
This is what Starbuck’s ship looks like after he’s had a few drafts of ambrosa and bumps the back of the launch bay during landings a few too many times.
Also, I’m picturing the base as little Flintstones-type feet that spin around in a circle before the ship dashes off, a little deformed Viper shaped puff of smoke left behind.
p. 484 – Man-Thing 1/4-Scale Statue:
This statue better be 21 inches tall, one-fourth of Man-Thing’s documented seven foot height, as indicated in Official Handbook of the Marvel Universe Deluxe Edition #8 (1986), or there’s going to be trouble.
Also, I will be accepting donations to help me purchase one of these for myself. Oh no, no need to thank me for allowing you to contribute.
p. 486 – Star Wars Life-Size Vintage Boba Fett Monument:
This Life-Size Boba Fett statue is the edition with the non-firing backpack cannon, after the possible choking hazard threatened by the first version. And by “choking” I mean “taking heads clean off.”
p. 491 – Marvel Deadpool Marvel Now ArtFX+ Statue:
To represent the character even more accurately, they should release four or five marginally different Deadpool statues all at the same time.
p. 502 – Doctor Who The Impossible Set:
Remember that episode where the Doctor and Carla cosplayed as Willy Wonka and Veruca Salt? That was a good one.
p. 523 – Pop! The Walking Dead Vinyl Figures:
Okay, at first glance:
…I thought this was a Charlie Brown zombie. It’s that jagged gap across the stomach that got me.
In fact, as I look at this larger scan…it has to be Charlie Brown. He even has that little tuft of hair at the top of his head. If the next set has a scraggly-haired zombie carrying remnants of a raggedy blue blanket, I’ll know I was onto something.
Marvel Previews p. 24-6 – New Avengers #26-#27, Avengers #38:
Wow, something big is happening in these two Avengers titles, and it’s only six months and approximately 15 to 20 issues away!
Oh, sure, all those folks are down there in San Diego at the convention, experiencing their very own personal Ends of Civilization, but that won’t stop me from giving you all your regular frog-march through the latest installment of Previews! Grab your August 2014 edition of that esteemed publication and follow along with me:
p. 113 – Harley Quinn Annual #1:
Sure, a special “Scratch and Sniff” issue sounds like fun now, but should Scott Shaw! ever bring back his comic character The Turd, well….
p. 131 – Superman Unchained Deluxe Edition HC:
Hey, I wonder if DC will let us trade in all those #1s we ordered back when we thought this was an ongoing series as credit against orders on this book. That’d be pretty swell.
p. 146 – DC Comics Cover Girls Starfire Statue:
“Hi, Superman! I see you got your shorts back!”
p. 146 – Superman The Man of Steel Superman by Gary Frank Statue:
“Yes, and, oddly enough, I feel so free! Also, how come my statue isn’t called ‘DC Comics Cover Boys?’ I’ve been on covers!”
p. 163 – Edward Scissorhands #1:
Answering all those questions the original film didn’t address, like…c’mon, putting a vast array of unwieldy sharp blades at the ends of his arms? Vincent Price couldn’t put, like, rubber caps on the stumps ’til the hands were ready? Or maybe not activating Edward ’til he was finished? You know, stuff like that?
p. 252 – Rachel Rising #29:
Wow, Lady Death sure looks like she’s mellowed out a bit.
p. 260-1 – Antarctic Press Steampunk Month:
That’s like Aspen Comics advertising “New First Issue Month.”
p. 261 – JAWaS T-Shirt:
Oh, please, another mash-up? Do we really need yet another…um, another…well, okay, I kind of like this one. LOOK, I’M ONLY HUMAN
p. 375 – The Gigantic Beard That Was Evil:
Now what am I going to call my tell-all Alan Moore biography?
p. 434 – Modern Sci-Fi Films FAQ:
“So, do humans really only use 10% of their brains?”
“Was Prometheus any good?”
“Is R2-D2 the best character in the entire Star Wars saga?”
p. 437 – Push Start The Art of Video Games:
Hopefully it’ll include this rare Andy Warhol piece featuring the Hero from the Atari 2600’s Adventure:
p. 440 – DC Chess Collection #70 Constantine (White Pawn):
I wonder how John Constantine would feel about being a pawn. Too bad there’s no “Arrogant Bastard” piece…well, maybe the Knight.
p. 442 – Jack Kirby Collector #64:
In this issue: FORESHORTENING
p. 473 – Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back Cock-Knocker Retro Action Figure:
The barrier’s been breached, boys…you can totally use “cock” as a slang term for “penis” in the pages of Previews. What brave new world we have entered, my friends…what brave new world.
p. 522 – Doctor Who Tardis Spatula, Tardis Tray, “Bigger on the Inside” Welcome Mat:
Once Google Glass (or its competitors/successors) gets to be a little more prevalent, someone will develop an app that will digitally “skin” whatever you look at with whatever imagery you’d like.
These Doctor Who products will give you a little preview of that future.
p. 528 – Sherlock 1/6-Scale Figures:
Well, yeah, $230 bucks each seems a bit steep, but it’s so long between batches of episodes that you’ll be glad to have these figures around to act out your own episodes, fighting crime, solving mysteries, studying clues, kissing each other, racing after suspects, getting into disagreements but working it all out in the end, worrying about…what’s that? Yes, I said “getting into disagreements,” what about it?
p. 552 – Star Wars Millennium Falcon Chopping Board:
“Chewie, I hear a knocking sound from the top of the Falcon! Go check it out!”
“Get up there you big, furry oaf! I don’t care if it does smell like onions!”
Marvel Previews p. 12 et al. – Death of Wolverine The Logan Legacy #1, #2….:
Guys, they wouldn’t be putting out all these Death of Wolverine tie-in comics unless, as it says in the solicitations, he really was “now gone forever” and “permanently out of the picture.” There will never, ever be a “Return of Wolverine” event with a boatload of tie-ins, mark my words.
Once again the end is nigh, and let us go together through this prophetic tome of doom (AKA Diamond Previews July 2014 edition) and see what awaits. Note: contains one local reference for punk rock fans or close readers of Love and Rockets, and a couple of links to YouTube files, at least one of which should not be clicked on in the presence of loved ones, the family pastor, or sensitive rodents. LET THE END BEGIN:
p. 90 – Superman Unchained #9:
It’s the final issue of what turned out to be a mini-series, which retailers weren’t warned about when it started, so it sure is nice for DC to buy back all those #1s everyone way overordered back then…wait, what? They’re not? Ah, well, that’s okay. Quarter boxes exist for a reason — right, two-or-three-relaunches-back Marvel series?
“SPECIAL NOTE TO INVESTORS: probably too late to start trying to buy Big Hero 6 back issues for quick fat-cash turnaround.”
Also, “From the creators of Wreck-It Ralph and Frozen.” Great, I loved their work in the original Big Hero 6 comics.
p. 413 – Doctor Who Mad Libs:
“Fezzes are [adjective rhyming with ‘pool’]!”
“It’s [adjective rhyming with ‘digger’] on the inside!”
“Oh for God’s sake it’s [just write in ‘Rose’ here] again.”
p. 474 – Firefly Malcolm Reynolds 1/6-Scale Action Figure:
Sure, at $179.95 the price seems a bit steep, but this is a high-quality figure with which you can act out your own new Firefly adventures for a good, long time, since the actual show is never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever coming back to TV.
p. 482 – Re-Animator Finger Creature 1/1-Scale Prop Replica:
Sure, that’s all well and good, but will they be doing a prop replica of that…other reanimated creature from the third film Beyond Re-Animator? (WARNING: Link not safe for work, or pretty much anywhere)
p. 511 – Star Wars Rebels Medium Talking Plushies:
This magical plushie doll comes in the shape of the Star Wars Rebels logo, and says “I’m a Disney/Lucasfilm trademark” whenever it’s lovingly squeezed!
p. 521 – Pop! Breaking Bad Vinyl Figures:
I’m glad to see Breaking Bad Babies is finally getting some traction. Also, there may be a spoiler in that figure assortment.
p. 528 – Marvel’s Guardians of the Galaxy masks:
Well, my wardrobe for the coming fetish ball is all sorted out. Also, what if Baron Zemo was wearing one of those Rocket Raccoon masks instead of that other thing he had on when that accident with Adhesive-X permanently bonded it to his skin? Marvel’s WWII would have gone slightly differently, I’ll tell you that for free.
p. 535-6 – Assorted Walking Dead masks:
You know, this gives me an idea to help all those costume companies avoid heavy expenses with any defective masks that come off the assembly line (or whatever). If the mask comes out deformed or torn or whatever, just paint it to look like rotting bloody flesh and call it a “zombie mask!” I mean, what the heck, right? No one’s going to complain it doesn’t look like a zombie. Like, say, those Guardians of the Galaxy masks. If you had a bad batch come through, just slap a new paintjob on them and suddenly you have “Tree Zombie,” “Zombie Raccoon,” and “Ummm…Darth Zombie, I Guess.”
No need to thank me.
p. 536 – Walking Dead Rick Grimes Machete:
You can buy this for $19, or, um, you know. Of course, you’d have to put the blood spatter on it yourself, but that was just a suggestion, Your Honor, I didn’t actually tell anyone they had to do that.
p. 537 – Galaga Pillow:
So I can just wait for one of those mothership thingies to swoop down and grab my pillow with its tractor beam, I can shoot it later and suddenly have two pillows! My plan is flawless!
Here he comes, here comes Progressive Ruin, he’s a demon on Previews, as we once again take a look through the industry catalog to see what’s ahead of us on the funnybook racetrack. Grab your copy of the June 2014 Diamond Previews, leave this tortured introduction behind, and let’s gaze into the world that’s coming:
p. 94 – Star Spangled War Stories Featuring G.I. Zombie #2:
Man, if anything called out for one of those 3D covers, it’s this trial run for DC’s “Giant Phallic Symbol Cover Month!”
p. 111 – Harley Quinn #9 & #10:
Two issues scheduled for the month? Well, that’s one way DC can catch up with Marvel.
p. 158 – Cerebus High Society Digital/Audio Experience:
Dave Sim reading Cerebus to you, doing all the different voices, plus sound effects and music and such, while the panels progress before you, all on DVD.
This has inspired a similar project from me, “The Progressive Ruin Experience,” where I’ll just come to your homes and read off old website posts to you. And eat your food. And probably rifle through your wallets and purses when you aren’t looking. INVITE ME IN.
p. 233 – Spawn #246:
You know how I’m usually against constant reboots and restarting series with new first issues and all that? Well, for certain cases, I’d make an exception.
p. 254 – Momeye the Sailor Scout #1:
“She’s Momeye the Sailor Scout! She’s Momeye the Sailor Scout! She gets her bravado from fresh avocados, she’s Momeye the Sailor Scout! In this action/comedy from Fred Perry, Magical Sailor Scout Momeye and her best frenemy, Bruta buddy-brawl their way though one adventure after another. It’s not just gender-bent, it’s gender-punched through the celiing!”
I…I, uh…um…I don’t….
…Okay, you got me. I can’t resist a Popeye parody. But someone’s going to pay for “she gets her bravado from fresh avocados” — and I think that someone…is all of us.
p. 415 – Soul of the Dark Knight SC:
Finally detailing those lost early years of Bruce Wayne during his time at Motown.
p. 419 – Doctor Who The Official Guide on How to Be A Timelord HC:
First, be fictional. Next, um, wear a fez, I think. And be all timey…wimey, right? Is that it? Then kidnap innocent people and make them travel in time with you. And get a robot dog, but surely that goes without saying.
p. 421 – Star Wars in 100 Scenes:
NOTE: all scenes personally reedited by George Lucas to match his final, final vision of the films. Greedo shooting Lando during the Death Star II battle. Ewoks dancing and singing before Senator Palpatine at the Hoth rebel base. Chewbacca running over Jar Jar with Luke’s landspeeder while being chased by the Geonosian army. Biggs is everywhere. The Return of the Jedi post-credit sequence, with the rise of Darth Yoda, his little ears sticking out from either side of his black helmet. All of your favorite moments, featured in this exciting volume!
p. 425 – Marvel Chess Collection Absorbing Man:
Unfortunately, this piece tends to confuse things by turning light or dark depending on what square he’s on.
p. 434 – Doctor Who Stacked Tenth Doctor White T-shirt:
Ah, so it is “timey-wimey.” Also, Time Lord skeletons look weird.
p. 436 – Previews Exclusive Clothing spot ad:
Okay, I wasn’t paying attention when I turned the page, and had my hand covering up part of this image when I looked down and I thought, very briefly, that Diamond was selling shirts with this logo. Not sure if I’m relieved or disappointed by the truth.
p. 442 – Hawkeye Minimalist T-Shirt:
“Hey, I like purple books, too!”
“Uh, that’s not….”
“Dude, I thought Snake Eye’s mask was silver.”
“I don’t like that your shirt’s telling me to look down at your crotch, you weirdo.”
“BUT IT’S NOT…AUGH”
p. 448 – The Big Bang Theory “I Love Soft Kitty” Black Boxers:
This doesn’t say very good things about me, but “Soft Kitty” was not the first term I associated with that cat face.
p. 455 – Batman Classic TV Series Batman Vinyl Bank:
[drops coins into Best Batman Bank]
“Well done, old chum! It is always wise to put away a little money…for a rainy day.”
“Did…did you just talk to me, Best Batman Bank?”
“Of course, citizen! Open communication is the hallmark of a healthy society!”
“I…I love you, Best Batman Bank.”
p. 460 – Marvel The Infinity Gauntlet Bank & Gold Pewter Keyring:
Okay, bank, fine. Keyring, fine. How ’bout an actual wearable Infinity Gauntlet? This was close, I think, but, like, something affordable. And make it quick, this dishwashing glove with the marbles glued to it isn’t going to last much longer.
Marvel Previews p. 38 – Iron Fist The Living Weapon #5:
Free Comic Book Day is just around the corner, but even that happy day can’t forestall the coming End of Civilization, predicted right here in the newest Diamond Previews! Grab your copy of the May 2014 edition and follow along, why don’t you:
p. 122 – 136 – The New 52 Future’s End one-shots with 3D covers:
Okay, so ordering DC’s 3D covers last time was a pain in the ass, what with the allocations and shortages and the ensuing hoohar with people trying to grab whatever covers they could find and folks charging $10 apiece for them right out of the gate and I think you’ll agree with me that all sucked.
So now DC is getting orders on 3D covers with (hopefully) enough leadtime to (hopefully) meet demand, and given that the excessive demand last time was mostly based on customers knowing the covers were in short supply, now I have to decide what numbers will actually be enough, if the 3D is “done” and customers won’t be as interested, if overall orders will be conservative and suddenly it’ll seem like there’s not enough to go around and demand jumps again and we won’t have enough, or if everyone overorders and we’re stuck with huge expensive excesses, especially on titles like Grayson which are getting a 3D special one-shot without any reasonable idea how that series is going to sell, aside from the mostly moribund sales for the Nightwing series its replacing, and so on and so on.
Or maybe I’ll get lucky and be hit by a bus before I have to think about placing any of these orders.
p. 143 – Batman Death of the Family Book and the Joker Mask Set:
Comes with “a replica hand-painted vinyl latex mask of The Joker that features sewn-on hair and a white elastic band.” Apparently the do-it-yourself kit that just came with a knife and formaldehyde didn’t make it out of the planning stages.
p. 145 – Forever Evil HC:
Hopefully Volume 2 will include the seventh and final issue of the series, whenever that comes out.
p. 265 – Rabbids Invasion Super Plunger Sound Blaster:
Sometimes things in Previews will make me feel really, really old.
p. 290 – Life with Archie #36:
Ah, yes, the Death of Archie, which 1) I have to explain to everyone looking for it that it’s not really the end of Archie comics for all time, it’s a possible future, blah blah they’ve stopped listening already, and 2) it won’t be out for months, so hopefully you’ll still care when it finally happens this summer sometime!
And look at this totally guilty dude:
p. 298 – Extinction Parade War #1:
Does anyone ever read Avatar’s solicit text all the way through? Maybe they should sneak, I don’t know, a secret phone number in there for people to call for prizes.
p. 414 – Swampmen Muck-Monsters of the Comics SC:
Oooh don’t you tease me again with this book, Twomorrows.
p. 451 – DC Board Book Batman Shapes:
“And what does this shape look like, Batman?”
“And this one?”
“Er, okay. How ’bout this one?”
“M-MY PARENTS! A BLOO BLOO”
p. 451 – DC Board Book Superman Colors:
“And look, Superman, this one’s green!”
“Great Scott! Green (gasp) kryptonite! Feeling…weak! My powers…draining away!”
“Oh for God’s sake, Meryl Streep, it’s just cardboard.”
p. 451 – DC Super Friends Wonder Woman A Word Adventure! Board Book:
“‘It’s too what to make a Wonder Woman movie.’ It’s too what, now?”
“It’s too hard!”
“Yes, that’s right! Very good, Little Billy!”
p. 455 – The Twilight Zone FAQ SC:
“Which episode was the one….”
“‘Time Enough at Last,’ starring Burgess Meredith.”
“Well, what about…?”
“‘Nightmare at 20,000 Feet,’ starring William Shatner.”
“Okay, then what’s….”
“‘Showdown with Rance McGrew.’ Wow, no one ever asks about that one.”
p. 455 – The Big Butt Book 3D HC:
p. 470 – Topps 2014 Chrome Wacky Packages Trading Cards:
Seems to me like “chrome trading cards” would be the very sort of thing Wacky Packages would make fun of.
Dress Spider-Man three different ways: based on the original ’70s Mego figure, with an updated costume, or as Elvis Costello!
p. 535 – Misc. 300 Rise of an Empire prop replicas:
You know, given enough time, these could be ancient artifacts displayed in a museum. “Here are the originals from approximately 500 BC…and then about 2500 years later, another now-extinct civilization duplicated these weapons and armor using inferior materials, which seemingly resulted in that culture’s eventual defeat and downfall.”
p. 539 – Zombie Magneto Mini-Bust:
p. 548 – Freddy Krueger Bishoujo Statue:
You know, just when I thought Freddy Krueger couldn’t possibly be made even more sexy….
p. 557 – Doctor Who Large Tote Bags:
I know y’all like to show everyone you’re a fan of the Doctor, but for the luvva Pete don’t bring this one with you to the airport as carry-on.