Progressive Ruin presents…the End of Civilization.

§ October 10th, 2018 § Filed under End of Civilization § 11 Comments

Back to wear out its welcome for another month, it’s The End of Civilization, where we (you and me, I’m not takin’ the fall alone) plow through each new edition of Diamond Previews and note things of, um, note. So, grab your physical and/or digital copy of the October 2018 release and follow along:

p. 40 – Die #1:

Now we need a title called Die Die to fill the gap between Die and Die! Die! Die!…and then we can move foward to Die Die Die Die, or perhaps backwards to ” ”
 
 
p. 44 – Prodigy #1:


Yes, I was going to make a joke like “THIS ISSUE: VERSUS THE MENACE OF COMPUSERVE!” but that’s probably 1) super obvious, and 2) makes me seem really, really old.
 
 
p. 84 – Savage Dragon #241:


Not making fun…just saying Erik Larsen deserves a Nobel Prize for returning Captain Tootsie to the world of funnybooks. God bless that man.
 
 
p. 132 – Marvel Action Spider-Man #2:


You know, with IDW publishing “kid-friend” Marvel Comics (and really, just think about that idea for a second), I wonder if DC put in a bid to publish any of Marvel’s characters. Like, what’s Marvel doing with the U-Foes right now? Nuttin’, that’s what. They’d probably make good villains for the Terrifics. Anyway, that’d certainly be a turnaround on the old “Marvel Buys DC” rumors you used to hear.
 
 
p. 151 – Rick and Morty Dungeons & Dragons #4:


Now that that’s done, maybe we can get that Rick and Morty: TWERPS comic book/RPG crossover I’ve been waiting for.
 
 
p. 206 – Wizard Beach #1:


“Yer a surfer now, Harry!”

…Look, that’s all I got.
 
 
p. 259 – Barack Panther Vs. Tremendous Trump:


Oh sure, they fight at first, but then they join forces to defeat the combined menace of the Titanic Taft and the old hickory fists of Andrew Jackson.
 
 
p. 302 – Science Comics Polar Bears:


Foreword by noted superhero and polar bear fan Frank Cast–


–ooh, never mind.
 
 
p. M36 – Alien Xenomorph Foam Replica Wall Mounted Bust:


Finally, something a lot newer and slightly more phallic to replace that musty old portrait of Great Greandfather hanging over the mantle.
 
 
p. M38 – Batman Knight Missions Voice Changer Mask:


Changes your voice to Pee Wee Herman’s, oddly enough. Who would have guessed? “The Joker? AAAAARGH” “C’MON, PLAY RIGHT”
 
 
p. M41 – World of Miss Mindy The Little Mermaid Ariel 7-inch Vinyl Figure:

She was once a little red slab of clay
Mer-maid!
 
 
p. M50 – Golden Girls 8-inch Retro Action Figures:


“Well, sure, now that I have action figures of the world’s greatest superteam, who am I going to have them fight?”
 
 
p. M50 – Halloween Ultimate Michael Myers 7-inch Action Figure:


“Oh, well, of course.”
 
 
p. M52 – Nerf Infinus Blaster:


For only $78.99, show your enemies the true meaning of fear with the Infinus Blaster, Nerf’s deadliest and most terrifying weapon.
 
 
p. M52 – Nerf Rival Hades XVIII 6000 Blaster:


Hold on there…for only a buck more, you can get your hands around the grips of the Hades XVIII 6000. Send those wretched scum directly into the gaping maw of hell with Nerf’s greatest achievment in projectile tech.
 
 
p. M52 – Nerf Rival Prometheus MXVIII 20 Blaster:


…Well, greatest aside from the $229.99 Prometheus MXVIII 20…shatter the very planets themselves with the fearsome ultimate power of this magnificent device. Surely just over $200 is a small price to pay to be like unto a god.
 
 
p. M54 – Star Wars Collectors Gallery Han Solo Carbonite Statue:


Well, I guess you could settle for this 1/8 scale version…if you’re too much of a coward to get that 1/1 scale edition. C’mon, what are you…chicken?
 
 
p. M89 – Grendizer Gedo Gedo 16-inch Vinyl Figure:


Man, Pickle Rick merchandise is just getting more and more weird.
 
 
p. M108 – Alien Xenomorph Hardcover Journal:


“So what’cha writing in your Alien Xenomorph journal, Mike?”

“NOTHING, SHUT UP” [quickly covers page where “Mrs. Mike Xenomorph” is written repeatedly]
 
 
p. M113 – The Goonies One-Eyed Willie Hardcover Journal:


“What’s that you got there?”

“My One-Eyed Willie journal!”

“Oh. Um, okay, I guess it’s neat that you log every time you masturbate.”
 
 
p. M119 – Star Trek The Original Series Tribble Plush Keychain:


“What can we do with these novelty replica cat hairballs? That sure flopped.”

“Hold on, I have an idea!”
 
 
p. M127 – Hellboy The Board Game:


“Go to hell. Go straight to hell. Do not pass GO….”

“Um, Mike, this isn’t Monopoly.”

“I DON’T CARE, I LIKE THIS JOKE.”
 
 
p. M128 – Ren and Stimpy Monopoly Board Game:


Do not pass, like, say, the mid-1990s. Really, stay in the early ’90s, don’t go any further.

11 Responses to “Progressive Ruin presents…the End of Civilization.”

  • Joe C says:

    I like how you say the Compuserve reference ages you but the Gumby one just slides right by.

  • Jer says:

    Those Golden Girls figures look more like they might be a Robot Chicken tie-in than anything else. What’s with the clothes? I mean, I lived through the 80s/90s and yes our clothes were often bulky and weird back then but not like whatever the Bea Arthur figure is wearing there.

  • Thelonious_Nick says:

    So help me, those Golden Girls (action?) figures look really, really enticing.

  • Thelonious_Nick says:

    ““Well, sure, now that I have action figures of the world’s greatest superteam, who am I going to have them fight?””

    Sanford & Son? The Bosom Buddies? Norm, Cliff, Sam, and Woody?

  • Mikester says:

    Joe C – GUMBY IS AGELESS AND ETERNAL

  • 1) I actually want to buy that Savage Dragon funny book.
    2) Co-Created by C.C. Beck!
    3) If Captain Tootsie isn’t powered by a burst of energy from delicious Tootsie Rolls, I will demand my money back.

  • Joe C says:

    Of course he is, Mike! Hard to believe he even appeared in comics drawn by someone as illustrious as Art Adams.

    Now I’m curious if Larson has to clear any rights to use ol’ Cap Toots.

  • Brian says:

    “Those Golden Girls figures look more like they might be a Robot Chicken tie-in than anything else. What’s with the clothes? I mean, I lived through the 80s/90s and yes our clothes were often bulky and weird back then but not like whatever the Bea Arthur figure is wearing there.”

    Alright, there’s our “I feel old” moment of the page, 1970s Mego figures (upon which Robot Chicken characters are based) now being replaced in the zeitgeist by their modern television heirs…

  • Joe C,

    The comics pages Cpt. Tootsie appeared on are likely public domain and similarly Tootsie Roll Industries has likely not renewed the trademark for the character. So I suspect rights aren’t an issue.

    Now, my joke above to the contrary, he’s going to probably not mention the Tootsie Roll-brand candy (or it’ll be not-Tootsie-Rolls like how parodies of 70s Hostess ads are not-Twinkies).

  • Steven E.R. says:

    FWIW, the Tootsie company never submitted Captain Tootsie for trademark – of course they do have the trademark for Tootsie Rolls and Tootsie Roll Pops, although it apparently wasn’t trademarked back then either. No idea about copyright on the Captain Tootsie ads, or even who the ad agency was. I would guess Larsen could easily go with the parody defense, if the Tootsie company finds out and is not pleased.

  • joecab says:

    If he’s actually addressing Captain Tootsie by his actual name, right on the cover, I don’t think he’s covered by parody. But I’m sure they did their due diligence. I can’t believe this is going to make me actually buy an issue of the Savage frickin’ Dragon.

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