Progressive Ruin presents…the End of Civilization.

§ October 31st, 2017 § Filed under End of Civilization § 14 Comments

It’s Halloween, the spoooookiest time of the year, and what better day than today to look through Diamond Previews and see what terrors will be heading our way in…well, January, more or less. THE SECOND SPOOOOOOKIEST MONTH. Anyhoo, pull out your November 2017 editions of the catalog and follow along, IF YOU DARE…just be aware that 1) yes, I know that’s a picture of a book for the audio CD listing, and 2) yes, that’s the ol’ ProgRuin watermark on an old scan I reused. Enjoy the nostalgia that elicits for the older, better days of this site whilst you cringe in horror:

p. 63 – Berserk Official Guidebook TP:


Finally, we’ll get the full story behind Evil Otto, why our hero is running through that maze, who’s responsible for all those robots, why the walls are even electrified…all that stuff.
 
 
p. 79 – Doomsday Clock #3:


Guys, I’m just going to assume that cover, with Batman reading Rorschach’s journal, implies a team-up between the Dark Knight and Watchmen‘s Red Knight, Seymour.
 
 
p. 141 – DC Gallery The Joker Cane Prop:


Joker carries a Jay Leno cane? Well, sure, I guess.
 
 
p. 156 – Stretch Armstrong and the Flex Fighters #1:


If this comic doesn’t contain a scene of kids contemplating the pros and cons of cutting open Stretch Armstrong to see what’s inside, then they just don’t want my toy-nostalgia money.
 
 
p. 162 – Star Trek Boldly Go #16 Funko Cover:


And he’s still the handsomest bastard in Starfleet. How does Kirk do it?
 
 
p. 191 – Ice Cream Man #1:


The Van Halen song comes alive as Diamond Dave takes up his new job as…wait, what? It’s not? I’m also using the “deliberately misunderstanding the premise of a comic” gag too often? Oh well, that’s life, that’s what all the people say.
 
 
p. 271 – The Tremendous Trump Remastered Edition:


Was going to make a “Now Even Oranger!” joke, but the actual solicitation beat me to the orange reference. Ah, well. By the way, I keep selling out of each Trump comic like this I order, in case you’re wondering.
 
 
p. 293 – Kong on the Planet of the Apes #2:


Crisis of Infinite Apes, where Mighty Joe Young and Detective Chimp team up to investigate the Lost City of Zinj from Congo, while Tracy from The Ghost Busters tries to talk Donkey Kong into giving up his pastime of tormenting plumbers/carpenters. …I mean, I presume this is where this is all leading.
 
 
p. 300 – Judas #2:


I had a gag about the exact cover price of this comic, but, um, maybe I’d better keep it to myself.
 
 
p. 326 – Battlestar Galactica Vs. Battlestar Galactica #1:


Crossing over the original ’70s Galactica with the 2000s reboot? There’s hope for my Land of the Lost Vs. Land of the Lost Vs. Land of the Lost Vs. Land of the Lost script yet!
 
 
p. 389 – Judge Dredd The Daily Dredds Vol. 1981 – 1986 HC:


Oh, I’ve read some of these! Man oh man, does Judge Dredd hate Mondays, but he sure loves lasagna.
 
 
p. 395 – The Epic of Gilgamesh GN:


And after reading this, don’t forget the exciting sequel!


 
 
p. 395 – Please Destroy the Internet GN:


Okay, but all I ask is that you maybe leave the bits where I make money. And keep this site up, too.
 
 
p. 409 – Babylon Berlin HC:


I’m having trouble seeing how this prequel series eventually connects up with Babylon 5.
 
 
p. 457 – Spider-Man Forever Young Audio CD:


Ol’ Webhead sings Rod Stewart’s greatest hits!
 
 
p. 457 – Aquaman Is Fair Picture Book:


Yeah, he’s fair, I guess…I mean, he’s okay, not great.
 
 
p. 457 – Batman Is Trustworthy Picture Book:


“Trust me, kid, you’ll be great as Robin! I’ve had a 3 outta 4 success rate! Or 2 outta 4, depends who you ask.”
 
 
p. 457 – The Flash Is Caring Picture Book:


“Let’s go, pal! Nah, you don’t a seatbelt on that chair…seatbelts are for chickens!”
 
 
p. 457 – Green Lantern Is Responsible Picture Book:


Oh, sure, ask the people of the planet Xanshi just how responsible he is.
 
 
p. 457 – Superman Is A Good Citizen Picture Book:


“Okay, this is the last of the trees! Now let’s put down all that concrete and metal and make everything look like Krypton!”
 
 
p. 458 – Wonder Woman Is Respectful Picture Book:


Yeah, okay, all these heroes are kind and great and all that, but I think they’re really missing a bet by not having a picture book just titled “DARKSEID IS.” Get that nihilism ingrained in those kids early!
 
 
p. 457 – Sweet Dreams, Supergirl HC:


Yes, the book is about a young lady dreaming about Supergirl, but just what is Supergirl herself dreaming ab–


OH HA HA NOTHING TO SEE HERE
 
 
p. 461 – Superman You Choose Stories Metropolis Mayhem SC:


Unless one of the endings involves the Bravado Beast, I’m going to have to say this is but a faint shadow of the greatness of this book.
 
 
p. 514 – Marvel The Punisher Logo Bookends:


At last, something to hold up my bound copies of Cat Fancy magazine.
 
 
p. 565 – Sherlock 221B Street Entrance 1/6-Scale Diorama:


What if this was the only “action figure” you had? All the other kids had Star Wars and G.I. Joe figures, and you had…a door. “I SLAM MY DOOR ON COBRA COMMANDER’S HAND!” “Hey, great job…way to go, door!” …Yeah, I think a kid could cope. ‘Course, at a list price of $250, that kid better not be slammin’ that door on nuthin’.
 
 
p. 608 – Monopoly Team Fortress 2 Edition:


Do not pass — um, the fortress? — do not…collect…oh hell, I don’t know. I’m pretty sure one of the sure signs of aging is “not immediately recognizing properties used in themed Monopoly sets.” Did they ever do a Berzerk-themed Monopoly set? I can do Berzerk jokes.

14 Responses to “Progressive Ruin presents…the End of Civilization.”

  • Simon says:

    Well, there IS a “p” in “Supergirl”…

    – “p. 162 – Star Trek Boldly Go #16 Funko Cover”

    Clearly, having his own doll went to his head.

    – “p. 271 – The Tremendous Trump Remastered Edition”

    Clearly, having his own comic went to his body.

    – “p. 293 – Kong on the Planet of the Apes #2”

    It’s Gulliver… on the Planet of the Apes!

    – “p. 326 – Battlestar Galactica Vs. Battlestar Galactica #1”

    It’s Kramer Vs. Kramer… in space!

    – “p. 457 – Aquaman Is Fair Picture Book”

    The fair-haired fairy is so fair, he even talks to turtles!

    – “p. 457 – Batman Is Trustworthy Picture Book”

    Your kid’s safe with trust-fund boy, unlike them Catholic priests!

    – “p. 457 – The Flash Is Caring Picture Book”

    “Let’s move that photo-op under the flag, four-eyes, Africa is bad PR!”

    – “p. 457 – Green Lantern Is Responsible Picture Book”

    “Responsible for what? Why is it always my fault?”

    – “p. 457 – Superman Is A Good Citizen Picture Book”

    “Dual citizenship lets me pay my taxes on Krypton!”

    – “p. 458 – Wonder Woman Is Respectful Picture Book”

    “Respectful to women. Men, I kick their ass!”

  • MrJM says:

    “Wonder Woman Is Respectful”

    — MrJM

  • De says:

    I would buy the hell out of Crisis of Infinite Apes.

  • Rob London says:

    Okay, so there’s the ‘70s TV show, the ‘90s TV show, and the Will Ferrell movie…what’s the fourth Land of the Lost?

  • Mikester says:

    Rob – There’s an old unrelated radio show with the same name. Thought I’d better mention it because someone would point it out if I didn’t!

  • Jon H says:

    Does that 221B Baker Street door open?

    If so, I see games of action figure Mystery Date in its future.

  • Robcat says:

    Maybe I’m just tired, but I laughed out loud at the Jay Leno joke. Just sayin’…

  • Daniel T says:

    I laughed out loud at the Xanshi joke.

  • What about the comic book version of the radio version of Land of the Lost? And the animated version?

    ALL LANDS ARE LOST!!!

  • MikeyWayne says:

    I laughed out loud at the Cat Fancy joke.

  • philip says:

    Somewhere on the YouTubes is a video of a StretchArmstrong doll being fed into an industrial shredder. It is remarkably satisfying.

    Also, am I the only one wondering how long Funko can keep it up? I wish them nothing but success because they make some fun stuff AND their HQ is up the road a bit from where I live (their flagship store in Everett, WA is crazy fun), but I worry that they are in the process of overextending themselves.

    Granted, I’ve worked at two “fun” companies that started small, expanded like crazy, and then collapsed so I could just be projecting.

  • Turan, Emissary of the Fly World says:

    Let us not forget: The radio series “Land of the Lost” starred Art Carney as Red Lantern.

    He was a fish, not a superhero, but I still think that DC should have worked him in somehow.

  • Former Employee Nathan says:

    Now I’m sitting here wondering what would be funnier: Dredd strips with dialogue replaced from Garfield strips, or Garfield strips with dialogue replaced from Dredd striops.

  • philfromgermany says:

    Excuse my late comment/question: Is Ed Piskor to Image+ as Fred Hembeck was to Marvel Age?

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