Progressive Ruin presents…the End of Civilization.

§ July 31st, 2017 § Filed under End of Civilization § 11 Comments

So live, that when thy summons comes to join
The innumerable caravan which moves
To that mysterious realm, where each shall take
His chamber in the silent halls of death,
Thou go not, like the quarry-slave at night,
Scourged to his dungeon, but, sustained and soothed
By an unfaltering trust, approach thy August 2017 edition of Diamond Previews
Like one who wraps the drapery of his couch
About him, and lies down to pleasant dreams:

p. 63 – Game of Thrones Tyrion Lannister Hand of the Queen Bust:


And here’s Tyrion in his new gig for Dos Dragóns as the Most Interesting Man in Westeros, Essos, and Sothoryos.
 
 
p. 68 – Batman Lost #1:


I don’t know how many issues I can take of Batman entering that sequence of numbers and pushing that button every 108 minutes.
 
 
p. 107 – Harley & Ivy Meet Betty & Veronica #1:


Any dopes make fun of them for drinking that milkshake, Harley’s got a big ol’ mallet with those chowderheads’ names on it.
 
 
p. 129 – The Joker An Adult Coloring Book TP:

CUT TO Jared Leto coloring outside the lines on every page of this book and laughing maniacally, as he preps for Suicide Squad 2.
 
 
p. 131 – Two-Face A Celebration of 75 Years HC:


By all rights this should be a flipbook.
 
 
p. 160 – The X-Files JFK Disclosure #1:


Oddly enough, Scully and Mulder discover it really was just Oswald who was responsible. Huh, go figure.
 
 
p. 236 – Commando Spawn Action Figure:

Finally, Commando Spawn, the perfect figure to go with Party Angela!
 
 
p. 275 – Jawas 2 T-shirt:


So anyway I was just thinking about that time Neil Young incorporated Jawas into his act and how Lucasfilm had a few words about his doing so. No reason, just came to mind.
 
 
p. 284 – Aspen Universe Decimation #1:


AND NOW…THE LAZIEST JOKE POSSIBLE:

Oh no, 1/10th of the Aspen Universe is going to be destroyed!

THE LAZIEST JOKE POSSIBLE IS NOW COMPLETED. YOU MAY RETURN TO YOUR HOMES.
 
 
p. 334 – Atari Classics Atari Force TP:


If someone had only told me back in the early 1980s when I bought those three Atari cartridges with the Atari Force comic book pack-ins, or in the late 1990s when I bought those two other games with the pack-in comics I was still missing, that all I had to do was wait ’til the Year of Our Lord Two Thousand and Seventeen to get ’em all under one cover, why, I could have used that extra cash to get myself the Model CX-22 Atari Trackball Controller. OH THE WASTED OPPORTUNITIES OF LIFE
 
 
p. 418 – The Villain #1:


Cactus Jack and Charming Jones sure look different. Wonder how Handsome Stranger made out?
 
 
p. 422 – Santa Vs. Dracula GN:


WHOEVER WINS, WE LOSE…well, okay, maybe I’d root slightly more for Santa in this instance.
 
 
p. 489 – Comic Shop The Retail Mavericks Who Gave Us A New Geek Culture:


Hey, I have a book about my life in comics retail, too! Here, let me show y–

[cover flies open, blood starts shooting out of its pages]

Er, hold on a moment….
 
 
p. 489 – The Flash Hocus Pocus Novel:


The Flash travels back in time just to witness this amazing performance in person:

 
 
p. 489 – Iron Man The Gauntlet Novel SC:


“TONY STARK SHOT THE FOOD”
 
 
p. 503 – E.T. The Extra Terrestrial The Classic Illustrated Storybook HC:


“E.T. iPHONE HOME”

“Wait, what?”

“E.T. FACETIME ELLIOT WHEN E.T. GETS BACK”

“Face..time? What are you even…?”

“FOLLOW E.T. ON INSTAGRAM, @ETNOLONGERONEARTH”

“Um, look…isn’t it about time for you to go?”
 
 
p. 506 – Star Wars Coding Projects:


“Hey, maybe someone could code some encryption software for, oh, I don’t know, the Death Star plans, Todd.”
 
 
p. 509 – The Walking Dead Official Cookbook:


And remember…if Daryl diets, we riot!
 
 
p. 516 – Justice League Official Collector’s Magazine:


“Cover not final” is no surprise, since apparently the movie isn’t quite yet final either.
 
 
p. 562 – Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 Groot Premium Motion Statue:

“The cassette tape itself is actually a real (and working) blank tape featuring the label as seen on screen!”

NO, DON’T DO IT! Home grooting is killing the music industry!
 
 
p. 603 – Preacher Titans Mini Figures:


You know, when I was anxiously awaiting each new issue of Preaacher as it came into the store, I never once imagined any of the characters eventually being transformed into one of these doodads. Well, except Quincannon, who’s pretty much unchanged.
 
 
p. 624 – Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them Lanyards:


“My keys and ID, where to find th–oh, here they are.”
 
 
p. 636 – Aggravation Retro Game:

Ain’t nuthin’ retro about aggravation…seems like we’re constantly getting fresh new aggravations all the time.
 
 
p. 639 – Clue The Walking Dead AMC Edition:


If one of the possible murder weapons isn’t a little metal and/or plastic representation of Lucille, what are they even doing.
 
 
p. 640 – Monopoly The Golden Girls Edition:

DO NOT PASS. That’s all, just “do not pass.”
 
 
p. 640 – The Thing Infection at Outpost 31 Board Game:

Every game ends in a tie, with two players glaring at each other over the gameboard. It’s very depressing.

11 Responses to “Progressive Ruin presents…the End of Civilization.”

  • Thelonious_Nick says:

    Remember, don’t shoot food.
    Valkyrie needs food badly.
    Someone shot the food.
    Thor needs food badly.
    Hawkeye is about to die.

  • Why don’t we just game here a little while? See what happens.

  • Lane says:

    DO NOT PASS. I laughed out loud at that one. Thank you.

  • ExistentialMan says:

    You sir, are a funny, funny, VERY funny man.

  • Brad says:

    Handsome Stranger took a time out to run California. And we should all look as good as Kirk at that age!

  • Andrew Davison says:

    Scratch encryption: https://wiki.scratch.mit.edu/wiki/Encryption, but it looks pretty feeble

    Actually there’s a good chance the book includes a Caesar cipher; it’s a fairly standard programming example for beginners. I guess it should be renamed to be the Palpatine cipher

  • Kristin says:

    Wait, so they’re going to republish the earlier non-Dart version of Atari Force? There’s lots of obscure 80s and 90s series I’d like published but this one never occurred to me, but I guess it’s on someone’s list.

  • pell says:

    The Aggravation game being sold in Diamond Previews has an “Only at Target” logo on the box.

  • philip says:

    Is Hasbro even putting games in their licensed Monopoly boxes? I feel like at this point they could just shrink-wrap empty boxes with different licensed characters on them and put them out for sale, and people would still buy them.

  • Simon says:

    I can be lazier:

    – “p. 284 – Aspen Universe Decimation #1”

    Does FATHOM become 180-CENTIMETERS?

  • Andrew says:

    @philip some of their offerings have those stupid window boxes that let you see the themed pieces, so they’re still going to exactly that much effort.

    Frankly, I’d like to see a regular Monopoly set released as a special edition.

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