Progressive Ruin presents…the End of Civilization.

§ June 5th, 2017 § Filed under End of Civilization § 12 Comments

Civilization ain’t over just quite yet, gang, but will this month’s Previews offerings (in the June 2017 edition) be enough to push it over the edge? Come along with me and let’s find out…together:

p. 62 – Star Trek The Next Generation Adult Coloring Book – Continuing Missions:


“What color is the ongoing obsession with weird alien sexuality?”

“Um…periwinkle?”
 
 
p. 72 – Dark Nights: Metal #1:


CUT TO: Pied Piper trying to force his way into this event. “The flute is a heavy metal instrument!” he argues loudly.
 
 
p. 106 – DC Superhero Girls Past Times at Super Hero High:


BRAD, NO
 
 
p. 115 – Teen Titans Go #23:


So long as Baby Superman there doesn’t end up in a microwave, we should be okay.
 
 
p. 117 – Superman and the Miserable, Rotten, No Fun, Really Bad Day HC:


Looking forward to future releases Green Lantern and Ham, Crisis of Infinite Berenstains, and To Think I Saw It on Danny the Street.
 
 
p. 121 – The Newsboy Legion and the Boy Commandos Special #1:


Chaykin’s doing this, so I expect the Newsboys will become Newsmen at some point, and we’ll finally find out the real reason they’re called “commandos.”
 
 
p. 132 – Superman Reborn HC:


Finally, the all-new, complete, canon history of Superman ’til the next one comes along in a couple of years!
 
 
p. 272 – Casper The Friendly Ghost #2:


Look, I’m all for new Casper comics, but I don’t know if I’m ready for modern stories with, like, Casper on Facebook or the Ghostly Trio texting each other or anything. I’m still trying to recover from that final Carl Barks story where one of Donald’s nephews refers to a fax machine.
 
 
p. 277 – Dark Cider T-shirt:


I can’t imagine the producers of these shirts aren’t hearing from Disney on a regular basis.
 
 
p. 326 – Grumpy Cat/Garfield #1:


I volunteer to write the Marvin/Dancing Baby comic.
 
 
p. 341 – The Green Hornet ’66 Meets the Spirit #2:


Issue number two of the characters arguing who had the best film adaptation in the 2000s!
 
 
p. 376 – That Time I Got Reincarnated As a Slime Volume 1 GN:


You do a story about a dude reincarnated as a typical monster in a Dungeons & Dragons-type game, and you don’t go with the best one?
 
 
p. 525 – Pumps Miniature High Heels Featuring DC Heroes & Villains (Blind Box Assortment):


Just dropping “THIS IS A FETISH FOR SOMEONE” as the punchline is awfully easy, but if ever a situation called for it…
 
 
p. 525 – The Joker Calling Card Statue:


With just a slight repaint job, this could be the Addams Family/Batman ’66 crossover that never was.
 
 
p. 528 – Mr. Potato Head Alien Xenomorph & p. 549 – Mr. Potato Head Predator:


NO MATTER WHO WINS, WE…well, also win, I guess. C’mon, it’s Mr. Potato Head, he’s awesome.
 
 
p. 554 – Spider-Man Homecoming Vulture Attack Set:


If I go see this Spider-Man: Homecoming movie and there isn’t a building that looks exactly like that anywhere in there, I’m walking out of the theater and demanding my money back.
 
 
p. 555 – Star Wars Collectors Gallery IG-88 Statue:


Did IG-88 ever move this much in the one scene he was in? I feel like he’d topple over if he moved his legs like that.
 
 
p. 577 – Toy Box Sofubi 014 Nessie the Loch Ness Monster Soft Vinyl Figure:


Even more real than the real thing!
 
 
p. 613 – Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 Short Range Walkie Talkies:


Relive that scene in the Guardians of the Galaxy film where Drax picks up Rocket and shouts directly into his face in an attempt to radio Star-Lord. Genuine pissed-off space trash panda action!
 
 
p. 617 – The Lord of the Rings Middle Earth 5 Coin Set:


Just like the slammers used in that fateful pog tournament between Gollum and Bilbo deep within the caves beneath the Misty Mountains.
 
 
p. 631 – Star Wars 40th Anniversary Edition Monopoly Game:


Do not pass Tosche Station, do not collect your power converters.
 
 
Marvel Previews p. 91 – Star Wars Mace Windu #1:


Getting ever, ever closer to the inevitable Jar Jar Binks mini-series. It’ll happen someday. And when it does, I’ll buy it, and so will you. Search your feelings…you know it to be true.
 
 
p. 114 – Color Your Own Star Wars Darth Vader :


Once again:

“…Bring out the Sith Lord’s rarely seen lighter side with pastels!”

…the actual solicitation text beats me to the joke. Well played, anonymous solicitation text writer…well played indeed.
 
 
Marvel Previews p. 125 – Marvel’s Thor Ragnarok Prelude TPB:


So going by the logic presented here (and in previous Marvel movie comics of late), in that the “Ragnarok Prelude” is in fact a comic book adaptation of the previous Thor film The Dark World, then the currently running Rogue One adaptation should be called A New Hope Prelude.

…Hey, maybe the comic book adaptation of the Howard the Duck movie could be repackaged as the Guardians of the Galaxy Prelude! You can have that one for free, Marvel!

12 Responses to “Progressive Ruin presents…the End of Civilization.”

  • Isn’t it kind of insulting that the elves of Middle-earth have coins in the shape of leaves?

  • adam says:

    hey come on mike that book had sienkewicz art

  • Speaking of middle-earth coinage, I just can’t wrap my head around ORCS having little change-purses.

    I’m pretty sure their currency is violence.
    Maybe they trade severed body-parts for goods and services, but definitely NOT coins-of-the-realm.

  • “Finally, the all-new, complete, canon history of Superman ’til the next one comes along in a couple of years!

    In a couple YEARS????
    C’mon Mike, you’re being kind.
    More like a couple days.

  • David Oakes says:

    ‘totes periwinkle.

    (And a fetish for someMANY, amirite?)

  • Jim Kosmicki says:

    Kudos on the Chaykin joke. But that Casper cover is wrong. Any true Harvey fan would tell you that that’s a Spooky cover gag, not Casper.

  • Hulk it up, y'all says:

    They really missed the perfect chance to make it “Alexander Luthor and the terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad day.”

    C’mon, it could’ve ended with Lex losing his hair!

  • Mr Lawless says:

    Can’t be THAT unauthorized, MAD’s owned by WB…

  • Rich Handley says:

    Mace Windu: The astounding proof that it IS, in fact, possible to make Samuel Jackson boring for three films. They said it couldn’t be done–but Lucas proved ’em all wrong!

  • Simon says:

    – “p. 117 – Superman and the Miserable, Rotten, No Fun, Really Bad Day”

    Parody or pastiche???

    – “p. 277 – Dark Cider T-shirt”

    I find your lack of proof… disturbing.

    – “p. 525 – Pumps Miniature High Heels”

    Shoes for tallest midgets?

    – “p. 555 – Star Wars Collectors Gallery IG-88 Statue”

    Which TERMINATOR movie was he in?

    – “p. 617 – The Lord of the Rings Middle Earth 5 Coin Set”

    Ruin from runes?

    – “p. 631 – Star Wars 40th Anniversary Edition Monopoly Game”

    These aren’t the hotels you’re looking for.

  • Brian says:

    I’m just surprised at Beast Boy being on the D.C. Superhero Girls cover – what shapechanging secret is Garth hiding from us?

  • Thwacko says:

    I recently asked my 8 year old daughter if she would be interested in reading an issue of DC SuperHero Girls. She rudely replied, “Uh, NO!”, like I was an idiot for asking.

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