Okay, you hockey pucks, try to keep up…if it helps, mouth the words as you read along in your copy of the April 2017 Diamond Previews, assuming you cheapskates actually bought it for yourselves:
p. 113 – Batman/Elmer Fudd Special #1:
There are a whole slew of Looney Tunes characters teaming up with DC superheroes, but the one I want to see most is Gabby Goat teaming up with, well…anybody:
Can’t you just see him hangin’ out with, I don’t know, Green Arrow? They could exchange beard-grooming tips.
p. 130 – DC Universe Rebirth Omnibus Expanded Edition HC:
Reissued in order to include comics that debuted after the first edition of this volume…I hope Rebirth goes on for years just to see how fat this book gets. “DC Universe Rebirth Omnibus Expanded 14th Edition – Now Includes Steel Hand Truck.”
p. 134 – DC Super Hero Girls A Kids Coloring Book:
Wait…what if the companies decide they can save money by releasing all their comics in black and white and calling them all “coloring books?” …Actually, might get a more significant portion of the general public interested in comics, come to think of it.
p. 141 – Watchmen The Annotated Edition HC:
“And on this page, we see Dr. Manhattan’s wiener again! Tee hee!”
p. 168 – Clue #1:
Will this comic be called Cluedo when released outside the U.S.? Asking for a guy who’s semi-obsessed with the fact everyone else calls it “Cluedo” – a guy who definitely isn’t me, by the way.
p. 202 – Shirtless Bear Fighter #1:
Rack with “Guy in Bat Costume Who Punches Weird Criminals” and “Man with Spider-Powers Who Has Problems.” Will still likely be asked by someone “what’s this about?”
p. 312 – Jungle Fantasy Annual 2017 Beautifed:
From the solicitation:
“‘Beautified’ is our name for variant interior artwork, with less clothes! So the story just got more nude.”
I can’t even make fun. They know what they want, and what their audience wants, and it sells. I admire its purity. …Also, I think this was sort of the same thing Barry Blair did with the old Leather and Lace comic.
p. 332 – Mighty Mouse #1:
Yes, that’s a realistically-painted Mighty Mouse cover by Alex Ross you see there. That started me to thinking about a realistic live-action Mighty Mouse…like, an actual mouse, with a little cape, that just darts from nook to cranny, poops and pees on everything, and chews and shreds whatever it can, and makes everything around it just plain smell funny. …Look, I can’t stop the future, I can only prepare you for it.
p. 358 – Walt Disney’s Uncle Scrooge and Donald Duck The Don Rosa Library Vol. 7 The Treasure of the Ten Avatars:
In which Donald and Scrooge uncover James Cameron’s upcoming film plans.
p. 478 – Best of Fresh Natural Girls HC:
I can’t wait to find out about all the comics these girls like! I mean, why else would this be in the catalog?
p. 480 – 100 Things Spider-Man Fans Should Know & Do Before They Die SC:
I propose a follow-up, One Thing Spider-Man Fans Should Do As They Die, which would of course be “Let Spider-Man catch you after being thrown off a bridge.”
p. 484 – Spider-Man Doodles SC:
I can’t believe they brought the 1990s Marvel Tryout Book back into print.
p. 484 – Marvel’s Spider-Man Mad Libs:
Please please please let there be “with great [noun] comes great [noun].”
p. 504 – Previews Cover Marvel Secret Empire Black T-Shirt SC:
Whoa, hold on, when did this start happening? And if they’re actually doing t-shirts with Previews covers, then I know which one I want:
p. 505 – Previews Logo T-Shirts:
Ah, the all-purpose Previews t-shirt, the official clothing in which to read my “End of Civilization” posts, and conveniently available for preorder at Sterling Silver Comics!
p. 540 – Twin Peaks Log Lady/Log Pin Mate Set:
This looks all the world like the Log Lady had a log costume she would occasionally put on to fight, like, owl-crime. And, to be honest, we haven’t seen the upcoming Twin Peaks revival so, you know, maybe she does.
p. 551 – Twin Peaks Action Figures – Laura in Plastic:
Brother, look at all that action. …Unless they’re talking about Laura’s body being the catalyst for action from the other characters in the show, in which case I salute their extension of the descriptor “action” in this context.
p. 560 – Marvel Deadpool Wood Nesting Doll Set:
And inside that fifth doll…an itty-bitty Deathstroke.
p. 583 – Star Wars The Force Awakens BB-8 Silicone Tray:
I see they were finally able to repurpose the poorly-selling “Deformed Conjoined Tangerines Silicone Tray.”
p. 624 – Power Rangers Movie Adult Helmet:
pfffft PLEASE, as if any adults like the Power Rangers!
p. 627 – The Walking Dead Lucille 36-inch Foam Replica Bat:
Handy for helping you pretend to cave in the skulls of your friends as they kneel quaking in fear before you, and much easier to clean than an actual bat wrapped in real barbed wire!
p. 627 – The Walking Dead Large Walker Bite Costume Effects Appliance:
Cover up those embarrassing hickeys with something only slightly less embarrassing!
p. 634 – The Walking Dead AMC Monopoly:
“Pass GO, Pass Jail, Just Keep Going Around in Circles Indefinitely.”
p. 636 – Sonic the Hedgehog 25th Anniversary Art Book HC:
“And I’m also including a chapter featuring all the fan-art from Tumblr!”
“GREAT SCOTT, MAN…are you trying to get us arrested?”
Marvel Previews p. 76 – X-Men Blue #5:
This is such a terrible blurring job that I can only assume they want you to think this is who it looks like but it actually isn’t, unless it is who you think it is and they’re just trying to make you think that it isn’t because why would they make it so obvious? Hm, this must be that “four dimensional chess” I’ve been hearing so much about lately.
Marvel Previews p. 103 – Muppet Babies Omnibus HC:
At last, the classic all-ages comic is back in print, in the $75 hardcover format that children love!