Progressive Ruin presents…the End of Civilization.

§ February 6th, 2017 § Filed under End of Civilization § 10 Comments

Punxsutawney Phil has poked his nose into the newest Diamond Previews, and has determined that the End of Civilization is fully on its way! Poke your own nose into the pages of the February 2017 edition of that very mag, and follow along:

p. 49 – The Art of Splatoon HC:


Oh, sure, this gets published, but a collection of my life’s work, my extensive photograph collection “The Art of Spittoons,” is called “too appalling for publication.” I see how it is.
 
 
p. 57 – The Life and Times of Martha Washington in the Twenty-First Century [Second Edition] TP:


Now repackaged with the blurb “Enjoy the bright, optimistic alternate history of the 21st century!”
 
 
p. 82 – Batman #21:


Okay, you’re just going to have to deal with the fact that Watchmen was never going to reach its full potential until Batman got involved somehow. That’s just truth, friend, and you’re going to have to live with it.
 
 
p. 91 – Aquaman #20:


Eventually they’re going to be scraping the bottom of the barrel for nautically-inspired villain names: “Aquaman in his final yawn-inducing battle with the Doldrums!”
 
 
p. 139 – Batman Zero Hour TP:


At last, all the stories you need under one cover, finally setting straight once and for all the post-Crisis on Infinite Earths, pre-Flashpoint, pre-Infinite Crisis, pre-New 52, post-Legends, pre-Rebirth continuity of Batman!
 
 
p. 158 – Star Trek New Visions The Traveler:

Looking at the silhouette on the cover, maybe it’s a prequel featuring this guy before the male pattern space-baldness settled in?


 
 
p. 283 – Vader Raiders T-Shirt:


“So we can do a shirt for the ‘Charlotte Green Hornets.'”

“Um….”

“‘The Tennessee Teen Titans!'”

“Yeah, uh….”

“‘The Toronto Blue Jedis!'”

“I don’t….”

“‘The Pittsburgh Pirates of the Caribbean!'”

“Is there no one else in the office you can talk to?”
 
 
p. 416 – Doctor Who Ghost Stories #1:


No offense to the actual creative team, but if anyone was going to do a tie-in specifically to the 2016 Christmas Special, surely it should have been John Byrne.
 
 
p. 428 – Alien The Coloring Book:


“So what color is ichor, anyway?”

“Use your ‘vomitous viridescence’ crayon.”

“I already used that one up in my Lovecraft coloring book.”
 
 
p. 429 – The Art and Making of Alien Covenant:


Just page after page of storyboards of people sticking their faces stupidly close to obviously dangerous creatures.
 
 
p. 471 – Official DC Super Hero Joke Book: Why Did Batman Cross the Road? SC:


“Um…’for justice?'”

“No.”

“‘To catch the Joker?'”

“No. I mean, that’s not even really funny.”

“‘Because his parents are dead?'”

“Look, that’s just mean.”
 
 
p. 473 – The Neil Gaiman Coloring Book SC:


Carton upon carton of black and grey crayons not included.
 
 
p. 474 – Harry Potter Talking Sorting Hat and Sticker Book:


“Hmmm, let me see here…yes, yes, it’s Barbie’s Dream House for you!”

Barbie: “YAAAAY I knew it!”
 
 
p. 475 – The Wild Adventures of King Kong Vs. Tarzan SC:


Tarzan: “This vine seems awfully…girthy.”

Jane: “THAT’S NOT A VINE”
 
 
p. 475 – Star Trek Cats HC:

Surely she’ll be in there:


…And maybe even her:


…and of course this catperson, and Data’s cat Spot, and…well, the list goes on.
 
 
p. 476 – Star Wars Widevision The Original Topps Trading Card Series Volume 1 HC:


Look, about three different jokes about Porkins and, y’know “Widevision” came immediately to mind, and I know that’s low-hanging and certainly non-PC material to grab at, so I’ll try to be the bigger man about this.
 
 
p. 490 – Jason Todd R.I.P. T-Shirt:


“No, seriously, it’s a comic book character! He was killed off in the comics, kinda! It’s referring to that!”

“Yeah, yeah, tell it to the judge. Get in the car.”
 
 
p. 522 – Arkham City Harley Quinn 1/1-Scale Foam Replica:


“Harold, just what is that weird squeaking sound coming out of Junior’s room?”

“Mildred…you don’t want to know.”

10 Responses to “Progressive Ruin presents…the End of Civilization.”

  • Judging by this assortment…this might REALLY be it:
    Civilization’s End.

    Welp. We had a good run.

  • Simon says:

    Jane knows the score!

    – “p. 82 – Batman #21”

    Space cookie or acid drop?

    – “p. 91 – Aquaman #20”

    Aquaman? WHO IS AQUAMAN??

    – “p. 158 – Star Trek New Visions The Traveler”

    Pajama party?

    – “p. 283 – Vader Raiders T-Shirt”

    Vader retro, Satanas!

    – “p. 416 – Doctor Who”

    Doctor Gräfenberg, from the “G” spot on his chest…

    – “p. 473 – The Neil Gaiman Coloring Book”

    Shouldn’t that one be, “Colouring”?

    – “p. 474 – Harry Potter Talking Sorting Hat”

    Harry Potty’s Turdis Magicalis?

    – “p. 475 – Star Trek Cats”

    The cat’s pajamas!

    – “p. 476 – Star Wars Widevision”

    Orange-tinted vision to not see certain orange person?

  • The obvious says:

    Q: Why did Batman cross the road?

    A: Because…he’s Batman.

  • Brian says:

    That’s three days in a row that I’ve ran into random Punxsutawney Phil references!

    1. On Saturday, I grew faux-angered at brunch when I saw a list full of IPAs on the beer list and joked with the waitress that, “the groundhog lied, he promised us six more weeks of winter!”

    2. Yesterday, on Sunday, Phil was the ceremonial coin flip on Animal Planet’s Puppy Bowl (if you didn’t watch it, shame on you! #TeamFluff). Oddly enough, his handlers commented that the groundhog has never lied about his predictions (please see my note about the day before).

    3. I observed the Mikester Signal in the sky today, Monday, and opened up my browser to see the lede of this column. Then I ate my hat.

    I presume that, if I power up my Cosmic Treadmill (I haven’t had my Cosmic Workout for the day yet, but probably should after eating that hat) and travel back to Friday, I’ll discover that I missed a Punxsutawney Phil reference on Friday that I had missed…

  • Brian says:

    Of course, the real question about the Vader shirt is, “Oakland Vaders or Las Vegas Vaders?”

  • MrJM says:

    “Why did Batman cross the road?”

    [DC continuity rebooted before the resolution of joke’s storyline]

    — MrJM

  • Knock, knock.
    Who’s there?
    Hawkman.
    Hawkman who?
    Precisely.

  • Turan, Emissary of the Fly World says:

    I have not been following Aquaman. Has he yet fought an evil Greek/German shipping magnate named Horst Latitudes?

  • Turan, Emissary of the Fly World says:

    I am disappointed that, in reference to “Star Trek Cats,” you did not mention Captain Herc of the starship Second-Prize. I thought you were just the right age for “The Secret Lives of Waldo Kitty” (home also of Catman and Sparrow, Catzan of the Apes, and the Lone Kitty).

  • Robcat017 says:

    Laughed out loud at the Tarzan joke. Thanks! And just wanted to say…. the Seattle Seahawkeyes!

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