Punxsutawney Phil has poked his nose into the newest Diamond Previews, and has determined that the End of Civilization is fully on its way! Poke your own nose into the pages of the February 2017 edition of that very mag, and follow along:
p. 49 – The Art of Splatoon HC:
Oh, sure, this gets published, but a collection of my life’s work, my extensive photograph collection “The Art of Spittoons,” is called “too appalling for publication.” I see how it is.
p. 57 – The Life and Times of Martha Washington in the Twenty-First Century [Second Edition] TP:
Now repackaged with the blurb “Enjoy the bright, optimistic alternate history of the 21st century!”
p. 82 – Batman #21:
Okay, you’re just going to have to deal with the fact that Watchmen was never going to reach its full potential until Batman got involved somehow. That’s just truth, friend, and you’re going to have to live with it.
p. 91 – Aquaman #20:
Eventually they’re going to be scraping the bottom of the barrel for nautically-inspired villain names: “Aquaman in his final yawn-inducing battle with the Doldrums!”
p. 139 – Batman Zero Hour TP:
At last, all the stories you need under one cover, finally setting straight once and for all the post-Crisis on Infinite Earths, pre-Flashpoint, pre-Infinite Crisis, pre-New 52, post-Legends, pre-Rebirth continuity of Batman!
p. 158 – Star Trek New Visions The Traveler:
Looking at the silhouette on the cover, maybe it’s a prequel featuring this guy before the male pattern space-baldness settled in?
p. 283 – Vader Raiders T-Shirt:
“So we can do a shirt for the ‘Charlotte Green Hornets.'”
“‘The Tennessee Teen Titans!'”
“‘The Toronto Blue Jedis!'”
“‘The Pittsburgh Pirates of the Caribbean!'”
“Is there no one else in the office you can talk to?”
p. 416 – Doctor Who Ghost Stories #1:
No offense to the actual creative team, but if anyone was going to do a tie-in specifically to the 2016 Christmas Special, surely it should have been John Byrne.
p. 428 – Alien The Coloring Book:
“So what color is ichor, anyway?”
“Use your ‘vomitous viridescence’ crayon.”
“I already used that one up in my Lovecraft coloring book.”
p. 429 – The Art and Making of Alien Covenant:
Just page after page of storyboards of people sticking their faces stupidly close to obviously dangerous creatures.
p. 471 – Official DC Super Hero Joke Book: Why Did Batman Cross the Road? SC:
“‘To catch the Joker?'”
“No. I mean, that’s not even really funny.”
“‘Because his parents are dead?'”
“Look, that’s just mean.”
p. 473 – The Neil Gaiman Coloring Book SC:
Carton upon carton of black and grey crayons not included.
p. 474 – Harry Potter Talking Sorting Hat and Sticker Book:
“Hmmm, let me see here…yes, yes, it’s Barbie’s Dream House for you!”
Barbie: “YAAAAY I knew it!”
p. 475 – The Wild Adventures of King Kong Vs. Tarzan SC:
Tarzan: “This vine seems awfully…girthy.”
Jane: “THAT’S NOT A VINE”
p. 475 – Star Trek Cats HC:
Surely she’ll be in there:
…And maybe even her:
…and of course this catperson, and Data’s cat Spot, and…well, the list goes on.
p. 476 – Star Wars Widevision The Original Topps Trading Card Series Volume 1 HC:
Look, about three different jokes about Porkins and, y’know “Widevision” came immediately to mind, and I know that’s low-hanging and certainly non-PC material to grab at, so I’ll try to be the bigger man about this.
p. 490 – Jason Todd R.I.P. T-Shirt:
“No, seriously, it’s a comic book character! He was killed off in the comics, kinda! It’s referring to that!”
“Yeah, yeah, tell it to the judge. Get in the car.”
p. 522 – Arkham City Harley Quinn 1/1-Scale Foam Replica:
“Harold, just what is that weird squeaking sound coming out of Junior’s room?”
“Mildred…you don’t want to know.”