Oh, sure, all those folks are down there in San Diego at the convention, experiencing their very own personal Ends of Civilization, but that won’t stop me from giving you all your regular frog-march through the latest installment of Previews! Grab your August 2014 edition of that esteemed publication and follow along with me:
p. 113 – Harley Quinn Annual #1:
Sure, a special “Scratch and Sniff” issue sounds like fun now, but should Scott Shaw! ever bring back his comic character The Turd, well….
p. 131 – Superman Unchained Deluxe Edition HC:
Hey, I wonder if DC will let us trade in all those #1s we ordered back when we thought this was an ongoing series as credit against orders on this book. That’d be pretty swell.
p. 146 – DC Comics Cover Girls Starfire Statue:
“Hi, Superman! I see you got your shorts back!”
p. 146 – Superman The Man of Steel Superman by Gary Frank Statue:
“Yes, and, oddly enough, I feel so free! Also, how come my statue isn’t called ‘DC Comics Cover Boys?’ I’ve been on covers!”
p. 163 – Edward Scissorhands #1:
Answering all those questions the original film didn’t address, like…c’mon, putting a vast array of unwieldy sharp blades at the ends of his arms? Vincent Price couldn’t put, like, rubber caps on the stumps ’til the hands were ready? Or maybe not activating Edward ’til he was finished? You know, stuff like that?
p. 252 – Rachel Rising #29:
Wow, Lady Death sure looks like she’s mellowed out a bit.
p. 260-1 – Antarctic Press Steampunk Month:
That’s like Aspen Comics advertising “New First Issue Month.”
p. 261 – JAWaS T-Shirt:
Oh, please, another mash-up? Do we really need yet another…um, another…well, okay, I kind of like this one. LOOK, I’M ONLY HUMAN
p. 375 – The Gigantic Beard That Was Evil:
Now what am I going to call my tell-all Alan Moore biography?
p. 434 – Modern Sci-Fi Films FAQ:
“So, do humans really only use 10% of their brains?”
“Was Prometheus any good?”
“Is R2-D2 the best character in the entire Star Wars saga?”
p. 437 – Push Start The Art of Video Games:
Hopefully it’ll include this rare Andy Warhol piece featuring the Hero from the Atari 2600’s Adventure:
p. 440 – DC Chess Collection #70 Constantine (White Pawn):
I wonder how John Constantine would feel about being a pawn. Too bad there’s no “Arrogant Bastard” piece…well, maybe the Knight.
p. 442 – Jack Kirby Collector #64:
In this issue: FORESHORTENING
p. 473 – Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back Cock-Knocker Retro Action Figure:
The barrier’s been breached, boys…you can totally use “cock” as a slang term for “penis” in the pages of Previews. What brave new world we have entered, my friends…what brave new world.
p. 522 – Doctor Who Tardis Spatula, Tardis Tray, “Bigger on the Inside” Welcome Mat:
Once Google Glass (or its competitors/successors) gets to be a little more prevalent, someone will develop an app that will digitally “skin” whatever you look at with whatever imagery you’d like.
These Doctor Who products will give you a little preview of that future.
p. 528 – Sherlock 1/6-Scale Figures:
Well, yeah, $230 bucks each seems a bit steep, but it’s so long between batches of episodes that you’ll be glad to have these figures around to act out your own episodes, fighting crime, solving mysteries, studying clues, kissing each other, racing after suspects, getting into disagreements but working it all out in the end, worrying about…what’s that? Yes, I said “getting into disagreements,” what about it?
p. 552 – Star Wars Millennium Falcon Chopping Board:
“Chewie, I hear a knocking sound from the top of the Falcon! Go check it out!”
“Get up there you big, furry oaf! I don’t care if it does smell like onions!”
Marvel Previews p. 12 et al. – Death of Wolverine The Logan Legacy #1, #2….:
Guys, they wouldn’t be putting out all these Death of Wolverine tie-in comics unless, as it says in the solicitations, he really was “now gone forever” and “permanently out of the picture.” There will never, ever be a “Return of Wolverine” event with a boatload of tie-ins, mark my words.