Progressive Ruin presents…the End of Civilization.
A new year is upon is, and so is a new Diamond Previews catalog, both full of dreams, hopes, and wonders. Well, the new year is, anyway…the Previews is filled with the same ol’ stuff you’ve come to expect. Grab your copy of the January 2014 edition and follow along…and I’m just going to go ahead and apologize both to Wonder Woman fans and my Irish ancestry right here.
p. 140 – Black Canary and Zatanna: Bloodspell:
DC, seriously, you can have the name Fishnets Ahoy! Royalty-free! I don’t care! C’MON.
p. 152 – Scooby-Doo Team-Up #3:
“…Can even Batman, Robin, and Mystery Inc. outwit two unpredictable imps to deal with the spooky, magical hijinks of…Scooby-Mite?”
Gang, I think we’re finally getting the origin of Scrappy-Doo we’ve all been waiting for.
p. 168 – Batman Arkham City Rabbit Hole Batman Action Figure:
Well, sure, we can always use new Batman fig…
…AAAAAH
p. 168 – 1:1 Scale White Power Battery & Ring Prop Replica:
Well, at least someone somewhere has learned something about “placement of line breaks” in the several years since this solicit ran:
p. 182 – The X-Files Conspiracy: The Crow:
I think IDW and their licensees are leaving money on the table not crossing over more of this publisher’s titles:
“Scully, I’m telling you, these ponies talked.”
“Mulder….”
“No, really, Scully…they were all pastel-colored, and had these weird tattoos on their flanks.”
“Oh, come on, Mulder, you expect me to believe….”
“And sometimes they would appear as young girls, their skin tones still those same bright colors….”
“Mulder, that’s it. No more Internet for you.”
p. 323 – The Six Million Dollar Man Season Six #1:
“Mr. Austin, you’ve had another serious accident, and we had to repair you again.”
“Woo boy. How much did it cost this time?”
“Well, due to budget cutbacks, we were stuck with your original six million dollar budget.”
“Which means…?”
“Enjoy that bionic knee, because that’s all you’re getting.”
p. 398 – Grimm Fairy Tales Presents Neverland Age of Darkness #1:
So once a month your pal Mike has to go through Previews…I mean, aside from doing this post, I actually have to go through it seriously and like, spend the store’s money and order stuff for our shelves. And when I go through the Zenescope section, I take a little extra time, carefully consider all the variants available for each title, and then place my order numbers based on the relative sexiness of each variant.
In case you were wondering what my life was like.
p. 405 – The Ages of Wonder Woman SC and Hot & Pervy Paris Girls: Best of Petites Parisiennes HC:
So, what’s the Venn diagram showing buyers of each book look like?
p. 406 – The World According to Wolverine HC:
Pretty much just a retelling of The World According to Garp, but with more Sentinel attacks and appearances from Sabretooth.
p. 409 – Stephen King Films FAQ SC:
“Q: Should I watch Children of the Corn?
A: No, probably not.
Q: How about Lawnmower Man?
A: No way.
Q: Dreamcatcher, then. That one’s gotta be good. Tim Olyphant’s in it.
A: Yeah, you’d think so.
Q: Well…Maximum Overdrive? How’s that one?
A: That one’s a lot of fun, actually. Put it on the Netflix queue.”
p. 411- Fun with Kirk and Spock:
Not your long-awaited compilation of slash fiction. Sorry, friends.
p. 412 – William Shakespeare’s The Empire Striketh Back:
If this eventually leads to R2-D2 and C-3PO Are Dead, it will all be worth it.
p. 453 – Tonner DC The New 52 Wonder Woman 16-Inch Doll:
I don’t know what anyone’s complaining about, Gal Gadot looks great as Wonder Woman.
p. 455 – Mr. Potato Head Marvel’s Captain America:
Well, sure, that’s all well and good, but the Potato Head version of this character is just in poor taste.
p. 456 – E.T. 12-Inch Foam Figure:
“…Featuring detailed skin texture, life-like eyes, and soft to the touch.”
…And NOT A SEX TOY, you weirdos.
p. 456 – The Twilight Zone Talky Tina “Color Replica” Doll:
Okay, this doll does come with a talking mechanism, so surely it’s going to say “my name is Talky Tina and I’m going to kill you,” so if you’re looking to terrify the child in your life, here you go. But I prefer the Gremin’s Face 3D window-cling that you can affix to the outside of one of your car windows, which you can then hide with one of those windowshades that you can encourage your child to raise. “Go ahead, Little Billy, it’s not that sunny any more…go ahead and lift up that shade! It’s okay!” Oh, the hours of therapy that are sure to follow!
p. 460 – a whole page of Nerf Zombie Strike toys:
Oh, Nerf, no.
p. 488 – Star Wars 24″ R2-D2 Talking Plush:
A “talking” R2, huh? Well, let’s see….
“I’ve got claws, I can use ’em!”
Wait, what?
“Math is hard!”
C’mon, you’re a droid! That can’t….
“My name is R2-D2 and I’m going to kill you!”
MOMMMMMMM!
p. 500 – DC Classics 20-Inch Leg Lamps:
At last, science has found a way to class-up the leg lamp. Let us all breathe a sigh of relief. I can’t decide which Ultra the Multi-Alien leg lamp to buy, though.
As bad as makes me feel to admit, that Gal Gadot joke was a “have to take a minute to compose myself and figure out how breathe again after finishing laughing” level of wit. Bravo.
“Empire Striketh Back”?
Surely once you’ve scaled the actions scenes back to what they could put on at the Globe, you’ve got one play max with the original trilogy.
I guess it’d be a history play, despite lack of kings. “Skywalker”?
“The famous Hiſtory of Sir Luke SKYWALKER, concerning the War amongſt the Stars and the victory wrought by the Return of the Jedi.”
You are a better man than I. First thing I thought when I read the Bloodspell title on that Zatanna and Black Canary comic book was: is that about a series about PMS’ing?
Noo, you’d use a Gremlin window cling on a plane. If you’re not in the window seat, and you get to the row first, slap the cling on and close the shade. Wait for the person in the window seat to get a surprise, and feign ignorance of where it came from.
Superman and Batman leg lamps? Oh dear god. From the movie “A Christmas Virgin,” I guess.
I will decide what is a sex toy and what is not a sex toy, thank you very much.
” Batman Arkham City Rabbit Hole Batman Action Figure”
THE TICK!!!
““My name is R2-D2 and I’m going to kill you!””
LOL! that TINA episode was just run again, actually.
Where’s my Black Canary and Zatanna Leg Lamps? It’s a major award!
“R2-D2 and C-3PO Are Dead” is BRILLANT. Thank you for that.
Fishnets-Akimbo
“Bloodspell”…? Surely there must be at least 24 comics that have used that as either the title of the book or of a particular story before…
And that Batman action figure once again makes me wish there was just, like, a straight comic book adaptation of the Arkham games instead of all those prequels and sequels and bridging story arcs. I just want to know what goes on in a story featuring…THAT.
““Bloodspell”…? Surely there must be at least 24 comics that have used that as either the title of the book or of a particular story before”
I know there was BLOODSTRIKE and BLOODPACK. And BLOODGOOD, but that was a band.
Swamp Thing alert in today’s “Scary Gary.”
(If you have not noticed, he is a recurring character in this comic strip.)
“New 42 Wonder Woman”? I think I might be more excited than I ought to be by the implications of the New 42.
Bigmountain – fixed. That’s what I get when I don’t triple-check for typos.
I’ve always wondered who actually buys those Xenoscope titles.
“If this eventually leads to R2-D2 and C-3PO Are Dead, it will all be worth it.”
Genius. And I agree. But it would *have* to happen in order to justify it.
The Buyer Venn Diagram for “Ages of Wonder Woman”, “Hot Pervy Paris Girls” and “World According to Wolverine” would be concentric circles. At the center is “How to Archer”